Just plain angry

These long holiday weekends can lead to feelings of sadness, depression even anxiety.  Most of us widows hate them.  But this Memorial Day I was angry. 

I was angry at Lane because I had to change the propane tank on the grill.  I was angry at my Mom for dying (at 94) and leaving me parent-less.  I was angry at my sister-in-law who always waits for me to call her ("I'd call but I don't want to bother you").  I was angry at my friend in California who has been flying under the radar for months now.  I could go on because everything and everyone made me angry.

But I guess most of all I was angry with myself.  Angry that I am not more social.  Angry that after 6 years I still  imagine Lane walking through the front door.  And angry that I get angry for being emotional.

Well it's Tuesday morning.  Weekend is over and so is my anger.  Have a good week.

What makes you angry?

Sue

Walking on a treadmill

Sometimes being a widow reminds me of walking on a treadmill.  You keep moving but aren't getting anywhere.  People tell you that it is healthy to keep walking.  They say that if you put one foot in front of the other pretty soon you will be walking faster and feeling stronger.

Walking on a treadmill is a solitary exercise. No one is there to cheer you on.  No one motivates you to go faster or work harder.  You and only you control the pace.  Some days are easier.  You feel quicker, more agile.  Other days  you're dragging or feel exhausted for no apparent reason.  How similar is that to being a widow?

I have been been walking on a treadmill for 6 years and yes it gets easier because I'm used to it.  I know when to slow it down and when to increase speed. I can manage the ups and downs of the incline.  I even run and sometimes that feels good and sometimes it's painful. 

Like being a widow, walking on a treadmill can be extremely boring.  So why do I do it? Why do I walk on a treadmill everyday?  I do it because I really don't have a choice.  I am trying to feel better, stronger and take care of myself. 

Now that it is spring, maybe I can get off that treadmill and walk outside.  A change of pace might do me some good.  

What do you think?

Sue

Being married

I don't know if it is jealousy or envy but it is hard to watch couples together.  For me this is especially true if the couples are older and appear to have spent many years together. 

I see these couples at restaurants, shopping, even at my gym.  They may be happily married, they may not be.  I have no idea.  But you can see that they function as a team.  In most cases a well oiled machine.  They don't have to talk they know the plan.  Where to meet. How long he can tolerate shopping. When she is ready to go home.  When one isn't feeling well.

Lane and I had a some rules we lived by.  When we made arrangements to meet somewhere don't wonder off even if the other person is late.  When visiting family never park the car in the driveway. (easier to leave when no one is behind you) Watch for non verbal cues that say stuff like "Bored.  Let's go home." Or, "Put the drink down.  You've had enough."

I do get jealous when I see couples doing exactly what Lane and I did.  Living life with an understanding that you and your spouse can communicate  with just a  look or a touch.  Having rules that only you two share.  Being married.

What makes you jealous?

Sue

Yellow Jeep Wrangler

The last car Lane owned was a 2006 Jeep Wrangler.  He loved that car.  It was a convertible in the summer and a 4-wheel drive vehicle in the winter. It was bright yellow. I chose the color because it was easy to see him coming for me at the airport or at night.

After Lane died with much regret I sold that yellow Jeep.  There aren't a lot of them on the road but it is funny that I seem to see a yellow Jeep at the oddest times.  Walking around in Manhattan with my grandson or late at night on a deserted road.  Sometimes I see a yellow Jeep when I am feeling down and need   my spirits lifted.  Believe it or not seeing that car makes me feel good.  Can’t really explain it but it is like Lane's spirit is in that make of automobile.  It makes me think that maybe, just maybe he is watching over me.

Every time I see a yellow Jeep Wrangler I check to be sure he isn't the one driving.  To date, he never has been.

What types of objects do you think may have incorporated your husband's spirit?

Sue