Stress

Kids, bills, job pressures and health problems are all known stress producers.     Being widowed should be added to that list. Facing life on your own can make the calmest, most buttoned up woman feel anxious, nervous and completely stressed out.

After Lane died I was shocked how easily and often I felt stressed. Everything got to me. Work, managing the house, taking care of the car all of sudden were stressful. I even stressed out worrying how other people thought I was doing.  It was a nightmare. My body started to take the toll. I felt tired and achy.  I began looking for relief.

Honestly, at first I did turn to food and wine to help me feel calmer, less stressed.  Both ended up creating stress.  I was constantly questioning myself -- Why did you eat that?  Are you drinking too much?  This self inquiry upped my stress level so I had to switch gears.

Exercise helped. The physical exertion relieved a lot of tension and I felt more relaxed. Getting more sleep was also beneficial.  I started to take some medication which I think helped some, too.  

Not having someone to share stressful moments or issues with is extremely difficult.  For me, even 5 years later it is still tough to deal with many of life's stressful situations on my own.

To all of you newly widowed, don't be surprised when your stress level increases dramatically.  Making every decision. Dealing with all of the household and family responsibilities is stressful.  Not to mention that just missing your husband 24/7 is enough to stress out anyone.  It's a wonder we all haven't gone completely insane.

Does it get better?  No not really.  But like everything else, you will learn to handle it because you have no choice.

How do you deal with your stress?

Sue

Two types of widows

I have a business colleague who became a widow in November.  This morning she told me that she was exhausted because she went out with friends on Friday and Saturday nights and to brunch and a movie on Sunday with her sister.  She went on to tell me that she accepts every invitation and spends as little time at home as possible.

I, on the other hand, spend most weekends alone in my house.  I do the usual errands and everything but that's about it.  I 'm pretty content doing nothing and doing it by myself.

Now  I don't want you to think I am a complete recluse with cats or anything.  I'm not.  I have some friends and I do go out occasionally.  But staying home doesn't bother me in the slightest.  I enjoy my own company and now that Lane isn't here I am working on being my own best friend.

As you all know one size doesn't fit all.  And that certainly is true in how we widows choose to socialize. Some do better keeping busy with friends and getting out of the house as much as possible.  Others, like me, keep it close to home.

Which kind of widow are you and why?

Sue

Valentine's Day

My husband was a romantic.  Valentine's Day was certainly no exception.  I always got a sweet card and flowers or a small gift.  He always tried to do something to show me how special I was to him.

For the past 5 years I have tried everything to make myself feel special on Valentine's Day.  The first year after Lane died I cooked myself a fancy dinner and opened a nice bottle of wine.  It was awful -- food and wine.  In the later years I tried to make Valentine's Day about me feeling special with a manicure, a facial or a massage.  While all these things were nice they certainly didn't make me feel special the way his smile did.

So here we are another Valentine's Day.  I know now that nothing I do for myself comes close to making me feel special the way Lane did.  On Valentine's Day and every other day he never failed to tell me how much I meant to him and special I made him feel.

To me Valentine's Day is one of those grin and bear it days.  You just plow through it alone, feeling sad that your special Valentine isn't with you.  Personally, I am just doing what I do any other Tuesday.  But maybe a little retail therapy could me feel special for an hour or two?

How do you feel about Valentine's Day-- now and then?

Sue

Positive reinforcement

Thank you very much for Speaking Up! last week.  I received so much positive reinforcement that it reminded me that by hosting this forum I am not only helping myself but others.  

Positive reinforcement.  I forgot how much I missed it.  Lane was very good at it.  He was quick with a compliment but to me positive reinforcement is more than that.  He helped me find confidence when mine was low.  He patiently listened to me when I needed to vent.  He helped me figure out how to solve problems at work, with the kids or whatever.  He believed in me.  He truly thought I could do anything if I put my mind to it.

I've adjusted to life without much positive reinforcement.  I trust my instincts and do the best I can.  But some days it is really hard not to hear Lane say "Good job Pie."

Where do you get your positive reinforcement?

Sue