All weekend I felt completely out of whack. My back hurt. I felt tired all the time. Couldn't find a comfortable spot in bed. All those little annoying things that make you feel not quite right. Just out of whack.
Lane could always tell when I was out of whack. He said I made a weird face that was somewhere between squinting and smiling. He usually could laugh me out of it pretty quickly by either getting me to laugh at myself or telling me I was just getting old which made me mad. In either case I seemed to physically react in a way that got me back into alignment.
It's tough not to have anyone to get your through those out of whack moments. Someone who knows where to draw the line between concern and enabling. Lane was a master at it. He worried about me when he should and didn’t overdue the tea and sympathy when it was unnecessary.
Not having him around makes the everyday aches and pains seem much intense. Some days I go from out of whack to just plain whacky. Coping alone is not easy.
How do you cope when you are out of whack?
Sue
I feel out of whack often and miss having my husband to complain to. He and I had what we laughingly called our "organ recital." It happened each morning upon arising when we'd vent about our aches and pains. Then we'd help each other out with various suggestions or just listen. Now I call my best friend who is also a widow and we go through the litany. It's good to have her ear, but I don't feel as free or as comfortable as I did with my husband who had a great capacity for empathy.
ReplyDeleteAs time goes on, I realize what I'm missing the most is that connection, the kind you only have with a spouse or significant other after a lifetime of shared experiences.
When he could tell I was not myself, he would do something for me without saying anything that told me "I love you, and I care."
ReplyDeleteSometimes it would be getting me a glass of wine, or a cup of coffee and setting it by me where I was sitting. Or taking the long way home, driving slow, waiting to see if I would want to talk, or just ride along together in silence.
Now, I take a couple of pain pills, go to the couch, turn on the TV, or go out on the deck alone, go to bed early and turn on the radio to have something to listen to; and just get thru it.
My husband's 3rd yahrzeit (anniversary of a death) begins at sundown. I have the yarhzeit candle ready to go, the boys each have one for their homes, and for twenty six hours, that little candle in a glass will flicker and wave, reminding us that he was once a presence in this home.
ReplyDeleteTomorrow I will go to synagogue for morning services and say the kaddish for my husband. And then I will go to the cemetery before going to work. Since his birthday last week to his yahrzeit tonight, I have been totally out of whack. Or, as he would say, "You're out of sorts? Let me run up to the grocer and get you some."
I need some sorts. I'm sure I'll find them someplace over the next couple of weeks, but for the moment......
My husband Ronnie birthday is Wednesday the 27th its been three yrs nov 2012 and its stil lhard June 15 was our 27th year that we've met and the 3rd was my birthday, rough month, lots of tears and prayers
DeleteIt was nice to have someone to complain to. We used to do it all the time. Although he had more to complain about than I did, it was nice to have someone who understood you.Even if he could not do anything about it, he listened. I think that is the biggest thing I miss. I know we all feel this way. Just to have him to talk to. Alot of times it was about something funny, we used to kid around alot. Driving in the car, he used to poke my leg and then I would pretend to scratch his arm. He would say "if people could see us they would think we were crazy." They probably would, but we had so much fun together. That's what I miss so much. My daughter says I should talk to someone like a doctor about how I feel. How can I explain these things? No matter what a doctor says to me, he can't take away the hurt. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just can't explain the way I feel to someone who didn't know him. Didn't know what we had. Any thoughts? Has anyone seen a doctor? If so did it help?
ReplyDeleteIt was suggested to me as well to see a doctor, I was married for 30 years to a man who was 12 years older than me, we raised 2 daughters and their friends still come up to me and say how their favorite place to visit was with my children, it was always a rodeo. We had horses and always took extra kids with our kids to shows and rodeos. We had a way of communicating without even speaking, I just knew. He was a jokester and always comming up with something to make you laugh. What I miss the most is the hugs, they came when I was out of sorts per say, always welcome, he was a tall man and would wrap me in those big strong arms and the worries would just melt away. I was diagnosed with cancer first and he helped me thru it, than he was diagnosed just 1 month after my last surgery. He still tried to take care of me when I was trying to take care of him. I know in my heart when I say this I really don't mean it but why didn't god just take us both. He must have a greater plan for me, but for the last 3 years I have yet to find it. so for now I just get up every day go to work and ride my horses.
DeleteYou are right how wonderful it would have been to be taken together after 50 blessed yrs. I know in my heart I would have wanted to go with him. Each day I think (one day closer). I too just get up each day and put one foot in front of the other. Family and friends have been wonderful but nothing helps that hole that is in my heart. I had my first out of sorts without him. It was lonely and sad. Took myself to the doctor and came back to an empty and lonely house. Our son came and brought lemon custard ice cream which helped. This is 13 months and 2 weeks and 3 days....a long time without the love of my live, soul mate, best friend etc....could go on forever with all the roles he held. I continue to pray each day for calmness and now I somedays feel a calmness. Life as we knew it is forever changed.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain, my darling Husband died almost 3 months ago after many years of ill health, the final weeks were sheer hell, but he was home with his loved ones which was a blessing. We had been together almost 54 years.. I get through each day doing the necessary things mechanically, try to keep busy, but nothing seems real.. then watch meaningless TV until it is bedtime, listen to music so as not to feel so alone, but that gaping hole is so wide, and nothing, even the support and well meaning gestures from family and friends only helps slightly, I have to cope alone, and my heart is aching so badly. I feels as though my life is over, and can't wait to be with him again.
DeleteTo all you lovely ladies, thank you for sharing. It feels as though I'm all alone in this grieve, but obviously I'm not.
ReplyDeleteAfter ten years of being my husband's caregiver, I don't know what else to do with myself. He died May 13, 2012. I got through the first week better than I am now. Everyone said I was handling it so well and I would be fine. I hardly cried. I've never been able to hear the song Danny Boy without getting teary, but my husband loved it, so I chose it for the funeral. I didn't cry. Three weeks later, it's noon and I am going to have to pull myself out of this bed, but it's so hard. I still haven't filed any paperwork, paid any bills, cooked any meals. I can't seem to get it done or care to try. Because I spent so much time caring for him, I'm behind everywhere else also. I'm 59 - my husband was 73. We were together since 1981. I can't just get up and go find things to do around town, as we have a 26 year old daughter who has agoraphobia and is not willing to be left alone. Last night my four year old granddaughter looked at me and said "My heart is broken because Grandpa died". I've been pretending everything was fine, until yesterday, bills and no money, news of new health problems for me, and feeling like a ugly, worn out, fat piece of nothing came over me. Now I'm scared I'm going to let myself and my family down. I miss my husband so much. Did I treat him good enough? Why didn't I do more? Any words of advice for me? I sure could use them right now. I know millions have gone through this, but right now this just feels so personal.
The first month I was so busy with a funeral to plan, paperwork to get done, etc. during that time I was strong, I evenspokeat his funeral . My sons and my two best friends called every day. A friend who lost her husband 16years ago, told me at visitation that this was the easy part. Boy was she right! Now the phone doesn't ring like it did. Everyone has gone on with their lives but mine is forever out of whack! I hate that people that don't even no me well feel free to give advice. I miss him so. It will be 4 months June 8th and I am trying to make a life but it is so hard.
ReplyDeleteI know I wonder sometimes did I treat him good enough. I guess we all wonder that sometimes. This is just a way of life we have to get used to now I guess. I know that's not a good way of putting it, but I don't know how else to say it. I don't really feel like finding a new life for myself. I spent 54 years building the one I have, and I just don't think I have the will power to do it again. Besides I loved the one we had so much that nothing else could compare. So I just keep getting up every day.
ReplyDeleteYou have described how my life is right now.. I don't want a life without him.. We also had 54 years together., I spent the past several years devoted to his care, now what else is there for me to do.. I too get up each day, eat all the wrong things, he loved to cook, and I now hate it.. muddle through the day, I don't care what happens to me anymore.. I guess we have to try and put one foot in front of another and take each day as it comes, I am tired of everybody telling me it will get easier, right now I can't believe that.
DeleteIn my experience, a therapist is more valuable than a physician when it comes to feelings of loss and the devastation we're all experiencing. Fortunately I have a good one to talk to who also lost her husband. When I went to my doctor for a physical recently, he asked how I was doing and when I said terribly, he just nodded. I got lots of orders for various tests but little in the way of how to handle my grief. They're good at handing out prescriptions for pills that numb the pain, but not very good at giving the advice we so desperately need. Also, they don't always take the time to listen or to get to know their patients.
ReplyDeleteIt's all about what's in the chart, what the tests reveal.
Believe it or not, yoga. It's a really quiet/calming atmosphere. It requires me to push the thoughts and worries out and focus on the rhythm of my body. I always feel more grounded and focused afterward. I actually use videos like pm yoga for beginners since attending classes isn't always an option. Sue, thank you for sharing. Have you considered publishing your stories?
ReplyDeleteI found that grief support groups helped me. The first year is so very difficult....you are a "newby" in my terms. It gets worse, unfortunately, before it gets better. I spent the first year crying four and five hours a day, once I got going....and when I was home.
ReplyDeleteThree and a half years later, there are still times I choke up unexpectedly. There are still days I dont' want to get out of bed. But I am learning that my life is what it is. Everything everyone here mentions is soo true. for LOST and the others who recently lost their hubbys....don't be so hard on yourselves.....my one friend was running a business and didn't get her bills in order for three years. I am just now feeling like moving furniture and really cleaning the new house we built together. I can't work longer than a few minutes in the basement without crying...thinking about all the wonderful plans we'd had for it.
Hearing others stories really helps.....so, please, for the ones out there still in the first year of this reality....go easy on yourselves. In many European countries a widow is not expected to really function for a year after the death of her spouse.
Let yourself cry, wail, fall down in sorrow.....but always continue to get up and take the next step....it's really the only choice we have.
I so relate with you. At 3 yrs, 9 mos I still choke up at those times when a memory is sparked by a circumstance, song, feelings of loneliness, etc. Or when taking care of everything alone overwhelms me. You know, as soon as you take care of one thing, something else happens. It took me two yrs to take off my wedding rings. I finally became more confident in living alone. Now friends and family are urging me to start dating! Pretty scary at age 65. Something that is NOT on my 'to do' list but trying to keep an open mind.
DeleteMy sentiments exactly to our kindred spirits who are still in the early stages of losing their beloved husbands.
Take care of yourselves and go through this stressful time at your own pace.
Will you let men post here?
ReplyDeleteCall me Bob. My wife and partner of 35 years died 3 weeks ago. Tell me please, what happened to the friends that you and your husbands shared, Did they fall away? As the condolences are slowing down people are treating me differently. Are new friends part of starting over?
I can answer that Bob, yes all of a sudden the couples seem to fall away, only the truest of true friends are left, even brothers and sisters, it's as though we as widow women are a threat, or the loss of our spouse puts us in a contageous disease catagory. Hard to describe and not noticable at first, but i'm comming on 3 years, i have reupped with some of my former friends, but am always on guard as to how i talk with them, i never complain, cry or really let them know how i'm feeling, because i really don't feel they want to know, sometimes not knowing for them is bliss, than I have to rethink, are they really my friends???????
ReplyDeleteBob, I can only tell you from my experience and the stories I have heard from others. Yes, friends do become distant. For some who are also grieving your spouse, it is difficult ..they are missing that person too.
ReplyDeleteFor others, it is just not realizing you may still want to be included...the friends who always saw you in "couple" activities, don't consider a lone person in the mix. Those of us who are widows/widowers have found that new friendships with other "loners" work best. Most of the men my age group..(55-65) have taken a new partner within the first year, believe it or not. Hospice does not recommend that...since it takes an average of three years to fully grieve a death.
I think that if you have "guy" kind of friendships....those buddies with whom you golf or fish or hunt or play tennis, etc...those friendships will stay. But the couples may drift off....just too uncomfortable for them.
I lost the love of my life 7 years ago and it just plain SUCKS!!!!!! Sometimes, I want to do a Mary Kennedy and just get the hell out of this world. It means nothing without my best friend beside me. I have a great job, but at the end of the day,it means nothing without him. I just go through the motions. Everyone thinks I'm doing great, but then they still have their lives. I just had a really terrible surgery, but not cancer, thank God. There are still some small blessings to be thankful for. At the same time, I had to go through it alone. I was paralyzed for a few days after the surgery, but thank God that has been rectified. Small blessings, I also did not lose my job after an 8 week absence, another blessing. BUT LIFE STILL SUCKS WITHOUT HIM. I wish it wasn't so, but it is. I smile, I pretend, I joke I carry on, but all the while my heart still breaks at the thought of him and all the plans we had for our lives. he understood me and I understood him, it was such a comfort to have that feeling with another person. I used to tell him that I felt so content that I felt like a purring cat when we were together. So wonderful and I loved him so much. I refused to believe he was going to die and leave me until he went into a coma. I can't wait to be with him again in another life.
ReplyDeleteI also pretend to be alright around people, always acting as if there is nothing wrong and joking around the way I used to. My daughter in law, who is also a widow, told me that this new life is my new "normal." I have not adjusted to this "new normal." Even after three years, I still am treated differently by friends and family. They have gone on and I can't seem to. Everything I do these days reminds me of what I am missing now. All I can say is that things don't get any easier, you just seem to go on in baby steps.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband a couple of months ago and am mid-fifties old. It was easier to cope early on than it is right now. Overwhelmed is the feeling I have. I am considered a strong and capable person, but my recent actions (or lack of action) don't bear that out. I know that I should revert to my usual self and am realizing that I have to grab hold and consciously get back to it. Easier said than done though.
ReplyDeleteAmong many other things, I miss those big strong arms around me. Need that comfort. Not just a friend's hug. A man-woman hug. After several years of no sexual intimacy, I need the weak-knees kind of experience again. My body woke up a few weeks after. But...it's too early, isn't it? The moral upbringing of my youth about good girls stays with me.
And then i think, will i ever find another man who will understand me as fully as my man understood me for 3 decades?
I had plenty of warning about the life to come, his illness took time to finalize, but I didn't want to face it or believe it. And now here I am. Baby steps it is. I have confidence things will get better, and am waiting for it. Am also told there will always be moments, memories or songs that will trigger that falling off a cliff sensation. Also that it's different for each person.
My husband of 45 years died 1 year ago-I identify with many of your comments and feelings. I also lost a son 25years ago at age 25, so I have learned how important it is to take especially good care of myself. I too had plenty of warning that my husband's life would probably be much shorter than mine. What has been helpful to me are: the 6-week grief group I attended, Joyful Again weekend seminar and occasional 1 time only groups about coping with grief. My life is definitely different, but I'm starting to see that I have much to be grateful for. I see this time as a time to create a new life. I believe that my loving husband is with God enjoying a new life too, so I have been able to not long as deeply for him and concentrate on what it is I need to do in my new life. I hope this helps you in some way. We all have all have to walk through our grief at our own pace and let God do the rest.
DeleteNext Sunday will be 1 year. Also, Father's Day is almost here and our anniversary too. I am surprised there was no mention of Father's day because it is all my mind can think of these past few weeks. I went off the deep end this week- well it started with Mother's Day. I decided to clean out closets, etc and then was so depressed, the mess just sat. This week I went on another cleaning spree, yet I still did not finish what I started but added to the mess by moving rooms, furniture, emptying closets. I must have moved my king size bed 7 times from room to room. I just could not think or make up my mind what I was doing. I also have young kids, one with health troubles right now, so change and stress were not something I needed to add to our lives right now. Yet, there I was moving the couch like a mad woman and could not stop myself and then bam! It hit me. The grief of all these dates coming up- I just wanted to make the house reflect that interior peace I am so desperately in search of. I am soo sad and soo empty, confused, and stuck- not really seeing what my purpose is. I mean I have kids to raise obviously but what is my purpose other than being a mom? It should be enough right there but part of me just wants to stop and .. well, to just stop. I want my husband back:(
ReplyDeleteIt's been 7 months and I feel the same way, it is so much harder now. I want to give up and I know I can't. I have 3 children, ages 23 , 20 and 15 and I live because of them, but it is get harder and harder. I am in "hiding" as I say. I don't want to see anyone, I lay in bed and weep. My husband way my everything, our anniversary was May 28...29 years it would of been. Fathers day is tomorrow and I don't know what to do for my children. It has been so hard for them too. I just wish I had my husband to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok and I know I will never have that again. thanks for listening, the tears are flowing steadily now and I will close my thoughts to you.
ReplyDeleteTen months and four days ago the love of my life died of cancer. For fifteen months he bravely fought to win but he did not. The day he died so did I. I exist now, I do not live. My passion for everything is gone. I get up each day, dress and do what is necessary to get through the day. I have no purpose in life any more - as he was my purpose, he was what kept me going. He kept me grounded. Like others have said, my family and friends seem to have moved on and I have not. I put on my "I'm OK" face every time I have to be with other people, but when it is just me in the house we lived in, it is not the "OK" face I wear. From reading the comments of others, apparently I have a long road ahead and the pain and emptiness of life without him will be my companion for a long, long time. Such a future to look forward to. There is nothing or no one who can help with the pain and emptiness. "They" say that time heals all wounds - does it? And how much time will it take? I want him and our life back like it was before the cancer struck him. Is that selfish?
ReplyDeleteNo one here is selfish to want their old life back. We have suffered a terrible tragedy and it is okay to say that. Others do want us to be ok. I was confronted by a dear friend when I wasn't over my husband's death after 3 years. She said that is was time and that I was not thinking of others and that I thought my issues were bigger than others--like a car in need of repair or a sick child etc. This conversation will forever rank as one of my top worst moments of my life. This was from a good hearted person and I think it came from a good place of wanting me to get back to normal for myself and also for my friends. They missed the old me.What I have had to explain many times is that the old me is gone. I was forever changed by this horrible event. There is a new me now and she has some traits of the old me but she is forever changed. This is all okay friends. I was so hard on myself over this that I practically willed myself to "move on" and of course that doesn't work. Things happen in their own time and I now take it as part of my life's mission to share with non-widows how a widow feels and acts so that they can be compassionate. My friend who confronted me told me that if her husband died it would be sad but that she would move on. I forgave her for these heartless comments because I know they only came from a place of ignorance. We need to give ourselves a break and ask others to do so as well.
ReplyDeleteBoy, you just nailed it as far as I'm concerned. Of the gazillion changes widowhood brings, the fact that I will NEVER me the "old" me is the biggest. I also believe, as you said, that is why family members and friends are so snippy and unsupportive. They are beyond uncomprehending, and maybe even a little terrified, of the changed us. I'm also not as generous as you regarding forgiveness because it's just not that complex to realize NOTHING can be the same as it was before.
ReplyDeleteSeven months ago yesterday the love of my life died unexpectedly.It was the day after our 29th anniversary. I came upon this website to see if it would help. I've lost my connection to the universe; that person that gave my life a purpose. We have great kids and grandkids, but the two of us were inseparable.....I am so lost...
ReplyDeleteAh generous--to forgive---that took a long time but I realized that their actions came from a good place. In reality when my spouse died-part of me died as well and so they are grieving that part of me that is gone. My friend is also a "caregiver" type and so for her the most direct route to getting me "better" was to just force it along -in what she thought was for my best interest. That same friend is now mired in her own personal tragedies---although not death of a loved one and I can tell that she understands my experiences better now. The other thing is that they will never understand unless or when it happens to them and of course no one wants that for people they care about. Widows have tremendous grace and patience. They have to --sometimes it's the only way to get through.
ReplyDeleteThis month it is 2 years since my husband of 38 years died suddenly of a brain hemmorhage. I saw myself in every one of these posts. I will never be the person I was before. People including my children don't understand this. They just want me to be fixed. Keeping busy does not help, drugs do not help. Everyone thinks they know what you should do to get better. Somehow they think that going out and having what they call fun is what I need. I can't tell you how many "fun" times I suffered through just dying to get home. The only person I can talk honestly to is a friend I made at a support group a few months after my husband passed away. She is ahead of me in recovery, but still she understands because she's been there. Even my Mom who has been widowed for 16 years can't seem to relate to my feelings. I'm on auto pilot for the most part, doing only what I have to do to survive and take care of my home. My husband was my whole world and the love of my life and I'm lost without him. No one can fix this, I just have to learn to live with it.
ReplyDeleteThis was written by Canon Scott Hamilton (1847-1918)
ReplyDeleteDeath is nothing at all...I have only stepped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone; wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me,pray for me.. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity. What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well.
OMG! This is such a comfort! I talk to my husband all day long just praying that he hears! Thank you!
DeleteThis sentiment is really beautiful and I have heard it before. I like the idea that we are just separated by our loved one by space and time ....however..... it still does not soothe the pain....the hurt..and the loneliness. My husband died young so I not only grieve for myself but also for him-that he did not get to do more, be more , see more. I am always on a journey to find things to encourage me and the poem was a good if brief detour. Sometimes there are no answers for the hardships we bear and so we just go on and keep trying.
ReplyDelete. "I miss my husband so much. Did I treat him good enough? Why didn't I do more? " I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way. My son and daughter said "mom- don't worry- dad loved you- just the way you were"
ReplyDeleteBut still, I miss him so much and wish I could have done something to save his life. We were married 37 years. I spent my whole adult life with him- all the fun stuff, the struggles. I'm just worn out now. I don't want to do anything without him. I don't want to go to the "widows support group" or "empty nesters club" Dang! I feel so "thin"- that when I walk by a mirror - I am actually surprised that there is enough of me left to show a reflection. Still, everyone tells me how "strong" I am. I don't feel strong at all. I must be a good faker. But what am I supposed to do? sit on the couch and cry all day? At least I still have a job. Maybe I will feel better if I can sell my house. But I won't rush into it. Everyone says wait a year.
whew- I wonder - do widowers have it as hard? I can relate to every one of these comments. Do men have an easier time of this?
ReplyDelete