I was putting on my shoes this morning and a wave came over me. All of a sudden I was incredibly sad. A feeling of despair came so quickly and was so overwhelming it was practically unbearable.
I've had these waves of grief before of course. I usually don't know what triggers it or how long it is going to last. I do know that now that I have been a widow for sometime the frequency of the wave is less often. But the intensity is not. When that wave of grief hits it feels raw and fresh just like it did the first few months after Lane died.
This may sound weird but I didn't mind that wave this morning. Don't get me wrong. I don't need a sudden wave of sadness to remind me how much I miss Lane. That's a given. But sometimes I need to feel some gut wrenching emotion to remind me that I still have the ability to feel something.
Lane died on March 18th. Is there a way to prepare for a tsunami?
Sue
As I read this post, memories of when I worked in nursing came back to me. We had regular emergency, and disaster meetings where we would re-enact scenarios of storms, fires, etc.
ReplyDeleteOne of the most used warnings we shouted and urged our "victims" was "Get out of the affected area! Run to a safe place, get on higher ground!"
If only this could change the past, re-wind it and bring us safe into the lives we once had with or partners; but it doesn't.
But, perhaps a change of scenery would at least help during the worst of the days coming up for you Sue. My thoughts are with you.
I know what you mean. I have been in a wave of sadness since last week the 7th was the second year anniversary of Richie passing and tomorrow is his Birthday. I just can not get myself out of this funk that I am in. It feels almost as bad as when he die. But I think the worst thing of all is no one as said his name to me at all. It is like he never was here. I just can not stop thinking about him and how much I miss him. It not like I don't think about him anyway it is just that it is every minute of the day lately. Not sure that this has much to do with your topic but I just needed to vent. I have no one at home I can talk to. The girls say "oh Mom you need to try to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with your life we all miss him". I tried once to explain to them that it is not the same but they just don't want to hear it. They think I am just feeling sorry for my self and you know something I think today I am really feeling sorry for me. I just can not stop missing him and wanting to be with him again.
ReplyDeleteContinue reading this blog. Sue is great. We were and are where you are now. The pain never goes away you just get use to it. Keep reading You are not alone.
DeleteYesterday morning I woke up with a feeling of impending doom--like something horrible was going to happen. I didn't even think that it could be connected to grief. Perhaps it was the "wave" you wrote about here? I don't know how to prepare for a tsunami--just get on top of it and ride it out? It's Sunday--maybe you can do something different that day--be somewhere--out of reach of the flood? I don't know--too new to this whole process.
ReplyDeleteMy waves of sadness continue to derail me from time to time. I had one yesterday when I woke up to a dark rainy day not feeling well. At 64, I'm diabetic with a few complications from nerve damage, poor circulation, etc. It wasn't long before I was back in bed, crying, missing my husband's comforting presence, feeling sorry for myself . A phone call from a relative came at that moment which made me quickly wipe away the tears. Just what I needed to compose myself, get up, and get rid of that feeling of defeat.
ReplyDeleteDuring these 3 yrs of widowhood, I've tried to prepare for upcoming significant dates by planning something to relieve the anxiety. It has been hit-and-miss but I keep trying. In the meantime, I will permit myself to feel whatever I feel at those times and not berate myself afterwards. I now know, after the storm passes, I get a reprieve.
Rooting for you, Sue!
Joe died Feb. 8, 2012 so I all this is still raw. Last night I got hit by a wave. I sold his car and when I went to hand over the extra set of keys there was his lucky horseshoe and penny. Well it turns out it wasn't so lucky and the tears flowed again. I hate this feeling and I never know what will set off the flood.
ReplyDeleteI CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR WAVE OF SADNESS SUE, JUST WHEN WE THINK WE ARE O.K. AND AT LEAST AT PEACE WITH OUR NEW NORMAL HERE IT COMES.
ReplyDeleteI AM GOING ON 3YRS. AS A WIDOW IN JULY.
IT IS SPRING WHERE I AM AND THE NEW LEAVES ARE SPROUTING ON THE TREES. THAT MADE ME CRY AND I STARTED REMEMBERING PAST SPRINGS.
MY HUSBAND AND I USED TO GO TO A FAVORITE PLACE IN DALLAS TO WATCH THE DUCKS ON A POND.
AND, TO VIEW ALL THE BEAUTIFUL AZAELA'S IN BLOOM.
WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN OUR 47TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY WAS A FEW DAYS AGO.
I THOUGHT I WAS PAST CRYING AND FEELING REALLY LOW, AGAIN.
SOMEHOW, I THINK THIS YR. WAS WORSE ALL MY RUNNING AND GETTING MOVED ETC. IS OVER.
NOW, THE WHAT DO I DO NOW IS FULL TILT AND THEN WE REMEMBER THOSE DATES WE CANNOT FORGET.
I THINK IT IS BEST IF ONE CAN PLAN SOME DISTRACTION, TO RELIEVE THE ANXIETY.
IT IS O.K. TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF, NO ONE IS HERE TO SEE. WE CAN HOPE THE NEXT DAY WILL BE BETTER.
THIS MAY NOT SOUND HOPEFUL TO THE NEWLY WIDOWED. THAT WE WIDOWED LONGER CONTINUE HAVING THESE TIMES.
WHERE THEY ARE NOW, WE HAVE BEEN.
IN TIME, IT DOES GET SOMEWHAT BETTER, BUT WE WILL I THINK ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING THAT TRIGGERS US TO FEEL THESE WAVES OF SADNESS ANEW.
MY NEICE IS 5 YRS. INTO WIDOWHOOD AND SHE SAYS IT WILL GET BETTER EACH YR.WAVES OF SADNESS NOT SO CLOSE TOGETHER
I am new in this journey. It was just 4 months March 13th since my guy passed away suddenly in ICU due to complications of pneumonis. We were high school sweethearts and would have celebrated our 47th wedding anniversay May 1st. I am having a really hard time with accepting the places we will never visit again and things we will never do. My children and family have moved on with their lives, as well they should. But I continue to get lectures on where I should be in the process and I am not moving ahead fast enough. Social life had completely stopped with the couple friends. I guess because I am a reminder of what may be in store for each of them. I am the first in the circle of friends and family to become a widow; therefore, I am the 5th wheel. It has gotten very lonely. I am getting used to being alone, but I don't like doing things alone. I have not been alone since we married at 19 and 20 and I miss him so much. I feel lost - any advise?
DeleteI too will be a widow 3 years on July 4th. We were married on March 14th and renewed our vows here in our living room for our 39th anniversary 2009. His birthday was April 7th-today March 17th brings memories of an anniversary trip. We used to go take a lunch and go feed the ducks. I work all week and can usually push the Wave aside. No one wants to listen to me go on..Weekends are harder..Sunday's I used to fix a nice breakfast and we'd go for a ride..Sometimes at Church I almost lose it..and there are other widows who have lost, not once but twice. I don't think I can find another - I didn't fully appreciate what I had-his patience-Yesterday, I spoke with an 85 year old lady-her 65th anniversary is coming up-He has been gone for 35 years-she remember him in every room of her house which he remodeled-she says she still can see him hammering-sawing and (LOL) hear him cursing..I can't imagine..35 years
DeleteI have been riding waves for almost 40 years now. I lost my only child long ago and then recently, my husband. As with most who suffer a catastrophic loss, I find that my grief comes in waves usually brought on by a sight, sound, smell or fleeting memory, and most particularly, a significant date, like a birthday, anniversary. I don't expect that this will ever change. I will be riding waves for the rest of my days. Odd as this might sound, sometimes those waves can be cathartic, leaving me refreshed. I do believe that we were given tears and the ability to cry for a good reason.
ReplyDeleteDuring my husband's illness and death, the past pain of losing our child became intense and very present. I think this is a normal occurance and, as painful as it was, I accepted it as part of the process. I remember back to that time when giant waves swept over me threatening to pull me under, and how they became less powerful over time, more like a rippling tide, always present, but not as debilitating. This memory helps me to know that my current grief over the loss of my husband will probably follow the same pattern.
It's sad to say this, but I will never forget, never not be reminded of my losses, never be free of the pain. This I know from experience and from listening to the wisdom of others. All I can expect is to try to go forward, a day at a time, wounds and all.
Blessings to all of you.
I lost my husband of 39 years March 5th 2012 he was doing a delivery in Indiana and I had talked to him twice that morning and he seem to be fine said he would call when he got unloaded and heading to his next stop. I left to go get the mail I get a call that there was an emergency and when I called they said he was found on the ground beside his truck and think he had a heart attack. When I finally got someone at the hospital to tell me what was going on they said he had died. Being in another state and not able to get to him was devastating. It still seems like a bad dream and I keep hoping for the daily phone call or him walking through the front door. Cherish the time you have on earth because tomorrow may never come.
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you all my prayers go out to you and your family's
Sorry to hear you had a bad day Sue.
ReplyDeleteI am fairly new to riding the waves. My husband died on Nov 2/11. I tend to get overly cautious when I have a few good days in a row, because I know the tide will turn unexpectedly. Like today, all was going fine and I was actually getting things done,the sun was shining and then came a visit from the life insurance man(who I don't care for), and then a critical email sent me over the edge. I just wanted to scream...I'm doing the best I can...would you like to trade places?" I then I became completely unglued and ended up here because I know I won't be judged.
Throwing everyone who needs it a lifepreserver.
The wave - who knows where it comes from, triggers from everything a sweater, a building, a photo, a song - oh especially the songs. For me my love died 2 years 3 months and 8 days ago. I miss him so, so much. It's his birthday next Tuesday the 20th. He would be 54, except he is suspended at 51. He has already missed so much, so many memories that he is not part of. That's when the waves come, when I realize I am alone. filling time and space trying to make sure the waves don't swallow me yet. SG
ReplyDeleteHaving been widowed for merely ten weeks I have frequent waves of emotion. I never know ahead of time what will trigger it. Today it was simply seeing his truck. I was fine as I drove it to the store and after my shopping I went out into the parking lot and as I was walking toward it, I just started to cry and I cried the whole way home, driving through my tears. I just let 'er rip--great big gut-wrenching sobs. Crying is painful but I have discovered by now that crying also provides me with an anesthetic-like effect which helps for awhile. Until the next tsunami. Judy
ReplyDelete4 months tomorrow, my husband of 40 years left for physical therapy and never came home. He died 5 minutes from home of a massive heart attack and l keep waiting for him to come back home, although I know that it is not going to happen. Just started recently having trouble sleeping and the waves of grief sometimes overwhelm me for no apparent reason, and they can be triggered by anything from opening the refrigerator door to his clothes which are still in the closet. I tried to clean out his chest of drawers. I emptied one drawer and then put it all back. I have read that I will know when it is time. But I do manage to keep my head above water and can almost hear him say, "You can do this, you are a strong, intelligent woman and I have all the faith in the world in you and your abilities.". He was a great encourager and I miss him and his strength so very much. We shared household responsibilities and now it is all on my shoulders and I am tired, but will not give up. Thanks for listening and sharing your hearts and pain. May God bless!
ReplyDeleteI am approaching the one year mark (it will be April 13) and it has spawned a lot of thoughts and some waves. I think most people think it should be comforting because it puts more distance and time since my husband's death, and of course I have some friends and relatives who feel that once it is here I will be "cured" of my grief. I fear it because it takes me further from my sweetheart and what I consider my real life - a life that was full of good times and good emotions, hope and promise. That wave is what we have left sometimes.
ReplyDeleteIt will be my two year mark on March 24..and, yes it was a hard weight when I hit the one year..it felt that a baby and all of the firsts are OVER!! But, the pain doesn't go away..it does get easier as time goes on!! But, your life will never be the same!! I just try and be positive because it only hurts me and my children. Kelly O!!
DeleteThis comment is for Jody who wrote on March 14th at 4:19. I think your response to people who cause you distress is great. "...I am doing the best I can. Would you like to trade places?" I am going to remember that and use it when I feel like people are pressing me beyond my limit. It may make them defensive, but you know what? I bet they will think before they talk next time.
ReplyDeleteIt is very difficult to receive the comfort people want to offer. The reality is they are scared to death that widowhood could be contageous they do care they just don't know how to show it because they don't understand. If you are young it is worse because they suddenly look at you as a threat too. I like the response would you like to trade places but I think that is what they fear the most. Being where we are.
DeleteIt's been 10 years for me. I have met someone new and he is wonderful and he proposed last week. But we both struggle with if my husband (love of my life) hadn't died we wouldn't be here. Today we would have been married 34 years. I am supposed to be celebrating a new life and yet today I just morn the loss of my old one. And terrified of being there again but he makes me willing to try. Hugs to you all. I understand your pain.
It will be two years for me on March 24..I am 36 yeras old..2 small kids..I think the first year was the hardest..It was all of the FIRSTS! It did feel allot easier once the mark of the one year came..I do feel the pain but not as much. I try to just be positive..I know that at 36..I am not going to go out and start my life over..I was just getting started..but, I know that being surrounded by people and staying busy is the big key because when I am alone, I am soo sad! :) Good luck to you..and, I am soo sorry for your loss..Kelly
ReplyDeleteReading the comments is helpful. My husband of 47 year died in October. Early on the pain was intense, then it moved from pain to sadness and now loneliness.
ReplyDeleteDoing all the things you need to do to keep your life going feels so empty. People keep saying to me, "You have lots of good memories." I do but memories don't fill the void in my life.
I know I need to move on, know I can, but don't have much motivation at this point.
I feel your pain & profoundly missing my Hubby of 40yrs who also died in Oct 2yrs ago & 4months to be exact; & the subsequent intense grief, missing our so happy life. I agree w/ ya on Memories past does not make up the void in this so called new life of absolute emptiness that will go on regardless but I just dont have the same motivation & enthusiasm in life like I had all those yrs shared w/ my sweet beautiful spouse.
DeleteSo thankful for this Blog reinforcing me that am not alone in this journey & not going bonkers thinking its only me feeling this way. Such an Unfamiliar unpaved road of the future. Sorry to be such a Downer but it hasnt changed for me after a little more than 2yrs. Even w/ my job as Temp distraction..@ the end of the day am still grieving for what it was & what would have been. Just existing taking it One day @ a time.
Hi anonymous, sometimes it's helpful to have someone to be accountable to when we know it's time to move on. Do you have someone who you feel comfortable with to hold you accountable? Make a list of small steps that you can take. Every little step is a huge accomplishment!
ReplyDeleteYou'll be in my thoughts Sue. I know Lane is smiling down and he's very proud of you! I bet Lane is surrounded by "all" of our beautiful husbands too. The "wave" will always come in and out. Last week I sold my truck and took over Kent's truck. Hmmm... It hasn't been easy. I have flashbacks of him driving and places we've been to. The truck sat on the side of the house for a year; so far I've had to replace the radiator and water pump. I did change my insurance and added roadside assistance. LOL... I'm keeping both oars in the water and riding the waves... Trish
ReplyDeleteIt will be 3 years in October since the passing of my dear husband , sometimes I think the weeping , crying ,period is over there is no time limit set for grief ; I was with my husband for 57 years ; He was my soul mate , and I miss him so much, the grieving period is necessary if you donot go through that grieving period ,it will make you sick many times your family donot understand what it's like to lose a spouse' as time espires it will get better; those waves of crying and feeling so alone will dissipate; stop beating yourself up, it will get better .When i feel the tears coming ;I let them flow i feel better .then I go on my way and do what needs to be done, I also pray and ask the lord to help me this day ; it works;
ReplyDeleteThe waves, they almost knock you down when they hit. Putting groceries in the trunk of car one day it hit. Why I have no idea. These past few weeks I have been battling an ocean. I felt like I was once again in that terrible moment, the day he died. I cried til it hurt to breath. Why do the waves keep coming? I thought I was starting to come to grips with my life since John's death, but it felt like it had just happened. Reading all of your comments helps me realize that this journey will continue, but at least I am not alone and you know what that wave feels like. Sue you are in my thoughts and I thank you for your honesty and the gift of clarity you offer all of us. You are special. CC
ReplyDeleteWell said. I know exactly what you mean, You will spring forward on March 19
ReplyDeleteWhy are the weekends so hard? I miss him everyday but the weekends are almost unbearable. People say all the time that I am doing so good. Really????? Half of me is missing! "You have so many memories to make you happy" REALLY??? What about all the plans we had and the times we shared doing nothing but enjoying each other's company? Sorry if I am off topic but today i am overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteYes ;it is very hard trying to cope being without your mate; what has helped me so much , is Prayer and the word of God ,, when those waves of loniness and crying comes it lifts my spirit , as time passes it will get better , I am beginning to laugh again ; To my widow friends nothing can take away the memories of our love one; Love is stronger that death; I remember all the good times we shared together , the funny things said , the joy;those things will always be in our hearts; To all my widow friends we are going to weather the storm of widowhood;
ReplyDeleteI agree, Gale, the weekends are the hardest. Another time that I find very difficult is along about five or six p.m. each evening because that is the time he'd be home from work and ready to eat. I am actually thinking about working second shift just to avoid that lonely time. But then I'd be driving home from work around midnight and if something happened to me, there'd be no one at home to call or come looking for me. Judy
ReplyDeleteI hit a wave on Valentine's day and it seems I have been pulled into the undertow. It has been 8 months for me and suddenly, I cannot get back "up." I have no idea if this is normal or not. I thought I'd at least be coping better by now. I didn't even think Valentine's would derail me but it did. My daughter's birthday is coming up and I feel so sad planning it without my husband. Easter is soon too. All I can think is that he is not going to be here for those days either. I feel perpetually sad and stuck. I've also had an odd cough for over a month now and the dr has no clue why. Some days I get scared if I die, who will take my children? I am so tired and feel like I was treading water for so long and now I am just sinking. I have never felt so low before in my life and I have gone through hard things, but not this. Not losing my soulmate. It's excruciating. We are planning his headstone also, so I think that is not helping me to regain my footing. I just keep thinking that I want this to be over already, I want my husband back! Some days I am angry now and others I am crying like a baby. I know the only way forward is to just go through it, but it is the hardest and most heartbreaking thing I have ever done.
ReplyDeleteSue, I love your insights! It's been a year and a few months for this widow. The ring is moved to the right hand, and men are beginning to make overtures.
ReplyDeleteThat should be a nice thing,and it is, but it's brought on "the wave" for me! Suddenly I'm back to those months right after he died, bawling my eyes out. It doesn't feel unhealthy,just unexpected. I guess it just brought home (once again) the fact that he's really gone.
It's really quite the journey, isn't it? I guess that tsunami's going to hit whenever it wants!
My husbands ring is on my pinky and will stay there forever. It makes me hope that he is with me still. I find I rub it when I am feeling nervous. It has been just over three yrs and the void in my life will never be filled. I understand that and am at peace with it now. I go through life the best I can, waiting for the day that we can be together again. Still can't wrap my head around the fact that he is never coming home, never going to sit with me and just be. Grief has no timetable it just is what it is and it's not good at all. Can't run away from it, can only put it away for when I am alone. Then I feel him with me and cry for all that is lost, all that is unfair
ReplyDeleteHello Sue and other ladies, I feel the same way. Sometimes I feel like I may be having more good days then bad and suddenly it hits me again. I am coming up on one year, 5/11, and it still feels the same. With spring coming, I thought I would throw myself into some projects around the house. I dont know if this will work--it did not last year-- but I am going to try again. Recently I found some pictures my husband had taken of himself using his web cam. Here he is sitting in his chair smiling at the camera. Learning how to use the computer. I printed one out so I have a pretty recent photo. When I start feeling sad, I look at the photo with him smiling--it is like he is helping me along. I agree the weekends are the hardest. I can work Monday thru Friday and interact with people, but there is no one there on Saturday and Sunday. I keep telling myself to get out and do something, but some days I dont really want to. Friends tell me it will get better, but there is no time frame for grief.
ReplyDeleteIt has been almost four years for me. The waves come less frequent but carry the same intensity. My family and friends just don't get it and think I should be "ok". When I say I am not, they tend to feel uncomfortable with it. The tsunami's will be with me forever and is a way for me never to forget the loving husband that I had.
ReplyDeleteThe wave comes less frequent as time passes, but it does come and sometimes at the most unpredictable times! I'm widowed 21 yrs and there are few downs and many ups now. It is a tumultuous journey. This is a wonderful place to share the highs and lows of widowhood. I too have a mission and that is providing support to widowed women and have begun a free phone in Q&A for widowed women. We're meeting tonight 6:30pm-7:30pm Eastern time to support each other in yet another safe and welcoming environment. I would love to have you on the call to listen or join in. You can call 1-218-862-6789 and enter the conference code 443568. We need our voices to be heard!
ReplyDeleteAudrey
I read your words and each one of you sound like me at some point in this horrible path that I have been on since 9/25/2011. My 46 yr. old husband died in our front lawn of Sudden Cardiac Death (or so they call it). He was my world of 16 yrs. and he is with me every minute of every day. The waves ? Oh my they do come out of the blue, no warning, nothing to pinpoint what will trigger them as so many of you have said. I know not everyone is me but I am big on FB with my friends and I have chosen to honor my husband and our love that we shared for 1 yr. on FB. I post his pictures, I tell our stories, and I write a post to him everyday just as if they had FB in heaven. Just as if...he could hear me. Some days are ok, some days are very very dark and I can't seem to breath. I have two teens and an elderly mother to care for so I must go on but I am sad and lonely and miss him even in a house full of people. I want my best friend back and know I can't have him. I get sad thinking of "what if" I meet someone else someday...where do I put "our love" and "our memories" and "our time", it was too special to just be my "past". I am sorry for the loss each of you have suffered as I know this pain so very well. I am young and strong, but I can't see past next week just yet. They say God had a reason...I only pray I know what that reason is when I get there. Bless each of you.
ReplyDeleteMarch 30 , 2012
ReplyDeleteI am 2 years and 2 months out in widowhood . I still miss my husband soooooo ! much, I was a young when he passed away very suddenly . I had a chance to talk to him he told me he loved me and what he wanted me to do after he was gone I was in denial , I was planning on growing old with my husband we hand a 4 year old daughter at the time .I just couldn't imagine me raising her all alone ,this wasn't my plans but it was Gods plans I know he's in heaven with God one-day we will see him again .
My birthday is approaching and he never missed one; this will be the first solo. I started writing Death by a thousand cuts...every little thing that has triggered sadness in me from his death. I'm up to 100 already. But writing it down got it out and it's not as bad for some of the triggers now when they happen.
ReplyDeleteAlso, today when I went to the grocery store and thought about food shopping for him vs me I got really sad and cried in the car on the way home. I tried to flip it around to cope, thinking the depth of my sadness is equivalent to the depth of the love we shared. We had 25 years of wonderful love. I try to have gratitude for that.
We were married for 32 years. He left me almost 6 months ago. He went into the hospital on my birthday. They found he had pancreatitus. He was in the hospital until October. Most of the time in the ICU. As time went on and he was not getting any better, all I wanted to do was to hold him. He developed an infection and so we had to wear gowns and gloves when we visited him. Plus with all the wires and tubes all I could do was touch his hand or arm through the gloves. You find it's the little things you miss that you can't do. When he passed,our children were there with me. We have 4. Our youngest is 17. It was the day before his 58th birthday. I'm glad I found this sight. Because like everyone here has said, no one knows what it's like but those who have gone through it. It has helped me reading your stories and I will be comming back alot. Thank you so much. Sue M.
DeleteI've enjoyed ready your posts. It's the same feelings that I have and it is comforting to know someone else feels the same way. Since there is no preparation for being a widow (hate that word too)...I wonder if I'm just going crazy sometimes. Thank you so much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteMy husband of almost 14 years died 8 days ago. We worked in on his truck and in the garden all day, went out for dinner then when we had been home for a few min. he just died. He had no pain, no sign of distress. He never even took his hand off the tv remote. I desperately tried to save him but he was gone in the blink of an eye.
ReplyDeleteWe have a ten and a twelve year old daughter, and he was a school bus driver. So I deal with lots of kids who don't understand but loved their "Mr Bus Driver Tony".
I haven't slept, I don't really eat. Would it be acceptable to ask my doctor for some anxiety medicine? I feel in the verge of panic all the time it seems and I don't know what to do.
Please, respond if you can? Dayna.black70@gmail.com
I am so sorry for your sudden loss. It must be so tramatic for you. Certainly your doctor can prescribe something for you. It is acceptable. When my husband and I were told he had one month to live after a six-month battle with cancer treatments, I thought I would lose my mind. My doctor gave me a very effective medication for a short time. It help me be there for my husband without falling apart those last days. I stopped taking the pills a month later and so far I'm doing fairly well.
DeleteWe all need help coping at times. Talk with doctor for advice.
Dear dblack,
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry for your loss. There are no words at this time but only to say, I understand. I would encourage you to seek out a support group in your area where you can verbally express your feelings, be heard and understood by others who have had the painful experience of loss. Many local hospitals have support groups in place for bereavement and grief.