Kids, bills, job pressures and health problems are all known stress producers. Being widowed should be added to that list. Facing life on your own can make the calmest, most buttoned up woman feel anxious, nervous and completely stressed out.
After Lane died I was shocked how easily and often I felt stressed. Everything got to me. Work, managing the house, taking care of the car all of sudden were stressful. I even stressed out worrying how other people thought I was doing. It was a nightmare. My body started to take the toll. I felt tired and achy. I began looking for relief.
Honestly, at first I did turn to food and wine to help me feel calmer, less stressed. Both ended up creating stress. I was constantly questioning myself -- Why did you eat that? Are you drinking too much? This self inquiry upped my stress level so I had to switch gears.
Exercise helped. The physical exertion relieved a lot of tension and I felt more relaxed. Getting more sleep was also beneficial. I started to take some medication which I think helped some, too.
Not having someone to share stressful moments or issues with is extremely difficult. For me, even 5 years later it is still tough to deal with many of life's stressful situations on my own.
To all of you newly widowed, don't be surprised when your stress level increases dramatically. Making every decision. Dealing with all of the household and family responsibilities is stressful. Not to mention that just missing your husband 24/7 is enough to stress out anyone. It's a wonder we all haven't gone completely insane.
Does it get better? No not really. But like everything else, you will learn to handle it because you have no choice.
How do you deal with your stress?
Sue
I love your last paragraph. At last--an honest answer to, "does it get better?" How do I handle the stress? I haven't figured it out. Still having panic attacks and moments of terror. Afraid I am going to die in the middle of the night and no one will know. Afraid I am going to get sick and not be able to call 911--because no one else is here in the house to help. No way to pay some of the bills because that, sharing with expenses, is gone. Head hurts--stomach hurts--hands shake sometimes--heart pounds. Have to pull myself together and get over it--because, as you say, I have no choice.
ReplyDeleteI was always a "take charge, no crisis too large" kind of person. When Jerry died three years ago I became this sniveling wimp who collapsed at the stupidest things and sob, "He used to take care of that." I simply didn't know how to handle the weight of a load that was now doubled. I suddenly felt incompetent and overwhelmed. I'm also a bit OCD about the house being cluttered or disorganized.
ReplyDeleteOn top of that I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia so pain and exhaustion make my stress levels even worse.There's no one to hold my hand, rub my aching back, or bring things to me when I can't move well.
The first two years I struggled to combat the mound of things I had to do. It was awful. I felt ill equipped to deal with cars, repairs, and other minutia Jerry handled. In the last year, maybe year and a half, I've looked for ways to combat the stresses.
I call on my sons. They are adults but even they weren't used to not having Dad around to do the jobs he used to do for all of us. And they weren't used to having Mom not be able to handle crisis. They have become better at picking up some the slack but I had to ask. I also have a wonderful daughter-in-law who pushed them a lot. It took them a bit. A month ago my youngest son installed a new kitchen sink. Jerry and I would have tackled that together. But my son and his wife and I had a wonderful time doing it. I even videoed it.
Another step was letting go of some responsibility. About a year ago I realized I simply wasn't getting any time I felt was mine. There was just no days off. I worked all week and on weekends spent the whole time doing housework that I was too tired to deal with after work in the evenings. I was exhausted and when you're exhausted, you're an easy target for increased stress levels. So, I have a friend who enjoys cleaning house (seriously - Ms Clean) and I asked her if I could hire her to clean house for me a couple of days a month. She agreed. The first weekend I walked around and didn't know what to do with myself. Suddenly I had free weekends. She even did my laundry! It was astoundingly liberating. I was amazed at how much stress just left. I was able to do hobbies that I'd always loved but had somehow let go after I started working at a job. I started sewing and crocheting again, I started writing more and got involved in writing groups.
There is still tremendous stress with my job but that was always the case. But letting go of things within my control helped lessen the stress. If I'm having a rough day, I don't have to worry about laundry, floors, beds, or dishes.
I know many may not be able to afford the expense of a housekeeper. I was blessed because she's a friend and takes joy in cleaning house and the rate was so low I'd have been stupid to not do it. But I do think you have to find ways to alleviate the some of increased responsibilities we inherit on the death of a spouse is the best way to handle it. You need to have an outlet in something you enjoy. A forgotten hobby, crochet, was the catalyst for me. Whatever it is for you, grab it and run with it.
I can't believe how my stress level went up in the last year. I worried about everything too. Saving the house was my first priority (just refinaced it last week), but I did it. I never had panic attacks before, but I do now. LOL... It only happens once in a while, usually caused by other people. I've gotten rid of these trouble making big mouth bozos. Stress level has gone way down. I don't put myself in anymore of these situations, I keep an eye on the caller ID on the phone. No response is a good response. I've learned not to say YES to quickly and NO to slowly. :) I have pills that the Dr. gave me after Kent died. I only take them when I'm on overload and I sleep. I haven't had one in a month. I usually will just find a project to do around the house. Lately I've been playing video games with my son. There are so many dicisions to make and so much to keep up with, but I'm doing it. So far so good. When I mess up, don't understand something, need advice I call in the troops, friends and family. My problem is fixed. It has helped me alot having a good support system around me. They're all here to help me thru this stressful and horrible thing called "Kent's Widow." This website has been my most positive way of dealing with "stress." I know I'm not alone and it's normal to feel the way I do. One day, one week, one month, one year... We all share the same journey... Thank you Sue... Trish...
ReplyDeleteHoly moly, Sue – how do you continually produce such amazingly relevant topics? Well, who cares how you do it – just HUGE thanks for doing it!
ReplyDeleteTo me, this topic encompasses every aspect of widowhood. I, too was dismayed and horrified by my inability to cope with ANYTHING even though I, more so than Stephen, had been the “get er done” partner. But…until recently – very recently (and I’m 22 months out), there was nothing that didn’t cause me stress including getting the mail and newspaper – not because I wasn’t capable but because Stephen had always done those things so to me those simple innocuous tasks not only added to my chore list, but they were a daily reminder than he DIED!
I spent the entire previous months totally mystified why I was letting everything kick my behind. Was I just being a whimp? A victim? Was it true that adding his chores to mine was really worth the whimpering I was doing? YES!!!! Because I didn’t choose this, nor was I prepared for the reality that when my husband died, my entire life as I knew it, died with him.
“They” say “you didn’t die so live life”, but we all know that “they” don’t know squat. I’m in the process of a home repair that I need help with and the coordination of time and people has been a nightmare. We’ve all heard to ask for help (even though we loathe to), and in this case, I had no choice but that does not preclude me from once again feeling the bitter desolation of having to do everything myself, and while I’ve got a few people who will help, there is also no way I can prevent myself from feeling that I’m a burden.
But the biggest help in moving on (NOT getting over it) has been all of you because of the truth that it doesn’t get better, but what has helped me ease the stress is when I quit LOOKING for it to get better. I also am grateful to all of you for expressing your fears about getting sick and not having anyone because just this morning I realized that because you all share my fears, the fear actually diminished a little. There is nothing I can do to prevent any of my fears from manifesting, but I do know that I’m really not alone – I have all of you who, without knowing me at all, would have my back if you were able – as I would yours and we are taking care of another by sharing our pain and fears.
When I’m a little more clear-headed, I’m also able to realize that there is nothing in my future that will be as horrifying as the day he died and the subsequent days/months when I was assaulted by the reality of exactly what “alone” meant because the people I assumed cared for me, obviously did not, and therefore forced me to the realization that I will never again have the support system that I did prior to his death. Ah, sorry for rambling, but that brings to mind another stress reliever – I do not care what people say or think about how I’m coping. I know that some (most?) think I exaggerate the crisis level, but they don’t get to judge because the crisis is mine ALONE and therefore my actions and reactions involve no one else and I definitely don’t seek and/or need their approval.
I can relate so well to everyone's response and thank you Sue for your topic which really hits home. I find things that would never have stressed me before can now set me off easily. The biggest stressor I have is my job and I really have to figure out how to make it work. I have a horrible time with motivation and have taken way too many "sick" days. I don't think my job is that hard and that I am fortunate to have it. It does call for a lot of self-motivation and discipline and I feel that since Ed died in April of 2011 that I am barely scraping by. Then I have self-loathing because I am not doing a good job. Does anyone else have that problem and have you found anything that helps?
ReplyDeleteOnly time and experience has helped me deal with the stress of now being alone.
ReplyDeletePanic attacks: ride them out, do whatever I have to do to get my mind on something other than fear. Face the fear, tell myself "what is the worst that can happen?"...somehow this helps.
Doubled responsibilities: get up in the morning, and face one thing at at time; whatever doesn't get done, don't worry about it, no one else really cares anyway, and it's not the end of the world, if it doesn't get done today, or even tomorrow.
Losing my home: I've lost much in my life, and the most important thing to me; my companion for life. The prospects of losing my home is a sadness, but just one more loss among many.
Kid's and friends who don't understand: This is an issue that is still on-going for me, and I'm still learning what and whom to weed out of my life. But, it has helped to pay attention and ask myself how I feel after so-and-so has left...is this adding to my problems or helping me; then the decisions become clearer.
Unwanted intrusions: I live in a very rural area and the winters are long. I use it to my advantage. If I don't feel like socializing, and putting on a happy face, I can hybernate for several days at a time at home, and most of the time no one even asks or knows. I don't answer unwanted phone calls.
Loneliness: I spend the day store hopping, and don't even have to spend any money. It just helps to get behind the wheel, drive around and pay attention to the scenery, and watch other people enjoying themselves. I'm glad in a way that I'm just another stranger in the midst of them, I don't have to explain myself, or try to put on an act. But, when the door at home is closed and the memories come flooding in, and the pain and sadness grip my heart, at least no one else is affected by my condition, I can let out my tears, wipe them up, and make myself a cup of tea before going to bed.
When I was in psych training I learned that losing a spouse was right at the top of the list of major stressors, moving was close behind. I have faced the loss of a spouse and now I'm thinking about moving. I will try to hold off on this until it has been at least a year since my husband's death. So far it's been only six months, but I find myself ruminating constantly on the subject of what's next, where will I live, what will I do?
ReplyDeleteI just learned something that is helping me to focus on the "now" and stop all of the future projecting, fearful thoughts, etc. It's taken from a Buddhist practice. When I start to go down that dark road that brings up sad memories of my husband's illness and death, health worries and other terrors, I focus on what I'm doing in the moment, like if I'm brushing my teeth. I say to myself, "Woman brushing her teeth." Or, if I'm washing dishes, "Woman standing at the sink washing dishes." This may sound silly, but it actually works to bring me into the present, the "now" which is all we really have. It's easy. Works for me every time.
I was left with a large country property that is clearly too much for this LOL to handle alone. I am hiring people to do what my husband did and struggling to maintain the buildings. A move is the logical next step, but in order to avoid too much stress over this, I need to chill, take my own advice: live in the moment and trust that when the time is right I'll know it.
Thank you all for sharing your journey with me.
Married right out of college and never lived an independent lifestyle. Widowed at age 61 left me overwhelmed, vunerable, anxious and angry. My husband was the brave go-getter with me being the one who came up with a Plan B when needed. The stress of making decisions, being afraid others would take advantage of my widowhood, and having no local family members made me feel totally inept. My anxiety level would hit the roof each time I had to things alone that we used to do as a couple. Something as simple as taking a road trip made me skeptical.
ReplyDeleteGradually, I got tired of being a victim at my own expense. I chose to tackle things head on, or ask for help when I had to and became more assertive when taking care of business. However, it is sill a challenge to carry on without him. I draw on the courage and wisdom he portrayed.
I retired two years ago from a job that was becoming more and more stressful. Now, I have to carefully watch my budget, but I am calmer and at peace with doing as I please each day. We can never be stress-free, so I exercise, meditate, and eat better to offset a few health issues. So far, I feel I can do this even though I hate the fact that I have to. My husband was so concerned about me and would be pleased with my newly acquired confidence with living alone.
I am so glad you wrote this! I thought maybe I was the only one. I have been realizing that I really need to lighten my load and give myself permission to be... I guess just to be. I also have copped an attitude since my dear husband died. Maybe this is normal too? I am finding that I just cannot take on any more stress and have been saying no to people and also standing up for myself. Before I would have thought this impolite or selfish, but now it is survival mode. The stress at least is curing me of being a doormat and consistently taken advantage of. I am so worried about so many things. Like you- about my health, finances, bills, my kids, all my duties now, keeping up with all there is to do, even my anxiety causes me anxiety. I either walk about like an exhuasted, depressed shell of who I was, or I feel so restless and anxious. I have told my kids that mom needs her time at night to drink her tea. I have recently been buying different herbal teas and after I put my girls to bed, I sit in the living room and try to relax, drink my tea, and read your blog! It helps to know I am not crazy and I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteI just was reading your older post about the second year of widowhood, and now I find this one!
ReplyDeleteYes the stress is a bitch. I didn't expect that at all. Still figuring out how to deal with it.Still figuring out how to deal with it so I can't really contribute much, but glad to be here!
All the comments are so helpful to me--staring out on this new journey. And here I thought I was the only one having panic attacks and fears of getting sick or dying all alone and no one finding me for days. I was the one who paid all the bills and called the repairmen, so none of that bothers me now. Lack of that extra help financially is what I am facing now and that is terrifying!!! Thank you--all of you!!
ReplyDeleteReading this post is a God send. Being recently widowed (3 weeks today), I made a list of all the business that had to be taken care of. Each day I tackle one and therefore don't get overwhelmed. But yesterday the phone rang and it was about something that I thought was crossed off the list. It was a simple fix of them overnighting me papers to sign and sending them back but I lost it! Tears streamed and I couldn't control myself talking to a perfect stranger. Nothing is easy anymore! I can only function taking one step at a time. One day at a time. One thing I have learned in these past 3 weeks is that I have to be good to myself. Thank you all that post.....this blog is so helpful!
ReplyDeleteThe phone ran yesterday and I checked caller ID and it was an 800 number that had been calling for past two weeks, so I picked it up to tell them to stop calling...the number is on the DO NOT CALL list. The person asked for my dead husband. I was depressed and angry at that moment and simply responded: "He's dead. Take this number off your list." The caller was obviously stunned by my answer and quickly promised to do my bidding. As I hung up, I cracked up laughing (gallows humor?) and thought, well there's one way to get rid of those pesky telephone solicitors!
DeleteI'm feeling a bit of depression/anxiety yesterday and this morning. I'm going to a wedding today. Hmmm... Not sure if I'm ready to hear the vows exchanged. It's seems like yesterday I exhanged vows with my husband. I guess it's just another mountain I have to climb. Have a good day... Trish
ReplyDeleteSue, this topic, as well as everyone's comments have really hit home (again!). I've always been very independent and self-reliant (I was in the military for 24 years), able to cope with any situation. Stress was the fuel that kept me going! But I had a secret weapon -- my wonderful husband was the one person in my life that I could just fold into when anything became too much to handle. He was the soft place where I knew I could always land, without judgment and without question, never revealing this chink in my armor. So how do you cope with the most difficult moment you've ever faced in your life without the one person who can help you get through it? That is the biggest stressor for me -- we shared everything, and even eight months on I start to call out his name to discuss something I've seen online or on TV, and sometimes, just for a millisecond, I think 'I must tell him such and such when he gets home...' and then reality sets in again.
ReplyDeleteWe have a large acreage that he always took care of, doing whatever was necessary around here with very little help. I'm fortunate to be a very practical person with a pretty good understanding of mechanical things and how to do what needs to be done, but I don't have one-tenth of the knowledge and ability my husband had. So now it's all on me and I worry about everything! Why didn't I spend more time learning about all this stuff?! I always want to be three steps ahead of the next disaster, but it's difficult when some days you can't even convince yourself to do a simple thing like walking out to the mailbox or getting groceries.
So to keep the stress levels bearable, I do only what I am able to do for that day -- I try not to beat myself up over what I didn't do and I try not to worry about anything. I tell myself that any small thing I'm able to accomplish is a giant victory. I work at not wallowing in my own self-pity, reminding myself that as bad as I think I might have it, there is someone else out there in much worse shape -- someone who didn't have her love nearly as long as I had mine, someone with young children that she now has to raise alone, someone who wasn't able to say goodbye to their love, or someone who still has to work outside the home to keep the wolf from the door. My Mom's best advice when I was growing up was to remember that as bad you think things might be, you can reach out and touch someone who has it so much worse. Words to live by!
Thanks, Sue, I'm feeling better now. Think I'll go get the mail or maybe even go to town for groceries... :)
After just eight weeks of widowhood, I find myself still anxious over the least little thing. In the first week after his death, I made a list of everything I could think of that should need done--things like changes to the phone plan, calling the insurance company, notifying businesses he did work with, notifying the banks, requesting an appointment with the investment adviser, etc. I tried to do no more than one thing a day because otherwise I found myself so overwhelmed that I literally felt like I was struggling to breathe. I had always felt like an equal partner in our marriage but never realized how much he did in the home maintenance area. I hate being the object of pity and dislike asking people to help me, but there is so much I just don't know how to do--changing long fluorescent bulbs, identifying breakers in the electric panel, where to add windshield washer solution in my car, etc. I never needed to mow the grass and have no idea how to even start the lawn mower. It has levers instead of a steering wheel and he used to just fly when he mowed. I know I can never use that mower and plan to sell it and get something smaller, with a steering wheel. People keep telling me I can do these things; just have more confidence in myself, but it is as if there is something broken inside me and I can't even put forth the effort to mentally challenge myself with learning new things. And just the other day when I noticed that a simple wall clock was no longer running because the battery has died nearly threw me into a state of panic because I feel like I just can't handle one more thing. And on top of that, there is the anxiety of going out. I have begun to be so afraid of getting in an accident and no one knowing how to get in touch with my family who lives in other states. I finally got brave enough to ask my neighbor if I could put her name in my wallet as the person to contact in case of emergency. Most days I find myself just walking aimlessly through the house, unsettled and not able to concentrate enough to tackle other than the simplest projects. I stay up until very late so that I will fall asleep quickly and not lay there thinking about him. I hate it when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back to sleep. I am tempted to take Ativan for anxiety but am afraid that I may get lightheaded and fall or else have some sort of an adverse reaction, fall asleep and never wake up. But why should I fear death when I know that will mean I can be with him? My feelings are so mixed up and I don't really know who I am anymore. More than anything, I miss the fellowship with my husband--the laughing, private jokes, being able to pick up a conversation that had started days before, knowing what meals to make suitable for his likes and dislikes, feeling secure, protected and cared for and oh, the list could go on and on. I feel like I have had part of me amputated. This pain is raw, ragged and real and there is no way to get away from it. I am grateful for this blog which shows me that I am not the only one who suffers like this.
ReplyDeleteYou just described my life now. My husband has only been gone 3weeks. I fall apart all the time.It has helped me just to read these peoples words.I don't want to do anything at all.Thank all of women for writing here.
DeleteWhat a topic that we may all fail to come to grips with. During the first 2 years I had a feeling that I wasn't able to put into words, I had talked with my doctors and wasn't on any anxiety medication, but I would feel my heart palpate, start to sweat and couldn't breath, I felt panic at no partictular reason, Now in taking care of my alzheimers mother see the same emotion cross her eyes, panic attacks, how horrible, in stead of trying to push thru them, I learned from old times, lamaze deep cleansing breathing, and just focus on a tile on the ceiling, or anything, just fix on it. Now I'm trying to help my mom with the same technique. Don't know for sure if it helps her but it did help me. They became less frightening, and didn't come as often, they still would take me up in the middle of the night, and I had this overwhelming need to see my husbands picture, I will be 3 years in july 2012 and now I'm dreaming and seeing my husband finally in good times. If we learn only 1 thing from this site is that we all go thru it, that strong widow you see in church, she's going thru the same things, we just all wear different coats, we all need each other, I have been blessed with a activity that I've been active in since my youth,I'm 55 and riding my horses better than in my 40's, I know we all can't be so blessed, search your childhood for a hobbie or something that was fun to do, and do it.
ReplyDeleteI have thought of making up a t/shirt that says," What's the worst thing you can do to me, because, it has already happened." So based on that, it's all uphill.
I also realized that my stress level is heightened when I try to fake myself into believing things are better than they are because when the heart and soul hurt, what the head thinks is immaterial. Case in point, trying to kid myself into believing that each new task I performed was a “liberating” experience –NOT!!!! Any task undertaken, whether directly by me or scheduled by me, previously managed by my husband, is a heart wrenching burden, not a liberating, “I am woman” moment, and when I quit expecting to feel empowered and upbeat, some of the stress of the task dissipated. I am most definitely capable of many things, and while I am grateful that I’m able to do the chores that I am (without having to ask for help), I most definitely still feel screwed because I have to do them.
ReplyDeleteNot to get off topic, but my heart just aches for the new widows who write “I’d thought I’d be better by now”, when your loss is mere months. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE allow yourselves as much time as you need to FEEL regardless of the messages you are receiving from others. Gheesh! Talk about stress!!! At least you know that you don’t have to censure thoughts and feelings here, so don’t hold back, ‘k?
I've run my own consulting business for 20 years. Financially, I am still in a very fluid stage, as it only a few months out. I managed our finances over the years. At least the big picture items: mortgage refinancings, investments, retirement. He "kept" the checking account records...I say that because now I am preparing items for taxes and finding the records are far from complete.
ReplyDeleteSo, yes, I do get overwhelmed. Many times. But I found as other bloggers have stated, you need to break it down into small steps. Do a little bit each day, or when your energy is available to draw upon.
When I get wound up, I go to the gym or do some housework to work off the tension. I tell myself I had these moments before he died, and managed them. If I can't manage them, I will find help. Most people aware of a widow's situation want to help, but you need to help them help you.
I have found by relaxing and asking for help, it arrives. I was thinking I needed more income, and didn't want the stress of changing my situation as a free lance consultant, so I called up an acquaintance and asked how/if I could get an adjunct teaching position at local community college where he teaches. That will provide a cushion of income my husband provided before he died. He was most helpful and encouraging.
I still have to face down the investment advisor I never liked, where my husband has all his retirement accounts. I asked for help here and my sister in law recommended someone who met with me for no charge and reviewed my figures and listened to my plan and gave me good counsel.
Then, there is the accountant who doesn't fit any more. I asked two people for suggestions and they both suggested the same company. Sounds like a plan.
As for the items around the house. Think about what you have that has value to a handy man. Perhaps a trade can be arranged? And I'm not being facetious here.
I am an excellent cook. And I know many mechanically inclined men who would gladly do some chores in exchange for some well made meals.
One electrician I gave a gift certificate to he and his wife for a weekend hotel room in Boston...she wanted a place they could stay alone while visiting her family in Boston. Just ask, or pay attention to their conversation and an idea will present itself.
Maybe bookkeeping is your forte, and the guy can't balance his checkbook and needs help there.
Do a survey of long lost valuable skills you may have! It will raise your battered spirits knowing what is within your realm. Get help with a counselor/friend if you can't find your way with this task.
So reflect on what you "bring to the party", and see if you can't negotiate some tasks. You'll get the bonus of some camraderie along the way.
Talk about raised stress! Got a letter today addressed to my husband from his Part D prescription drug provider. It states that since he no longer has medicare, he doesn't qualify for their coverage. NO KIDDING!!! It seems the littlest thing can set me off and the water works begin.
ReplyDeleteIt seems I come back here every few days--just to renew my spirit. I am 8 weeks out--the panic attacks are debilitating. I have been going to a therapist for 4 weeks--I guess I will go to my doc and ask for some Ativan--not to take all the time--just when the panic attacks hit in the middle of the night or when I get afraid to go out of the house. I am so scared of everything! Nothing fact based, just scared.
ReplyDeleteI take a low dose Ativan at night. It helps me calm my mind so I can sleep. I called my doctor because I don't want to get used to taking something all the time. He said that I could take three a day so to quit worrying about just taking one every night. So the nights are okay and the mornings are filled with business that must be handled. It is the afternoons that drag on and I find myself crying more then. I know it takes time but at only a few weeks on this journey I am sick of the feelings of sadness and loneliness. My husband couldn't stand for me to cry and I do way to much of it now!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the information. I have a doctor's appt. Monday and I am going to ask for some Ativan. I was so nervous last night with the high wind--so stupid of me--it was only wind--no storms. Why am I so scared of everything? Because I'm all alone in this house without that other voice saying, "It's okay Honey. Everything is okay."
ReplyDeleteThe stress was so hard on me, I kept it all inside and never properly dealt with it. It will be 4 years this coming May since I lost my husband. We had a large car collection and garage, and a house full of antiques and collectibles. I had some help in the garage, but it took a long time to sell all that stuff, downsize and I finally moved into a 720 square foot house last April. The other house is finally closing next week. Not only do we miss our spouse, but there is a monumental amount of things to take care of. And it does go on and on. I still cannot tolerate large amounts of stress, even with things a lot simpler now. It's almost like I am recovering from a major illness or accident. I probably should be doing better than I am. By most people's standards I have a very good life, little debt, a decent job. It's hard to rebuild a life for yourself. Must keep trying. My heart goes out to every one of you.
ReplyDeleteStress....! It will be 10 years on the 20th of this month that I lost my husband, best friend and business partner. He died 16 days after finding out that he had cancer, he had just turned 53. We were married over 32 years. When the doctor told us that he had 3 months to live, my body and mind went numb. The next day it was changed from 3 months to live - to one month. He died a week later.
ReplyDeleteI had to keep the business going since it was my only source of income. A week after his funeral, the mail contained a letter from the IRS. Dealing with the accountant that was hired by my husband was a nightmare. (I got rid of him) I gave up and found the info myself, pulled the info for the following year while I was doing it, and sure enough, two weeks later the IRS letter wanting info for the next year was in the mail. I didn't get upset - I put the info I had already pulled in an envelope and sent it off. That was the end of it!
The best stress reliever for me was when a guy from an investment firm called (which was 6 months after my husband died) and said that he had talked to my husband on the golf course the previous week and he had asked him to call. I asked the guy to please hold so I could go dig him up........I put him on hold, composed myself, asked the guy to do me a favor....next time you talk to him, please tell him to call his wife because she has a few bones to pick with him since he died 6 months ago "YOU IDIOT"! Hopefully he lost his job!
Today March 4th starts my 10th year of reliving the next 16 days and pondering all the things that never came to be and never will. Even though my life is still fairly stressful, I'm alive and can live it as I wish.
One thing that I'm thankful for is that my husband used to travel a lot for work. I was used to being alone & dealing with problems with the kids, work and repairs. That is probably the greatest gift that I ever received from him. A strong attitude to deal with anyone and everything. If you think you can't make it, step back, take a breath and know that you're not alone and you can do anything even though you might think you can't.
LOL you do keep hitting it right on the head!
ReplyDeleteAll the comments here about the pounding heart, OCD about little things, worrying about money etc. thanks ladies for sharing them. I'd actually been wondering if I had heart trouble! I didn't have this until the initial pain of loss had subsided a bit. (It's been a year for me)
The best way I've found so far is making time for prayer each day (and trying not to jump up and "take care of things" in the middle of it), working out, and telling myself it's OK to let things go for a bit. I get crazy about stupid little stuff around the house, like a piece of paper than needs to go in the recycle bin, stuff like that.
I guess it's part of building that new life we all hear about, like it or not. Most grateful for all the insights and I'll be returning to this blog often!
LOL. I am still dealing with it. But I went through the same. Often my stress was worsened by my own self analyzing. Terrible thing it is. What I have found is Tai Chi helps, Fresh air away from those you know, walks, and ... learning to make your mind shut up.
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