I have a business colleague who became a widow in November. This morning she told me that she was exhausted because she went out with friends on Friday and Saturday nights and to brunch and a movie on Sunday with her sister. She went on to tell me that she accepts every invitation and spends as little time at home as possible.
I, on the other hand, spend most weekends alone in my house. I do the usual errands and everything but that's about it. I 'm pretty content doing nothing and doing it by myself.
Now I don't want you to think I am a complete recluse with cats or anything. I'm not. I have some friends and I do go out occasionally. But staying home doesn't bother me in the slightest. I enjoy my own company and now that Lane isn't here I am working on being my own best friend.
As you all know one size doesn't fit all. And that certainly is true in how we widows choose to socialize. Some do better keeping busy with friends and getting out of the house as much as possible. Others, like me, keep it close to home.
Which kind of widow are you and why?
Sue
Hi Sue, I just lost my husband last December. I have a group of friends who try to fill my social calendar with things to do. In the beginning, I allowed myself to be brought everywhere and to be entertained. But honestly, those moments made me feel more alone! Now, I prefer my own company (or that of my three very young children) OR of my in laws -- the only other ones who truly "get it".
ReplyDeleteHi Sue, I am 13 months out, my husband passed of cancer in December 2010. Going through grief is exhausting for anyone that has this burden to bear. We are hit with one of the hardest thing in life, losing a spouse, so whatever you put on top of that, I feel, is overload. I tried to slow down and took it easy during the first few months and even this first year. It is painful to go out amoung people and "hold up" or be strong. I prefer to do things at my house, alone or with my daughter (age 15)so when I need to cry, I do. Being around others is helpful at times, but I think new widows need alone time probably more. Getting to the other side of grief takes a long time, from what I am learning. So far, I am the one who likes to keep close to home. Love reading everyone's thoughts. My husband & I were married for 27 years and together 30. It is hard to move forward but we (3 children) and I are trying our best.
ReplyDeleteHi-
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband to cancer one year Feb.1st I have gotten out to a concert/dinner on 3 different occasions, with people I enjoy, and I have one close friend my age who lost her partner of 20 years back in 2008. We were all friends for many years. She and I get together about once a week for lunch at a favorite local family run pizza/Italian place in her small village and we both feel so wwlcome and safe there. Sometimes, in warm weather we sit on her porch late afternoons with cheese and crackers and a glass of wine. I help her walk her dogs and with some care of her 91 year old mom, who I love as well. She can't get to my house because of caregiving her mom. We do the best we can and talk by phone, do some occasional errands together in her community area.
Otherwise, I prefer alone a home with by loved kitties (all 9 years old and grieving as well). We had no children, or siblings. I run the wood fire, have a routine of evening news, rental movies etc. Down to me to run our property which takes work. I am tired most evenings but do get calls from people a few times a week to see how I am.
Even managed Valentine'slunch at the home of the couple he worked for renovating their home for many years. It was a nice day and helped because we all love and miss him so.
When I really need escape I go to the movies now and then-on my own.
I keep it really flexible so I am not "roped" into something that I may not feel up to if it is advance planning.
Frankly, I feel closest to my husband hanging out at home and talking to him in my head and sometimes out loud. Come summer they probably think I am crazy, but my neighbors are not right on top on our house.
Sue, I agree. I am wanting to be my own best friend again. Sure wish I had my true love,best friend after 28 years together (26 1/2 married). Still can't believe he won't burst in that door grinning and smack me on the lips and ask about my day. Miss him beyond description....but you all understand that!!!
Well...I am only 2 months and a couple weeks out. My husband died after being ill for a number of years. I got hauled out by friends a couple of weeks ago to go dancing at their restaurant/bar where a great Cajun band was playing. A gentleman I had danced with earlier at an event my husband and I attended a year before, danced with me the whole night. We got along great, he remembered my husband, we share the same occupations, same age, he's single...it was almost too good to be true. Tonight he will be in another spot dancing to same band. He told me about this date several times that night we danced together, but you know what? It is waaaayyyyyy too soon for me so I will take a pass on this one and stay home by the fire with my two cats and a nice glass of wine. I too am enjoying the peace and solitude. It gives me a chance to reflect on the 25 years of happiness I had with my husband-- in sickness and in health. I struggle daily with the question of what to hold onto and what to let slip away. And yes, I want him here with me. He was my best friend. We had no children and all my family are gone, either dead or estranged. So it is very quiet now. But still I feel peace--for him and for me. Watching him struggle with his disease at the end was draining.
ReplyDeleteThis past weekend I was alone. I did what my husband and I always did, a project around the house. I fixed a broken patio chair seat. I amazed myself: I changed the blade in the skill saw (a first), found a scrap piece of lumber in the garage, and sawed it to size (another first). Then pulled out the broken slats and landed the new ones (another first). That chair looks sooo much better. It was kinda sad looking before I fixed it. Oh, and with this little victory, I started getting ALL kinds of ideas of what else I might be able to do around here. It was a beautiful sunny day, the birds were singing and coming to the feeder, so after I finished, I made a cup of tea and sat out on the patio in the sun and caught up on my newspaper reading. One of my two cats snoozed in my lap. All that was missing was my husband, but I suspect his spirit was very much present, and that he had a big smile on his face.
That Cajun band will be back at the end of March at my friend's place. I may journey there to see if my dancing buddy is around. I like to dance, and my husband had two left feet. We took dancing lessons, but quit at the foxtrot.
I'll keep you posted.
I know that I am new at this "widow" thing but I like being at home with my dog. Close friends want me to go out to the movies, dinner, etc and I do because it makes them feel better....like they are helping. I go to my grandsons' sporting events because we always did. Don't want them to think that Nana is not there for them anymore. Went to dinner tonight at my son's house. First time since I lost my hubby and my son says don't be sad. He just doesn't get it! I can cry all I want at home and my sweet dog just cuddles up next to me.
ReplyDeleteAt the 3 1/2 year mark, I am finally in a comfortable routine. During that first year of numbness, it took a lot to just get out and go to work. It was difficult trying to act normal in the midst of others and I couldn't wait to get back home to be alone with my broken spirit.
ReplyDeleteI retired 2 years ago and have joined an organization that does community service along with a few social functions. So far, that's enough activity to keep me involved and making new friends. I have no local family but have no problem doing some things alone (matinee movies, window shopping, etc) Also planning to try my hand at some home projects!
The bottom line is, I'm at peace with keeping it close to home.
I actually like being alone, but thought there was something wrong with me. Just 7 weeks into this widow stuff--after reading the comments (I am soooo glad I found this blog) I find that I am perfectly normal. Thank you--thank you.
ReplyDeleteA year has gone by, I do what has tobe done, I am in the process of cleaning house, getting ride of the things I don't want any more (clutter) I do like my alone time, the first 8 mos, my children wouldn't let me be alone, so now I am experiencing that, I know my like will never be the same after 51 years with my husband, my life has changed for ever and I have to change with it. I am trying not to be to sad now as time progresses.
ReplyDeleteI always enjoyed quiet time at home and my husband and I would sometimes joke that I could easily become a recluse. Now that he is gone, I stay at home because it feels safe and I can see how easy it would be to become fearful about going out. So, I try to get out although I feel so vulnerable and alone. Our two daughters are grown and live in other states and are busy with their own families and I think some of the reason I hate to go out is because there is no one at home who even knows I am away and if something would happen while I am out, no one would ever know. My whole life is so turned upside down that I just don't know where I fit in. I am 59 and have six years to go until retirement. He has been gone seven weeks and I soon will have to go back to work for the health insurance, which should help me to get into some sort of a routine. Most of the calls and visits have stopped as friends go back to their own busy lives and I will need to do something or I will go mad with loneliness.
ReplyDeleteTo all the ladies who have written, you
ReplyDeleteare all 100% correct, going out staying busy is as individual as the person. I think if your of the age to go back to work that may be the best for our mental health, it gives us a routine and a reason for getting dressed in the morning. It would be very easy to just pull the covers over our heads, and stay in our safe world. This isn't wrong, and for many this works, I don't think you can compare yourself with another widow in your home town and think one ofyou may not be correct. Also please talk to a health professional and make sure that your comfort isn't any other sign of problems, such as depression. In this state of mind, we may not be able to accurately judge.
What ever we choose, summer is once again almost here, get out and enjoy the sun in your face, the wind in your hair, and the sand at your feet.
Hi all. I’m at 22 months and have just recently started to marvel at how much “better” I am than I was a year ago. But that would not / could not be possible without this blog and the honest and heartfelt emotion you all have been willing to share. I’ve loved hearing from the “veterans” who assured me in the early days and months that I would indeed survive. As a result, I’m “better” at almost two years because, well…I’m lowered my expectations of my “new” life. I would have been devastated to learn year two (soon to become year three) would be, in some ways worse, than year one and therefore I was somewhat prepared for the pain of finality that was the theme of this past year.
ReplyDeleteSorry, really I’m getting to the point of this week’s topic, but realized I had to start at the beginning. We were married for 35 years, and the only time I was not with him was during work hours, so in the early days when I accepted an invitation, the outing was brutal without him. Then, as is somewhat “normal”, the invitations ceased as people (a) resumed their own lives and/or (b) were disgusted by my apparent lack of trying to “get over it”. During that time I was devastated by the realization that nobody cared that I was completely alone. But then the devastation gradually became surviving which has somewhat morphed into “I’d rather be alone, anyway”.
I’m not a true recluse because I still work and have to run the errands and there are a few people I see occasionally, but I’m the most content when I’m home with the three kittens, so I believe I’m am recluse in the making!
The fact that it has become my choice to be alone is where my comfort lies these days. I am becoming more self-sufficient and now, I too am going to strive to become my own best friend because I can absolutely guarantee that I’ll be the BEST friend I’ve ever had! It also has become abundantly clear to me that if I can live (well, relatively speaking) without the one person I REALY want, why would I compromise my true needs and feelings in order to have “people”? It is not unpleasant to cease trying to explain myself to others hoping to receive validation because now I’ve discovered throughout all these horrible months, is that I don’t NEED validation from anyone but me, which again is a result of reading your posts – you HAVE validated me.
Thanks again all for posting – I REALLY appreciate every one. To the very new, please, please, please take care of yourselves with NO regard to what anyone else thinks you should be doing or thinking or feeling. To the not-so-new, please keep posting because I so value your thoughts and experiences as you continue along this road that got old and ugly very quickly.
Like the comment that proceeded mine, I am extremely grateful for this blog. I, too, am learning how to live alone; learning about who I am without my husband of 55 years.
ReplyDeleteOn the current topic, I find that I am more social than I thought I was. When it was just "the two of us" it was easy to go places and do things together, not include others. We preferred it that way. Now that I'm alone I find that I do need a little companionship. This, of course, pushes me out of my comfort zone. I don't need much, just a lunch, a movie, a trip to the ocean occasionally. And, the company I seek is that of other widows. I have three very good friends who proceeded me into widowhood and their support and friendship is invaluable.
My three wonderful sisters come to my house each month for lunch -- something I wasn't able to provide for a long time because of my husband's illness.
Aside from the above light socializing, I'm on my own and finding that I enjoy my own company.
I've just finished a book that I'd like to recommend -- a memoir by Joan Didion about the death of her husband and all that she experienced -- "A Year of Magical Thinking." I found while reading it that I was nodding "yes, yes."
We're not alone.
We live in a violent world, finding peace with ones self, and accepting the aloneness of widowhood is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 19, many years ago; I was married with a baby daughter, and working as a night manager for a convieniance store untill midnight several nights a week. One evening at about 11:00p.m., two masked black men came into the store armed with guns. They found me in the back stocking shelves and dragged me by the hair to the front and demanded I give them all the money in the register as well as what was in the safe on the floor; all the while the gun was pointed in the middle of my forhead. I did what I was told, but the one with the gun said "I should shoot you anyway." The other guy said "No, let's get out of here." They ran, and I was left alive. A week later these same guys robbed the next store down the street from mine, and shot the employee....I will never forget the miracle of my life being spared that night.
There have been several other close calls in my life, so now, as a widow I take carefull precautions. I too stay alone in my home a lot, it's my choice. I do go out with family and friends and do the necessary errands to keep my home life going; but I am cautious and think thru my decisions before I do anything. If anything were to happen to me, I too may not be missed for days.
It is sad to realize that hatred and violence has such an influence in our lives, but it is the reality of life.
I am the kind of widow that likes to be home, that's where I feel free to be me. I can cry if I want or scream or just get lost in my memories of my Richie. I don't have to explain anything to anyone . I think if I hear one more time that I need to move on I will really scream. It will be 2 years for me March 7th. I do think that the reality that he is really not coming back as set in. I know that this is what the rest of my life will be like ,no more real joy they way it was with him. I know that I will never be with anyone again because no one will ever measure up to him. I have excepted that, an it is ok. I find peace in being at home . I don't need to go out with people that I need to pretend every things is has it was . That I am the same as I was before he die.
ReplyDeleteSo to answer your question I am the type of widow who likes to be home with her pets.
I think I'm both of these. In the beginning, when my world crumbled I was a hermit and my friends/family kept me on the move. I'm glad I kept busy and met every new challenge that came my way. I went to concerts, boating all summer, zip-lining, partys, fishing, vacations and etc... This "widow" was on the move. I knew if I didn't force myself to get out of the house I would never heal and recover from my husband's death. Time is healing the worst of the pain, and just getting thru the first year, has brought me some kind of inner peace. I still have my little security wall that I have built up around me going on sometimes. I noticed it yesterday when I went to a fundraiser, but after a few cocktails, I was a social butterfly. LOL. I've been working hard around the house with painting, new floor and etc... I needed the changes for myself and to keep busy, otherwise I would fall into my depression again. I'm proud of my accomplishments in the last year and hopefully this year will be better. I know my Kent is smiling down on me... Trish
ReplyDeleteDuring the first six months after my husband died, I just stayed home. I would often go days without seeing anyone. To my surprise it didn't bother me. I kept busy with my dog and my garden. When the holidays were coming up I decided to go to Florida to spend time with my son and reconnect with some old friends and coworkers. I still often find myself alone, but generally I try to keep busy. My son expressed an interest in geneology and I'm going to work on that. I decided to take things as they come and if I get an invite to go somewhere that's wonderful. If not I can find somewhere to go or do like the beach the movies or a concert. My funds are limited so I try to do things that are not too costly. Unfortunately this rise in gasoline prices has been cramping my style. I'm 100 per cent sure that Billy would want me to go out and do things and not stay home and mope.
ReplyDeleteThis blog is such good reading of heartfelt thoughts; thanks Sue.
ReplyDeleteFor me it will be 2 years on April 3rd. Of course at our house it means remembering the day he died, his birthday, our youngest daughters birthday, the anniversary of my dad's death and birthday and our wedding anniverary all wrapped up in April and May. So this is my worst season we are beginning to enter for me.
I have found this road of grief has seasons, it has its ups and downs and it learning experiences. We were married for just shy of our 20th anniversary when he died but we had been best friends for almost 30 years.
I have tried the busy and it didn't work for me. I have found when I work I yearn for the day to end so I can get back to my home and be alone with my two kitties. This past September our youngest daughter left for college so the house has been even quieter and I have no family here where I live.
Tom and I both worked at the local community college and that is where we met. So going to work for me is not escaping the grief it is living in it because I see him every single day and in every single place at the college. I hope to be able to retire next Spring and maybe move closer to my family. However, it seems almost impossible to leave this house, the place I feel comfort, content, and his spirit.
I agree with so many of you that life goes on for all thoe people that worried about you and comforted you -- they went on and not only did they go on but they wonder why you don't move on. They don't understand your sadness for goodness sakes its been almost two years Sue.
So the long way around this is I love being home and I too want to be my own best friend.
I don't understand that at 53 I have lost him so quickly but I have so I love being surrounded in the home we loved together.
Fondly, Sue Clark
I am at 8 weeks widowed yesterday. I went grocery shopping alone and sobbed when I realized everything in my cart was for one.
ReplyDeleteI have a daughter close but have not seen her since Feb 4th when I moved to my apt.
I have a close friend and her husband that keep me very busy and I accept every invitation as it is too sad being home alone too long. Some days it is ok being alone. I am going to get a pet(kitty)soon so I at least have a companion. I have suffered clinical depression for years and cannot believe how I have survived the last 8 weeks. My psychiatrist is watching me very closely as suicidal thoughts have creeped in. I know that is not the answer and have a family to live for but many times I wish I could just die of some natural cause so I can be with him again. We had just passed our 1st anniversary 3 months before he passed away. (2.5 yrs together.) It took me 46 yrs to find my soulmate and not even 3 yrs later I have lost him. Some feel I should not be grieving as hard as someone who had a lifetime of memories together. But I can tell you, it makes no difference. When you love someone intensely for 3 yrs or 100 the hurt is the same. There are so many times I feel cheated. I was not supposed to ever be alone again. I had spent more than half my life alone and now at 49 do not know what kind of future I can look forward to without him. His death was so sudden and unexpected. He had heart failure in his sleep and we didn't even know at barely 52 he had heart problems. I have never been good at living alone so always had a room mate but now I am truly alone. But I would rather be alone than with anyone as I can be me and grieve as I choose and not have to put on a happy face for anyone.
My husband has been gone for 2 years this past January. He was ill on and off for 5 years - had Parkinsons and cancer. He died at 65 - we had been married 44 years. He was my best friend and absolutely the love of my life. I want no one else.
ReplyDeleteDuring the time he was ill, I evidently ignored my own health. I have since learned that this is very typical. When I went for a complete physical a few months ago, I found out that all my "numbers" were high - not dangerously so, but borderline troublesome. I have since made up my mind to get healthy - I have grandkids to live for, and I don't want to become an invalid at 66. It is still very difficult being alone and I miss my husband every single day. He had traveled a lot in his job, so I was used to taking care of running the house, paying the bills, etc., so that hasn't changed for me. The worst times are nights and weekends, when most other people are with their significant others. But I do have lots of widow friends, and we try to get together and have some fun. Not a single one of us is looking for another man, and we laugh at the very idea. Not interested in becoming a "nurse with a purse" and we feel fortunate that we can survive on our own.
My son and I went to a birthday party today and on the way home he started asking me questions. How did Kent die? Do you have dreams about him and etc... I answered his questions and told him about my dreams. He told me about his dreams too. He said he dreams about all the things they did together, boating, swimming, playing pool, wrestling and etc... My son has kept alot in and is starting to open up alot. :) I told him I know he lost his best friend like I did and that we were going to be OK. I remember last year my 12 year old grabbing the back of the coffin and tending to his dad. He said afterwards, "Mom, it was heavy." I told him he would be proud of you. I guess that's why I stayed so busy all year. I tryed to make things as normal as possible for my children, especially my son. It's been a tough year on both of us, but I'm happy to see my boy coming around. I owe alot of thanks to my husbands and mine friends too for taking me and him under their wings. One of them taught him how to fly a remote control plane today, I'm teaching him how to drive the boat and he will learn to ski this season. I got to stay focused on the future. Staying strong and positive... Trish
ReplyDeleteEveryone's stories seem almost happy compared to mine. They are filled with love and heartache and a natural progression through grief to healing. I will never have that.
ReplyDeleteMy husband died seven weeks ago, quite unexpectedly. That's how I say it when I have to. "He died unexpectedly." That means he committed suicide...and I found his body.
So I spend a lot of time alone, away from everyone, hiding, so no one will blame me for his death. No one has really done that, and they probably don't think any such thing. But I do.
I keep thinking of where I went wrong. What I should have, could have, would have done or said that might have made a difference. Was there something that would have kept him from taking that horrible step? I think there must have been, but I don't know what it was.
It's illogical to feel guilty. Everyone tells me it's not my fault. The books say it's not my fault. The websites say it's not my fault. I tell myself it's not my fault. But there it it, staring me in the heart everyday.
I have experienced something very few people will. It is not a natural thing, and I am set apart by it. My sadness is dark and mixed with so many complex feelings. It'll probably take a lifetime to untangle it all.
So I spend as much time alone as possible.
My father suffered from Parkinson's Disease and at the end, stopped eating because he wanted to die. I was the only family member to stay with him through his five day vigil. He wanted to come home and live with me and my husband, but family medical power of attorney precluded that from happening. So he went on his hunger strike, and ultimately died. I understand the guilt you are feeling as I have felt it for the six years since he died. I'm in counseling now, as it is time to move forward and find peace, for both my father and me. I hope you can find peace too.
DeleteI just lost my husband to another awful disease, and wonder if I did enough for him while he was here. Guilt is big for survivors. Sometimes I even think my father retaliated at my not taking him home and took my husband from me. You can see how crazy your thoughts can get on you. It is complicated.
My husband passed six months ago today. It is one step forward and two back. I go to places people are just to get away from sadness. Some days are great and I will even have a week wher I think I am getting better. When I am home I am lonely. When I am out I want to be home with my little doggie. Thank God I have family. I realize how lucky I am. Still right now I feel I am alive at the edges of other people's lifes. Wish I could see what MY life could be. I was married 44 years. Lonely and sad today
ReplyDeleteTo those who posted having experienced suicide-
ReplyDeleteIt all resonates with me. The guilt we feel over what we "should" have known and tried to do.
My dad committed suicide when I was 20, my mom 53. She found him and I can only imagine the hell fo giref she withstood, but kept it together because of me (in college) and her sister dying of cancer after losing her own husband to it right after my dad's death.
And now I have lost my husband after a brief struggle with a rare GI cancer and have enormouse guilt of "what did I miss, not pay attention to" etc. It was unexpected and my mom died just 5 weeks prior after 3 months in a nursing home and giving up because I could not bring her home due to my husband. She had lived with us for 14 years and the devastation of knowing her son-in-law had cancer and I couldn't get her home for a length of time... She too gave up, had TIA's and couldn't and wouldn't try to eat. The guilt is enormous no matter how hard we worked and tried to save those we loved. When we are that close to someone there is no separating the realities from our concept of why things happened. For me it has been the hardest and most brutal part of the grief journey. WOULDA, COULDA, SHOULDA and my feeling is that most if not all of us struggle with that in the devastation of traumatic loss.
No, it is not our fault. We are not god (or nature, or the universal force of life or whatever higher power one may believe in) just human and so much is way beyond our control. That being said, I totally understand the depth of guilt and pain we are moving through and how tough it is go easier on oneself. And it is more than likely PTSD which does not only happen to war veterans and accident survivors.
I am working with Hospice counselors and whoever else I may need to try to get through these issues.
I am thinking of you.
Hi Sue!
ReplyDeleteAgain, thanks for your blog, and for addressing this one! I got the biggest kick over your recluse-with-cats comment as I sometimes wonder if I'm becoming "that" widow ;P
I'm the same kind of widow as you; I love my family and friends, and I love holing up in my little house. It's my sanctuary. My job has lots of contact with the public, and I also had no time alone for many years during husband's illness. I feel myself healing up when I'm in my quiet home.
Thanks for this blog. I have been widowed for seven years. It does get better but you don't get over it, I don't think. There are too many special dates that we have to relive each year when they come up. One big thing that helped me was to start a Widows' Support Group with two other widows that I met within two months of my husband's death. We have reached about 80 newly widowed ladies since October, 2007. We prepare gift bags, send books, cards, invite them to eat with us every third Sunday afternoon. We have around 20 regular attendees on these Sunday afternoons. No one understand what it is to lose your husband except another widow. I first started this group to help myself but now I do it to help others because I truly understand what they are going through.
ReplyDeleteReading these blogs have been kinda helpful. I lost
ReplyDeleteMy husband unexpectedly too....not from natural causes, but from suicide & not only that our 13yr old son found him in the garage. My husband died not even 4 weeks ago. I can't stay in the house, I feel like getting out, keeping myself busy. If I make plans then I have to get out of bed & somewhat ready. I never thought this was going to be my life....widow at 35?? I had the pleasure of loving him for 13 yrs, it still seems to short, gone before his time. Guilt of what I've could of/should of done, running thru my head all the time. How do I act, what's my next step?? Never knowing if what I'm doing is right. So here I sit @ 2am, not being able to sleep. Regrets flowing thru my head. I can't be in the house at night even with the children, staying at friends house with my children. I just want what everyone else wants & that's to have their love back.....but that's not going to happen. Life continues moving forward, while all I want to do is stand still. I keep waiting for him to call or come walking in the door. This has forever changed me & my children. Now it's just me, no daddy there, never coming back. It's all on my shoulders & it's not fair.....
I am a complete recluse. He was my social apron string. Lost since 8/1/01.
ReplyDelete