I am not adverse to change. Change can be exciting. Change can also take you out of your comfort zone and shake you up.
I have made quite a few changes in the house since Lane died. Had a bathroom remodeled. Replaced a bannister. New furniture for the living room. Now I have decided to have our, I mean my bedroom updated. That means new furniture, floor refinished, paint and some work in the master bath. It's time. Everything looks dated and ready for change.
But am I ready for this change? I feel so comfortable in there. It is my refuge. Besides, Lane loved that room. It is decorated in "our style." It was our safe haven from the outside world. He even died in there. And now I am going to completely change it.
It seems like I am being disloyal or disrespectful. Am I just tired of the sage green walls or the scratches in the wood floor? Or is my motivation for this change a subtle (or maybe passive aggressive) acknowledgment that in order for me to move forward changes within my comfort zone need to happen.
Logically I know that a new coat of paint or getting rid of an old bedroom set will not change a thing. Lane won't be here to share the new room with. I will still be sleeping alone. But maybe, just maybe, it is the small changes that push us forward.
What small changes have you made that have compromised your comfort zone?
Sue
We had just redone our bedroom. New paint, new floor, new bed. No changes yet for me. I am trying to keep up with all there is to do. Clean the flower beds, laundry, house cleaning and trying to keep the pool spotless. We shared all chores except the pool and I guess that is why I focus so much on it. Joe would keep it pristine even when he was so sick. It was important to him, then it is my "pet" project. Maybe someday I will be in a place to accept change. Right now my life has changed enough!
ReplyDeleteTook me two years to finally change the bedding pattern. It was so Steve and not at all me. I needed a sanctuary where I _could_ sleep, and for two years I was going to bed with him every night and doing a lousy job of it. The hardest part was figuring out _my_ taste without thinking, "he's going to hate it; it has flowers."
ReplyDeleteFYI, it helped. I could still do a better job at sleeping, but it is infinitely easier to get into the bed alone.
Its been more than 3 years and I have been good about having repairs made around the house. No major changes except selling his car and buying mtself a new one. Now I am putting the house that we built and lived in for 20 years with our 5 kids on the market. The baby is leaving for college in the fall and I feel its time to do this. Its too big and too expensive. Will it sell? Will it sell for enough so that I can buy something smaller? Should I stay in the area or is this the time to move closer to the kids. Rent or buy? Yes its time to move on and make changes. I feel like I will never be who I was. Still not sure I know the new me. The house is a safe haven but without him it feels like nothing more than empty rooms. Everything changed the day he died and I am still changing. Wanting to redo a room is safe and shows that you are moving on. Dont be afraid of this change. I think its healthy.
ReplyDeleteI haven't made many changes as it has not been that long since my husband died. I think the hardest part about it will be making the decision to make the change. There will be no one to bounce ideas off of. No one to disagree or say that they like something. Marriage is about compromise and now we don't have to. There is a power in that, but at the same time a sadness because it is not by choice.
ReplyDeleteI think it's also hard because of the finality the change brings. Much like donating their clothes. Once you do it, there is no going back. I feel terrible when I give something away that was his, but in my heart know that I can't hang onto everything forever. Part of the process, I guess.
I just found this site and have been reading for a long time today. Sounds like I could have written many of the replies to you and others. I am 8 months a widow after 50 years with my love...not an easy journey to walk - I hate it! I've got plenty of support from 6 siblings, 2 sons and 7 grandchildren but when they keep me very busy I want to be home and when I'm home all I do is cry. So don't know what the answer is??? At least reading the blogs I know I'm not crazy when I'm thinking maybe I am...like unable to make a decision on anything - big or small. I'm a very independent, educated woman but feel totally helpless right now. Hope you all keep blogging. Thx.
ReplyDeleteSue, This room being your refuge may cause a little anxiety because you're taking out the "our" and making it "yours". But I feel a fresh change will add to your current accomplishments. Of course, Lane will still be there in your heart and mind regardless. But from experience, the change will highlight your individuality.
ReplyDeleteOur house was flooded during Hurricane Katrina and we lost everything. We lived in a FEMA cottage two years until repairs were done. Midway the repairs, Junius became ill and died before it was complete. It was so hard to move back in six months later without him! Even though he had a chance to have some imput, the remaining choices of furnishings were all related to my style preferences. I still, sometimes, walk around looking at the kitchen cabinets, ceiling fans, flooring, paint that he helped choose hating he didn't get to enjoy the end result. However, as hard as it was, I had a new scenario when I moved back in that dulled some anxiety of the 'way it used to be'.
Wishing you success with your new project which may motivate me to tackle some other things I've been putting off.
i haven't changed anything yet,only 4 mos. in. i think its healthy,maybe it will help you to take another small step forward. this isn't what we wanted,we didn't have a choice in this.i really don't no,but staying in the past can't help, it's not going to change anything-----they are not coming back. i just want this empty, hollow, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach to go away someday. i miss him so!
ReplyDeleteI, too, struggle with feelings of disloyalty even though common sense tells me that he isn't coming back. And I also miss having someone to bounce ideas off of. We balanced each other out very well and I feel rudderless now. I have so many decisions to make (it is only 12 weeks since he died) and sometimes I feel like I could just lay down and die. I am so tired of making decisions and trying to decide if they are in my best interest. I would love to have someone take care of me--with no strings attached--just until I can get on my feet emotionally. The biggest change I have had to make so far is not a material change but more of a social change as I adjust my thinking to the fact that I am now a fifth wheel and have already discovered that relationships have changed. Oh--and one other thing that I despise: knowing that people talk about me and compare notes on how they think I am doing and coping. It makes me feel patronized.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had that much experience at being a widow (7 months), but it sounds like you are moving forward, Sue, and this seems like a healthy thing to do.
ReplyDeleteOn the practical side, I think it's important to keep our homes updated for future marketing or just preservation. That's what I've been doing -- taking care of deferred maintenance: a new deck, paint, landscaping, all of which I think my husband would approve of since he was a perfectionist about how the property was kept.
I also think it's healthy for us to create our own individule space when the time is right. After all, it's about us now.
I think it is healthy and shows that you are fully aware of what has happened and now it is time to move forward.
ReplyDeleteThe last 13 months has had my head spinning since I became a widow. The changes that were out of my control, seems to be falling in to place (time is helping), while my determination, keeps me resilant. As for changes in the home... Ha! I have been a maniac. I don't know if it's nervous energy or I'm crazy. I know I had to make changes if I was going to live in our home. I would get so sad. It's not that I was getting rid of him, it's just that I had to make things different for me.
ReplyDeleteNo more white house on the hill, I had the whole house repainted. I ripped out the kitchen floor and put down tile. I just ripped out the carpet in 2 rooms, intall should be next week. I've painted the inside of house too. I have done alot of the labor myself to save money and it keeps me very busy. I go to bed sometimes sooooooo tired and wore out, but I love the changes. At first when I started painting I thought I was erasing his finger prints, but I knew Kent liked when I got into painting mode. Lot's of changes... I'm going to hold off and do my bedroom in the fall. I need to slow down a bit, sometimes I feel overwhelmed with all the projects I take on. People are always telling me to slow down or saying, "what are you doing now." My son said, "how do you know what you are doing?" I said, " I don't, I'm just doing it." Change has helped me in my healing process and I know my husband is overlooking my work with a smile... Keep pushing forward Sue and everyone eles... Trish
You sound like me. My husband died two years and 4 months ago, we had a big 4-bedroom house and a pool in the suburbs. Our daughters are out of the house so way too big for one. Within four months I had renovated the old and sold, renovated the new, bought all new furniture and moved. Wile I got new bedroom furniture I painted the walls the same and have the same linens old and comfortable but also new, me. Moving was the best thing I ever did. Our home of 21 years was either the loud crazy family home full of wonderful memories of a family four, or the shock and numbness of “death week”. Nothing in between.. So moving for me was right. What the last 2 years have been for me - filling time and space and running from reality. I have run so much I am exhausted and broken. I open up to no one. I have been diagnosed with delayed complicated grief. I am starting now to deal with my loss. It is not easy, but necessary. Running and keeping so busy makes sense at the time but... I realize now it did more harm than good. I miss him more than life. This is so hard. SG
DeleteSue, Changes to this room may cause some anxiety since it has been your refuge. But the rewards of changing it from 'ours to 'mine' will add to your list of accomplishments. Although Lane's memory is intertwined in your heart and mind forever, this change may be a gift of love to yourself. I have experienced unexpected solace from fresh perspectives.
ReplyDeleteWhen Hurricane Katrina flooded our home, we lived in a FEMA cottage for 2 yrs until repairs were started. Even though my husband had input he got sick and died before the rapairs were complete. It was so hard to move back in 6 months later without him! I sometimes walk around now looking at the kitchen cabinets, flooring, ceiling fans, etc., hating that he is missing the finished project. However, the furnishings and other details centered around my style preferences which eased my anxieties somewhat. Change creates a fresh outlook for all of us in our own timing.
Wish you success on your new project. Maybe this exchange will motivate me to tackle my current 'to do list'.
Hi just found this site. I have been widowed for 2yrs8months. Thought I was going crazy at times but finally I sleep better and a bit of my old self is emerging. I have been so overwhelmed with just making it through the days. My husband had leukemia for 11 years so it was always in the back of my mind that it could go acute which it did. I am a "young 55" and do want to have another special man in my life but it is so hard because you have to go through a lot of adjustments and realize it just isnt going to feel like before... Dee
ReplyDeleteChange, it will happen. We can remain "stuck" in a time warp, or choose to move on and "go with the flow", as my mother used to say before she passed away.
ReplyDeleteI took a trip back to the home of my childhood last summer, it was a wake-up event for me.
I finally found the house my sisters and brothers grew up in, but everything else around it was different. Nothing was recognizable, even the roads had been changed to accommodate the greater volume of people and houses. The little farm-house we grew up in was surrounded by housing complexes, with grand expensive houses that made our home look small, and run down. A wave of sadness went thru me, and pierced my heart. All that was left of the life we had there, of laughter, tears, weddings, funerals, celebrations, was in my mind; as memories.
I cherish each memory of the life my husband and I had together; it's all that is left. It will have to carry me thru to the end of my journey.
Go with the flow Sue, make the changes. I'm sure your husband would be proud of you.
Wow, Sue - you are fearless. I am only 4 months into this jouney and I have no desire to do anything. I am hoping time will change that. Although, I was fearless before he suddenly passed away due to complications of pneumonia. So, I have been told that anxiety plays a big part in the early stages of grief. What you are doing is amazing and you ladies all give me hope with what you have accomplished alone. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI'm still on the fence about my house. I really have no use for a 3 bedroom house. My son & his girlfriend work all the time & they really have no time for it. Of course if they marry & have a child or two they will be glad to have it. Also the market is still bad. I told myself that I will not make any drastic decision until I've had a chance to think it through.
ReplyDeleteLost my hubby of 46 years in May 2011. Hasn't been quite a year yet. I still miss him so much. I don't think the pain will ever go away. I try to be gone most of the time. If I stay home very long, I just sit and cry. I did date a guy, thinking that would make things better, but actually made things worse. He just didn't have the qualities of my husband. Guess I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe things will eventually get better.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to a party tonight and they're having 2 strippers. I'm too excited. Ohhhh, how I need 2 strippers! I'm bring 100 singles, that should keep me busy for a while. :) I'm tired of doing "mans" work. Time for the man to work for me. LOL... Have a good weekend... Trish
ReplyDeleteI have been widowed for 20 months. I would love to downsize and move into something smaller but I still have a high schooler at home and to move would require a change of schools and I just do not think that is fair to him right now. However, I have begun to develop my 3 year plan to sell this beast when he goes off to college. Just thinking through all I have to update and redo to get the house on the market is a but overwhelming and certainly not something I ever envisioned doing alone. But all I can do is baby steps that will hopefully get to the ultimate result, which is getting rid of the maintenance headaches and repairs. But then there is always the question of where to move, which has its own stress associated with that decision. I am just trying to take it one day at a time and make some small changes before I tackle the big ones. I absolutely hate not having a partner to talk about this and make decisions together. It stinks doing this alone.
ReplyDeleteJust finished painting the kitchen and got so excited, I dug out the table saw and found enough barn board trim to finish that too. The impetus was seeing it half finished every day...my husband was the painter and did what he could before he died. He had range of motion issues so the paint always stopped in places. I didn't want to look it any more so I finished it. I did feel better after it was done. I talked to him the whole time I was doing it. Felt like closure. Bedroom was in process of being prepared for paint by me when he died (in that room). I am going there next as we had already picked out the paint. I think getting it done will help.
ReplyDeleteI am widowed almost a year. I had the double grief of losing my son in a car wreck just 4 months before losing my husband of 40 years.Good Luck and Blessings to each of you who were able to stay in your home. I have a question for everyone. Has anyone else had their doctor or friends suggest you use an anti-depressant or and anti-anxiety medication for "just a little while"? If you did, did it really help?
ReplyDeleteMy doctor prescribed Xanax and I used it for the week of the funeral. After that I decided I did not like the dulled senses. I had to return to work and needed to be sharp. Hugs to you. Stay strong.
DeleteI broke down and asked for something because the anxiety was causing palapatations that kept me awake at night and I really needed some sleep. My Dr. prescribed Ativan. I have only taken a few, when things were really bad as they are addictive and cause drowsiness, so once you take it you shouldn't drive anywhere. It really helped to settle me down and now I am on a much better sleep schedule.
DeleteIt will be 6 months for me on the 14th of this month. During the funeral time I did take an anti anxiety medication. It helped me do the things I had to do. I don't take it much anymore though. I try to get along without it. If you feel you need it, try it. Like I said it helped me.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for answering my question about the anti-anxiety medication. Your answers really did help. Take good care of yourselves.
ReplyDeleteMy husband had been gone almost three years when I came across a picture in a mag of a beautiful bedroom. It struck me as happy, light and cheerful. I wanted that, NEEDED THAT. My husband liked that rustic bedroom of ours. My home is in the mountains its very cabin like. Totally masculine. Well I looked both ways and made the leap. I remodeled the bedroom and master bath. I created my own designs,had walls and wood paneling torn down, tore out a shower,sinks,cabinets and closets, Worked with the contractor about things only my husband use to know. Woman vs burly contractors! All on a very strict budget. The hardest part I must warn you is going to the home improvement stores alone. Everyone woman there I swear has a husband with them. It's hard having to make those choices alone. When you do though and it works what a good feeling that is, your so proud of yourself. I too was worried at the beginning if I could handle the change. At the start it was touch and go. Now that it is done I love it,it's so me. Wow there is a me! It's cheerful and such a wonderful retreat at the end of each day, bringing me such peace. I really don't feel that I lost a bit of my husband changing it, because he would of loved it. I would like to see his face if he could see what I've accomplished. To tell you the truth I feel he has seen it and is happy to see me trying to grow. Probably had a good laugh watching me struggle with the contractors and win. I found that no matter what I do or change those things are only material. My husbands memory seems to stay just as safe and secure in my heart and mind as he always has. I found changes ready big or small only make you more confident, giving you hope to realize you have some control over your own happiness. It's not a cure but a small step forward. I've learned things are temporary in life even my home may not be my last stop. I need to learn to work with change. If I could live through my husbands passing then I'm tough enough to take on a few small everyday changes. If I could afford it I'd move on to the other rooms...maybe just paint?
ReplyDeleteI read an article recently in Oprah's magazine that said you should not feel the need to explain to anyone changes you are making in your life. The article suggested having a planned response helps get past awkward comments. The response I liked was- "I am doing this because it makes me happy". I have found this phrase helpful in internal conversations with myself. My husband died last May, we were married 21 years. I am making changes to the house to make it more mine instead of ours. It seems to make coming home to an empty house a little easier because I can admire the changes I have made. On New Years Eve, I did not want to be around anyone so my cats and I painted one wall in my bedroom a deep teal color like Carribean water. Now the bedroom seems a little more my own. Sue thank you so much for this blog. I read it and get comfort from the fact that I am not the only one with the same emotions and thoughts.
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