Monday, October 22, 2012

Can't adjust to everything




As a widow I have learned (or been forced) to adjust to many things.  As we all know there is no real adjustment to being without our husbands. Going to weddings, holidays and family functions alone is something I will never adjust to.  But most of the time we cope, we do, we take charge.  We have to.

For me the things I still struggle with are the small details in life.  I can't seem to adjust to:

-         Not having someone tall to reach the good glasses 
-         Getting myself coffee each morning
-         Climbing on a ladder to change light bulbs
-         Having no one to complain to 
-         Not laughing with someone who gets you

I guess there is a fine line between adjusting to the changes a widow must make and accepting them.  Most of us learn to accept what we have to and try to adjust to whatever we can't accept.  We muddle through and find a way to do whatever needs to be done.

Some things I thought I could never adjust to I have.  But there are still many aspects of being a widow I find very hard to adjust or accept.  I guess I have to keep working on it.  After all what else can I do?

What adjustments seem impossible for you?

Sue

44 comments:

  1. Welcome back, Sue. We all had varying discussions on 'adjustment' while you were away last week. I related so well with most and found some inspiration from others.

    Speaking of light bulbs, one needs to be replaced high above my kitchen sink. Two outside flood lights are out also. Well, those are the least of my problems. I will eventually call someone to help.

    Some other adjustments, I think I have made, are recurring as bothersome. No matter how positively I try to adapt, something comes up and deflates my self-confidence. And I am not a new widow (4 yrs) anymore. But for me, the amount of time that's passed is irrevelant. There are moments where I regress on occasions.

    So, it is my goal to not think of the impossible. Adjusting takes a 'can do' attitude.

    Pressing onward with determination!

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  2. Yes, I think we all accept the things we cannot change but adjust...not really. I can't adjust to not having that daily hug and someone to tell me that I am loved daily. I miss going to breakfast with him and could never adjust to going alone - I'd rather skip a meal all together rather than eat out alone. Traveling alone is another "no fun" thing. The "aloneness" will never be an adjustment for me. But I keep working on the things I can...

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  3. I suppose this is minor but I simply have not been able to adjust to sleeping alone. It's only been nine months since his death, though. Will that get better? And if so, how long will it take? Winter is coming and my feet are always cold...

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    1. Sleeping alone is tough...for about a year I came up with every excuse for why I couldn't sleep in our bed. I ended up sleeping on the couch falling asleep to tv because plus the back of the couch was something warm and soft to snuggle up against. In short...I don't think your issue is minor and how long it will take you is up to you and how you feel. I'm a little over a year without my husband ... I sleep in our bed now, but I am still lonely...that will never go away.

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    2. I'm only 3 months in and it is hard for me too, the sleeping alone part. We had a king-sized bed, and I have to say I hated it once Terry wasn't there, it was so huge and it emphasized how alone I was. I had to move by the end of the month into a smaller apartment so I donated the bed to a retreat center nearby and bought myself a wonderful double bed. I got some gloriously expensive red sheets at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and got an electric mattress pad, and now it is a pleasure to climb into it. Yes, I still miss Terry, my whole married life (36 years) I always said that the best part of being married is that you never have to sleep alone. But knowing that I AM sleeping alone now I’ve made it as pleasurable as possible, and I look forward to climbing into my beautiful, warm, bed. By changing it to suit one person and by getting new sheets it is now MY bed, not our bed. That helped a lot.

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  4. Hi Sue! Welcome back:) I've learned that anything is possible if you believe in the power of positive thinking. The things that seem impossible to adjust to only seem that way when you define that change as something negative. Sure, it's harder and far more difficult to do things without my husband, and yes, changing light bulbs is one chore I hate having to do myself...but it doesn't have to ruin my day or define my life as more or less adjusted. I feel blessed to have loved, to have been loved, and know that doing these things was always part of our lives. Accepting this change in the journey only makes us stronger and should make us all the more steadfast in making the rest of our lives be defined by happier thoughts and objectives. It's easy to let the absence of our partners define the rest of our lives. I hope to make this next chapter celebrate the wonderful life we shared, and focus on making the adjustment to a continuation of a productive and balanced life with new experiences and happiness. Being positive is the path forward for me, no matter how hard it may seem...

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    1. Hi to the lady who wrote about not letting the absence of your partner define us for the rest of our lives. Thank you for texting that. I have the death of my husband, the having to move from a city I love , getting phycally inJured and not being to do the work that I love and people not meeting my expectations, that is who I have been. I am a kind, friendly person, who mostly loves to help people. I am afraid of how I have been and what am I going to do with my life. I had no idea that I could hurt this much. My husband and I loved each other unconditionaly. Every one says what would he want you to do. I want him physically here.
      He will not be able to do that.
      I will reminds myself to keep on choosing my life the way I want to be not the way I thought it was and what I expected it to be. What happened is what happened. I get to choose what i say or do about it.
      I wii be at peace, joyfull, keep my integrety, financially secure, travel, learn, do my art, have trustworthy friends to do activities with, bring joy to people, live in San Francisco, accept my family, be physically and mentally well, take care of my self, and accept myself.
      With the help of this blog site I have found people I can communicate with in a way I have been searching for. Thank you to all of you who write

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  5. the adjustment that seems impossible for me is the fact that I have loss my Best~Friend who knew me better than anyone and still loved me more than anyone ever will. I cant adjust to the fact that he was taken way before his time and without warning. I find it hard to except that this love story is over cause there were so many chapters left to write. I cant adjust to the emptiness in this house that use to be filled with love and laughter and dreams.

    I hope that I will one day adjust to this new life that was forced on me. And, after reading post from widows who have many more years behind them, then I do, it gives me hope that I will someday adjust a little bit more too....baby steps are all I can do right now and I have accepted that so for me thats a start and all I can do for now. Just helps to know Im not alone in this horrible grief cause I too have seen many post that I could have written myself. Before finding this site I felt very alone and no one seemed to understand the pain I was in. It helps so much to talk to others who "get it" and have felt it too and dont judge but care and understand the pain Im feeling. I agree we were very lucky to have been loved so deep and so much that it has made the road of grief a difficult one to go down, but feel so blessed to have had that wonderful loving husband/father for 36 years.....doesnt really matter how long it was it would never have been long enough.

    Forever Loved.....I miss him so much!!

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    1. wow! I thought I was loosing it!. Next week will be four years for me and I keep thinking I should be further along with some adjustments. Maybe I am rushing myself. I too have lost my best friend. no one seems to understand that I still feel somewhat lost! My confidence level is down from one who was so outgoing and strong. I guess I have to keep at this adjustment thing.

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    2. @annonymous October 22 4:11 PM, Your post touched me so personally. Especially your last statement. I have those words inscribed on the headstone at my husband's gravesite...

      A Gallant Man
      Forever Loved

      I wish you brighter days ahead!

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  6. Welcome back, I hope you were able to do something you enjoy while you were away.

    I'm not a new widow either, but there are some things I will always have trouble dealing with.

    _grocery shopping, he always did it because he liked to; and I hated it. I do it now, but I have to push myself into it.
    _small talk with strangers. When we were on a trip, a vacation, out for the day; if someone started a conversation in a line at a store etc., he would chime right in, and always found it easy to talk about everything with people he didn't even know; I took advantage of this and let him be the one to "go with the flow".
    _fixing the technical stuff concerning the TV, CD player, DVD player....and every other gadget that I find frustrating at times.
    _having no one to talk over problems with, and express my true feelings. He didn't claim to have all the answers, and I didn't expect him to, but we both shared everyting together. We knew what we talked about with each other would stay between us. I cherished that bond, and miss it beyond words. There is no one I would open up to like that now.

    But, yes I accept it, and get up and keep going. There is no choice.

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  7. Welcome back Sue!

    I am feeling a bit sensitive today. I have been a widow for 4 years, but have been seeing someone special for the last year. We broke it off over the weekend. It was a long distance relationship and we only saw each other every couple of weeks. He was a very nice man, but was divorced and seemed to carry a lot of baggage about that. More than I could understand or accept. After having such a warm, caring, loving husband and the most wonderful of marriages for 36 years, it is difficult to be with someone who has only known resentment, distrust, hate, etc.. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say I don't want to be with someone who is divorced.

    So now I am trying to adjust to being alone, again. So for me, I guess I am not adjusting well to the dating thing.

    And also having to do everything around the house by myself - the yardwork, the lightbulbs, cleaning up after the dog, grocery shopping. I am OK being alone, but there are times where I sit back and say outloud "I don't want to do this anymore". I don't think I'll ever adjust to being a widow.

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    1. You were talking about dating and this one statement keeps going through my mind...I don't know how to date. I want to date...I want to find a connection again ... but at the same time I feel like I am betraying/cheating? It is odd. I know that my husband is gone and we will never grow old together...never watch our children grow up together...and I just cry...should I be dating anyone when I still cry for someone else? How are you suppose to move on it's been over a year?

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  8. I totally agree with anonymous, 3:40A.M.

    Especially the last paragraph.
    I fear I will never totally adjust to being a widow and I, too say the same thing, I do not want to do this anymore.


    To day I am going through things I need to throw away. I am finding old photos of hubby when young and then older.


    When does the pain go away and the tears stop?

    I thought at 3yrs. and 3months I had made a great deal of progress, then I regress.



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  9. To Anonymous (from Anonymous 3:40 a.m.):

    I, too, went through some old photos and memories last week and I SOBBED when I read through our old love letters. So after 4 years, it still can grab my heart. And then on Sunday, I started crying in the grocery store!!?? So I don't know when the pain goes away completely or the tears dry up forever. I'm beginning to think that that will not happen. Of course, it is much better than it used to be but right now: not so great.

    Oct. 30 marks the 4th anniversary for me and that's probably part of why I am feeling particularly emotional. And, winter is coming on and that evokes a lonely sadness. And breaking off the relationship I have been having - well, it's no wonder I'm feeling so down.

    We have our ups and downs. Try to ride out the down time and know that it won't last forever.

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  10. Anonymous, I can not believe you expressed my sentiments exactly, I feel the same way, I just pray daily that God will help us adjust to this new life, I feel as you do no one could ever take My precious husband and best friends place. May God richly bless you!

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    1. Me too! I have this smug feeling that no one else can replace my husband in my heart. Intellectually, I know I shouldn't dwell on those emotions. Plus,feeling that way would be so unfair to someone who might come along?!

      However, I have ADJUSTED to being alone and know that I'm grateful for the love I had for so many years. Will go forward and try to keep an open mind.

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  11. It was 2 years in March that I lost my husband. I miss so many things. His sparkling eyes, his laugh, his voice! Oh how I wish I had somehow gotten a recording of his voice! I miss him reaching over and taking my hand in bed, falling asleep holding hands. Most of all I miss being able to discuss the kids with him. Having to figure out how to deal with things that come up with them on my own seems so overwhelming at times, and I miss the chuckles at night after the kids were in bed as we discussed their antics.
    I am so grateful for the strength my God gives me. I know I couldn't get by without Him , but oh what I wouldn't give to feel my husbands arms around me again.

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    1. 'Not being able to discuss the kids with him' is where I am right now. Just this morning, my youngest daughter called with disappointing news. She and her two sisters are adults and go through life's ups and downs. But since their Dad died, I feel anxiety when I try to be there for them. Giving advice and being supportive takes a toll. He was the one who could 'make everything alright' with meaningful suggestions. It makes me miss him just that much more during these times.

      This, too, is an adjustment that will be ongoing.

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    2. Me again, just ll days of writing the above post. My oldest daughter's husband has been treated for depression for almost a year. He was not responding well to treatment and was getting worse. He lost his job because of it. On Friday, we found out he has a benign brain tumor and will undergo surgery Monday.

      Being there for my daughter and her family during this difficult time makes me wish for her Dad's calming presence. It's hard to adjust to being an only parent to three daughters going through life's ups and downs.

      Please pray with us for a good prognosis and hope that this will offset the depression that may have been caused by this slow growing tumor.

      Thanks for'listening',

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    3. To Anonymous whose son-in-law faces surgery soon:

      Please know we all are praying for your son-in-law and his surgeon for a wonderfully successful operation. Hopefully removing the tumor will solve his problems and he can return to a happy life and productive career. We will be praying for you too and ask Him to give you and your daughter the strength to cope with this unbearable burden. But, you are stronger than you know. Because I can hear in your determination to be there for your kids that you have already put your own painful burden on the back burner to help ease another's pain. Seems that's what we women do best and don't give ourselves enough credit.

      Try to take care of yourself too during this difficult time, and keep in touch. We care and are hear to listen and understand.

      Jan

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  12. It has been 2 years for me and I've moved 2 times with my son. I still can't unpack as the memories are too painful to go through. We live in a home of perpetual boxes.

    A hard thing about losing my husband too was not having him around to put things together too. The Home Entertainment Centre, the Computer Network, the Wall Units, and anything else that is small or broken, so they remain apart. I learn patience and hopelessness. My trait of being a Control Freak is all but gone now. My son just gets frustrated. He is 10.

    When we moved this last time, I was fortunate to lose my depression, and found joy, as my old self died. But in doing so my in-laws also have almost disowned me, which is hard as they are prevalent in my son's life here in my new town, as I moved here just because of them. So I feel all alone. Am I the only one out there that because a new person because she was no longer someone's wife, and did not lead the same life any longer? I know I'm not crazy because my counseller says I'm not. Thank God!

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    1. You're not alone sister...my in-laws have basically done that but still want to butt their noses in my children's lives and influence everything they can with them. Sad if you really think about it. Stay strong, and live your life. Don't let them bully you is my advise.

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    2. Try being a "stepmother" who raised these kis. On his deathbed they promised my husband they would take care of me. Three months later...nothing. Very little contact and one doesn't return phone calls. Sooooooo alone

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    3. Dear Anonymous July 7, 2013 at 11:48,
      If I could I would make you tea, give you a great big hug, what I can do is tell you that all the ladies in this room are the most compassionate bunch and you aren't alone hon.....
      HUGS

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  13. Shortly before the end, he told me if anything should happen to him, that I should follow the grandchildren (our first grandson was born the week of his funeral)and their families. That advice was a gift.
    Still, there are times when I can't wait to share some news or confidence.
    Eight months later, I am still learning things about my partner of over 45 years.
    He continues to be with me, if only in spirit.

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  14. Today is 2 years and 11 months since my husband died. I just plain loved him and he loved me. We were lucky. For me it seems like eternity I am so tired of being a damn widow. And I read that after 4 and 6 and forever the wave of pain still comes, the loneliness that never seems to be filled no matter how much you fill the hours. What can't I adjust to ... all of it
    NN

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  15. This is my first post, and I'm not sure I'm doing it correctly, by just jumping in...but I was drawn to this group by its name. I am newly-widowed. Such a strange term. I remember thinking the next morning, after he died....."I am a widow now," and it felt like clothes that don't fit. They just weren't my style. It's so strange to be taking on so foreign an image, even though I mentally "rehearsed" it from time to time toward the end of his illness, knowing I would be faced with so many new responsibilities. The day I changed my Facebook status from "married" to "widowed" was major! I almost switched it back.

    Others have expressed similarly the loss of that second pair of eyes or ears affirming and encouraging, or making decisions WITH you. I attempted composing my Christmas letter for the year the other night, and ached to be able to show it to him for his input and approval. I think I have to imagine he's whispering in my ear that approval, helping me tell the story of our last year together.

    My husband died in June after a painful 4-year battle with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease). We were married for 46 beautiful years, and hoped to make it to at least 50, or 60, or even more! When we first learned of his diagnosis, I naively and wistfully said to him, "I was , hoping we'd live a long life together." He thought for a moment, looked at me, and said, "We HAVE." It stunned me at the time, but I had to agree...we had been very blessed. We were soulmates, a team, best friends, oh...so close! How many people can say they had that?

    Now they tell me I have a new life to live and must find my way through it. I'm still working on that, and expect it's a long-term project. I have some books I want to write, and places to go, but I can't seem to get unstuck from the misery of disorganization, inconsistent sleep, lack of drive and focus. I know these are normal in the grieving process, but they are so very frustrating!

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  16. I can't adjust to 'getting over it', which other people hope I will do. His death and widowhood isn't a minor adjustment to me, but it is to other people. They mean well, but I feel isolated and a little unwelcome when I talk about him. After even a couple years (and it's now been seven), conversation will stall if I bring him up, and this hurts. I don't live in the past and I don't dwell on the past. I am a 'can-do' woman, and am resilient, but I couldn't cut him out of my life even if I tried. I am so honored to have known him and I treasure what he left me - love, belief in the goodness of life, and enough faith to get by.

    So I write what I need to say in my blog, and I talk to other widows, who 'get it'.

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    1. I have read your blogs and you offer insight and fresh perspectives. Your above post is exactly how I feel at 4 yrs without my husband. 'Getting over it" is an ongoing adjustment for me. And yes, I still have a need to mention him. That's why I visit this blog and yours to express and release those emotions. Thanks for sharing!

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  17. Hi Gowitheflo, I am like you I can't adjust to getting over it either no matter what others think, we are the only ones that know how we truely felt about our husbands and the love we had. I too want to talk about my husband and can never imagine not bringing his name up often in conversation. I treasured our love for many years and will continue to as I struggle with each day. We have to hold on to our faith each day. Edy

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  18. To Anonymous Oct. 25@4:10 p.m.: Regarding how to move on/How to date. I would not suggest that you begin to date if you feel that it would be cheating or if you are still heavily grieving. The time that we feel is right to get back out there is different for everyone. You will know when you want to do this. Don't feel rushed. It might not ever happen. And that's OK too.

    Call it lonliness, desperation, or intense need, I was really tired of being alone and missing the type of connection that only a man can provide. I wanted to be told I was pretty; I wanted to be hugged and have someone hold my hand; I wanted someone to take me to dinner, etc... So I contacted a guy via Facebook that I had gone to high school with and who I knew was divorced. I figured that would be a relatively "safe" way to try the "dating" thing. We knew each other and therefore it wouldn't be like meeting someone new. We lived 400 miles apart. We dated long distance (saw each other every other weekend, talked every day, skyped) for over a year and while he did provide some of the things that I had been missing, it was so hard to not compare him with my husband. He didn't "get me" like my husband did. We didn't have that same kind of rhythym doing tasks or bantering back and forth in conversation. He was very demanding and didn't seem capable of the give and take that I was used to. Being divorced, he was very critical, somewhat self centered and never stopped talking about how horrible his marriage had been. It was not a happy time for me and all the hand holding in the world didn't make this work very well.

    In other words: he was not the man for me.

    So what did I learn from this: my husband set the bar very high. Which is good because it sets a standard that I know works for me. I also learned that people coming out of a divorce don't necessarily have the best interests at heart for someone coming out of widowhood. And I learned that while I enjoyed some of the dating experience, I also found that I didn't want him around all the time. I was glad he was long distance as I have come to value being alone. Maybe this would change if the "right" person came into my life, but for now, I am just going to lay low for awhile. It was an exhausting experience and I am more emotionally drained than I was before I started dating him!

    Not sure any of this helps - but it is just my experience.

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  19. I, too, have had friends who want me to get "out and about" and join in this or that activity....as early as 3 weeks after he died! But even 4 months isn't long enough to be able to just shake the effect of losing a life you shared for 46 years! I am fortunate, however, in having a small handful of friends who understand and will listen....but you still feel funny if it's all you find yourself talking about. Writing about it has helped me, and I've thought about joining a grief support group -- which this is, of course -- but I also want to find one I can attend physically so I can be in the company of people who have actually shared my experience. I joined one about 10 years ago when my father passed away, and found it very helpful.

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    1. Dorothy:

      I so enjoyed your first post, guess you did it right by just jumping in. Your comment about "newly widowed" really struck home with me. The term that really upset me is having to check the "single" box when I file my next income tax forms. I sure still feel married and hate widow too. I can't imagine ever feeling single after, just like you, forty-six years with, as you put it too, my loving soulmate, teammate, and best friend.

      With his suffocating terminal illness of twenty-eight months crushing him down, he knew fifty years was too much to ask for, but he did want to make it to at least our next, 46th, which we spent in a freezing shelter during a storm for the electricity to power his oxygen tank. He prayed not to make it to his next birthday, however, as he did not want his grandchildren to see him one more time in his condition. His prayers were answered one and half months later when the Lord took his last breath exactly on his birthday.

      I am at ten months and am still raw, lonely and devastated on a lot of days, but remember at "your four months" being so out of control emotionally minute by minute. I do get a few "somewhat better" days here and there now, but I believe it will always be an emotional roller coaster that we will learn how to ride and cope with over much time. Others mention trying to "get over it", but I am only trying to just "get through it." I don't ever want to get over him and our beautiful connection. We have been together since I was fifteen and he was seventeen and laughed that we still not only loved each other, but still like each other too.

      You and your soulmate are so right, we were so blessed to have had such a long wonderful time together, even though we know it could never be long enough. I too agree with you that this blog is great for being able to say whatever we need to say and be understood, but sharing face to face would be another great option to add to our grief release. I can relate to you and your poignant"jumping in" words so much, too bad we couldn't get together over coffee/tea at the kitchen table to share experiences.

      I joined a group through the local hospital's pastoral care dept and, like you, find it does help. Listening to others helps me put my pain in perspective and gives me time to stop thinking of myself and offer support to others with the same and worse stories to share. You might also like reading "A Time To Grieve" by Carol Staudacher. At times it was hard to read the words though, through the uncontrollable tears of stinging sadness. But, it helped me so much to hear the same feelings that touched a vunerable nerve and helped me know I was not alone and was not going crazy.

      Great "meeting" you Dorothy, hope we can keep in touch. I am here whenever you need to talk. I care.

      Jan

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  20. I see that I am slowly adjusting to certain aspects of my "new" life although I don't like it. I am not a quitter so in that sense, I march forward a day at a time.

    I just listed my property, a property that my husband and I developed, a beautiful property that is the essence of both of us. We were so content here. I find myself resenting the people who come to look, and even the agent who is so anxious to help me sell it. I realize that this "negative" reaction is part of the painful process of letting go.

    On the other hand, it would have been almost impossible for my husband, because of his nature, to deal with all that I am dealing with in this transaction. He would have resisted the necessary change and all the work involved. I keep thinking about how difficult it would have been for him had I been the one to leave first.

    In answer to the question "What I cannot or will not be able to adjust to?" Never again being with "my person," the one who shared my life for 55 years.

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  21. After three months I'm adjusting to asking others to do things my husband did for me. I’m grateful for my two sons who help with those things, but I don’t want to wear them out needing them too much. I’m trying to put up curtain rods myself, figure out how to hang pictures on what size hooks and nails, and it took me two dollars the other day to figure out how to get air in my tire, lol. But I’m learning. It has only been 3 months and the things I’m adjusting to have surprised me. I was hit the hardest when I went to the grocery, we always went together. To go alone, get a shopping cart (he always got it), and shop alone was really hard. I’ve not adjusted to him being gone, I don’t have any closure so it’s still hard to believe. I left for my friend’s for a few days and he came home from work, lay down on the couch, and went to sleep. I never saw him again (my choice), and while I don’t regret it it has made it harder to believe he’s really gone. I’m also trying to adjust to driving everywhere, I’ve always hated to drive. But I opened my own bank account and felt all grown-up.

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  22. I can identify with virtually every comment above. My husband died 2 years and 3 months ago and not a day goes by when I don't cry. I miss him so much. He was 28 years older than me but never seemed old. We met when I was 16 and started our relationship a year later. It always worked for us and we loved each other so much. He was my best friend, he was everything to me. I will never "get over him". I will always talk about him,he can never be "not mentioned". He was and still is the other half of me and always will be. I am who I am because of him,because of who he was and who we are. He gave me love, confidence and happiness and that happiness I will never have again. I will never be the same person again. Oh how I would love to have just 5 minutes of the happiness I felt when he was here, to feel the old me again. The light has gone out of my life, he was the light in my life.

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  23. It has been over 6 years since I lost my first husband. I waited about a year before venturing into the dating world. I missed the companionship, his strong arms to hold me, and how he seemed to have the answer to eveything. We also shared the same cynical sense of humor not alot of other people do. Well, I remarried 2 years ago, and, its not the same. I have tried to not bring up my first husband in conversations, as this husband doesnt understand my attachment to my deceased spouse, and gets miffed. Sigh! Sometimes I wish I would have been stronger and just stayed alone. I know I will miss my Tracy for the rest of my life, no matter what. He was a real mans man, the John Wayne type that you dont find alot, anymore. Love and Peace to all yall.

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  24. Hi this Quita. I am having trouble adjusting to letting his things sold, donated, or troung out. I have been this for I year and 9 months. He kept some things for over 50 years I get angry and sad about some of the beautiful art objects he kept in storage. The there are the objects the executed kept or gave away to other family members. My brother came and took , no he stole seme things too. It is the des respect and unccarring that hurts the most. I woul give all up to have him with me.
    As I slowly sort the things there are so many memories of what we use to do. We loved being toghether and camped as well taking trips to other parts of North and south America. I am sad as well happy of all of what we experienced.
    To make it worse only one family member from his side has called. I am no longer part of that family.
    My family also has rarly called me. Grief is not a desease
    it isn't even a mental illness. Grieving for our special love ones is part of life. I miss him much. I am having a difficult time adjusting to Melton being gone. I am also having a very difficult time how I am being treated. I don' t know how to be anymore at times. I miss being with people and just being me.
    I will be moving to my own apartment soon. That is one way I am taking care of my self. I can cry if I need to. I will also have the space to do my hobbies.
    My therapist told me when others take your things don't let them take your dignaty. Things are just things , I have a lot of my self to share and assist others. There is a song....One line goes the way you sip your tea, no they can't take that away from me" Our love and my memories no one will that away from me.
    In the movie "Gone With the Wind" Scarlet after the soilders take everything, she says as she raises one fist" As God is my wittnes, I will never go hungry again".
    I say "As you all are my wittness I will create my life full of love, integrety, joy, and be of service to those I can contribute to.
    I stated out texting with a lot of sadness, pity, and anger and now i am fired up and ready to go.

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  25. Four years seems pretty common here. My husband passed 4 years ago in September after 37 yrs married. Yesterday was our anniversary. Thought I was finally getting a handle on my life, I've taken music lessons, traveled on my own, walk my dogs, love my cats, did the gym thing for a while, spent holidays with friends, all the grief support ideas. Feel very independent, learned to do a lot myself. Enjoyed (and felt guilty) for being able to do things without worrying about anyone else's agreement. Loved my husband so dearly since 19. No one like him, he was my Steve McQueen and John Wayne. Not without issues but sweet, loved our animals and would do anything for others. As he got older romance went but love grew in different way. I have a weight problem now, hormonal, and not "cute" anymore. Have been totally happy to not give a fig what men think of me cuz they wouldn't measure up to him and I don't really want to worry whether I am pleasing, saying right things, not saying wrong things, etc. BUT this weekend I was swept by total loneliness. I am 60 but feel 40-50, long for a nice relationship, to be cared for, a little romance, mutual interests and going places out of fun, exploring, curiosity, walking dogs together, meals and movies. I want to totally captivate someone and be captivated by them again. But I am not attractive enough, getting too old, and haven't raised a family which seems to be an attraction in itself. We were childless. I saw the old musical Kismet this weekend and it flipped my romance switch that I flipped off. But I thought I was over all that and had learned to be alone after four years. Totally blindsided.

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  26. I just discovered this site and was looking for someone to talk with that felt like I do. It is going on 10 yrs without my husband but it feels like yesterday. We fell in love at the age of 12 and had so much history that it is so difficult to let anyone in or move forward. It's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I miss him mostly during the Christmas season. I have moved out of my home and now live in an apartment to get a fresh start but still all I can think of is how I wish he was here with me. I read the comment about the light bulbs and laughed because this is the first thing I remember getting upset and hysterical about when I lost my husband. I could not change my light bulb! See I am 4'11" and he was 6'2", the little things I took forgranted. I also had a 12 ft Christmas tree and me and my daughters had the worst time putting it up. However, this year, I donated it to my church since I moved in an apartment. I appreciate this opportunity to share a few comments.

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  27. 2 years for me and I am not adjusting well to any of this. I am so depressed and nervous all the time that trying to do just about anything is difficult.I am under a Doctor's care but not making much progress. I had a year to prepare myself as my husband also had ALS. When he first died I thought I was being strong by going on with my life and not crying much. My adult daughters who are very into their Christian faith tell me I should be happy that my husband is with the Lord and no longer ill. I really can't talk to them about how I am feeling because when I do I usually cry and they don't think I'm allowing my faith to carry me through this the way i should. I do have a tape my husband left for me and it is comforting to hear his voice. I miss him terribly and my life with him. My daughter tells me this is my new "normal" and I must adjust to it. I didn't do anything for Thanksgiving or Christmas this past year. I didn't leave my house or see anyone. I couldn't put up any decorations or purchase any gifts. It was easier being alone. I think my grieving was delayed because I was trying to be so strong in the months immediately following my husband's death, and now I am falling apart everyday. I also lost my job of 28 years 8 months afer I lost my husband. Then 10 months after that, I lost my brother unexpectantly. I am currently living in a landscape of grief.I hope I haven't depressed any of you any further and I appreciate being able to share my innermost sadness with people who understand.

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  28. I'm new to this site, but I lost my husband of 28 yrs 15 months ago. We had a business together and I had to close business when he died, so lost my job of 20 yrs also. It is very very rough, but just try to hang on and keep going. Reading all of your stories has helped so much. Thank you.

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  29. This is all brand spanking new for me. My husband died just one month ago today. He was ill but his death was unexpected and sudden. He died on his 66 the birthday. I have such mixed emotions. At least he is not suffering any more but now I am in so much pain. Thank God I have family close but it is not the same. I go to bed alone and can't touch him. I know intellectually that it does get a little better as time moves forward, but right now it is very very hard. We were married for 47 years and have been through many "storms", even a separation. But we loved each other deeply. I could not even think about the future with someone else. Just alone.

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