These long holiday weekends can lead to feelings of sadness, depression even anxiety. Most of us widows hate them. But this Memorial Day I was angry.
I was angry at Lane because I had to change the propane tank on the grill. I was angry at my Mom for dying (at 94) and leaving me parent-less. I was angry at my sister-in-law who always waits for me to call her ("I'd call but I don't want to bother you"). I was angry at my friend in California who has been flying under the radar for months now. I could go on because everything and everyone made me angry.
But I guess most of all I was angry with myself. Angry that I am not more social. Angry that after 6 years I still imagine Lane walking through the front door. And angry that I get angry for being emotional.
Well it's Tuesday morning. Weekend is over and so is my anger. Have a good week.
What makes you angry?
Sue
I thought I was the only one "angry" yesterday. I spent Sunday at my son's lake house for their big holiday party. All the young folks sat and talked together but never really inclluded me in conversation. Thank goodness my brother-in-law and sister-in-law (from my husband's side) were there to have a conversation with. Glad I decided to come home and not spend the night. But on Monday I called a recent widow and thought I would do something with her but she chose to sit home alone, not feeling like company. I have three single women friends I have reached out to with dinner invites and they accepted but none have reciprocated. Yes, I'm angry at them all...what's wrong with me that I am such bad company? I put on the "happy face" and everyone thinks I am doing "so great". I really feel like my "friends" have abandoned me. The lonely widow just doesn't fit it anywhere. I'm ready to quit pretending and say it like it is - life sucks! If I want to do something, it seems like all the invitations and kind gestures are up to me and that angers me. I pray that I can get over this feeling - I don't like it at all!
ReplyDeleteI don't think it was the long weekend that made me angry, I think it's just life in general. When I work so hard to maintain my health, my acreage, I am with family, etc, but I always feel like the outsider, But I know for a fact they can sure talk about me if I get up and leave the group, than I have heard the comments, but not to my face, give me a break, always in the group on the outside, I think i'll have a t/shirt made up with this. I'm almost to the point of really not caring. If any of them would like to wear my boots, have at it.
ReplyDeleteToday is the 559th anniversary of the the fall of Constantinople to the Turks, the 59th anniversary of Sir Edmund Hillary reaching the top of Mt. Everest, and what would've been my husband's 59th birthday.
ReplyDeleteYesterday was Memorial Day, but it was also the second day of Shavuot (Pentecost) and one of the days we say Yizkor, the memorial prayer for our dead. I was fortunate enough to have both sons with me in synagogue yesterday. It made it a little easier, but I can still see the pain on their faces during the service within a service.
And next week will mark 3 years since my husband had the bad form to die and leave me here a widow...without the benefit of my assistant spine....his hand pushing me onward.
So yes, I am angry. At him, mostly, for a whole lotta reasons...not the least of which is that I still wake up looking for him.
I had a really nice surprise. Our local synagogue had Shavuot and my girlfriend invited me. I saw my husband's old boss and his wife. They blessed me with unexpected finances and treated me like their long lost daughter.
DeleteI'm sad your day wasn't as good.
I was angry on the 28th because it would have been my husband's 56th birthday. My daughter has chosen to abandon me and I was mad at G-d for a million reasons. I made peace, but it took many long conversations with my girlfriend's to get to the root of the anger. I'm blessed to have many friends who are also widows. They have all gone through this stage of widowhood and are so understanding. My friends who have husband's are clueless (as was I before mine passed).
I'm glad your sons were with you. My daughter went crazy after her father died. She's pregnant with my third grandchild and yet I've never seen her or talked to her since her father made an untimely exit.
I guess the anger will come and go, but I'm doing better everyday.
The long weekend was hard for me because I seemed to be the only person on earth without a plan. Often Ed and I might do nothing but putter around the house but at least we were both doing it.
ReplyDeleteI was invited to a party on Saturday night celebrating the recent marriage of one of my youngest son's best childhood friends. My son was supposed to go with me but got held up and couldn't make it. I felt since we had responded that we would come I had to do the responsible thing and at least show up. It was difficult. I didn't know that many people there and was hit by severe social anxiety. I counted the minutes until I could leave, all the while hoping that no one could see panic on my face. I also tried to introduce myself and start a conversation with an older lady who brushed me off. After that it was hopeless and I could not wait to get home to safety.
I've never been shy before. Anxiety is a bad thing.
Today would have been my husband's birthday also, he would have been 65 today. He died when he was 58 of a heart attack.
ReplyDeleteAnger, it comes and goes doesn't it, like the memories of our life together; the good times and the bad.
I woke up this morning looking at the blank ceiling, thinking of him, and didn't really want to get up. Facing another day alone is almost more than I can do; but it's better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you as if your not there anyway. I can truly relate to many here, I know what you are facing.
I've learned to forgive myself a lot for being angry; it's part of this lonely road.
Yes, I had the courage, finally, to do some entertaining, and a couple who my husband and I had been very close to for many years called to decline their previously accepted invitation for another one they had received. Ouch! I felt very hurt, but decided to move on very quickly and accept the fact that some relationships have changed. In this case, I think the man had been very close to my late husband, and I think it's painful for him to be around me. I want to expand my social network and be open to new activities. It's been 10 months now, and I'm trying to be patient with my slow progress. It's all I can do to get through this first year and the newness and sadness of it all.
ReplyDeleteAh, anger. A hot topic.
ReplyDeleteMy husband's brother, a widower is visiting. We spent today going out to the rural cemetery where his brother's ashes are buried. This was his first time to see the place. It was a very good and healing experience.
On the long drive home, we discussed our marriages. I mentioned how I go in and out of feeling angry, anger at being left, anger at the fact that my life has changed radically, that I am alone and now responsible for everything and anger at the mess he left. His loss was over ten years ago and he said that it does get better, that his anger issues are resolved. I needed to hear this -- it helped.
My brother-in-law is, in many ways, like my husband so from time to time I accidentally called him "Hon." Funny. We get along well and he is a kind and loving man, but it was clear to me that I wouldn't want to get involved in another relationship (even if that were to come to be). I can see now that I've begun to value my solitude.
I get angry with myself when I feel I am regressing. I went to a Memorial Day outing that my husband and I always attended. I still go each year but the anxiety stirs its ugly head each time; in spite of being among longtime friends. The day before, I went to his gravesite at the national cemetary and made the mistake of mentioning it to a friend. I was angry with myself when I noticed that slight 'hesitation' in her voice with an unspoken 'are you still going out there?' This exchange made me somewhat blah the rest of the holiday weekend.
ReplyDeleteI just wonder if I will ever get to a point of not having to be on guard with people. It has been 3 yrs, 9 months and this adjustment is STILL challenging! Yes, I'm even angry about that. However, I will choose to 'let it go' as often as needed.
ANGER, yes I have it. This past Memorial Weekend was hard. Our wedding anniversary is the 26th and it starts the long weekend off bad. What makes me angry are all those people who said "we are here for you." Where are they 2 years later when I still hurt so bad. I get ANGRY at the people who think you should be over it. I hate every time I have to go out with groups because I feel uncomfortable. I hate having to take care of this house and yard we bought together and now summer is here yet again and I have to care for it. I am ANGRY he died and left me to care for his mother. I am thankful to have a job with friends but I am so ANGRY we worked at the same place together for nearly 28 years and now I go every morning by myself. Oh the list goes on but most of all I'm angry out two daughters have no father and father's day is right around the corner again to stab them in the heart. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI CAN RELATE TO ALL THE COMMENTS.
ReplyDeleteI HATE ALL WEEKENDS AND ESPECIALLY LONG ONES.
I GET ANGRY LIKE YOU SUE.
I AM ANGRY THAT MY HUSBAND DID NOT LOVE ME ENOUGH TO QUIT SMOKING CIGARETTES, EARLIER AND DIED OF CANCER. HE QUIT 12YRS. BEFORE HE DIED, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE. I BEGGED AND PLEADED FOR HIM TO QUIT.
THIS WAS A DEATH THAT WAS PREVENTABLE. HE LEFT ME NO CLUE HOW TO MANAGE THE INVESTMENTS, AS HE WANTED TO CONTROL EVERYTHING.
I HAD TO LEARN BIT BY BIT FEARING EVERY DECISION I MADE. I AM STILL LEARNING, BUT O.K.
IT IS NEARLY 3 YRS. I AM THE WIDOW IN JULY. I HATE BEING CALLED THE WIDOW.
I FEEL EVERYONE AVOIDS BEING AROUND WIDOWS, OR CALLING US. WE ARE A DISEASE THEY ARE AFRAID THEY WILL GET. WE ARE INVISIBLE TO PEOPLE, AND NOT WORTH THEIR EFFORT, TO CALL OR COME TO SEE.
MY X SIS IN LAW HAS NOT CALLED ME FOR OVER 6 MONTHS. I CALLED HER LAST. BUT SHE HAD TIME TO GO TO EUROPE FOR 3 WEEKS?
WHEN SHE HAS CALLED, SHE ACTS AS THOUGH I SHOULD BE OVER EVERYTHING. SHE SUGGESTS THAT I AM NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH TO FIT IN ANYWHERE. I NEED TO JOIN A CLUB,YADA YADA YADA AND BE STRONGER.
WHEN SHE BECOMES A WIDOW SHE CAN THEN GIVE ADVICE. SHE HAS NOT A CLUE HOW I FEEL, AND HOW DEVESTATING IT IS TO HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE OVER IN A FLASH. SHE WILL BE THERE ONE DAY
I HOPE I AM STILL AROUND TO SEE HOW WELL SHE COPES?
SOMETIMES, I TOO AM ANGRY AT EVERYTHING.
I HAD SOMEONE ASK HOW MY MOTHERS DAY WEEKEND WAS. I AM NOT A MOTHER. I HAVE A SMALL DOG. BUT, I REPLIED ALL MY WEEKENDS ARE JUST ALIKE, I AM ALONE. ARE PEOPLE STUPID, UNFEELING OR WHAT?
THANK GOODNESS I HAVE SOME ETRA CASH AND CAN STILL TRAVEL A FEW TIMES A YR. BUT EVEN THEN I FEEL ANGRY THAT I AM ALONE EVEN THOUGH IN A CROWD.
GOING AWAY, DOES NOT REALLY HELP, THE LOCATION CHANGES, BUT THE EMPTINESS TRAVELS WITH YOU. YOU CANNOT ESCAPE IT.
THE ANGRY FEELING IS JUST BELOW THE SURFACE AT ALL TIMES.
I COME HERE OFTEN TO READ COMMENTS AS I FEEL I AMONG OTHERS, WHO REALLY GET IT.
I had a lot to do this weekend. No, not parties and cookouts. I had to plant all of the flowers, lay the mulch, clean the grill, hang the wind chimes, scrub all of the patio furniture and get out the hoses. As I marked each item off my "to do" list, I felt satisfaction, and then lonliness and then major anger. It was an incredible amount of work that was always shared with my husband. We did it for a reason - so that we could enjoy our efforts all summer long. I have no particular reason to do it anymore. I don't like sitting in the backyard by myself. I keep looking at the backdoor half expecting him to come out carrying 2 lemonades. Yes, it was an angry weekend. I lay awake on Saturday night just thinking. And around 3 a.m. I actually burst into tears and hit his pillow. It's my 4th summer without him.
ReplyDeleteI am just thankful the weekend is over. Yesterday was my husband's birthday. That made it more difficult. I always feel like a fifth wheel whenever I go out. It seems a widow just don't have a place in anything. I hate being a WIDOW!!!!!!! All I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. I don't like being ALONE. I don't like having an empty chair across from me when I go out to eat. I hate going to the grocery store and just buying for one. I hate cooking for one. Will I ever get used to being alone??
ReplyDeleteI am also having a very hard time with being alone. I hate it. I can be in a large crowd and still feel so alone. I have two daughters that are in their 20's and we are close, but I still feel so alone. I too feel like a fifth wheel most of the time even at family gatherings. My husband and I were so close and I am so lost without him. Its been almost 15 months and I still cry a lot. I have a couple of friends but I am so lonely. Everything included my husband and now I don't know how to fit in by myself. I hate this so much.
DeleteI know what you mean it will be 2 years this month and I sill cry a lot too. My sons are grown as well but it is still really lonely. I keep feeling like they are forget that I am alone. My husband and I were really close too and feel lost without him completely. I am blessed though I do stay in touch with my sister-in-law. I too am anger for being left alone but don't know what to do to make that feeling go away.
DeleteOh yes, I know about anger! For me, anger and hurt are mixed up together. Anger and hurt at my once dear friend who emailed me the day before Easter to tell me to have a happy day and that she hoped I would not be alone. Anger and hurt at another friend who shot down my plan for getting a solar cross placed at my husband's grave because she passes a cemetery where "there are probably 500 of them." Anger and hurt at a friend who emailed me, admonishing me to quit thinking about me, me, me and to start a personal outreach ministry focusing on helping others so that God would bless me and I would heal faster. Anger and hurt at all the married people who have each other to go home to, sleep with, shop with, and share stories of their day with. And yes, anger and hurt at those who try to advise me on what to do and how to do it from the smug security of their married state. Even though I have been assured that they know what I am going through, no one knows the anxieties, fears and loneliness and I have learned to be on guard so I don't appear needy because then I have to bear the humiliation of hearing bits and pieces and answering their carefully worded questions and know that I am being discussed behind my back. The one Person who has been with me through all of this is the Lord, who has promised never to leave me or forsake me. If anything good has come out of my husband's death a short four months ago, it is that I have drawn very close to the Lord.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many of us that are lonely, to bad we can't all meet and I do belong to a group and its so helpful, and you are right, some day the people that don't come back around will have to go through this one way or the other and they will know just how lonely it is and how hard it is to be without our other half, I am so glad for this site
ReplyDeleteI can relate to all of you. May 21st was the first anniversary of my husband's death, May 27th was our anniversary. I stayed home and saw nobody all weekend except for when I went to the store. To be honest, I preferred it that way. Being alone didn't keep me from feeling sad or mad, but it was better than having to listen to well-meaning, misguided advice on how I should get on with my life. I wish there was a polite way of telling some people to knock it off. No matter how well intentioned they are they are NOT me and do not know what's good for me.
ReplyDeleteSure I was angry at first at him for leaving but I apaprently have awesome friends and family who have reached out to me MORESO than before he was gone. I'm young to be widowed, only 42. He died when he was 41, unexpectedly, and I'm going on a year now. I miss him and what he's missing with our two kids but he's not coming back so I have to live for them and make their lives as normal as possible.
ReplyDeleteI can't really say I'm mad, just sad. My husband was a retired Master Chief in the Navy. He belonged to the American Legion in our neighborhood and carried the flag in the parade. Last year he gave a speech at the cemetery in our neighborhood. I remember how nervous he was. It was only a year ago but it seems so long ago now. My friends don't really treat me any different. I'm lucky that way. I just miss him so much. We had no way of knowing this time last year that he would be gone so soon. He died in October. Sometimes at night when he thought I was sleeping he would talk to me. He would say that if he ever died, he would always be with me, watching over me. I would get annoyed with him, talking like that, about dying. He just wanted me to know that he didn't want to leave me but if he had to that he wouldn't be too far away. I'm not mad at him I just miss him.
ReplyDeleteIt has been 5 years since my husband killed himself. I am only 36... I have read all of your posts and remember feeling all of the same feelings you all have. Now i just feel guilt. Everyday i think about him leaving our two young daughters (5&10). I started dating a man last November and we have recently broken up. He didn't like the fact that i wanted to be around him all the time. He doesn't understand what it is like to wake up in the middle of the night and look for the man laying next to you, or having to take care of the bills alone, or go to the movies alone. You all are very courageous women.
ReplyDeleteOn the subject of anger, I recently got in touch with an anger that I have for myself.
ReplyDeleteThroughout our long marriage I always gave in to my husband's needs and desires. I rarely fought for things I needed. I always tried to protect him (and this is ironic) because I was afraid that he'd have an accident, or lose his health over bad habits, and then die and leave me. If only I'd had a crystal ball and seen into the future that no matter how hard I tried to protect him, worry over him at the expense of my own well being, he'd die anyway and leave me.
I consider this epiphany to be one of my big life lessons. Control is a myth.
My husband passed on 3/19 and our 35th Anniversary would have been May 27. I am not angry..but damn sad. I also am tired of people telling me what to do. Can't I just flippin be sad..jeeze it isn't exactly easy to find a new normal and it sure is gonna take a long time.
ReplyDeleteHe was amazing and made me laugh every day. Thank you for letting me vent.
Yes, I am angry and sad. Every time I have to do the things that we were suppose to share I get angry. My husband has been gone 20 months and our 49th anniversary was on Memorial Day. The real Memorial Day, May 30th. It saddens me that he is not here to enjoy the things that he wanted to do so badly. The things he worked so hard for. I don't enjoy them alone. He should be here with me like we planned. And yes, people don't understand the pain that you are in when this happens. No one gets it. They will some day when it is their turn. How sad that sounds, but I too am tired of being told how I should feel. I miss my husband and best friend so much. Sometimes I just wish he would walk through the door and my nightmare would be over.
ReplyDeleteJoyce Carol Oates wrote about widowhood and commented on how the meaning had drained out of various spots in the home she shared with her husband, because he wasn't there. I thought of that when, as commented earlier, I put the place together for the summer. We would then have a beer or a bottle of champagne and sit around a bonfire in the fire pit. The fire pit is ready to go, I had one beer, but no bonfire. Didn't have anymore meaning for me alone.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I cry plenty for the loss of my best friend and partner of 25 years. I am starting to think that was it, there won't be another to match that level of closeness at this second stage of my life.
But there is another part of me, the survivor, who is slowly surfacing. I'm beginning to explore life going forward. Maybe without this home we shared, or maybe a new career, or maybe travel. He would want that.
It's been a struggle. Part of me wants to preserve his memory for the rest of my life, and part of me wants freedom to enjoy what remains of my life. But every time I try to connect, they leave skid marks getting away from me. Perhaps I'm too needy at this stage?
It does feel like a black repellant cloud surrounds me as a widow. I went to a picnic as they did it in his memory, and felt obligated to make an appearance. I didn't stay long as I was getting sadder by the minute. I knew as I drove off they were all talking about me...I hate that part. It does lend itself to isolation.
And Joyce Carol Oates speaks to the anger in her book as well. For her (and me) it took the form of self loathing. She continually fought impulses towards suicide.
I looked her up on the Internet and it has been over four years since Oates lost her husband. She was doing a presentation and I must say I was given great hope watching it because I could tell she had made it to the other side of her grief and was moving on.
That is what keeps me going. Hang tough. You owe it to yourselves to find your happiness.
i wasn't angery. just sad for what my children won't have. my husband killed himself a week afeter i found out i was pregnant with our third child. he was a alcoholic and that week was well no words describe what itr was like.the man i marrtied was lost.the man i married would have never treated me like that or spoke to me that way. and enough was enough so i left. and 5 days later he killed him self. i finished school and passed all the certifacations. i don;t know. the hardest thing i have ever had to do was to tell my 5 and almost 4 year old children that daddy died. and i know that more hard questions will come as they get older. even more from my youngest daughter. who never met him. he was not a bad man. alcoholisim is a nasty disease that changes people and covers up who they are and want to be.
ReplyDeletei feel sad . why couldn't i have a healthy husband, a involved father to his children, a husband that could show his love for me. i look at my children, this day, almost a year form that day i was told that he killed himself. i am blessed... my beautiful children, for whom i love with all my being. i am not a poor me type person. and i am thankful for all that i have. my children, friends and family. i do not know if i will ever marry or date again. i don;t know if i can do that. i may have a diffrent thought in a few years . but i do kow that it would take a spectacular guy for me to do so.
i am 32 and have alot of life ahead of me. we are in charge of ourselfs and our happiness.
In response to Anonymous and Joyce Carol Oates - your response is "right on" with where I'm at right now. Interesting about the fact that you got the yard ready, sat at the fire pit but didn't have a fire. It's like we are conditioned to doing certain routines but once they are done, without our partners to enjoy, they aren't enjoyable. Does that mean that they are really nothing more than chores? Maybe that's a sign that it's time to find something else that's enjoyable. It takes a lot of courage to "move on". I am 59 years old, have been a widow for 4 years and I'm at one of those crossroads. I am putting the house on the market and going to try to start again. In the last 4 years I have lost my husband, my dad, a brother, and put my mom into a nursing home for altzheimers. I've cried a thousand times and stayed up late worrying about EVERYTHING. But you know what? I'm really getting tired of feeliing horrible. I mean, is this all there is for the rest of my life? There's got to be another chapter -a happy chapter. Just recently, I've been feeling an overwhelming need to LIVE. And I've been daydreaming about getting a cool apartment in the city or maybe going abroad for a year. I miss my husband with my entire being, but I also miss ME. Is it possible to find ourselves again?
ReplyDeleteI've been a widow for nearly two months now. I came here today to see how other women coped with "letting go" their husband's "stuff." My husband died unexpectedly. He was only 51 years old. He had been tired the week before, too tired to keep our date to see "Mirror, Mirror" on my birthday. We just thought he was coming down with the cold that had beleaguered everyone else recently.
ReplyDeleteSo far no mention on how to give up so many precious things when you have to downsize and move so soon after his death.
I was surprised to read so many entries about dealing with anger over this holiday weekend.
I, too, experienced unexpected anger last weekend. A lot of it was self directed, but I knew I was ready to lash out at anything and anyone and am still uncertain about why I was feeling so raw and emotional.
I'm angry at myself because I can't control my tears, my sobs, whenever people try to be kind to me.
I was angry, too, with a friend of my husband who has since snubbed me because I didn't accept her offer of a hug and platitudes.
I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, I just didn't want to break down in front of everyone in the congregation that morning.
Thanks to you all for sharing. I expect I'll be coming back to read more when I have more time. Right now I have to figure out what to do with a box of nearly new underwear and socks that nobody wants, except me, that I don't have room for in the moving van, that I'll probably pack and make room for anyway.
What a wonderful question -- is it possible to find ourselves again? I will never be the same so I don't think the old me can be found. My youngest daughter said to me "not only have I lost a father (2 and a half years ago) but I have lost you to". I too am caught in this weird place missing him hopelessly wanting so badly to hold on and never loose sight of his face in my minds-eye, the sound of his voice or the way I catch him looking at me for no reason at all. but I am also so, so, so very tired. Sometimes finding the will to go though another day is just too exhausting SG
ReplyDeleteI don't think we go back to our old selves... we need to find our new selves and I hate it!!!my husband been gone for over 1 year already, they say the 1st years the worst? how would they know..I miss him even more as time time goes by, my youngest son just graduated this year I thank God every day for my children they keep me going. My son is going off to college in the fall I'm sad and happy at the same time I will be all alone again..I need to find my new self soon! I feel lost I'm 46 my husband was 50 when he passes away,married for 24yrs two beautiful children daughter 19 my big guy 17 ..every day is exhausting,but I must go on
DeleteAll your notes make me cry. I lost my husband 6 weeks ago and I am angry, scared and lonely. Everyone expects me to be over things, to move on. One of his best friends who he signed a contract with selling his business is not honoring the contract as of now. The anxiety has been bad but I am so mad that he was taken from me so soon with cancer. We had so many plans. I miss talking to him and holding him and sharing things with him that only we understood. Now I have all these problems and have to count on others for advice. My kids have been great but they have grief of their own. But this isn't fair. We were suppose to die together like "The Notebook", except we just had the best sex ever.
ReplyDeleteI was widowed on 12/3/12. I have two boys ages 11 and 14. We lived an upper middle class life, and it is difficult to come down. I am 52 years old. I have no family. The first thing I learned is that no one cares. After that, no one likes widows. They either pity you or hate you. I am resolved to finish raising my sons the best I can, and to withdraw socially as much as I can. My purpose is to raise my children. I believe God wants me to be completely alone. That's why he gave my husband cancer, and forced an early death upon him. I plan on driving my car off a cliff in my early to mid 60's. The alternative is a terrible time in old age, and I feel I will have suffered enough. I believe only unhappiness lies ahead for me. The thing about widows more than anything else, no one wants to know you; you don't count. That's the simple reality. There are a lot of people that God doesn't like; others that don't deserve it are very blessed by God. It is just the way life is. I hate every day.
ReplyDeleteI can understand how you feel- I feel terribly alone also. My husband died from brain cancer Jan 28th. I wonder why people don't call---my world has collapsed but the rest of the world just goes on like nothing happened. I have also wondered why God would allow this to happen but I do not believe that He caused it to happen.
DeleteMy husband was the sole wage earner and I am having money adjustments too. When I think of the future I am afraid so I am trying to take it just one day at a time. I don't feel Gods presence but faith is not based on feelings so I guess this is a time to stretch my faith.
You sound overwhelmed, understandably so, but your kids need you so reach out for help-get in a grief support group, call your pastor and go to your doctor.
Everything that I have read says that the pain will lessen so hang in there and hopefully tomorrow will be a little easier.
I was the caregiver for my husband at home for nearly 3yrs. It will be 9 months on the 22nd of June. Everyday is a challenge to get through. We were very close, went everywhere together. We were married for 35yrs., 4 children , 9 grandchildren , & a great supportive family. All of this being said, nothing helps to get over this lost feeling that never goes away. My husband had 2 leg amputations, do to diabetes, stroke/ heart attack, seizures. He had to learn to try and walk with pros ethic legs, which he did not do very well with but he gave it a good try. Many times during the day I would catch him staring at me, I ask him what's wrong , he'd just shake his head as if to say nothing, that broke my heart I knew he didn't want to be a burden to me, but my love for him was so strong that no matter how tired I was , I would never let on, I would have cared for him till the end of time as long as I could have him near me. My world has no meaning anymore, I can relate to all that is being said here, I just go about each day as best I can , but my heart is not in it.friends ask why do you go to the cemetery every Sunday? It's because I feel close to him there. They don't understand and I don't care if they do or not.I Hold onto my faith in God to get me through this,and I hope it. Will be. Al Little easier someday.
Delete,
I get so angry every time I'm reminded "how much my three daughters miss their dad, they were so close" and yet their lives havent really changed much. Sure they can't pick up the phone and call him, or spend some time with him, but their daily lives go on as usual. I will never have a normal day that goes on as usual again.
ReplyDeleteAnger. Yes. If you don't feel angry ...you will. I was too drained in the beginning to be angry but it came later. I think the hardest part about anger is there is generally no one to blame and that is the most frustrating feeling. I could not agree with all of the comments above more in reference to anger and also anxiety. People do treat widows differently. You do not fit in. You make people uncomfortable. And by you I of course mean myself as well. I suffered terrible anxiety during my grief process. It started after a few years and lasted for a few years. Guess what every emotion you are feeling: anger, sadness, anxiousness, guilt, regret are all normal. Read that again they are all normal. You are normal you have just experienced a really abnormal event. It gives me some reassurances as I read everyone's comments that it is not just me who have had friends turn away or feel awkward in social settings. I had started to believe with all of my heart that people didn't like me but really I just make them uncomfortable. One thing that really angers me and I haven't seen it mentioned is when friends or co-workers complain about their husbands i.e he is so messy or he forgot to do something or he is such a pain.....oh my gosh are you kidding me? I just want to scream "you have your husband -shut up." But I don't because I am too polite. The other thing I have great difficulty with is going to bridal showers, weddings and anniversary parties. The pain is just too great. I only go to weddings of immediate relatives. I cannot bear seeing a wedding. Has anyone else felt this way? I also hate how some widows are so "out there" smiling,dating, finding new hobbies etc --good for them and I mean that sincerely but that is the standard by which the rest of us are judged and it is not realistic and it is certainly not fair. Love relating to people here-makes me feel a tiny bit less alone.
DeleteHi, I am Cathy Leach and a widow for 2 and a half years. What still makes me angry is being left out of some social events with couples that before my husband died we would have both been invited to! I also got angry in the early days when people would say " Just let me know if you need anything!" I didnt know what I needed and on reflection although it was a kind offer, I think it was a lazy. But we get through somehow!
ReplyDeleteI just simply hate how some people treat you when they find out that you are a widow. They start dodging from you when they find out,that just get under my skin. I have been a widow for nine years now and I'm in my 30's. I have never been treated this harsh in life, it's something else. I wake up and start the day and help my son along the way and yes the children get treated badly too...
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