Some things never change

I have been a widow for 6 years.  I can't believe it has been that long.  I used to think that I would wake up one morning and realize it had all been a bad dream.  But the nightmare continues.

So many things have changed over the past 6 years. Personal things like a new grandson in the family and my mother's passing.  World events of course.  Favorite restaurants closing.  New aches and pains. All the stuff that happens over time.

Some things, however, will never change. The rage inside me that asks why Lane and never knowing the answer.  The feeling that I am being punished for something I did or didn't do.  The emptiness that only other widows understand.

I have learned along the way that life without your best friend is pretty boring.  That is not going to change either.  I know I will never enjoy doing "Lane's jobs"  around the house. It still breaks my heart that I will never see his smile or hear his voice.

After 6 years you learn to accept these "nevers" as a part of your new life.  Do I like it?  No, I hate it but it is what it is.

What will never change for you?

Sue

Self medicating

After Lane died I definitely used food and wine to self medicate. The first month or so after his death I could hardly eat or drink anything.   But after a couple of months when reality hit me I began to find comfort in food and to some extent wine. I gained 15 pounds in the first year. 

From a health perspective I was not doing myself any good. From a self esteem perspective it was a disaster.  And yet, I found food and wine helped me cope and feel better.  Eating took up some of the empty time.  Drinking lifted my spirits. 

Some people use cigarettes, sleep and of course pills to try and cope with the anxiety, stress and depression of being alone.  It is a hard road and it is understandable that at times self medication helps.

Eventually, I lost weight, got back to the gym and cut down on the wine consumption.   Have I stopped self medicating?  Not completely.  There are days when I turn to food or wine to comfort me.  I am not saying that self medicating is right or wrong. I don’t think it is that simple.  Of course it depends on how far you go with it and if you are affecting other people.

Am I the only one who self medicates?

Sue

Bottled spaghetti sauce

One of Lane's favorite meals was spaghetti.  I would doctor up a little bottled sauce and he would love it.  Trust me, the sauce wasn't very good but he never failed to say "good dinner, sweetie" so this meal became our go to Friday night supper.

Even though special occasions emphasize that I am alone, it is the everyday things, like spaghetti on Friday, that make me feel lonely.  Of course I dread weddings and holidays are more stressful than fun now.  But I've learned to handle those occasions.  However, I still struggle emotionally with the everyday details of life, such as having dinner alone, entertaining family or maintaining the house.  Doing the everyday stuff makes me lonely.

Ya know, I never really liked that spaghetti.  And I will never like having dinner without Lane or traveling without Lane or watching a football game without Lane.  But I got used to that spaghetti sauce.  Of course that took over 20 years.  So maybe in another 20 I won't feel as lonely doing the everyday details of life.

How are you doing with the everyday stuff?

Sue

Random thoughts

After a busy week of having company, visiting with family and doing a few things around my house, I am ready to get back to the daily grind.  Almost anyway.

This morning I woke up early and random thoughts began to run through my head.  I have a cousin whose husband is pretty sick.  I began to wonder what she would feel like if he died.  How would she cope?  How would her grown children deal with such a loss? 

That got me to thinking about how losing their Dad effects my kids.  Even though they are all adults would they have make different decisions if Lane was still around?  Do they still think about how he would feel or react to what they do? 

Next random thought was how would Lane think I was handling my life without him.  Would he be proud of me?  Would he be disappointed that after 6 years I still get angry that he died and left me?  Do you think that wherever he is he feels guilty about that?

Random thoughts are killers.  They sneak up on us and stir up a lot of emotion.  But they also let us release some of our fears and anger that widows often keep locked away.  Having no one to share random thoughts with stinks.

What random thoughts get in your head?

Sue