I enrolled in an acting class in college. After a couple of classes my instructor advised me to drop out. Mr. Oberstein said and I quote "You enjoy being yourself too much. A good actress is unrecognizable. The audience should never know who she really is or how she feels." Needless to say it was a long semester.
If Mr. Oberstein could see me now he would think I was a pretty good actress after all. A big part of being a widow is pretending to be something you are not.
- We act like we are happy when we feel nothing but pain and sadness.
- We pretend that being ignored by family and friends is acceptable.
- We appear to be confident and self assured even when afraid and vulnerable.
- We come across as "over it" because others want us to feel that way.
- We acknowledge that life goes on but silently wonder where we now belong.
- We smile when our hearts are breaking and no one has a clue.
Mr. Oberstein, I finally learned everything you wanted me to. I just learned it the hard way.
How good of an actress are you?
Sue
Oh, I could win an "OSCAR" for best actress! LOL... But, what choice do we have. I've got to snap out of this deppresion and sadness some how. Got to keep moving forward. I thought it would be easier once I got to the first 1 year mark, but I just find myself missing his love and company more and more. I'm so close with friends and family that they understand. They too, are still sad he's gone and not with me. I could have never imagined how hard it is to lose a spouse and carry on. Where my husband is buried I've gotten to know people who have lost their kids and they have it very rough. too. Smiling with a broken heart is a whole new challenge, but we all do it. I'm not sure whats in the stars for my future, but I'll take it one day at a time. Great blog Sue... Trish...
ReplyDeleteSometimes I am a great actress too with a happy face and saying the script I think everyone wants to hear. "I am okay" because I only have a few close friends that can stand to hear the truth. I am hurt. I am sad. I got a raw deal and though I wouldn't want anyone to suffer like this, I wonder why me Lord? It will be a month since I lost my love on Thursday. I want to spend the day at home alone and have a pity party but I won't. My youngest grandson has invited me on his kindergarten field trip. He paid for my ticket out of his piggy bank. So on Thursday I will put on a smile and act the part because I love him too much to say no.
ReplyDeleteOh! My, what actors we all have to become. No matter where we go we are asked "How are you today"? We put on a smile and say "Okay". What a lie. I am so tired of having to put on a pretty face, because no one wants to deal with my sad face. Isn't it too bad that people just don't understand that it will take a long time to feel better. It is not an instant thing. You can't just say get over it and the person will. I am just 17 months out today and I am just as sad as I was when my husband passed. I feel so cheated. We had been married 47 years and just about to retire. He was cheated the worse, because he had planned for so long his retirement. It never happened for him. His whole retirement was spent on his disease. I have spent most of today in tears. I can't seem to feel any better and I don't want to go on drugs to make me feel better. So I guess I will just have to keep going as I have and hopefully one day I will see a happy place again.
ReplyDeleteNine months have gone by since my husband died. I feel sad and heartbroken, but I too usually have this plastered smile so that others can feel comfortable around me. I was also married for 48 years, imagine such a long time, and now my house is empty. I have children, grandchildren, family and friends but no one can take his place. He was my number one and I was his number one. We took care of each other, we looked out for one another. I am no longer anyone's number one. So many hours spent alone waiting for time to go by. Lonely and missing my husband, missing my life as I knew it, missing the future that we were creating for ourselves. I am reinventing myself, have gone back to work a couple of days a week, volunteer on some committee's, babysit my grandchildren, run errands for my parents, visit friends, go see a movie occasionally and generally trying to get on with my life. At least on the outside I appear to be getting better and that I have moved on. However, I know the truth and it is still seems impossible to imagine my life without his gentle spirit, his kind smile, his love, and how I miss his touch. Life goes on and somehow I feel that I have been forever changed. Still working on healing all the time.
DeleteI've never been a good actress; but it is clear that I will have to learn to in order to appease most people in my life; including family.
ReplyDeleteBut as I look around me, aren't most people "actors"?
They tell each other things with their own slant to it, put on their happy faces, to impress or cover up their own sufferings.
The world is a stage, and we have to change roles, but keep on smiling.
I don't act anymore (14 months experience being a widow) we were married 27 years. My husband was 52 when he died-December 2010. I can talk about it all with family and friends now, without breaking down. I feel like this lets out the pain and helps me to let off some of the pressure. It is so very hard to breathe and relax with all the stress of losing your spouse. I know that my family realizes that I am still in alot of pain and have sadness, so if I cry when talking about him, it is natural. Maybe someday I will be able to talk with others about my loss without crying. Right now I am not acting for anyone's benefit. I think it is the best way to start to heal for me. Love to read everyone's thoughts and feelings on this turbulent journey. I am looking forward to more happy days, & less sad ones. Feel what you feel, when you are feeling it! Find peace. Hugs to all.
ReplyDeleteI have always been friendly and upbeat with a smile for everyone. So now most people assume I am doing so well and don't recognize what a struggle it is to adjust to this lifestyle change. Even though I act confident when facing everyday situations, the sadness is just below the surface. It never goes away. However, I am grateful for what is still good in my life.
ReplyDeleteThrough trial and error, I have developed some coping skills to deal with all the exhausting emotions. One of which, is logging on to this site weekly to have someone to 'talk' to who truly understands. This gives my family and friends a break. It also gives me an opportunity to express how I really feel instead of pretending. The new perspectives I gain reading the various comments from all of you is invaluable.
Thanks Sue for providing this resource of support!
Hi Katie! Nice post! 18 months into my new role as "widow," I agree that the sadness does lie right below the surface.
DeleteI've always been a strong, independent woman and that's how everyone sees me -- or how they want to see me. Guess they need that from me, so I oblige...
My greatest coping skill is Gratitude. As someone said in another post, I try to stay Grateful every day. Some days are easier than others. Mostly I'm Grateful I was blessed with the chance to experience "true love." So many never get that chance. Now if I could just stop thinking that it wouldn't hurt so much if I'd loved him less...
I'm glad I found this blog-site.
Thank you, Sue!
Blessings to all :-)
The above comment is the way it "should" be. Able to express our feelings, unfortunately, most people can't deal with our real feelings. Everyone thinks I am such a strong person--if they only knew. Some days I feel like I'm losing my mind--I am so distracted--no really clear head or thoughts. Now, I am facing a surgery that should have been done last fall, but he was so sick I couldn't take the chance on being away in the hospital while he was here alone. Now--it is even more difficult to even comprehend how I am going to get through recovery. He was my care giver. He took care of me. Who is going to feed the cats while I am gone? Who is going to help me get out of my chair and up to my walker? Who is going to help me into bed at night. I rarely cry--seems I am a good actress even to myself. Maybe while I am in the hospital, I can cry and "they" will think it is from the post-surgical pain? Well--it's from pain for sure. 10 weeks out and sometimes, I still think he is coming back any day now. His shoes still sit by the front door--waiting. I HATE THIS!!!
ReplyDeleteMy MFA is in directing. So I don't have to act; i just subtly manipulate people into not paying attention to the woman behind the curtain. I know more tricks that anyone should know, and oddly, they have served me well in my widowhood.
ReplyDeletethis is the kickoff for Jewish silly season, the hardest time of year for me. I have mastered the craft of invisibility. it just hurts less....even as we approach three years.
it is what it is.
Note to Judemiller 1 -- The book, The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion might give you some comfort. I think you'll find solace in reading about her journey after the loss of her husband. I did. Some of your comments mirror her experience.
ReplyDeleteI, too have put off procedures, dental work, etc. for lack of a care-giver. My husband and I had each others backs and now I'm totally alone and fearful about health issues -- who will be there for me now? I know that I need to find back-up, people to help me in case. But, I hate to ask for help. I need to get past this as I'm certain there are friends and family members who would be more than willing to help. Maybe this is where my "acting" gets in the way. Maybe I want to be perceived as capable, strong, self-reliant. Hum?
Another very relevant topic. Thank you all.
With some I am a polite actress, Miss Manners trying to produce a smile because that is what is really asked of me. I might as well be talking about the weather than how I feel about missing my husband to these people. They don't really want to know when they ask how I am.
ReplyDeleteWith others, I feel I act out of fear that I may be seen as vulnerable, falling apart, too much of a mess to deal with my life or my children's. I am worried I will be treated with less understanding, without dignity, or compassion. I worry that they will think they know what is best for me or my kids, how I should grieve and for how long, and I worry that they will decide that I cannot make good decisions for myself so they will take over and do it for me. So to these others, I put on an even better act because they really don't want to understand either. They cannot deal with death or emotional discomfort in their neat, tidy lives and are willing to stomp it out of mine so we can all go back to living like before- at least the way it was before for them. I'm sure they want the polite, plastered smile even if they know its fake so we can all go back to our tidy lives again. It's a wonder widows don't just up and scream out loud from this insanity and those who want us to stuff it all down. I applaud those who show their true selves. I have put a toe in the water there and found it is a dog eat dog world and I seem to be the one who is going to lose. I am very vulnerable and always have been quiet and shy. I am finding that I have some very uncaring souls in my life and I am doing my best to distance myself from them. I have read that once you become a widow, either people drop you or you drop them and I see why that is.
When I find the ones who will truly care and want to know the real me, not the actress me, I will count them as true friends. Until then, I guess I will be acting, mostly because I love myself enough not to let myself be hurt or downtrodden by those who really don't care about me. I would like to think that it is their loss. Of all the people in those others lives, they could count me as a friend who truly empathizes with not only their success and joys in life, but would be there as a true friend in their sadness, failures, sickness, death, in anything. Being a widow tears open your heart. This open heart is also what might make us the very best, caring friend one could have. Yes, it is definitely their loss if they only want to know the actresses in us.
Agnes, I could have written exactly what you wrote to THE letter. I was fortunate enough to have been married 47 years before becomming a widow. we were very young and our parents had to sign our marriage license (we wanted to get married; did not have to). It is a very lonely jouney and this grieving is a full-time job. I have separated myself from two children since they do not even try to understand and it seems to be "their way or the highway". I have one other son, who is my rock and an older sister who adored my husband. so life does go on. And I might add that death and money make family crazy and really disappoint you. Sue, you hit this topic out of the park. My heart goes out to all the really young widows who did not have nearly enough time to spend with their loves and have to raise children with little or no financial support. God Bless You All!
DeleteToday is the 2nd anniversary of my beloved Richie death. I don't know if I can do my nomal acting today. I usally have a happy face on for the girls when there come over but I don't know if I can do that today. I wonder if any of the family is thinking about what today is. They always said how much they love him even though they did not show it. I just wonder if they will take a few minutes out of there day to remember him. But getting back to acting I really have become very good at it I think. Smile on the outside crying on the inside thats how my life is now. God I miss my Richie and my old life.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say Thank you Sue for this blog I don't know what I would do today if I could not vent here.
My husband died almost 11 months ago. He and I always had a large group of friends and family, but I can count on one hand without using all the fingers the people who support and can allow me to talk about my pain. It seems we must act unless we become a hermit. I sometimes wish we had the old way where periods of mourning were "normal." I'm a middle age widow so I had to show back up for work and function in order to survive.
ReplyDeleteI have not made too huge a deal over it but the people who did not support me in my time of need will never be allowed a place in my heart again. Why would I ever need them again?
I have a sister who calls and tells me all her problems. She has been a widow for 11 years. Right from the beginning she would tell me that it never gets any better. Well that is hogwash and a terrible thing to say to a new widow. She is just one of those people who always has to compete. I find that it has gotten easier - it is not easy and some days are better than others, but the wound does grow a scab and we do get more used to walking into an empty house and not conversing with another person for a very long time. We adapt to not having that person who always had our backs.
I'm not make much sense. I do agree that we are forced to fake it and the ones who fake it best get rewarded. Isn't that crazy?
My husband passed away on Oct. 30, 2008. College sweethearts, we had been married for 32 years and he was only 52. In the past 3 years, I have learned how to do many things for myself, but the main thing that I have mastered is how to act. I can walk confidently when my legs are wobbling with the fear of "now what do I do". I can smile brightly when the sides of my mouth want to scream out "I am so tired of being alone". I can comfort my 5 kids when they are (still) missing their Dad when deep inside I am aching to lay my own head on someone's shoulder. In many ways I feel like I have lost sight of the person that I used to be. Everything I do feels forced. Being a widow is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. It is exhausting, lonely, frightening and terribly sad.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has been gone just over 2 years, and I agree with what you have said. I don't want another man in my life but the loneliness and sadness is sometimes just suffocating. I'm not sure if I will ever really be happy again. We were married for 44 years, and it is still so very hard to have lost him.
DeleteYesterday was nine months for me, and most of the time I am an award winning actress. No one, and I do mean NO ONE, really wants to know how you are or what you need. If you do hear from anyone (and most stay far, far away), they simply give you platitudes -- 'cheer up, you have so much good in your life;' 'just take it one day at a time, things will get better;' 'you are so very strong, you are doing so well.' If one of you soul sisters said anything like that to me, I would take it to heart because I would know that you were saying it out of concern and support for me since each of you are walking the same sad path as I, and each of you completely understands what it's like. None of these 'plat people' have lost their love, or even come close -- they have no idea how it feels to lose a spouse, who also happens to be your partner, your best friend, your soul mate. So most of the time I put on an act because it doesn't help to tell them 'how the cow ate the cabbage' -- they are never going to get it. If I do get close to being even a little bit 'real' with them, it seems to isolate me even more because they think I'm just being a hateful, angry person. I think the most frustrating thing is that I could play the actress and put a smile on my face about various things in my 'former' life, but I could always vent about it to my darling husband. Venting to our cats is not quite so satisfying...
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. My husband has been gone 9 months and I am surprised at how some "friends" have responded. Even just a quick note or card of support would be kind. I have decided some people do nothing because they do not know how to respond. I miss not being able to tell my husband the silly and/or stupid things that happen at work everyday. I could let off steam with him. I have cats too and they are just not quite as interested.
DeleteI know exactly how you feel, my husband has been gone for 7 months. I sitting in the tub crying my eyes out because I feel so alone! This is the only place I feel that I can be me and take the mask off! No one understands the pain and always feeling so alone! I think the longer he is gone, the harder it is for me! No one really cares how or what I really need! Playing the role of mother and waiter, maid, cook, taxi, and every other job that I have to do completely by myself and no one to really turn to for support is the worse for me! I just feel so alone and no one understands! I'm so tired of hiding how I really feel, but your right no one understands or cares, so the act goes on!
DeleteI really know how you feel when you said playing the roll of mother and everything completely by yourself. My son is having emotional problems right now. He is 17 and has been in the hospital for a week and then in a partial program for 2 weeks. He is on depression medication which is not doing anything for him. We have to see the doctor again in 2 weeks. I don't know how to handle this by myself. I wish he were here to help me. I am so alone on this one. My other kids want to help but he's our son. I want to be able to talk to my husband about it. I don't know if that makes sense but that's how I feel. I feel so overwhelmed right now. It just makes me miss him more.
DeleteI am 6 years into this journey. My biggest fear was and is getting sick with no one to help me. All of us here on this board who was a caretaker for our husbands before they died know how critical our role was in assisting them as they traveled a painful and scary path. In my husband's case, he had cancer that began in his prostate and then metatasized to his bones and brain. I was there every step of the way to call EMS, take him to his Dr.'s appointments, help him with his medications and assist him in so many other ways, I cannot count them all. I was there for him day in day out. I loved him and didn't mind all that was required of me as he lived his last days.
ReplyDeleteI moved back home 2 years after his death so I would have the support of my family should anything happen to me. Well, that time has come and there is NO support whatsoever. I have 2 sons here and my sister. My sons are too busy and my sister is feeling resentful because I have asked her to accompany me to my Dr.'s appointments. After the third appointment she informed me that she felt "used". I am so sick and can't believe she is acting like this. I have been very sick for 4 months. I cannot have a bowel movement and now I cannot eat. I was finally told by my GP that I'm probably going to have part of my colon removed. It has taken this long after many Dr.'s appointments and trips to the ER to get to this diagnosis and I am in a lot of pain. This is major surgery with a long recuperation period. When I told her what the Dr. said she just said Hurrumph! She was supposed to go with me today to see a surgeon, but she never caleed last night and I didn't call her so she wouldn't feel used.I guess I'll be going alone and making the life changing decision as to what happens next by myself. At first I pretended that what she said didn't bother me (acting) when in reality I was shocked and hurt that she would say something like that. This is not the flu or a head cold I've got here, this is major and now I feel as though I have no support at all. Do I go on by myself and pretend I do not need her?
Sad, depressed and hurting in Indiana.
So sorry you have gone through another trial alone. It has been a month since your post. Have you had the surgery and did your sister step up to help you?
Delete"You are doing so well!" Don't you just love to hear that...and the smile sort of freezes on your face and you try and divert the conversation to something else because you just want to reach out, slap them or grab them by the throat, bring their face up close to yours and scream, "NO I'M NOT! HOW COULD I BE?" and shove them away. Ah yes, but the actress says simply, "Thank you."
ReplyDeleteMy husband literally dropped dead in front of my eyes on August 27, 2011-the day before our 38th anniversary. No one,not even my adult children, can understand the incredible pain and loneliness I am feeling. And, yes, I have acted plenty in the last six months...
ReplyDeletePhone just rang and someone says "How are you?" My standard answer, "I'm ok ". We all know that we aren't. What else do you say? If they could only see you crying in the night or in the car or the shower....all the places I use to grieve because the alternative upsets people. The other day I cried in front of my doctor and he said"what brought this on?. If he doesn't get it , who else will?
ReplyDeleteI went to see my doctor after my husband died. I needed help because all I could do was sit in work and cry. As I was sitting there sobbing he turned to the nurse and said "This lady's husband has died and she just can't seem to get over it". This was three weeks to the day after the heart attack that took him. That was the day I learned to put on the mask. Three years now and I'm still wearing it!
DeleteFor me, acting is a way for me to keep my composure. After only nine weeks of widowhood, I have learned that this composure is a very thin veneer which is ready to crack without warning. Sometimes all it takes is walking past something of his. Other times a memory of him rises unbidden to the surface instantly reducing me to a sodden heap. Terror is never far from the surface. I do my share of crying, but only in private. To allow others to see my weakness is too risky because then I would be the object of their pity and I simply cannot bear that thought. What I really hate to hear is "I am here if you need me. Just call." I don't want to be the one to have to call someone. What would they think if I told them the truth? That I am scared to death of the future, that I don't know how to do the things that he always took care of, that I am so lonely, that the nights are long and cold, that I miss him so much I can't stand it??? Just last evening I got an email from a close friend and in it she wrote that I don't seem to communicate as much as I used to. It's like she is trying to make me feel guilty for not being the friend I used to be. Well, that friend is gone and will never be back. I can never be the same. I belong to a new sorority now. She talks about getting together for tea or lunch but never makes concrete plans. I would love for someone to take the initiative and arrange something for me. Something that would show me they do truly care. Maybe then I would feel safe enough with them to let the tears flow. More than anything else, I hate, absolutely hate hearing people say, "You will get through this because you are so strong." They only think I am strong because I never let them see anything else. And I guess I don't let them see anything else because I somehow get the sense that they aren't comfortable with emotion. If they were, they would talk about him, wouldn't they? Why does everyone act like he is gone and should now be forgotten?
ReplyDeleteOMG I can relate to everything! I have had so many "friends" say let's get together, over and over, and I say "OK, when?" And then I hear nothing. Over and over. I feel abandoned by them, and I'm now so angry about it that I don't even want to see them. What is that about? And EVERYONE tells me how strong I am and that it will get better. What can I say to that? "No, I'm not, and you don't know what you're talking about."? Then I would just alienate everyone who is left.
DeleteWell...I'm three months out and perhaps still in the shock stage. I am in grief therapy with 7 others (2 widows, others who have lost parents/children). We cry alot during out sessions and get a lot out there. I find it helps me function in the work a day world. I have to work to pay the bills, and during that time, I go numb and just get it done.
ReplyDeleteMy sadness comes in waves, so I learn to surf the waves. When the sorrow arrives, I let it out. Then I have my up times when I say I am going to use this energy for something to help me go forward. And I get something done, this week it was the dreaded taxes. I took the accountant out to lunch I was so happy to have my data gathering stage over. Then I came home and pushed myself out the door for a run and some exercise as it was a nice day. I was exhausted, but now I think I will sleep ok tonight. A gift for me going foward. That's how I handle it. No acting required.
i was married 47yrs., we were both 18yrs.old when we married. he was the love of my life.i like everyone else here only have memories of our husbands,i was told to please not talk about him so much, because it kept the hurt to fresh. this was by a family member. with no future all we have is the past, so ill just put on the happy face and play the game for them, while my heart breaks and cry alone. i guess we all grieve differently. my husband has only been gone 3 1/2 mos. you sit alone,evenings and nights are the worst. what i would give to fell him in bed, with his arms around me. this is hard enough to go through let alone acting for someone else.
ReplyDeleteThis is a subject that I know well. I find myself in the act of acting frequently but in my head I know the game: "Oh, if she only knew the truth," I think when the friendly clerk asks, "How are you today?" "Fine, I say, smiling back. Then, to myself, "Please don't ask me anything more, just let it be." And on it goes. My sisters look at me searchingly. "How are you?" they ask guardedly. I can't stand to see their pained looks, their anxiety. "I'm okay," I answer.
ReplyDeleteI save my real feelings for when I'm in the company of my widow friends or when I'm alone.
One of my closest widow friends told me that she is determined to get a life back, to not wallow in grief for very long. I asked how she was going to do this. She said that she had a little trick, something she learned in a 12-step program. "Act as if," she said, "and eventually, you'll begin to feel the change."
Here's the challenge if I choose to take it on: I will act as if I really am okay. Act as if I think that life is good. Act as if I'm grateful that I had such a long strong marriage, even if it had to end so tragically. Act as if I don't resent all of the happy old couples walking hand in hand. Act as if I'm not scared to be alone. And on it goes.
I would like to reply to "sad and hurting in Indiana", but when I hit the "Reply" button under her post, it doesn't work. Anyway--I am going through much the same thing. I put off my hip surgery because I couldn't leave Fred alone while I was in the hospital. Now, it is an emergency situation and how am I going to do this when there is NO ONE to care for me when I come home? I guess I will have to go to the nursing home/rehab for a few weeks afterwards--and now the question comes--who will take care of my cats while I am gone. The questions never end--the fear and terror remain every single day!!!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I was always so comfortable and secure because my husband took such good care of me. I have had yet another dose of reality I suppose. On March 1 I fell and broke my right ankle. I have never been this disabled before, but when I was sick, my husband was always there. He loved to cook, and made the best fresh vegetable cream soups. All I can think is how much I wish I had some of his soup right now. My oldest daughter is 26 and has epilepsy so she lives at home with me and my youngest daughter who is 16. She has been my nurse. I have had to rely on my parents who are in their 80s to drive me around. I should be taking care of them! This has been so hard. Rick would have done anything to make sure I wasn't hurting. I miss him so much. But I am so lucky he gave me three wonderful caring daughters. They are my world now. This is very frightening, but somehow I have learned that it is ok to let others help. Still hard for me to ask for help, but easier for me to accept help that is offered. People have stepped up without my asking, people I hardly know, and offered to do anything for me, and I believe they would. Help will come for you!
DeleteThe post from anonymous on March 8 at 3:38 articulated EXACTLY what I felt in the early weeks/months. I am about six weeks away from his two-year, and about the ONLY thing I’m grateful for is that I’m not at nine weeks because the pain was all encompassing. So much to try to absorb, let alone cope with. The few times I had the fleeting thought of “what would I do if Stevie were to die? proved how pathetically unaware of all that being a widow entailed. But there was NOTHING to prepare me for how little people would CARE that my life was shattered and therefore I didn’t hone my acting skills for months. Okay, I was an idiot because as this widow so eloquently stated “…I am so lonely, that the nights are long and cold, that I miss him so much I can’t stand it” was exactly how I felt and not at all comprehending how/why NOBODY acknowledged my pain when I was obviously not masking it. But as the weeks become months, I then FINALLY honed my acting skills for I could no longer run/hide from the fact that nobody cared – not about my loss, my feelings, or how completely overwhelmed and unprepared I was for my “new” life.
ReplyDeleteThese posts are soooooooooooooooooooooo important because we all need to be able to say exactly how we feel. I also feel that because we are forced into acting, the harsh business of grieving doesn’t get the attention it deserves. We spend the majority of our time denying what’s happening that it’s no freaking wonder we don’t “move on”. Almost two years later, I still don’t know what the heck happened, and I believe that’s due to not be able to express freely what so desperately needed to be said.
The first year was just such a blur of hanging on by my fingernails, that I feel it’s just been the past couple of months that I’ve even gotten a glimpse of what my future looks like, and I know it ain’t pretty! So going forward, I see years and years and years of acting because if nobody cared at two months, they sure don’t care at two years.
I’ve said before but it truly barely bears repeating – you new widows allow yourself your unimaginable level of grief while acknowledging that nobody in your world can or will comprehend the depth of your pain, bewilderment, and despair. But the one tool you’ve gained through all the losses is that you don’t “owe” anyone a stinkin’ thing, so if you’re being chastised for how you feel and/or act, you now have the luxury of not caring what they think because the person you DID care about is gone, and therefore the loss of a nasty and cruel friend or relative is NOTHING in comparison.
Everybody take good care of yourselves and post/read often because we truly do need each other.
I believe it is important to "feel" what I feel. It is the only way I can move forward. I am lonely. I cry often, but never in front of any one. Is that acting? I guess it is. This journey that not one of us chose to go on is part of our new normal. We are mourning, which not the same as grieving. We are mourning the loss of ourselves as well as our husbands -we have no choice but to do so. I try to be gentle to myself. I have never experienced pain like this before even with the loss of both parents. At work my mind is occupied for the most part,but coming is breath takingly painful. We are on a journey that all couples will one day will begin. We are there now. I miss John so very much.
ReplyDeletehome takes my breath away, the pain and loneliness is breath taking. I chose to feel what I feel and have little energy or thought as to what others might feel comfortable with. I am a woman living a "new normal" and it's not recommended. This journey we are on is one that all couples will eventually join, and they are afraid to acknoeledge
My sister did show up to go to my doctor's appointment with me and I didn't act like everything was Ok. When I told her that I was hurt because she said she felt "used" and I asked her why she said that. I told her I asumed she did not want to be a spport for me. She didn't answer my question but instead went crazy and said some awful things that really astonished me. We rode in silence to the doctor's office. After the consultation she finally realized the seriousness of my medical condition. It took her a couple of days to call me and tell me she was sorry and would be there for me during my surgery and recovery and she didn't want to make things worse for me by behaving badly. I always thought we had a good relationship and absolutely never expected her to act the way she did. While she was unloading on me with both barrels I warned her that once something is said, she couldn't take it back. I will always be a little leery of asking her for help in the future. People just don't get anything about us widows, they offer help but don't really mean it. Some might, but I think most would rather we just get on with life and act as we still have our life partner with us. My sister is being called to take the place of my husband to the extent she has the capacity. They have no clue and I'm sick of acting and the consequence of telling someone I love exactly how I was feeling was brutal.
ReplyDeleteJudemiller1 somtimes you have to hit the publish button twice. Oh by the way, I also have a cat that someone is going to have to look after. I may also have to go to rehab for a while.
Sad, Depressed and Hurting in Indiana
I keep making the mistake of telling my loved ones how I am when they ask. I get all the pat advice, and it just rubs in the fact that, although they love me, they haven't a clue what I'm feeling. They don't understand, but they think they do. And they want me to DO SOMETHING to get better. I'm doing everything I know to do, but it's not getting better.
ReplyDeleteMostly I deal with terrible anxiety, each and every day. I'm really, really, scared.
I'm really, really scared too.
ReplyDeleteThis topic really hits close to home. I feel I have become the master actress. It will be one year in May 11. My mom tells me people ask her how I am doing, or they tell her how great they think I am handling things. And she says the same. I won't let her or anyone see how my heart still aches. She probably knows, but we all prefer to have our "moments" privately. And that's ok. Sometimes I feel like I am betraying my husband because I am not openly emotional. Truth is, I am scared to show anything with because I don't think the tears would ever stop. On another subject... I don't ever want to stop wearing my wedding ring on my left hand. And I don't believe I will ever want to romantically date another man. I am 46. My husband even told me at one time if anything happened to him I should find someone else. I would rather be alone.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I found this website. I can relate to so many of your comments and you all are going through the same things I am. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWhen people ask me how i'm doing, I just say "I've been better" and that takes care of the question. It says I'm not bad but not great either. I just wish I had him to talk problems over with. I'm scared of the things I never had to do before. Like when I get something in the mail that I have no idea what to do with. If something goes wrong with the car. If something goes wrong with something in the house. He tried to plan for the financial part, but there is just no planning for the little every day things. I just pray nothing goes wrong.
ReplyDeleteThanks Robin, I totally agree with your sentiment on Gratitude. It helps us when times are hard and lifts our spirits when we reminisce about the unconditional love we shared with our husbands.
ReplyDeleteWishing you a measure of solace at eighteen months and a sense of peace as time goes on.