I don't know if it is jealousy or envy but it is hard to watch couples together. For me this is especially true if the couples are older and appear to have spent many years together.
I see these couples at restaurants, shopping, even at my gym. They may be happily married, they may not be. I have no idea. But you can see that they function as a team. In most cases a well oiled machine. They don't have to talk they know the plan. Where to meet. How long he can tolerate shopping. When she is ready to go home. When one isn't feeling well.
Lane and I had a some rules we lived by. When we made arrangements to meet somewhere don't wonder off even if the other person is late. When visiting family never park the car in the driveway. (easier to leave when no one is behind you) Watch for non verbal cues that say stuff like "Bored. Let's go home." Or, "Put the drink down. You've had enough."
I do get jealous when I see couples doing exactly what Lane and I did. Living life with an understanding that you and your spouse can communicate with just a look or a touch. Having rules that only you two share. Being married.
What makes you jealous?
Sue
in a word...hugs. seeing couples hug makes me envious.
ReplyDeletei think it's the lack of intimate, physical contact.
Sue you hit it right on the mark. That is exactly how Richie and I were. We never had to say anything we would just give the look and we new what the other was thinking. I miss being with him . I really hate to see older couple together it makes me think of all the things Richie and I will miss out on. I would have been marry 32 years next Tuesday.
ReplyDeleteI am envious when I'm attending any school/other event for my kids. It's SO hard to see other couples/parents as they applaud their child. They lean into each other and smile - sharing in the fact that they have such a mutual interest and connection with this person that they raised together. My husband never missed any of our 5 kids' events. And it hurts so much to not have him sitting next to me. I feel most alone at those times. I always try to clap extra loud for mine to make up for the fact that there's just "me" and then I hate the thought that I might be clapping "too" loudly and drawing even more attention to the fact that I'm alone. It also bothers me to see my neighbors working together on their yards or walking together after dinner. It will be 4 years in October and I am still not used to being alone............
ReplyDeleteI feel a tinge of jealousy when I hear someone say that they've been married for X amount of years. If it's longer than what Sam and I attained (32 yrs) I feel very sad and wistful. I am happy for the couple, but also sad because I will never be able to share any extra years with the love of my life. May 8th just passed and I cried on the drive home from work - remembering that it would have been our 36th in marriage and our 40th as a couple.
ReplyDeleteI get jealous when I hear my co-workers talk about going home and cooking dinner, when they say I love you to their spouse on the phone, or even when they complain about their spouses!!! I still miss the LOVE of my life beyond belief...it's been 4 years and I think of him daily.
ReplyDeleteHI SUE,
ReplyDeleteTHIS HIT CLOSE TO HOME.
I AM JEALOUS OF COUPLES WHEN I VACATION ESPECIALLY.
GOING BACK TO VACATION PLACES YOU WENT AS A COUPLE IS SO EMPTY AND HURTS BEYOND BELIEF. IT IS LIKE LOOKING AT A MOVIE YOU ARE NOT THE STAR IN ANY MORE.
SEEING COUPLES JUST WALKING TOGETHER, REMINDS ME THAT I AM VERY MUCH ALONE AND LIKELY TO BE THAT WAY FOREVER.
i miss being somebodys somebody. i think the quite is awful too. all the special looks.he would tell me i looked the same as i did at 17. he new how to score pointes. i miss his smell. i miss it all
ReplyDeleteI always thought we'd be that very old couple -- he holds her arm and carries her purse as they help each other navigate the supermarket isles or cross the parking lot to their car, or up the path to the "elder" home. I had it pictured this way, but alas it was not to be and every time I see one of those dear old couples, my heart aches and I feel the pangs of envy.
ReplyDeleteWe did manage to get to 50 years which is an accompolishment, but still we were young at heart, and until my husband got sick, fit.
I live alone on a little farm and now have to do what my husband did or hire help. Last evening as I strolled the grounds, I found a dead gopher, something my man would have taken care of, now left to me. Things of this nature happen often and every time it makes me cry in frustration and saddness that he is gone and my dreams of our life as a very old couple helping each other have been replaced by fear and anxiety about how I'll manage alone.
It's good to have this place to vent.
My friend's have asked if it makes me sad to see them as couples. I say no but in reality I am happy for them but it does make me sad. Then I think one day it will be one of you left alone. We were the couple that finished each others sentences . We were happy to just be with each other. My husband always said as long as we have each other, no matter what happens we will be okay. He is gone and I will never be okay again!
ReplyDeleteHeck yes, I’m jealous and envious and angry and sad, and bitter, and…
ReplyDeleteEach time a subject is broached concerning the trials of widowhood, my response never varies – “this is the WORST”, but this topic encapsulates everything into THE defining one. Everything that we struggle with e.g. the dead gopher, (and that broke my heart) reinforces that we can’t escape from the realities of this “new” life, but not being a couple, as we planned and envisioned, prevents us from taking much solace in the fact that we ARE doing tasks (and doing them well in most cases) that we never ever could’ve foreseen because losing our guys not only robbed us of their presence and support, but we live daily with the constant reality that society has deemed us disposable because we are no longer coupled. Well, that was a REALLY long sentence, so sorry if I rambled. My point is simply (to me) that no matter how much progress I’ve made in the last two years because I can mow the lawn, fix a few things, or suck it up and make the dreaded call for help, the fact that my guy is gone while others are still together will always remain…the WORST.
When I catch two married's looking at one another, and smile at one another without saying a word....that silent commuication. It hits my heart badly.
ReplyDeleteWe did this together often. Also taking long weekend drives, sometimes going for many miles without saying anything, just being happy to be together enjoying the drive. When I'm in a car with a couple like this I sense the connection between them; it hurts, and brings back so many precious memories.
I close my eyes, bite my lip, and tell myself to be thankful for the memories I do have, and try to be happy for these who are enjoying each other the same way. But it is not easy, not easy at all.
ditto
DeleteI am envious when I see a couple with their children....sitting at a restaurant, playing at the beach, walking through the airport together.....all together. It breaks my heart that we are missing our link that makes us a whole family. I miss that partner in parenting - the simplest things like what do you want for dinner, who's picking up the kids, do we sign them up for (?), and more. Miss the couple time. Miss date night. Miss it all.
ReplyDeleteYes, that quiet understanding that exists between two lives that have been interwoven by many years together. Initially I would be envious but now I simply silently pray that they have many more years together.
ReplyDeleteI am so there with you. Its been 25 months, 13 days, and I won't bore you with the minutes and seconds. I dislike seeing couples it makes me sad, it makes me angry and envious. My Tom didn't make retirement age and now I'm there and I don't even want to retire without him. I can't bear to be the single woman in a couples gathering. This ache I feel I don't see it leaving. I look at married woman and think that poor woman one day is going to feel this pain.
ReplyDeleteit's so lonely, no matter who else you are with. always a hole, a emptiness. you really don't live, you survive. maybe after being together so many years,God should take you together. its not that i'm jealous of couples,i just wanted it to be us too. i no someday will be together again,but could be a long time coming.
ReplyDeleteI get jealous when I see that too.
ReplyDeleteIt hurts me too when I see older couples walking down the street holding hands. My Paul didn't make it to retirement either, and like buddyclark said I don't want to retire without him. We knew what we wanted to do together. Now who do I do them with? I also know about going to things for the kids without him. We always went to their games and practices together. He even coached their teams. In two days our daughter is graduating from college. He was always so proud of her and was looking forward to this day. Now I'll be there without him and I don't know how I'll do it. I start to cry just thinking about it. The other day my daughter was looking at videos that she took with her iphone and one was with him in it. There he was, as funny and cute as he always was. Just seeing him there alive and strong was too much for me. I didn't want her to see me cry, so I just left the room. It will always be like this for the rest of my life I guess. My best friend is gone and I'll never get over it.
ReplyDeleteTo Sue M: My son graduated from college last weekend and my daughter is graduating from high school in June. It is excruciating to be SO happy and yet SO sad at the same time. As for the video - please make sure your daughter does not accidentally delete it. I had my husband's last phone message to me on my phone and I would play it whenever I needed a hug or some comfort. It wasn't anything special. Just "I'm on my way home and I'll get dinner started. Love you." But it was EVERYTHING to me and I played it over and over. Then one day, when I was in a hurry, I pressed "delete" instead of "save". I was driving and had to pull over - I was so upset! Verizon probably thought I was a nut case as I pleaded with them to help me get it back (they couldn't). It's been 2 years since I deleted it and it still makes me sick to my stomach to think what I did.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: Let me tell you what happened on the graduation day. 2 nights before I was talking to him like I do sometimes and I said Paul, I know you'll be with us on that day but please give us a sign to let us know you are there. My youngest son was not there he is in the hospital, so it was me my oldest daughter her husband and my oldest son. We were standing outside getting ready to go in and my youngest daughter,the one graduating was checking the time on her phone. She said oh Stephen called and I missed it. His name came up on her phone. She tried calling back but got no one. After the graduation it dawned on us that Stephen's phone was at home and no one was there. We called him and he said he didn't call, besides he didn't have his phone. Then I knew that was the sign. Her father called her on her day. Also my next door neighbor told me that my dogs were barking like mad for the longest time. They never bark when we go out. I know he came home and called her, and I know he was watching her graduate. I know it sounds strange, but that's what happened. He used to say that if he ever died, he would always be with me watching over me. I know he is. Not being able to be with him but knowing he's here makes me feel better sometimes. Has anyone else had something strange happen to them?
DeleteLast Christmas I splurged and had a portrait taken of the 5 kids, daughter in law, and baby grandson. Several weeks later, I went to the studio to look at the proofs. They were all beautiful, but there was one in particular that brought the ever constant lump to my throat. It is of me in the center, with the 5 kids surrounding me and we are embracing in a group hug. The picture captures the emotions of loss, pain, tenderness and love. It also softly shows that we are "alone"; that he is not here...... It might sound silly, but I am envious of family portraits that show the husband/dad.
ReplyDeleteYes, all of the above - seeing couples together, knowing how alone I am even with two wonderful sons not far away. Everyone, including family, can move on with their "normal" lives, although they were "touched" by the loss of a father, their lives pretty much go on. Mine is cmpletely turned upside down and there isn't anyone to hug me goodnight or cuddle with in bed. I play cards with 5 very good friends but I know they can't even imagine how very painful it is to sit and listen to all of their plans for vacation, dinners, and other activities with their husbands. I try to keep quiet and not address my pain - but it is very hard. I would never want them to abandon me because I can't let them talk so I remain quiet and wait til the subject is over. It's so hard for all of us! Thank you for this site!!!
ReplyDeleteAll of the above. Old couples holding hands. realizing that we will never grow old together. Words exchanged without talking. i miss us. I can't find me . i am lost so alone 2 and a half years will it every end .
ReplyDeleteGrief has no compass. But you will find your way. Stay connected to blogging, your family, and friends. Make yourself do things you dread (like attending a wedding). Accept the pain, rather than avoid it. It is who you are. Strangers will always lighten the load and surprise you!
DeleteIt hurts me so much as well; seeing both old and young couples walking together, holding each others hand, gazing at each other....Couples with their first baby....And newly wed couples so happy together, starting their new life...............I'm a young widow....My husband and I were newly wed couple when he passed away....We love each other so much....He was such a wonderful husband...Very loving...sweet...thoughtful....humble...caring and protective.......He passed away several months after our wedding....We didn't get the chance to celebrate our first year wedding anniversary....I never thought he would be gone so soon...I thought we would be like those old sweet couples walking together holding each other's hand -- just what my husband always wanted and envisioned us to be when we're already old.......But all of our dreams and plans have shattered that day......We never had our first child.....It really hurts me so bad.............I can't forget the details of how he died....My body trembles each time it crosses my mind...It's so hard to accept because it was not a natural death......I was traumatized...................Reading all your thoughts here brought tears to my eyes.....But it's nice to know that we understand each other's pain because all of us here lost our beloved husbands........Our Lord God understands us, even if others don't.....I find great comfort whenever I talk and cry my pain to
ReplyDeleteHim........Trying to explain my thoughts and feelings to others who haven't gone through this same situation is not an easy thing to do....They jdon't understand how I really feel even when they say they do.....Some people told me that I shouldnt be feeling jealous or feel awkward if I'm with a couple in an occasion....That I should get used to being with these people...and start attending gatherings......But it's tough to pretend that I'm okay and enjoying everything that I see......It's just so hard living with this pain...... I miss my husband so much.....And it hurts when people don't understand....but you can't blame them.....We used to be in their shoes till this life changing event happened.....Things were no longer the same since then.....Our world became totally different from theirs......But God knows all about it...and one day, He will wipe away all these tears from our eyes...........My love, hugs and prayers goes out to all of you here.......May our Lord God bless us all and continue to give us comfort and strength.......
Sue,
DeleteGrief whacks us when we least expect it will. Recently during a funeral I was overcome by grief for a friend's husband and for her, her new life without him. What surprised me was the feelings of jealousy for the couple in the pew in front of me. Why did he have to whisper in her ear? Why is this road so bumpy? Another widow and I are trying to sort out our new landscape on freshwidows.blogspot.com. We welcome you and other widows to share their new life with us. Hope to hear from you.
Mary
Sue,
ReplyDeleteRecently I attended a funeral and felt the grief of losing a dear friend. Having been a widow for six years, I was surprised I felt jealousy of the couple sitting in the pew in front of me. During the funeral service the husband leaned over and whispered in his wife's ear. Who knew what he said? That rare moment brought back the intimacy widows miss. Telling others often does not help us. Blogging has helped. I would like to welcome you to our blog: freshwidows.blogspot.com (Don't forget the "s" after widow) Hope to hear from you.
Mary
My heart aches when I see other couples too, but even more heartbreaking to me is when I see that look on my children's faces when they see another child with their dad. I recognize that ache and longing that I feel too and it kills me to see them hurting.
ReplyDeleteThe weather is nice, so we keep seeing dads and marrieds at the park. There they are laughing and playing with each other, happy families. If it were a movie I would rate it r - children under 18 should not be admitted without a strong caring adult, caution- strong emotional content, drama, heartbreaking scenes which may disturb others, something one should not see in widowed condition. But how can one begrudge another what I truly want myself? Maybe there should be a widows with children only park.
The other thing bothering while I am venting is how hard it is to be a half. So many bills, so little money, no one to share with and no-one to reassure me that we will get through it together. No-one to relieve me when the kids are up crying all night and scared who will die next. No-one to hold my hand or rub my back or who just knows me inside and out and makes up for the half I lack. So many adjustments and changes. Losing him was 1, losing my kids dad was another, losing safety, security, laughter, joy, financial stability. It's very overwhelming.
I was very lifted up by anonymous though, who just lost her husband. How sad I am for you! I too have a great faith in God and if it were not for His love, I would never make it through this. My prayers for you also.
This subject is so close to my heart at this time. My husband has been gone almost 20 months. This month was his 70th birthday and soon our 49th anniversary. I am really sad today when I think of all the things we had planned to do. And you are right about all the little stares and touches that you knew were signals for something that each of us wanted. I suppose that I am jealous of other couples who have what I have lost. No one knows just how devastating it is until you are the one it is happening to. Everyone tells me(these are people who have not lost their spouse) that it will get better. I am still waiting. I don't think it will ever happen. All I want is for my husband to walk in a say "What would you like to do today?". We always loved to go on day trips. Instead I am here alone and everyone else is busy with their own lives. I miss my husband terribly and I don't know when the pain of losing him will stop.
ReplyDeleteGlad I found this site but the tears flow reading my feelings in your posts. 32 months for me, he was 63, married 38 years, together 40. I don't think the empty can ever be filled. Yes I envy couples I see doing what we used to do. I hate doing his " chores". One if my three daughters still seems to somehow blame me for his death caused by blood clot to lung after surgery. Nothing is easy. Prayers for all widows, especially those of us that really -really hate that title.
ReplyDeleteM-Craig, I really relate to your post and like you, I hate the word widow. My husband was 61 when he died of lung cancer. We were married for 38 years also. My three daughters live out of state. With no local relatives, I get weary at times trying to take care of everything alone. And yes, the 'couple envy' pops up out of the blue. However, after 3 1/2 years, I manage to finally embrace a sense of peace but the emptiness is still there.
DeleteWelcome to this site. I log on each week to share a word of encouragement or to gain a fresh perspective on how to move ahead graciously.
I can relate to all, I feel so along without my husband of 50 years, here today and empty house and friends and family dont come around any more, the loneless is what hurts, so glad for this site
ReplyDeleteYou said it best: feeling so alone;empty house;the loneliness is what hurts ...
DeleteI reply to your post because it seems that you and I were married the longest when our husbands died.
My husband died 2 years after a major stroke which left him with increasing dementia, with all its side effects. As his dementia worsened, I vowed never to put him in a nursing home, despite our doctor's warnings that his physical deficiencies would soon be too hard for me to handle (wandering out of the house at night; losing the ability to swallow; losing bladder and bowel control, etc.) I feel guilty about occasionally threatening to put him in a nursing home when things just got too tough for me to handle (as my doctor predicted). Thankfully, I know that those shameful empty threats disappeared soon after they were made since his short-term memory was so impaired, but I still hate myself for uttering them! However, I kept my promise to myself. He stayed at home with me until one night he began to cough in his sleep. The next morning the ambulance was called, and he died 3 days later in the hospital.At first, when all hope of recovery was gone, the hospital staff asked me to sign a Do Not Resucitate order. I looked at the nurse in horror, saying, "absolutely not!" Soon after, the attending physician found me in the hospital lounge, sat down next to me and asked:"If we do manage to revive him, just what kind of life would he be facing with all his major organs now completely shutting down?"
I signed the DNR!
Interestingly, several days after his death, I happened to find
HIS own signed DNR from many years ago in the family safe!So, in the end, I unknowingly followed his own orders!
What still sticks in my recent memory is my helplessly looking out the front window of our house as he was being carried out on the ambulance stretcher: I saw one lock of his snow white hair gently waving in the breeze, as if saying one last goodbye to our home.
His name was Ed. 2 months later,I bought a kitten with snow white hair and hazel eyes (like Ed's).I named her EDen, and she has now become the new love of my life!
I too am jealous of couples. My husband passed away 5 years ago, and it still hurts every day.We would have been together 33 years this past February, I miss him so much and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't go out, I stay around family and friends. If it hadn't been for my family and friends I don't know what I would have done. I did find someone 2 years after he passed away but it wasn't anything like our relationship. I stayed with him for 2 and half years. Couldn't stay, wasn't what I expected. He too had lost his wife but he wouldn't and couldn't move on. That and alot of other things. So I left, 7 months ago. My kids are grown, I no longer have a house of my own and it is very hard to move on. I hope that joining your site and having someone to maybe talk to will help.
ReplyDeleteTo Sue M: WOW!! What an amazing story about the phone call. One to keep in your heart forever. I have had several incidents that truly make me feel he is here and each time something like that happens, I feel his warmth and love. My daughter's senior prom was a few weekends ago and as she came downstairs in her ball gown, glowing with the fun of being 18 and "all grown up", I couldn't help but wish that her Dad could be there to see her. He died at the beginning of her freshman year and had missed all of her high school accomplishments. I silently said "I hate that you're not here. Our little girl is all grown up and she is so beautiful!!" At that moment, my daughter and I both distinctly heard and then noticed that the little clock that has been in the foyer for years (and hasn't worked ever since he died) started ticking. And not only was it ticking, it had the correct time. My daughter and I looked at each other and blinked back the tears. We didn't have to say a word. He was there.
ReplyDeleteWe had a group of friends, 5 couples, for decades. We always got together for birthdays and holidays and sometimes a happy hour or beach trip. I do pretty well when I just visit with or take little trips with my girlfriends but I cannot stand to go to a dinner with the four other couples. I love them all dearly but all I can think of is the one who is not there. It makes me feel so jealous and vulnerable to see them all together.
ReplyDeleteIt's 20 weeks today since my husband died after a short cancer diagnosis. In July we would be celebrating our 41st anniversary. I have no idea how I am going to get through that day. Most likely our two daughters won't even call because they have kept their distance since his death. They say that the memories are too painful right now. Well, what about me? I live in this house and am reminded of him every way I turn and in everything I see. I guess what hurts me the most about seeing other couples, is watching my retired neighbors across the street do things together. We were all four good friends and shared recipes, tools, meals, etc. and I really appreciate their continued support and the way they look out for me. It really, really hurts to watch them work in the yard together, wash their vehicles together, go away together and so on. I am not really envious or jealous because I care for them so much, but I do experience a crunching sensation right in the center of my chest when I watch them. Just today I got my husband's truck detailed in preparation for selling it. Whenever I see it in the driveway I experience a small sense of comfort, as if he is here somewhere. I know when it is sold, I will feel more lonely than ever, if that is possible. I just wish I could find someone to do simple things together, like have a cup of coffee, or go out for an ice cream cone, or sit and just talk. This is such a lonely life.
ReplyDeleteI can truthfully relate to what you're saying. I lost my husband, "best friend", 9 mos. ago after 43 years of marriage. I miss him so much and think so much now of the the things we actually take for granted. Having someone to gossip with, open the door for you, run to the store, walking side by side holding hands, not feeling well and knowing he would right here etc. I am fortunate enough to have many more things that I am thankful for. To not show appreciation along the way, can lead to misery later. Although I have been able to donate several things to the VA for the soldiers in need, (his decision), there are things that will be here forever. I have had several offers on his Mustang, but here is where it will stay. What I need to learn now, is how to venture out and live a life.
DeleteIndeed it is such a lonely life. One of my daughters was living in CA, I'm in the Midwest. The first time I visited her after John died, I got so upset to see that her life hadn't really changed. I mean she really missed her dad and being able to call him and visit, but her normal, routine life was the same. I was just so angry, nothing in my life was or ever will be the same. I guess that seems selfish, and I really am glad my daughters lives aren't impacted the same way, but I wish they understood the way I feel.
ReplyDeleteMy husband died 4 months ago. I have one surviving daughter (my son died 4 years ago of colon cancer). My married daughter lives in Texas, and she has 2 teenage children. Due to the distance, we see each other twice a year.I decided to reply to your blog when I read your comment:"I got so upset to see that her life hadn't really changed." We as widows must face the devastating loneliness
ReplyDeleteat a different level of despair now that we are left all alone, and our adult children have families of their own to worry about. Their normal, routine life should realistically remain the same as opposed to yours for the sake of their own immediate family. Nor should they be expected to truly understand how you feel.
I decided to reply to your comment because my own daughter (lives in Texas)was all excited today to be flying up to New York to attend a best friend's wedding of her adult daughter.Like you, hearing her obvious joy in attending the upcoming wedding weekend,at first, I felt surprised that her father's recent death did not seem to impact on her ability to continue to participate in future happy events in her own life.
As mothers, you and I must continue to rejoice in happy events in our children's own lives as we always did as they were growing up.Nor should we realistically expect them to share equally in our own personal sorrows. In sum, our own children can never be expected to understand the way that WE feel about their father's death, as you lament. Nor would we want to sadden them with that additional burden.
Remember that we mothers always do all we can to keep our children smiling, at any age. So, let's continue to keep our tears to ourselves and rejoice in the fact that our daughters (who are hurting in their own way)are still able to effectively continue their "normal, routine" lives.
I feel so empty, so lonely, it's been 6 years. I am so jealous of seeing couples together that I don't go anywhere unless I have to. I don't even go to family gatherings anymore. I stay home, I pray, I sleep. I long for the feeling of being loved and held in his arms. I have been in the hospital a few times, I just feel so depressed that I have no one to sit and hold my hand, to say it will be ok. I am so lonely, it hurts. I feel this is all I have to look forward to until I finally get called home and get to be with him again.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I found this site, it seems everyone is expressing exactly how I feel, my husband passed in Jan. we had been married 52 yrs. and dated 2 yrs. before that, I just miss him so much.
ReplyDelete