I got a call this week from a production company that is trying to put together a reality show about the life of a widow. I looked up the company and it is legitimate and well known in the reality TV world. He had seen this blog and thought maybe I knew some women that would be willing to audition.
Anyway the man (sounded pretty young) calling explained that the concept was to follow three widows trying to rebuild their lives without their husbands.
After a few minutes I knew that this reality show was going to be far from realistic. The production company wants to focus on military widows, 25-40 who have lost their husbands in battle. They might, however, consider other widows 40 and under whose husband died in a "tragic manner" like a plane crash.
He ended his speech on requirements by telling me that the show was going to be a documentary following these women in their quest to find new husbands. If he hadn't been so serious I would have laughed out loud. I gently told him that adjusting to being a widow had a lot more challenges than just finding a new husband. And that most of the widows out there were older than 25-40. Perhaps, our husbands didn't die tragically by his definition but their deaths were tragic to us.
He politely responded that "regular widows" were not interesting enough to be on television. "Who wants to watch a bunch of older women?" he said. And I had to agree with him. Heck, we have a hard time getting our families and friends to pay attention to us. Why would strangers? Maybe that's my problem -- I'm just not interesting enough.
Are you?
Sue
It isn't that I'm not interesting enough as much as it's just that I represent something that isn't pleasant to think about. I represent the fact that life can be brutal, it is finite and old age and wrinkles come to all of us if we live long enough. When you're in your twenties and thirties, retirement seems light years away and people like widows are boring. And as for having a hard time getting our families and friends to pay attention to us, well they are all so busy with their own lives that they are relieved if we don't need them for anything. Being a widow is not like having a broken leg or the flu--pain and neediness for a short time and then we heal. I am so thankful for this blog and knowing that there are others who can understand how I feel and know how hard it is to adapt to a life that is forever changed. And how easy it is to use cynicism and sarcasm as a protective shield against the hurt and pain. Oh, my husband died of boring cancer and I am a boring sixty years old.
ReplyDeleteYour reply is so eloquent, I really can't improve on it. Every day is hard enough without having this "jerk" describe us as "not interesting enough". I just thank God that Sue started this forum for us and I feel like I finally have some people who "really understand" what a life changer this is!
DeleteThanks. Keep blogging as eight months has not been long enough to begin to heal...
I'm not interesting enough either. Just simple me trying to rebuild my new life. But, it does sound like a show I would watch, but I'm not sure it would be good for my healing process. Kind of hard to make it a comedy or adventurous when it's real women with broken hearts, that fear the future. As for the older widows, I'm glad they had extra years with their beloved husbands and created more memories and good times together. I wish I was an older widow. Death is so final and tragic any way you look at it, but we all have our destiny with it one day. Staying on course... "Regular Widow," Trish...
ReplyDeleteNot only am I not interesting, I am apparently invisible so even if the age barrier (I’m 59) wasn’t a requirement for the “reality” show, my image wouldn’t even appear!
ReplyDeleteI kinda had to laugh at this week’s topic because I absolutely LOVE how everybody here “gets” it, and what made me chuckle was Sue’s sublimely delivered “Heck, we have a hard time getting our families and friends to pay attention to us”. It’s SUCH a relief to be in such great company and be validated time and time again that it’s not ME! It’s not me just not pulling my head out and getting on with my life. It’s not just me who at almost two years still has NO idea what the heck happened to my life. It’s not just me who not only lost my husband but darn near everybody else that was in life prior to the day he died. It’s not just me who knows that while the gut-wrenching indescribable, how-the-heck-did-I-live-through-that pain has subsided, the truth that I’ll will never recover fully nor do I have any idea and not much hope of a “better” life going forward. Whew! Nope, I’m not one bit interesting because pain and confusion sprinkled with devastation is simply not an interesting or socially acceptable topic.
Thanks sooooooooooooo much to all of you because your posts are my only sense of comfort and strengthen my resolve to never apologize for who I am and what I feel.
This is the most insulting thing I've ever heard. "Regular widows"? What What an ASS! And like "normal" people he makes an assumption that we all immediately looking for a husband the day after the funeral! Oh... I am getting irate just reading this! No, make that livid. Good thing he didn't call ME! I'd give him an ear full. And I was only 52 when my husband dies, so that makes me uninteresting? OMG, I better go. This could get ugly. The more I think about it the madder I get.
ReplyDeleteWhat is really and truly sad is that it would be a golden opportunity to truly educate people about the realities rather than Hollywood's concept of it.
Apparently this young man is the reason that we have such illectually stimulating shows for people.
ReplyDeleteApparently no one over 50 exists on television; therefore why would they be seen on television?
First of all, I would not watch a show that portrays such bias against older 'regular widows'. I would not be interesting enough either since I have not been on a date since my husband died 3 years ago. Even though I try to keep an open mind, I am not desperate for romance. If it happens, good. Otherwise, I have developed new friendships with women from an organization I've joined which keeps me busy. Other friends who have known me and/or my husband for years just don't check in with me anymore. I try to surround myself with people who boost my morale and make me feel 'interesting enough' to spend time with. In return, I give back by participating in community projects since I've retired and that gives me reason to feel I am serving a new purpose on this difficult journey.
ReplyDeleteOh, I am definitely not interesting enough. However, me trying to start the lawnmower the other day would have made for some good comedy...and sensorship.
ReplyDeleteJody, that made me laugh out loud! I can surely relate with similar situations. Hang in there dear friend.
DeleteThat is so funny! Just about two weeks after my husband passed away, everything in the house broke. Well, not everything, only the washer, the double oven, a window a/c unit, and the water heater. A good friend of my husband's who does a/c repairs came by and took care of the a/c and water heater - nothing major thank goodness. I had the washer torn apart for several days but managed to fix it. Bit the bullet and ordered a new oven about a month later (my hisband loved to cook and he always complained that the oven wasn't working right). I had to smile a little, though. In our relationship, I was always the one who was pulling out the tool bag and fixing things. Not that Rick couldn't, he just would rather pay someone else to do it, or let me have at it. Somehow I think he was behind all of that! Maybe it was his way of reminding me that there are lots of things I can do, that a lot of women wouldn't attempt. Tomorrow will be one year. I am still hurting, still afraid, still lost. But I think I will be ok. I have made it through a year.
DeleteActually, we are all very interesting. It's not us...it's them. They (the ubiquitous they) are afraid to see or hear us. But for the grace of G-d thing...you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteWe are fascinating. We deal with our issues, we grow, we manage, we use power tools. We are Spartacus and we scare the hell outta anyone who isn't a widow. Think aback about how you each treated widows before you were one...and then honestly answer WHY you did what you did. See what I mean?
Exotically made widows are just that exotic. The rest of us are just too powerful for the tube. Whole plasma TVs would blow up with our power!
This man has the same mentality as most of society today "out of sight, out of mind". They "create" their own concept of reality, so they don't have to face or deal with LIFE, AS IT REALLY IS.
ReplyDeleteHe will be in for a rude awakening someday, when he gets up, looks in the mirror, and finds he has become one of "us". (If he lives long enough, time and tragedy happens to everyone; and we never know what a day will bring).
Nursing homes are blatant examples of what the world thinks of boring "old people", get them out of our eyesight, so we don't have to put up with these relic's, these has-been's."
But, the wheels of time grind slow and steady, what goes around, comes around.
Thank you Sue, for the honesty, and openness of this site; it is much needed.
My husband died in his sleep on July 5th. No reason. Heart just stopped beating. He was 31. I am 31 and we would have been married for 10 years in may. We were HS sweethearts. Oh and we have 2 boys 4 and 1 who are now growing up without their Daddy. He was an amazing and loving husband and an even better dad. I am living half alive. Now THAT'S reality.
ReplyDeleteOf course we're not interesting to most of the mass-minded TV viewers, the ones who watch those tacky reality shows. But, if this young man had vision, he would take a chance on producing a real reality show targeting the "boomers" for example, the fastest-growing aging demographic. I know I'd watch a reality show about "real, regular widows."
ReplyDeleteBefore we hit the nursing homes, many of us are still young enough to live full productive lives, lives made more "interesting" by virtue of the fact that we are doing it alone. We are survivors (Ha! Now there's a title for a reality show).
The reality is that all couples are facing the eventual loss of a partner and those of us who have been through this are a scary bunch. Sometimes I think my friends are afraid that it's catching and distance themselves.
I love the comment from the widow about starting up the lawnmower. I could mention many comic moments in my life as I try to take over my husband's jobs, moments that would make great TV.
This is a terrific topic, Sue. Got my dander up.
I am both furious and sad that the young man would be so bold as to say we are not interesting. I was 55 when my husband died. There was no warning and no instruction book left behind to teach me how to handle the house, my job, the kids still in college, the 2 still in high school, the closing of his business, all while trying to put myself back together without my partner lover and best friend. Until others walk in our shoes they have no clue what being a widow is all about. Thank you for providing this outlet. I feel that I know each of you! Stay strong! PS I wonder if TLC would have enjoyed watching the way too big self propelled snowblower pull me around the backyard. Surely my dialogue would have spiked some interest!
ReplyDeleteTHIS FOOL, IS A TWIT BRAIN. HE NEEDS TO GROW UP.!
ReplyDeleteSO, WE ARE ALL NOT INTERESTING?
I AM A WORLD TRAVELER, HAVING LIVED IN 5 COUNTRIES AND TRAVELED TO OVER 30 OTHERS.
I HAVE HAD ADVENTURES, HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER HAVE AND MET MANY INTERESTING CHARACTERS.
I AM A REGULAR WIDOW, WHATEVER THAT MEANS?
YES, THE WHOLE WORLD WOULD LIKE FOR ALL OF US TO GO AWAY.
MR. JERK, WILL ONE DAY MARRY POSSIBLY AND MAYBE HE WILL BE A REGULAR WIDOWER?
TOO BAD, I CANNOT TALK TO HIM, HE WOULD GET A REAL EDUCATION OF WHAT I THINK OF HIM AND OTHERS LIKE HIM!!!!
WE ARE ALL UNIQUE, IN OUR LIVES AND CIRCUMSTANCES!
I AM THANKFUL TOO, THAT THIS IS A PLACE WHERE WE CAN GET VALIDATION, FOR OUR FEELINGS.
YES, MR.KNOW IT ALL IS A REGULAR WORLD CLASS TWIT BRAIN.
I WOULD WATCH A SHOW WITH REAL WIDOWS, SHOWING US ALL AND HOW GREAT WE HAVE PLOWED THROUGH THE MAZE OF DEATH AND SURVIVED.
WHO TOLD HIM, WE ARE ALL LOOKING FOR A NEW HUSBAND FOR OUR VALIDATION AS WOMEN?
FIRST OF ALL I HAVE NO NEED TO RUN OUT LOOKING FOR A NEW HUSBAND. MINE CANNOT BE EASILY REPLACED. HE WAS NOT PERFECT, BUT HE WAS SMART, HE MARRIED ME!
SO, THIS IS LONG, BUT I JUST HAD TO COMMENT.
To Darcy,
ReplyDeleteI can scarcely imagine what grief you bear, and what you face each day.
My husband had his first heart attack when he was 36, and I was 28, we had no children, but wanted them very much. He almost died then, but the doctor's did a monumental job in bringing him back. He lived another 24 yrs., but with many medications he had to take every day.
For ten years afterwards, we tried to have children, but were not able to, the meds were too powerfull. They kept him alive, but impotent. In his last years, he suffered a lot, it got to the place that he could not sleep laying down, but had to sit up in his recliner most of each night, and had terrible bouts of coughing, and pain in his chest. Watching him loose his strength, and dying slowly, was almost overwhelming, because I felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do for him, but love him. He died of heart failure on July 11, 2004; his body finally just couldn't take any more.
Life is not fair, we aren't gauranteed a life of happiness without suffering. Telling you this may not be much help to you, but I hope it at least let's you know I can identify with your loss, and in many ways envy you; you have two wonderful children your husband blessed you with, before he was taken from this life. I hope they bring you not just the struggle of bringing them up, but love, joy, and as they grow to man-hood, the assurance of your husbands lasting love to you.
The nerve of that man! So my husband has only been dead 2 months and right now I am not very entertaining... but I once had a life, and a love, and a purpose!!!
ReplyDeleteOff topic....I can't believe that my friends and family don't speak my husband's name. My son says that people are uncomfortable as to what to say for fear of making me sad. I AM SAD and I don't need anyone to make me that way.
I don't fit the target age group for the widow's reality tv but I could play the part of the crier of the house!
Gail, my heart goes out to you at only 2 months on this journey. It's been 3 years for me but I remember those early months of grief that consume you. I also noticed no one wanted to mention my husband's name and I so needed to talk about him. I still do to the extent of keeping his memory alive.
DeleteWe are here for you and truly understand those feelings that are so fresh and never completely go away.
So if you need to log on here everyday to talk about your husband, I know I wouldn't mind lending an ear during your time of need. I joined a local widows' group but it does not provide me the support I've received on this site sharing with all of you at different stages of grief.
Be kind to yourself and take care.
Thank u so much for taking an interest in my short sad story. My condolences on ur husband. I washed my mom die similarly so I can empathize that matter of loss. I'm so sorry u were not able to have children. I am thankful for them but am frightened by the fact that growing up without their father will hurt or change their futures or them. I have to reach deep into myself for strength bc I still have that part of me that wants to join him due to the unrelenting and unbearable missing my Joshua But my kids keep me here they sooth me but unfortunately I have to agree with Sue. I have no JOY in my life anymore. I constantly long and ache for him. He passed so sudden that I didnt receive any closure. That my sound selfish but I think it would have helped. It did with my mom even tho I was 18 and I knew she would miss all those "events" in my life but she gave me an amazing 18 years and I got to say goodbye. Thank you though very much in offering ur story. It was so kind of u. Take care.
ReplyDeleteLadies I would just like to say hang in there. I have been a widow for 7 years this pass May 4. My husband died from a massive stoke and a heart attack that happened while we were talking on the phone(he was an over-the-road truck driver). I was a stay at home wife and mother. He died 7 days from our 20th wedding anniversary. So on our anniversarsary instead of celebrating a joyous occasion, I was out buying items to bury him in.
ReplyDeleteI was happy when I read at first about the reality show. That would really be great to watch the challenges that one stuggle with to return to life again not as you knew it, but life as it is for you at this time. Sadly society does not want to embrace this journey, their loss.
I don't have a magical solution for any of your pain. I carried my hurt and anger and endured everything that goes along with the death of a spouse. My two daughters were 17 and 14 and I was 46. I had not worked in 12 years and was enjoying my life. Out of the blue life as I knew it ceased. I had income for a while because of survivor's benefits, but we all know that is very temporary. Next came the scary part what am I going to do?
Before the walls of despair came crashing down on me again, I was blessed with 2 teenaged godsons who are such a joy. This allowed me to experience a wonderful and exciting adventure with raising boys verses girls.They are still a part of my life even though they have gone on to college.
I am now dealing with the downside of the economical downfall. My home was foreclosed in 09. I was only able to get employment at Walmart which was part-time so not enough to handle the basic necessities for everyday living. As I write, I have been unemployed since last October. Between the time my husband passed and now I have been through so many challenges and I am simply worn out. I came across this blog by googling I am 53 and I don't have a clue what to do next. There have been some bright moments, my oldest has graduated from college, working now, but will start grad school to pursue her passion as a fashion stylist. My youngest is about to start her senior year in college, and she made me a grandmother last year, the cutiest little girl in the world. My godsons are pursing their chosen paths and now here I am still struggling with what problem was I sent on this earth to solve. Couple that with the fact that I only have a small unemployment check every week which is much less than I was making at Walmart, I am at a loss on what to do next.
Even with all that I am facing, I send my encouragement to each one of you. I attended a widow's support group at first and I was the youngest person there as well as the only African American, not even a issue. When I shared my story the other men and women would hang on to my every word. I talked from a spiritual perspective and they told me it brought them great comfort. That made me feel good because they had many years on me and many more years of marriage. I think the lady over the group kind of got offended, more like a litte jealousy, and felt as if I was taking over. I stopped going after a while and some of them called me to tell me how much I was missed and how they miss hearing me speak.
I guess I'll end this long drawn out speach now. I still feel like I'm in hell on earth with my financial struggles which means my quality of everyday living sucks. I am thankful to be alive and my health is good execpt for dealing with high blood pressure which I developed during the time of dealing with the devastation of foreclosure. I know God has a plan, he just have not let me in on it so I feel like I'm in a fog and I can't see my way out.
I'm a regular widow, many things in the house broke within a year of johns death, I can't start a lawn mower, I have to work, I'm alone even with people, and I still wear my wedding ring. How utterly boaring, right?
ReplyDeleteNot at all! I wore my wedding rings for over two years. I finally removed them from fear of ridicule. I am no little Miss Fix-it but I have gotten tired of paying someone to do the things my husband used to do. Since I am now retired, I have become more self-reliant and tackle some small projects which gives me confidence and a sense of accomplishment.
DeleteI'm at the 7 month mark, and things will probably change, but right now I have every intent to wear my wedding ring for decades. If anyone has the nerve to tell me otherwise, its really not their call it is ours.
ReplyDeleteFortunately I have always been the repair man aournd the house. I try to keep the lawn going, and my neighbors politely help with the grass when it gets behind.
There are probably many paths ahead different for all of us. Me and my husband have been to hell and back more the once through illness for our oldest and his cancer.
Its not that hard crossing heaven and earth. Love is definitely greater then death. Different from what I thought our marriage we be at 50, but in its odd way, this is where we are, spiritual and get a little help from heaven when needed