Thank you very much for Speaking Up! last week. I received so much positive reinforcement that it reminded me that by hosting this forum I am not only helping myself but others.
Positive reinforcement. I forgot how much I missed it. Lane was very good at it. He was quick with a compliment but to me positive reinforcement is more than that. He helped me find confidence when mine was low. He patiently listened to me when I needed to vent. He helped me figure out how to solve problems at work, with the kids or whatever. He believed in me. He truly thought I could do anything if I put my mind to it.
I've adjusted to life without much positive reinforcement. I trust my instincts and do the best I can. But some days it is really hard not to hear Lane say "Good job Pie."
Where do you get your positive reinforcement?
Sue
I got my reinforcement by reading a book The Secret. It was like a bible. I read it every day. Then I was still lost until I found your forum. It so nice to know someone else has the same feelings as I do. Lots of women feel the same as I do. You just spell it out so clearly, thank you
ReplyDeleteMy three adult daughters are my positive reinforcement. They all live out-of-state but make it a point to include me in their schedule with frequent uplifts. Still, I miss my husband's wisdom. He had a calm demeanor and handled any adversity head on. Needless to say, I still have a ways to go but I manage to not doubt myself so much.
ReplyDeleteI routinely meditate, read, listen to audios on positive thinking and manifesting change. Most importantly, my church activities provide a spiritual source of optimism. Do I still feel inept sometimes? YES! I am so grateful this site gives me that extra boost when needed.
This is a hard one to answer; because for many of us the truth is, positive reinforcement is very hard to come by.
ReplyDeleteAfter a while my family and friends just took it for granted that I had "made it thru ok", because I didn't say much about my real feelings of discouragement, loneliness, or missing my husband so much it still hurt. I learned to keep these things inside.
I've found it comes from unexpected people, even strangers, and when I'm not seeking it.
This topic provoked me to get in touch with who now provides the positive reinforcement my husband once did.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I gained a lot of self-confidence from going through my husband's cancer ordeal with him -- being a competent care-giver and utilizing resources. I realized that I had strength I didn't know I had.
Now, my positive reinforcement comes by way of family, friends and other widows who have been helpful and encourageing.
I read, meditate, practice a breathing technique and check into this site where you generously share your journey with me.
I look up and ask, "How am I doing Hon?" I think he'd be proud of me, like he was about all of my achievements -- this being the most challenging.
i guess my positive reinforement came from my husband. he told me i would be able to go on after he was gone,when i told him i would't be able to.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, I thought about this and realized that I am not getting positive reinforcement. I have been a widow for only five weeks and I guess people think they are giving me positive reinforcement when they say, "You are so strong." Little do they know how much I bawl. So, maybe I come across as not needing positive reinforcement. But if I let my true emotions be known, I would squirm with embarrassment knowing that people are pitying me. So, after thinking about it, I guess I have to say that I am sort of positively reinforcing myself by journaling my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI am in need of positive reinforcement. I have read about in-laws "divorcing" the widow and child, but what about my case? My husband's sister, whom I do not like and has not been in our lives, suddenly decided at my husband's funeral in June 2011, that she was going to be an aunt to my 2 little girls ages 8 and 11. Never mind the 21 year old son whom my husband raised as his own- she's not interested in him or trying to be a friend to me. She just wants to take my girls and when I said no, she hollered at me and told me I needed to chill, deal, and she threatened me she is not going anywhere. Her and her husband even quit their jobs and they just sold their home and are right now looking for a new home nearby. Her father is still alive in my town and her husband's family lives 2 towns over. She is unhappily married, wealthy, 47, and childless. She even told me I should mourn and then celebrate the fact that I get my own life now, which is what she is waiting for, her husband to die so she can "live." She is giving me much anxiety. She called my father in law who visits our home 1x a week and gives me money weekly for groceries, and now he is giving me a hard time also. He says no matter what, that I am wrong and she as an aunt, has a right to see my kids. She is a complete stranger to them. Since yelling at me, threatening me and even relocating here, I am quite upset that I am dealing with a nut! What do I do? I am sorry- I know this is not a forum to ask questions but to write comments, but I am truly at wits end here and worried, especially for my kids welfare. I feel it is my job to protect them and I do not feel my sister in law is a nice person from what she has said to me. What do I do? Anyone else have this problem?
ReplyDeleteBe your own person in where my positive reinforcement comes from... I learned alot about myself and being my own person and what I could do when faced with a dying husband who at one time was brilliant, in control and alive. 15 months of watching him deteriorate was enough for me. he was gone mentally far before the physical death came, I started living before he took that last breath, he knew it, he approved of it in the only way that he could,(he was aphasic and paralyzed from strokes). I count myself fortunate to have a sound support system of his family and my friends they know I am weak at times and allow me to be so, my freedom is my strength.
ReplyDeletei am in need of support as i lost my husband on jan 30, 2012 i am just 37 and 3 kids at home i just cant stand the thought of ...my husband has passed on...its only been 13 days or so my i am hurting , physically and emotionally i just miss him so badly...
ReplyDeleteI really miss the positive reinforcement from my husband. He was always there with a "great job honey" or " you're so beautiful" . I never realized how important that was . I found my confidence really low after he died. I had trouble making decisions and doubted every single one I made. Other people see things differently. I think the key to getting much needed positive reinforcement is to hang out with positive people. It rubs off. Off topic but learned a new saying a couple of weeks ago..one I am using daily....Fear Less....Live More.
ReplyDeleteIt will be a year since I lost my husband within seven weeks. Every day I feel worse than the day before, I cannot wait till I join him.
ReplyDeleteDear Annonymous Feb 10 at 2:55PM
ReplyDeleteDo you have anyone you can lean on and help you deal with this sister-in-law? People who move-in on us and try to take over our life (is wrong)... especially when we are numb from the shock of death of our life partner. This sister-in law needs back off. Being an "aunt" or having money does not give her any right to take over. Sounds like she may dominate your father-in-law too.
You need time to just be with your kids and talk and cry together.
Do you have a sibling or a friend or your parents, or even a pastor, that would help you stand against this sister-in-law? You need time to work through this emotional loss with your kids.
If you are able to leave for awhile, you might think about it... take your kids and leave for awhile.
I have experienced a lot of dominating people in my life... people may "think" they know what's best for us when we are in mourning and shock.
Many of them meant well, but they don't understand--even though they "think" they do. We need positive reinforcement, not negative control. These things drain the life right out of us.
I hope you have someone who is on "your side" and will help you during this difficult time.
It's so easy to get trapped into thinking I can't trust myself anymore, I've lost so much, I must not be thinking straight. Don't be afraid, you know the truth of how important the need is... to be together with your family and that you are going to make it through. Be strong--ask for help & positive reinforcement. My heart goes out to you. Anne
Typically I am a take charge, independent person who likes to be on top of things. I can say since my husband died there are moments where I fall into mini panic attacks when I realize it's just me now, my back up is gone. At that point I can't be alone and I either call up a close friend to cry/talk to or get myself into some kind of distracting physical activity...house cleaning, gym, go for a walk. Then the feelings of helplessness subside and my mind returns. Perspective helps a lot...when my head is clear, I can see my irrational thoughts that led me to the panic attack, and I can reason my way out. Then I feel much better and stronger for hanging in there and not letting the fear kick my butt.
ReplyDelete