I just got back from three grueling weeks on the road. Business travel became really tough for me after Lane died. So I have limited these types of trips. But this one was unavoidable.
Anyway the work was good and the client team was great. I even got to spend a weekend visiting my daughter and grandson in New York. Then on the day before I was supposed to come home I got food poisoning and my back went out. I spent the night in my hotel room moaning, groaning and completely miserable.
But some kind of amazing things happened that night. I got texts from my worried clients every couple of hours. I never met these people before this trip and their concern really made me feel good. My next-door neighbor called that night because he was worried about me when he saw the junk mail piling up on my porch. He called to check that I was okay. And, my niece Leslie, who is my rock checked out area hospitals just in case I needed to get to an emergency room.
I managed to get home the next day and although I’m not quite 100% I will live. I learned something on this trip. Sometimes people do care more than I think. It felt nice to know that I had support and others were looking out for me. Since Lane died I have struggled with the feeling that nobody cares what happens to me. Maybe I was wrong.
Sue
Thanks so much for sharing. I to have loss the love of my life after 42 years of blissful happiness. I took care of him 24/7 for 10 years before he passed away. We had no children and no living family members so it was just he and I and a great life to behold.
ReplyDeleteMy time now is just ambeling through the day waiting for bedtime. Hospice keep tabs on me and I thank them totally for all they are. I am at present dealing with recovering from a total knee replacement and will have the other one done soon. I do thed grocery shopping and just try to see people at least once a week.
I have great friends and neighbors but they worry to much that I spend to much time alone. I think when I stay at home I am still close to my husband as I have his ashes here with me. The day of my first surgery my oldest dog passed away leaving behind her sister and I think so much for my having her here with me. I also have her ashes and made a place for her next to my husband ashes.This may sound strange but I do this for me and someday I will let them be with me once again.
The hardest thing about being alone is we were only apart when we were at work and now I am retired and no husband to enjoy it with.
I appreciate a place to air my feeling as this is a first.
I hope this is not boring whomever reads this but it was good to let this out.
I hope everyone deals with loss better than I.
And yes I have others that do care just not the one who means the most.
I recently lost the man of my dreams in a fatal car accident. We were together for nine years. I met him after a horrible divorce and I never thought I would find anyone who could make me as happy as Eddie and I were together. He was the most wonderful man that I had ever met. I could write here all day and still not do him justice. He was caring and kind and well-respected by everyone who knew him. He treated me like a princess and we had fun together. We did everything together. He retired two years ago and we had so many plans for the future. Now he's gone and I didn't even get to say good-bye.
DeleteMy heart is bleeding. I'm numb. I know that everyone says that it takes time to grieve and heal but every minute feels like an hour. Nothing interests me. I wish I could sleep to escape but sleep won't come.
My family has been wonderful. They are there for me. My Mom (age 82) is staying with me. My kids call every day, as do my sister and close friends. But they're not him. I know life will never be the same again but I don't know what to do until I figure out what it's supposed to be.
Hi Mary Ann,
DeleteMy name is Maria, I just lost my husband of 50 years of marriage. We lived in Michigan and came to California January for a surgery of the prostate when they discovered thru a chest xray that he had melanoma stage 4. He died March 25 after 4 months of suffering. I miss him terribly. I have being crying constantly ever since . I know that life will never be the same. I do have a hope that some day I will see him again because the bible teach us that when Jesus comes back he will wake up those that sleep in him. He was a man of God and now all I have to do is keep my faith so I will see him again. Don't give up. God promise eternal life if we believe in Him. There is a lot to live for! I would like to be your friend.
Sue I hope you are feeling better. I am glad that others came through for you. I have two very close friends that will always be there to help me. Everyone one else says let us know if you need anything .....like they really think I would call and ask? I am facing some major dental work. Spending the money for it scares me since I am on social security and it has only been 3 months so still figuring out a budget. Hard to make major decisions still so consumed by grief.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are back Sue and that you are on the mend. That was a nice unexpected experience of others showing that they care. Being ill and alone makes the misery more profound.
ReplyDeleteI've noticed those that are compassionate and kind to me most often are strangers or new friends rather than old trusted friends. I understand in a way, but it still stings and leaves me fearful of having to ask someone for help if illness strikes. However, it is just another adjustment we have to make on this journey. Asking for help is uncomfortable for me but it's necessary at times when you live alone with no local relatives. It means so much more when people see a need and just step in and do a good deed.
Wishing us all good health and a sense of well-being both physically and emotionally.
Shortly after my husband died in January, I was experiencing gut-wrenching sobs and near hysteria. I was alone, curled up in his recliner in acute grief, begging God to send somebody to comfort me. About two minutes later the phone rang and through my tears I saw on the caller ID that it was my husband's best friend. No one other than my husband could have been as comforting to talk to. We talked about an hour, he calmed me down and by the time we hung up, I was composed. Now, nearly four months after his death, the calls and visits have dwindled and I am pretty much on my own and I, too, sometimes wonder if anyone cares what happens to me. My need to maintain dignity prevents me from asking for help. It makes me feel like I am groveling. I get most of my support from other widows who know what it is like. I have been saddened that one of my dearest girlfriends has become distant. She willingly agrees to an outing if I initiate it but doesn't make any effort to call or visit me. Somehow I get the idea that it is because I am now single. Anyone else experiencing this?
ReplyDeleteI have been very fortunate. My neighbors have been helpful. My grown kids have checked in on me daily.Even my married friends make an effort to get together.None of them can fill the void and I don't expect them to. It's not even possible. My husband died in an accident nine months ago. No one who has not been through a loss of a spouse can relate. That is why this site is such a godsend.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great topic. Thanks Sue. I'm happy that you found support in a time of need -- one of my deepest fears as I live alone in a rural area with no close neighbors. I always wonder what I will do if I need help, and like others have expressed, it is hard for me to ask.
ReplyDeleteOn the plus side, I found unexpected and amazing help from my husband's friends after his death. Apparently, they recognized the fact that my husband was a pack rat, that our garage was a nightmare. These sweet men took it upon themselves to clean out the mess and put on an estate sale. I was overwhelmed by their generosity and good will. Also, my husband's best friend checks up on me every week, always making sure I'm okay and offers his help.
My sisters and friends are wonderful about checking in. These sisters gave me the funding so that I could have 24 hour care-givers during the last weeks of our ordeal, something I could never have afforded.
What I need to do is to learn to ask because there are good people out there more than willing to help.
I lost my husband, who was my best friend, my soul mate, and the love of my life. He died suddenly between open heart surgery and colon cancer surgery. He died March 7, 2012, not realizing he was so sick until I took him to the emergency room on February 3, 2012. He was a teacher and a coach. Hundreds mourned and still mourn his passing. We have a special needs son. He is so much stronger than I am. I had to get back to work or go crazy at home. We were together almost 24/7 for the past eight years, and we had been married for 38 years Biggest problem is that I devoted the last two decades to my career, and he devoted his to making me successfully. People keep asking, "How are you?" I can not afford to show weakness at work (school), so I do my crying most of the night. Problem
ReplyDeletewith that is our son catches me crying and asks if I am okay. My husband is buried about an hour away, so I can not "talk with him" often. Finances aren't a problem. My daughter and her family try to help. My sister in another state tries to give comfort. I am like the previous reader: I drift through conversations and decisions. Things are foggy, and things are NOT
getting better. From bringing me my first cup of coffee every morning, to making the bed, to cooking supper (when he didn't have practice), to grocery shopping, to a thousand other things, he was a loving, caring, person, who I desperately want to know that he knew just how much he was loved, and still is. Thanks for letting me share, for although I have some wonderful friends and colleagues, they are clueless. They do not realize the most minor of things in a conversation tears the insides out of me and floods my mind with memories. The school kids, especially those he taught, write me about my bravery and how my bravery helps them to be brave. It is tough, but I have to do what I have to do. I hope to be able to blog again in the future with some peace and coping. Remember the Serenity Prayer.
I, too have had the experience of losing a married friend. Right after my husband's death my friend's husband was one of my greatest supporters, helping, advising, etc. Soon it became obvious to me that she was being distant. I later realized by way of an email that she was angry at me about her husband's involvement. It was not direct, but I got the message and now keep my distance.
ReplyDeleteI think that perhaps we're a threat, like women who are divorced. Or, maybe we're a threat because the "worst" has happened to us.
i know just what you are saying .i lost my husband a few months ago.jan 30th he was 52.we were married almost 35yrs i have 2 wonderful married daughters .but our old friends never call.my life has changed so much .i never thought i would be like this
DeleteHad to have a tooth pulled unexpectedly yesterday. No time to plan for a friend to be with me. My dear friend came and sat with me for awhile and brought me a malt. Others that I just knew would check in didn't . Today is my grans field day and I have never missed! Guess I am just feeling sorry for myself and missing my husband . We took the best care of each other. So I have put on one of his favorite shirts, took 3 Advil , and have settled in to have a poor me day!
ReplyDeleteSue I have no idea what I would do without this site. Just knowing that people who have loss their love ones like me can really relate. I know that I have people that care my girls are the best daughters you could ask for they always call ,come over, check in every day. Some times it can become to much but I would never say anything to them I just smile and go on. I glad you have people to watch over you it is a very nice feeling to know that you have people who care.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband suddenly one week ago. He was only 51. I've been looking around the internet for support. Don't have any family nearby. I feel lost, broken and alone. I hope coming to this website will help me.
ReplyDeleteI do understand - we all do. Tomorrow will be one year for me. My husband was only 47. He was my one and only, and I was his as well. I was very numb for a long time. I guess I was in shock, somewhat. I have three wonderful daughters who were (and are) stronger than I ever imagined. Now is the time for you to surround yourself with family and friends. The tears will flow freely in private, but staying busy does help to give you a break from the overwhelming emotion. You will make it through this. Each minute is different, even now. One minute I feel hopeful and even content with my life. The next I am so scared that I don't want to do anything but hide away. It may sound strange if you're not an animal person, but my dogs have been my best companions this past year. They know when I am hurting. And they don't judge or try to offer advice. Just know you are not alone. We all understand. There is no magic to make it better. But you have friends here! Know that we all care.
DeleteI am so sorry for your loss. This sight is very helpful. It helps to know you're not alone and that there are people who can understand how you feel.Hang in there dear. It will not be easy but you'll get through it. I pray that God will give you the strength.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband and best friend to cancer 8 months ago. We had been married for 44 years. He was wonderful, smart, funny, and at the end, so very brave. The path to finding a new life and new me is sometimes so overwhelming. At age 64, how does one pick up the pieces? I don't have the answer to that yet and feel I need to be in the company of others who are on the same journey.
ReplyDeleteI just read through the recent posts. It helps to know that I am not the only one who finds this hard.
ReplyDeleteFirst I feel isolated and alone and then when someone offers help it makes me sad that I need the help.
Just wanting him back is so hard. I know it can't be but don't like what is.
Tonight I am having friends to dinner. I'm looking forward to it but it will be the first time I have entertained alone.
Thanks for this sits and knowing others hurt like I dol.
In order to be completely honest, it is at the risk of sounding bitter, and scynical. I am not but, after almost 7 yrs. as a widow; I've learned some hard truths.
ReplyDelete-Make sure I have thought well ahead in maintaining my health, house, and car needs.
-Be thankful for the random unexpected kindness of other's, but do not depend on this from them, or family members; it only causes needless pain and regrets.
-Do not rely on other's for on-going support, or help, it only fosters resentment, which carries over into trying to have a relationship with them. In order to remain in a good standing and be able to smile and truly love them; do not put expectations on them.
-I've taken the time to really know myself; what I can achieve, and believe in my ability to take care of myself.
-Keep my friendships and family relationships with an "open hand". Give them the freedom to be a part of my life; or leave it if they do not want to share themselves with me. I cannot force people to love me. It helps me keep peace in my own heart.
This may not work for everyone; but it works for me. It keeps me from allowing anger and resentment from vestering inside. Because believe me, over time this can happen with the thoughtless remarks and unkindness of people; even when many times they don't know what they are doing.
Well said! I apprecite your insight as I am heading toward 4 yrs since losing my husband to cancer at age 61. I have experienced several situations that you have given good advice on how to handle. The most profound is to not place high expectations on friends and others. The pain of disappointment is too stressful.
DeleteI do take better care of my health and have gained more confidence in handling business. After years of togetherness, making the smallest decision was so difficult for me early on. I am now self-sufficient and honor his influence.
Although, I miss my husband terribly, I want to be graciously optimisitc about life and not be viewed as the 'poor widow'.
Making new friends and grateful things are as well as they are.
I have alot of things comming up. Our anniversary next month, my daughters college graduation in 2 weeks. I'm giving her a party and I know it's gonna be hard. First big thing without him. One thing I'm not looking forward to is talking to his brothers. I just know that they will want to talk about him and how he would be so proud of us and all that stuff. I know all that and besides I'm not going to want to talk about that on that day. I'm going to miss him enough as it is. My sister and my family won't but I know my brothers in law will. They don't think. I don't know, maybe they think I feel better talking about him. Well I don't sometimes. It only hurts more. I don't want to get too much further into them. I could write a book. Believe me. But they mean well I guess. What do I say if they start talking about him? I know he was their brother, and they miss him, but I have to get through this and I want my daughter to be happy and have a good time. She does not need to be reminded that her father is not there. Any suggestions?
ReplyDeleteTHIS IS TO REBECCA, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE NEW TO THIS ALONE LIFE AND YOUR FEELINGS ARE RAW.
I, LOST MY HUSBAND OF 44YRS. TO CANCER ALSO. HE SMOKED CIGARETTES AND DIED AT AGE 66. HE HAD ONLY 4YRS. AFTER DIAGNOSIS.
I KNOW YOU FEEL LOST, HOPELESS AND WANT TO RUN AWAY, BUT THERE IS NO PLACE TO RUN TO AND ESCAPE WHAT YOU ARE HAVING TO LIVE.
I WISH I COULD EASE YOUR PAIN, BUT ALL I CAN SAY, BE KIND TO YOURSELF, TRY TO EAT RIGHT, GET YOUR REST.
TALK TO WHOEVER WILL LISTEN ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. IT WILL HELP, MORE THAN YOU KNOW.
THIS IS A CLUB NONE OF US WANTS TO BELONG TO AND WE ALL WISH WE COULD HAVE OUR OLD LIVES BACK.
MY HUSBAND DIED 3YRS. AGO THIS COMING SUMMER. WE LEARN TO ACCEPT AND EXIST, I CANNOT SAY WE LIVE REALLY. WE DO THE BEST WE CAN EACH DAY.
THE RAW PAIN WILL SUBSIDE WITH TIME.
CRY WHEN YOU WANT, SCREAM, POUND SOME PILLOWS. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET RELIEF FROM WHAT YOU ARE FEELING.
TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME AND KNOW THAT ALL OF US ARE PRAYING FOR YOU. WE HAVE ALL WALKED IN YOUR SHOES.
PICKING UP THE THREADS AND PIECES OF YOUR LIFE WILL NOT BE EASY. PART OF WHO WE WERE IS NOW GONE FOREVER.
WE MUST FIND WHO WE ARE WITHOUT OUR BELOVED.
GOD BLESS.
Test.
ReplyDeleteso true
ReplyDeletemy husband died 5mos. ago from lung cancer also,he was a smoker too. he was 65yrs.old, we were married 47yrs. when we were young many smoked. he did quit,but it was to late,the damage was done. he was going to have a lung transplant,but cancer was found.once cancer is found the transplant is off. he died 3mos. later. sometimes i feel now like i take one step forward and i think ok i'm going to be ok,then i go 10 steps backward. i had to leave church today,i started to cry. i went to his grave. i cried so hard for hours there. my head hurt and i ache all over. i miss him so much. it seems like all i do is talk about him and i don't mean to cause everyone pain. it seems everything reminds me of him or something he has said. i guess i have to try and not live in the past so much, but right now thats all i have. i'm lost and empty. please pray for me also when u pray for rebecca and everyone else. i don't no if i'm going to survive or stay sane. to the woman who answered rebecca everything u said is so true,but u don't realize this until u walk the walk. my heart is with all of u.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Anonymous (May 6 / 5:26 am) because I am desperate to get my act together. I just passed two years and for some reason, for me, that milestone gave me “permission” to devote my time, attention, and energy to MY life, but of course, I’m clueless (a) what that means exactly, and (b) how to implement it.
ReplyDeleteOver the last several weeks, I’ve been so thankful to the “veterans” who candidly share their journeys because I value truth above all else and for me, right now, there are two major truths: (1) My new life won’t/can’t be “better” than my old one, so that relieved a ton of pressure and (2) I’m only now beginning to realize how much of me died when he did, which means there is NO way I can live the same way I did before because both of us are gone. So, the only glimmer of hope I have going forward is to divert all the energy I’ve given to the destruction of death into rediscovering who I am and then liking and respecting her.
Sorry, I kinda wandered all of the place there, but the truths as stated in the earlier post are tremendously helpful and give me hope that I will succeed in my quest because I NEVER NEVER NEVER want to experience the heart wrenching bewildering moments of the past two years as I struggled with EVERYTHING completely alone because all “my people” were so totally missing. My first order of business is to quit whining that I have nobody because that is quite simply (now), one of the truths. The challenges (mild word, eh?) that will continue as long I breathe can now be met head on by me, and I will do the best I can, secure in the knowledge that my best will be good enough and that the hint of self-reliance that I’ve acquired recently will continue to grow, and even if doesn’t, at least I no longer feel like the biggest loser because I don’t have a support system – I was just looking outward instead of inward.
Finally, (whew!) just like the original poster, just this morning, I declared (a little dramatically), I’m THROUGH being angry and resentful at “them”. It’s obvious they’ve disappeared from my life, which is their right, but going forward, my plan is to focus all my attention and emotions on what is best for me. Could be construed as incredibly selfish but from where I’m sitting, it’s simply a matter of survival.
Thanks again soooooooooooooooooooo much to everyone and their incredible strength and wisdom.
That was a wonderful post! Thank you.
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