Small changes

I am not adverse to change.  Change can be exciting.  Change can  also take you out of your comfort zone and shake you up.

I have made quite a few changes in the house since Lane died.  Had a bathroom remodeled.  Replaced a bannister. New furniture for the living room.  Now I have decided to have our, I mean my  bedroom updated.  That means new furniture,  floor refinished, paint  and some work in the master bath.  It's time.  Everything looks dated and ready for change.

But am I ready for this change?  I feel so comfortable in there. It is my refuge. Besides, Lane loved that room.  It is decorated in "our style."  It was our safe haven from the outside world.  He even died in there. And now I am going to completely change it.

It seems like I am  being disloyal or  disrespectful.  Am I just tired of the sage green walls or the scratches in the wood floor?  Or is my motivation  for this change a subtle (or maybe passive aggressive)  acknowledgment that  in order for me to move forward changes within my comfort zone need to happen.

Logically I know that a new coat of paint or getting rid of an old bedroom set will not change a thing. Lane won't be here to share the new room with.  I will still be sleeping alone.  But maybe, just maybe, it is the small changes that push us forward. 

What small changes have you made that have compromised your comfort zone?

Sue

No explanation

I have always wondered why Lane died on my birthday.  Was there an explanation?  Was it his way of making sure I didn't forget him?  Was it payback for every mistake I have ever made in my life?  Maybe his dying on March 18th was his way of being considerate.  I wouldn't be celebrating that day anymore so maybe his intention was to keep me from realizing I was getting older.  It's true I no longer celebrate my birthday. Untrue that  I haven't gotten older.

There never seems to be a good explanation when something you can't understands happens.  Why do some mean, unscrupulous people live to be very old?  Why do some women have children and others can't?  Is there an explanation when someone takes care of him/herself and still gets cancer or heart disease?

Some people think that God has plan for all of us. Or could it be just luck or fate that takes over?  I really don't know. 

Why did Lane have to die?  I don't think there is an explanation that would help me miss him less or not feel cheated. 

I guess a lot things in life can't be explained.  We just have to learn to live with the hand we are dealt.

Do you have any explanations?

Sue

The wave

I was putting on my shoes this morning and a wave came over me.  All of a sudden I was incredibly sad.  A feeling of despair came so quickly and was so overwhelming it was practically unbearable.  

I've had these waves of grief before of course.  I usually don't know what triggers it or how long it is going to last.  I do know that now that I have been a widow for sometime the frequency of the wave is less often.  But the intensity is not.  When that wave of grief hits it feels raw and fresh just like it did the first few months after Lane died. 

This may sound weird but I didn't mind that wave this morning.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't need a sudden wave of sadness to remind me how much I miss Lane.  That's a given.  But sometimes I need to feel some gut wrenching emotion to remind me that I still have the ability to feel something.

Lane died on March 18th.  Is there a way to prepare for a tsunami?

Sue

A good actress

I enrolled in an acting class in college.  After a couple of classes my instructor advised me to drop out.  Mr. Oberstein said and I quote "You enjoy being yourself too much.  A good actress is unrecognizable. The audience should never know who she really is or how she feels."  Needless to say it was a long semester.

If Mr. Oberstein could see me now he would think I was a pretty good actress after all.  A big part of being a widow is pretending to be something you are not.

-   We act like we are happy when we feel nothing but pain and sadness.

-   We pretend that being ignored by family and friends is acceptable.

-   We appear to be confident and self assured even when afraid and vulnerable.

-   We come across as "over it" because others want us to feel that way.

-   We acknowledge that life goes on but silently wonder where we now belong.

-   We smile when our hearts are breaking and no one has a clue.

Mr. Oberstein, I finally learned everything you wanted me to. I just learned it the hard way.

How good of an actress are you?

Sue