Due to my recent bout with insomnia, I have had extra hours to think. The last couple of nights I began running scenarios through my mind envisioning how my life would be today if Lane hadn't died. What if Lane were still here:
- Would we have taken that trip to South America we talked about?
- Would we be retired?
- Would I have lost 25 pounds?
- Would he be in good health?
- Would he still be cleaning the basement?
- Would I be sleeping better?
- Would he be completely bald?
- Would we have as much fun as we did in the old days?
I can't say I have answers to these "what ifs." I just know I would be a happier person if Lane were still here.
What ifs do you think about?
Sue
-Would his produce and berry business he loved be even larger...he loved what he did, and was always planning and working in his fields.
ReplyDelete_Would we have taken the trip we talked about to the Grand Canyon, and California to see the giant redwoods, and sequoias; it was a long time dream of ours.
_Would we still be on our farm, with his cattle, my horses, instead of having to sell it and everything we worked our entire lives for. It is all gone now.
_Would I be able to see life with optimism and joy again. Life is to be endured now, alone.
_Would the people who have drifted away, some unhappy with me because I can't seem to "cheer up", still be in my life....putting on a good front?
_Would life be even more difficult for him if he had slowly become more and more sick, weak, and unable to cope with the heart disease that eventually killed him? Was it more merciful for him to go quickly; in the midst of doing something he loved, picking berries in his fields?
Sometimes the what if's of life have no answers here. It does not change anything.
-would he still be hanging on to his cattle and land even though it was breaking us and causing much stress in our lives?
ReplyDelete-would I still be holding out for "security"?
-would he know about his brain cancer and it's outcome and have chosen a "path of his own" making life much more difficult for us all?
Guess I don't like the "what ifs" any better than the life I now endure. Yes, I have my security but what a high price I paid! Now, getting ready for another "first" holiday alone. I know I can do this, I just dont like any part of it at all. Blessings to all of you...we need all we can get!
I've gone through all the "what if's". I know them all. But what was said Would life have been more difficult for him. In my husbands case, yes it would have. He would not have been the same. He would not be able to do the things he did before. He was always running around doing things for us. He never let me do anything, even going to the store to get milk. Yes I would give anything to have him here still, but he would not be happy. It would kill him to have someone take care of him or not be able to eat or drink what he wanted. I think that when you really love someone, you always want what is best for them no matter what. He is not suffering anymore. He is happy now. That makes me happy. Now I have to learn to live without him and make my way. I have four children to think about and they worry about losing me when my time comes. Hopefully not for a while yet for their sakes. Please don't dwell on the what if's. They only bring you down more. Because no matter how much you think about them, they were not meant to be. I'm starting to realize that. This sight has really helped me. I hope it continues to. You never know from day to day. Like I said, it's been almost 6 months for me and I know I have more crying to do, but like all of us I keep getting up every day.
ReplyDeleteMy 'what ifs' are too painful to dwell on. From what if he had taken better care of himself to what if we were going on another cruise this year? What if he could teach our only grandson how to fly a kite? (something he looked forward to) What if he had been here to help celebrate my 65th birthday last week?
ReplyDeleteAll of it is so counter productive. So, I now manage to focus on the strong 38-year marriage and all the good that came out of it. When I can't sleep, I reminisce on happier times of joy and laughter. When I imagine him doing the things he loved, I smile and almost feel his presence! As I continue to adjust to being alone, I will be proactive in finding a new purpose in my life and move forward.
my big what if,is he was going to have a lung transplant, but then they found a nodual. they said to wait 3mos. and would do another pet scan. this time it lite up,so that meant cancer. they cancelled the transplant. his lungs were so bad he couldn't do the chemo or radiation. so i wondered if he would of been able to handle the operation, would we have had a better life? ill never no now. i often wonder now what is ahead for me without him. i can't imagine anything but surviving, if i can. its been 4 mos. i miss him so.
ReplyDeleteThere is only one "what if..." What if I had stood my ground and said, "This is ridiculous. I'm calling Tom and telling him to see you tomorrow," instead of letting him procrastinate on seeing our cousin the doctor. The little ache in the side was his liver telling him it was under attack by cancer...and he ignored it. I threw up my hands because he refused to move up his appointment. I don't know if it would've made a difference, but I would at least feel that I'd been proactive. Yes, I know he was an adult, but what if I had made going early an issue. Would he be here?
ReplyDeleteWhen he was in the ICU, just before being discharged to go home to die, I stayed with him overnight and asked him: if you had it to do differently, what would you have done? He answered: "not a thing." So he went in peace. I no longer have my best friend to share in the rewards of our 25 years of work together, but I know he would want me to continue on my way. It is hard staying here with all the memories, but I am going to stay until the path ahead shows itself.
ReplyDeleteThe brain cancer changed the man I loved all my life before he died. He didn't like not being able to take care of himself. He always knew me but couldn't remember big events like my mother and his daddy's deaths. I prayed for God to end his suffering. My what ifs include:
ReplyDelete1. What if we had skipped radiation and chemo and just gone on vacation back to Hawaii like we said we would do when treatments were over.
2. What if I had brought him home from the hospital instead of going to rehab as the doctors recommended. Would he have held on longer and been happier?
2. What if I could change it all and make him well?
3 What if it had been me? Would he have handled the grief better than me?
Got a phone call today from the monument company and his (our) headstone should be placed before Easter which will be two months since God called him Home. Now I wonder what will I do with my life and when will this pain end?
Of all the posts I have read here today when I stumbled onto this website I can identify with your post the most. My husband had cancer that eventually spread to his brain. He went into the hospital for surgery in Oct 2010 to remove a sqaumous cell tumor from his lip. He was put through extensive surgery and torment for the next five months only to have his life end as one who could no longer act rationally or know those of us who loved him. I understand completely how you feel. It has been just over a year for me and I feel so alone even though I know God is with me and has been taking care of my needs every sense my husband passed away, but I like you wonder when will the pain end? I still don't know if I am going to be able to say in the home we worked 24 years to purchase nor do I know what path God wants me to take next. I can only wait on his direction day by day. Thank you for sharing your story.
DeleteWhat if when he'd had that pain, the surgeon who looked at the CT scan had realized that the little blip of inflammation was actually the beginning of his cancer? But then I think about his aortic stenosis that was creeping close to surgery which, in his case, would have been complicated.
ReplyDeleteThis was a man who had already dodged the Grim Reaper several times, surviving a brain anneurism and an aortic anneurism because of what seemed to be "Devine Intervention." We called him the cat with nine lives, so I hoped and prayed that he would survive the cancer. But that was not to be.
I am grateful to have had 56 years with my sweet man. They were, for the most part, good years. During the last two, I saw signs of cognitive impairment and this scared me. Fortunately, he was able to make a well-thought-out critical decision: to stop his treatment when it seemed hopeless.
I try not to dwell on the what ifs. Useless. Instead, I try to focus on how I'm going to spend my last remaining years and find a purpose.
I've thought about "What If," the last 13 months... My first thought was... "What if I checked out first?" Hmmm... I know he would have been devistated, hurt and lost without his "Sweetie." He would have been in such pain as I... But, I'm sure he would have pulled himself together and gave me a beautiful send-off as I did to him. Missing my husband now and forever...... Trish
ReplyDeleteThere are no what if's with me because Fred and I met late in life, we did it all--knowing there weren't going to be a lot of years when we could. BUT--something like delayed grief (is there such a thing?) has set in 3 months after he died. I did not cry when he died. I did not shed one single tear for 6 weeks--then only a few that week. Now I am engulfed in a mind-numbing, physically painful, excruciatingly savage grief. I don't even want to go forward! I just want to lay down, close my eyes and have it all end. Why even try when it's not going to be any good without my Beautiful Man.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't cry either. I don't think I really started to grieve until the first anniversary Feb 11. Before that, I think I was too petrified to feel anything but fear of going on without him. I can't let myself think ahead, it's too scary. I want him back so bad! I don't want anything else, just him, forever, and I can't have that. I, too, sometimes wish I could just go too.
DeleteI think that i am soo thankful for the life we sharred and our children
ReplyDeletethat the what if? is and will always be
but the what if we never had loved or what if we hadnt had children would
Always be a what if?
Death at 51 while working out in the gym... There are lots of "what ifs or if they only", but what difference does it make. For me it has been 2 years and 4 months. I am not the same and I never will be. I have never experienced this kind of hurt, physical pain and total lose of purpose. You live in your own world understood only by those who have also lost the love of their lives. What if I could be with him now would the pain stop? SG
ReplyDeleteWhat if I had never experienced the love of this person! I miss him so much but am so grateful.to have had his love for 50 years. May the promise Easter bring peace to all.
ReplyDeleteI lost my Neal to brain cancer over 6 months ago. The world is a mighty empty place without him in it. We married late, I was 45 and he 50. We only had 11 years and it was not nearly enough. We never fought or took each other for granted as we were both mature enough to understand we had found true love and it was precious. His last anniversary card to me said, "The coolest thing I will ever do is grow old with you." Oh well.
ReplyDeleteI get up every day and take care of my life. I have no children or siblings to help. Just friends and my mother, who lost my father last year. I call my mother and I the Merry Widows Club.
I just recently put away all my "what ifs", and now I simply miss him. That simple emotion hurts terribly, and I cannot see it ever going away.
While some of my "what ifs" concern trips we didn't take and things we didn't do, my main "what if" is: What if the doctors had detected the cancer in time to do something about it? Billy died 8 days after his (pre-biopsy) diagnosis. Even if the cancer eventually killed him, we might have had a little more time in which to do some of the "what ifs".
ReplyDeleteI think about the 'what ifs'. It all becomes overwhelming to think about it. Thank God we had been very fortunate to have taken a few trips together in our early years together to realize that we both really enjoyed being "home" and spending time with our family. Sometimes I think we lived our lives in reverse.
ReplyDeleteHow it all happened.....
Took the day off from work to wrap Christmas for the kids and to finish everything on Dec 17th, 2009. My husband and I wrapped (something he had never really done before) We had a great time laughing as he hid the gifts in the basement one by one as we wrapped them. He was not feeling well...but we had been to the emergency room a day prior and found out that he had a kidney stone which he had suffered with throughout his life on again and off again. It had been about 5 years since he had had one. After goofing around the kitchen that evening making fudge for the kids Christmas parties at school the next day and him making his Mom's famous Blueberry pound cake that he loved for a family friend...we settled down to watch the 11pm news. As we settled down to watch the news before going to bed. He said that I looked like I was cold and put a blanket over my legs as he said 'you are always my nurse maid...You take care of me...I love you'. We both passsed out asleep from being up 24 hours straight days before at the emergency room visit and such a busy week. Sometime during that night he passed away at the age of 45 and a week from his 46th birthday which would have been on Christmas Day. Our children ranging from 4-14 at the time woke up to learn that their Dad had passed. It has been heart wrenching. He was my best friend and the love of my life. There's not a day that goes by that I wonder 'what if'! What if...I had woke up...I could have seen something was wrong perhaps? I had not been a good sleeper since having kids and been awake throughout the night. Why on this night didn't I wake up?
The doctors told me that even if I had been awake there was nothing that would have saved him. I wonder if they are just saying that? They found that he had atherosclerosis. But he did not have a stroke or heart attack.
He had delivered all 5 of our children because he felt I carried them for 9 months...he wanted their Fathers hands to be the first thing they touched when coming into this world. He was an excellent Dad. In June of that year we had celebrated our 15 year of marriage. Instead of a present that year, I told him I had somewhere I was taking him and the kids. We stopped by our church and our minister helped us renew our vows in a quick 15-20 minutes. I couldn't think of any better present then to tell him I'd do it all over again....and he agreed. Then we all went out to dinner. It was the best evening. One the kids and I will never forget. Thank God we had a chance to do that. I miss him so much...and we still had a lot of life to live...together. The kids keep me busy...but it doesn't take away that empty feeling. I'm trying hard just to be thankful for all that we shared together and not be sad and bitter all the time. I'm not a good actress so it is hard to be happy. I know he wouldn't want me to feel this way. It is hard.
God bless each and every one of you as we go through this journey. I pray that we all will be able to find peace and understanding.
Thank goodness you have his children who are a living part of him. Do you ever look at them and see him in them? I married Mike when I was 49, second marriage, and do not have that. I wish I did. I think it would be some kind of comfort. I do have two children, but from my first husband, who is also gone, but was divorced from 22 yrs ago. My husband died 14 months ago and I try to control my mind from too many what ifs. I just wanted it to go on forever. Death is not a natural part of life. That's why we take it so hard.
DeleteI have been a widow for 11 days now... Am in a panic today of what ifs ...Am 56 years old, have a good job but i am suddenly afraid I will not be able to pay the power bill etc... What if I lose my job....what if i get sick? My husband died after a 7 week struggle with cancer.. I have good support from local friends / family ...did any of you have these type of feelings.. Right now can't see the forest for the trees!!! Tell me this will pass
ReplyDeletePlease know your feelings are ok everyday is a new and you will be in my prayers
ReplyDeletejust breath take time for you one step at a time you are not alone
What if Joe were here?
ReplyDeleteI'd be laughing instead of crying
Tomorrow would be my night! Fri was the kids night with dad and Sat was mom's night of attention
He would have loved to see my daughter get her braces on
What would he buy me for Mother's day?
Would I be saving money to buy him a new ipod, because Father's day is around the corner?
Would he have liked having 6 baby chicks living in the house until they are big enough to go outside?
Now that he is gone, I can just imagine him walking through that door- how he would look, and how the kids and I would run to him. I can picture his lunchbox and coat, his baggy jeans, and his brown orthopedic shoes. He would look tired but so happy to be home. I really miss that!
Maybe the good what ifs are wishes and I think that is ok. It hurts terribly because it is not reality, but for just a few moments, it is like having him back again.