Boring?

A friend of mine said something to me this week that kind of offended me but kind of made sense.  She said a lot of widows she knows are like new moms.  They talk and talk about someone other people are not especially interested in.    

I don't know if she was talking about me but it got me thinking about the subject.  Widows quickly come to the realization that friends and to varying degrees family members don't want to hear us talk about the dearly departed.  I always thought it made them uncomfortable but maybe it just bores them.  I too have been bored by a new mom extolling the cute behavior of her baby.  Am I doing the same thing to others when I talk about Lane?

I don't think widows talk about their late husbands to get attention, brag or gain sympathy.  I talk about Lane for a lot of reasons.  First, it lets me feel close to him again.  It brings my memories to life.  I talk about Lane because I don't want others to forget his kindness, humor and quirkiness.   

I try very hard to keep my Lane references to a minimum.  Although I have never seen anybody yawn, I have noticed blank stares or a quick change of subject.  I have been told that "living in the past is unhealthy" but maybe living in the past is just boring.

Why do you talk about your late husband?

Sue

I am taking next week off.  Have a safe and happy 4th of July.

Does it get easier?

Like all of you, I have asked myself this question many times over the years. For me, the answer is yes and no.

Sunday was Father's Day.  For the first time in 6 years it wasn't a tough day for me.  I was sort of surprised how easy it really was.

For the first couple years on Father's Day the kids and I planted something in our backyard in Lane's memory.  It was nice and made us all feel good.  Afterwards we would barbecue and sort of pretend that nothing had changed when we all knew it would never be the same.

This year I was alone and I was okay with that.  The kids all checked in but they live far away now so no planting or BBQ.  Also no tears or sadness.  I remembered some fun Father's Day celebrations and how his children would chide him about his boring stories or his lack of style.  But I didn't dwell on days gone by.  Or make myself crazy with "could ofs" or "should ofs."  I just relaxed and sort of forgot it was a special day.

So yes, some things get easier.  Then I woke up on Monday morning to an empty house.  And others don't.

Has anything gotten easier for you?

Sue   

What am I afraid of?

Every so often someone asks me "What are you so afraid of?"  Often times it is in reference to dating ("Why don't you try online dating? What are you so afraid of?") or how I should spend my time and money. ("Why don't you take a European cruise by yourself? What are you so afraid of?)      

Honestly, I know what I am afraid of and it's not dating or taking a solo vacation. 

·       -  I am afraid of getting sick and having to ask others for help.

·       -  I am afraid of retiring and having too much time on my hands.

·       -  I am afraid of losing my independence mentally or physically.

·      -      I am afraid that I will outlive the people I care about.

·       -  I am afraid of forgetting the sound of Lane's voice.

I guess I am afraid of being afraid. I don't want to be afraid to try new things.  I don't want to be afraid to travel my own road.  I don't want to be afraid of the future.

What are you afraid of?

Sue

Out of whack

All weekend I felt completely out of whack.  My back hurt.  I felt tired all the time.  Couldn't find a comfortable spot in bed.  All those little annoying things that make you feel not quite right.  Just out of whack.

Lane could always tell when I was out of whack.  He said I made a weird face that was somewhere between squinting and smiling.  He usually could laugh me out of it pretty quickly by either getting me to laugh at myself or telling me I was just getting old which made me mad.  In either case I seemed to physically react in a way that got me back into alignment.

It's tough not to have anyone to get your through those out of whack moments.  Someone who knows where to draw the line between concern and enabling.  Lane was a master at it.   He worried about me when he should and didn’t overdue the tea and sympathy when it was unnecessary. 

Not having him around makes the everyday aches and pains seem much intense.  Some days I go from out of whack to just plain whacky.  Coping alone is not easy.

How do you cope when you are out of whack?

Sue