Like most of you, my life has been a series of ups and downs. In college I was diagnosed and treated for cancer. That was a down. Moving into my first apartment and being so excited about living in a big city was a definite up.
Over the years, work and friends both treated me to real emotional highs and lows. Looking back I realize how easy it was to get excited or feel let down by others. Family, of course, creates a lot of emotional upheaval. Some of it made me crazy happy, some if it made me crazy mad and some, crazy sad.
Meeting and marrying Lane was the greatest emotional experience of my life. I really did not understand my capacity to love someone until we got together. It was wonderful to be able to share happy times and be there to comfort one another when things weren't so great.
Now emotionally, I have flat-lined. I never feel really happy and truthfully I never feel really sad. Mostly I don't feel. I am pretty good at faking it, which sounds so awful when I say it out loud.
Am I the only one who has flat-lined emotionally since losing her husband?
Sue
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Flat Lined! What a perfect description of the emotional roller coaster. We cry most of the time and in between we flat line. I have tried to get interested in activities since my Don was taken from me, but nothing helps. My mind just doesn't seem to function anymore and I have panic attacks every day. Not to mention that I have almost had a couple of car wrecks. Life sucks when you become a widow.
ReplyDeleteYou hit that one outta the park. Yes, yes, yes! Although I've now reached a new normal, it has none of the dimensional edges life had before my husband died. And here I thought it was me.
ReplyDeleteWow, what a timely post, I was commenting to a friend from the past my emptional state and I also refer to this time as flat linned, and how I just smile and move on, The reason this came up was his comments to me were so kind they made me cry. I cried for someone or something other than my lost husband or my life, maybe the pulse is starting to beat again???
ReplyDeleteI wish I could get past all of this stuff. I just can't seem to. I also feel nothing. I do best when I am out of the house doing anything, but being alone. I go to exercise three times a week and then I try to do other things just so I won't have to be at home. There is nothing at home for me anymore. I miss my husband more each day he is gone and I have no idea how to fix that. I am not interested in another relationship nor am I interested in the things people suggest I do. I am just not interested, period!! How do I get past this flat line.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I hope this gets sent, because I can't seem to get it sent on my computer so I am using a friends. Maybe someone could tell me what I am doing wrong.
"Flat lined" is the perfect description... really nothing will EVER fill the hole that 40 years of life with someone who has been there every moment walking through life with me. HOW could it? It seems when I began to accept that NOTHING could really even begin to fill that big hole--it helped me to move on
ReplyDeleteOur children, our family, our friends try TOO HARD sometimes to help fill that hole. You love them for it because you know they just want you to be happy again. IF only it were that easy.
It's been four years since my life-long love died. I spent many a day weeping uncontrollably, and still do at times, it's exhausting, depressing, scary and just awful, but looking back... it was needed. Don't be afraid to let it out. Sometimes I felt physically sick because I cried so much. It scared me at times. Emotions wear me out, but it was MUCH worse when I faked it too much. Telling yourself to be strong ALL the time is POISON----- especially those of us who think our Christian faith... needs to shine and we need to show others, how strong we are in God. It's ok to weep a lot and be angry and deeply sad. God understands our heart and loss.
I still feel like things are pretty empty and meaningless at times, but as we travel down this lonely loveless road as flat-liners, there are other joys that pop up and touch my heart. It's never that deep secure content feeling I used to have, but I am beginning... JUST beginning... to feel like "maybe" life will be livable again.
I will NEVER be the same, but this is that second chapter of life. It's never going to be as good as the first chapter--it can't be, there's not enough time left.
This second chapter of life sucks most of the time, but some things that has helped me are: making myself meet "new" friends(who have lost their husbands)someone I can really talk to--trying things that I've never tried before--doing a silly pottery class--writing in a gratitude journal--selling some crafty things on ETSY--writing down my thoughts on blogs like this one--THANKS SUE!
I even took a trip to France--couldn't really afford it, I felt pretty wreckless doing it; but who cares--at this point. I just wanted to do it----so I DID it! I've always analyzed and made secure and "right" decisions my whole life.
Well, I'm done with "reasonable". It's been scary and insane sometimes, but it has helped me to feel a tiny bit like myself again. It just takes lots and lots of TIME and TEARS and COURAGE. It's so hard to dream again when you feel so flat-lined... dreaming alone is just plain disgusting, it's a hole.
so... it may not seem like much, but learning to ask myself, what small silly dream "could" make me smile even just a litle bit--was a beginning for me.
I have been a widow for almost 2 years and it is very hard. I was married for 36 years and my life will never be the same. My husband suffer for 8 months with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Our lives were together and now sure how to go on without him
ReplyDeleteYes, flatlined. Everything has a tinge of grey around it. Things get done mostly on "autmatic pilot", and there are many times I feel a like I'm standing outside myself and watching life as an observer.
ReplyDeleteIt takes too much strength to let myself feel emotions, they seem to have died along with my husband, and our life together. When people are rude, thoughtless, say things that could really hurt me if I let it; it doesn't matter, I walk away silent and try not to put myself in that place again. I've found being alone is sometimes more tolerable than being with those who do not understand.
Life, it seems a puzzle, and right now the pieces are all over the floor; scattered so much that it may never be put back together again.
There is a lot of mercy in being flatlined.
Anne's comments are so inspiring to me. At 3 yrs now in my second chapter of life, I too, struggle sometimes to find solace. The hole in my heart is still there after 38 years of sharing all of life's ups and downs with my husband. Doing it alone has gone from devastating to bearable but I certainly need continued encouragement.
ReplyDeleteAs I become stronger in my efforts to enjoy life as best I can, I have found that my attitude has a lot to do with my success.
It is 'hit and miss' sometimes, but I have managed to involve myself with outside interests, doing things alone or with friends, that leaves me feeling fullfilled rather than anxious or depressed. Of course, being a woman of faith does help when I have those periods of despair. Meditating on God's promises moves me on into this next chapter!
Following this site with all of you sharing your feelings motivates me with new perspectives. Hopefully, I can become more proactive with making new goals.
It has only been 5 months since my husband was killed in an accident. It seems like 5 days. I look to find joy in something everyday; but it feels fake. My head tells me I am blessed. I had and have a good life,I'm just indifferent about things.
ReplyDeleteI am only at 9 months and have started to have some better days but often they bring guilt. I know it shouldn't and my husband would have been the last person on earth to want me to feel that - but I do. On a few warm days I've found some peace and contentment while gardening and it felt wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes think I am working toward flat lining. I take an anti anxiety medication (small dosage) to help cope and on bad days I reward myself with a sleeping pill. Often it seems like feeling less is all I hope for.
It has only been 5 months since my husband of 50 years died after an 8 month struggle with a rare and difficult cancer. At first I felt relief for him and for me, but then devastating loss and lonliness that was unbearable.
ReplyDeleteI find that now I'm beginning to move out of my deepest grief and into a kind of limbo -- not knowing what to do about my future: where to live, when to sell my property, etc.
Currently, I am surrounded by friends and relatives who are being challenged, physically and emotionally, and find myself now able to empathize, get out of my own navel as it were. I see this as progress toward healing.
I've decided to give myself time, lots of time, try not to rush into decisions. This has helped me to relax, trusting that when the time is right I'll know what to do.
Sue -- thank you for this blog. I have found it to be one of the best -- the women sharing are intellegent and thoughtful.
Sue, I hear you. After my husband died, I dipped into the darkness, flat lined and spent ALOT of time faking it. It was the only way I could get through the day sometimes. You're not alone. Many widows have read my widow memoir, Twenty-Eight Snow Angels, and identified with much of my journey. Available on Amazon. My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteMy husband died suddenly on Christmas Eve. I haven't flat-lined but feel raw pain. Like a wound. I miss him so much. I'm thankful for the good memories, but each hint of things he did and said is like a little stab of grief. I am comforted being surrounded by his things though. I've put on his hoodie when I go to bed.
ReplyDeleteThis is all so true, seems I just function as I have to, seems no meaning without my husband, tomorrow will mark the first year since he has been gone, now I wonder what will I do with the rest of my life, I have 3 grown children and grandchildren but no one can replace my husband, we were together 51 years and without him sometime I don't know I will ever make it, this site is wonderful to hear that so many are going through what I am, knowing I am not alone.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly how I feel "flatlined" I have no happy or sad feelings. I just try not to feel anything. I know I have not felt any real joy or happiness since my Richie die 03/07/10. It coming on the second aniversary not sure how that will be. But I'm sure I will just keep doing what I have been doing since he die. I don't do the pretending anymore that I am happy since it is just a lie. I do get some peace from knowing that I am not alone that I can read all your comments and know that what I feel is ok. Thank you Sue you have really help me understand this jouney that I am on.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel I really don't have happieness just feel empty. My son tells me thst I was always happy and full of life before my husband died, He said I haven't been the same. I don't feel the same and not sure I ever will
ReplyDeleteI feel nothing at this time. I get up everyday because I have to. I have two teenage kids that need me so I keep going for them. When you experience this kind of loss of the person who was your everything, life just does not have the same meaning as before. I feel like all of my dreams and plans for our future died with my husband. It will be a year next month, however I am still numb. I try to pretend that I am doing fine when people ask, however I cry everyday because I miss him so much. No one can understand this flatline feeling unless they have lost their love. Life seemed so simple and happy when I had my husband by my side.
ReplyDeleteFlatlined - like my husband's 51 year old heart. No longer a purpose. Faking it with everyone. Just filling time and space.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of hugs to you lolo... Thinking about you today on your 1 year mark. Trish...
ReplyDeleteditto...to 0535 1/26/12 post
ReplyDeletethis whole journey/process whatever fancy word one may call it..TRAGIC NIGHTMARE!for me; also has same Flatlined effect on me after 2yrs w/out my hubby I happily shared life of secure contentment for 40yrs..just Keep N mind ur not alone in this journey; were all here w/ ya
We thank Sue Larrison for this place to Vent..
I, too, feel 'flat lined.' Not raging, not ebullient, just numb. I'm about 10 days away from the eighth month anniversary of losing my love to cancer. Even though our daughter is in the midst of planning her June wedding, and I should be truly excited and happy, I have to feign my enthusiasm. It will be a bittersweet day for all of us without him there, If I cannot truly feel upbeat and positive about my only daughter getting married, I'm afraid there's not much hope for me being interested in anything. Nothing seems to matter to me anymore and I know that this hole inside me will never be filled. Every new experience is tinged with so much regret that he isn't here to witness it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this blog, Sue, your posts always seem to hit the mark with me.
I am just ten days away for my one year without my other half. I too feel flatlined but am trying to get some feelings back. Molly my only daughter is getting married this year also and she wants her moms input even when I don't want to give it. It still doesn't seem real I keep waiting for him to come through the front door. I hope and pray I can feel joy again I would like to be happy for my daughter on her wedding day I know if is going to be very hard for both of us. Sue thank you for this blog one thing about it we know we are not alone.
ReplyDeleteLike each of you I feel as if I do nothing but "kill time"....I think there is a song about killing time. Nothing can fill the hole that the love of my life left when he died 9 months ago. Yes, I am thankful for my sons and grandchildren...but that too is bitter sweet because each "thing" that happens needs to be shared with him and he is not here to share. All of the feelings shared just validate what each of us is going through. My daily prayer is to have the opportunity to be with him. If I must go on then....please God give me a purpose and the strength and calmness to do what is needed. Fifty years of happiness and now so lonely even in crowd of people who truly love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm 22 days from my 1 year mark of my beautiful husband's death. The whole year has been a weird blurr. I've never gone thru so many emotions. For the most part, lately, I stay pretty upbeat and busy. He's always on my mind and in my heart. It's been quite the Roller Coaster ride this year, but I'm passionate enough about life to make my future shine. I just want to get to the 1 year mark, but I will always reserve my days when I need my alone time. Kent wouldn't want me to give up and be sad. Sweetie is going forward with a happy heart... Trish...
ReplyDeleteThis is the first time I've visited this site and on reading the comments, I can appreciate all your feelings. I lost my husband to cancer 2 years ago and yes, it has been the most difficult road I have ever traveled. We were blessed with a large family and so many events come up and oh how I wish he were here to share them with me. He is my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. We had 48 years together and our marriage was always full of laughter and now there is no one here to laugh with or share stories with anymore. I try to keep busy, I like to cook and entertain and this has been a saving grace for me. I have so many wonderful memories of our life together, but everytime they cross my mind, I still cry because they hurt.
ReplyDeleteI ask the good Lord everyday to give me the strength and courage to go on.
Thank you Sue for the opportunity to express my feelings.
MY HUSBAND DIED FROM CANCER, AND I TOOK CARE OF HIM FOR 4YRS. OF HIM DOING CHEMO.
ReplyDeleteWE WERE MARRIED 44YRS.
JULY WILL MAKE 3 YRS. OF BEING ALONE, AND THINGS HAVE BECOME BEARABLE NOW. LIFE FOR ME WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. I AM NOT THE PERSON I WAS.
I GOT THROUGH ALL THE HOLIDAYS, BUT NOW IT IS JAN. AND I FEEL LIKE I AM NOW FLATLINING TOO.
BEING ABLE TO READ ABOUT OTHERS HERE HAS HELPED ME TO NOT FEEL SO ALONE ANYMORE.
Just lost my husband last Monday totally lost and confused and heart broken
ReplyDeleteMy beloved died on New Year's morning. I 'Handled" everything just fine. All the arrangements, the donating of his things, even changing the den around so it wouldn't remind me of him so much. We had a wonderful 7 years. At first, those memories made me smile. Then I felt relief that the constant worry and stress about his illness was over. Everyone marveled at how well I was doing. I flat-lined last night and can't quit crying today. Delayed reaction? The full realization is setting in? The one person I want to talk to about this is gone! How in the world are we suppose to go on?
ReplyDeleteOne year for me on Feb.1st and feel flatlined as well. This last year has been such a rollercoaster of raw emotions and devastation that it seems the heart and soul reach a point of needing to just "flatline" because living this way becomes unsustainable. It feels like being taken down into hell over and over and the energy required in cyring and feeling so achingly lonely is harder work than anyone will ever have to do. It is simply put, exhausting.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it has shaved years of my own life which is a relief in that I will not hopefully have to spend many years without him (I am a midlife widow of 55, 54 when he died).
Thinking of all you ladies and thanking Sue and everyone for this blog.
Only him walking through that door and giving me his grin and embrace and kiss could ever again satisfy or bring me any sense of joy or purpost in life.
I recently lost my husband on Feb 10,2012. I too feel like I am living in hell over and over again. I spend alot of time crying and it truly is exhausting. I am also 54 and wish I was older to shorten the time until I can be with him again. I am just existing in this body going thru the motion of life.
DeleteDear Judy Miller,
ReplyDeleteFor me, things were easier in the very beginning as well -- the relief, the work, making changes, responding to loved ones. I was surrounded by people willing to help, checking in on me. And then, when other's lives returned to normal, it all came down to the realization that I was alone, that he was gone, that there was no one to share this with, and it was so much harder, my grief raw and unrelenting. But, this too eventually became bearable. It is never easy as I ride waves of grief and then quiet. For me, I can see a change, a healing. I don't expect to ever be that contented married woman I was before my loss, but I intend to survive, one day at a time. My best to you in such a recent loss.
Two years later I still have hard times. I do try to get out but it isn't the same. I miss the fun that we had for 37 years. I keep telling myself that he'd want me to go on. Please keep writing everyone! We can help each other!
ReplyDeleteits been 4 months i still cant stop crying .I try to be strong most of the time but in few days after being strong i fall back.I miss his phone calls and wish everything to be a nightmare
ReplyDeleteThey tell us that time will heal...but is our grief an illness that time will heal? I was also told that I must sever my emotional bond to my husband so that I can move on...move on to where? How can I sever my bond with him? He was half of me for 55 years. I don't have any memories that he didn't play a part in. I had his children. I need him.
ReplyDeleteTo WJH
ReplyDeleteHow can we sever the emotional bond we had with our husbands? I don't expect to. I was married for 55 years as well and can barely remember a time without him.
I also lost a child 40 years ago and know that the emotional bond I had with my child will never be severed.
I will go on through the rest of my life scarred from my losses, but still, hopefully, able to be a functioning part of the life I'm stuck in. Alone.
When "healing" has been mentioned to me, I consider it to be like an open wound beginning to seal over, not hurting as much, but still showing evidence of the injury that will never go away.
You are so right, anonymous, it is an open, bleeding wound where we were ripped apart. The profuse bleeding has slowed and maybe someday the hole will begin to seal over, leaving an ugly scar. I am so sorry about the loss of your child and husband. Do you sometime in your sleep hear him or your child calling you? It has happened to me twice and I awakened answering him. What a crushing let-down when I realized it was a dream.The person who said that I must sever the emotional bond was young and had never been faced with grief or loss. I find that grief leaves no energy for anything but making it through the day. I hope your wound is beginning to seal over.
ReplyDeleteI have read all of your posts and I know how it is. Flatlined is an excellant description of how I feel. I put on the fake smile when I go to work and fool everyone they all think I have gotten over Wayne's death. There are some things you just don't get over. I lost my youngest son 26 yrs ago and I have not gotten over it. I have learned to live with it but I will never get over it. Last March I was diagosed with Cancer and I didn't even ask why me? Rather I asked Ok what's next? I feel like I have gotten my answer to that question and I can't say I like it. My mother was hospitalized again at Christmas and I am finally having to face that the fact the my light that has always been there when my life has been a sea a darkness is going out. I know it is coming and I don't want it to happen. I miss my Wayne so much we were married for 15 years and we were still having fun together and we joked about how long our love affair was going to last. We were more in love with each other on our 15th annivesary than the day we married. There are times when for a moment I forget that he's gone. I still have his last message on my cell and I call my voice mail every now and then just to hear is voice one more time and hear him say "hey baby we are going to leave in a few minutes I love you". I am so glad that I called him right back I got those last few minutes to talk and joke with him. He never made it to the car. I decide to change jobs just before the 3rd anniversary of his passing and took a job nobody really wanted. I just could not stand to sit behind a desk chained to a computer 40hrs a week. I went for the adventure job I am only home 1/2 the time. Although I am not in the military I do work for Uncle Sam and I go where ever they go that we do not have permanent base i.e where they shot at you. Some people joke and say I must have a death wish. Hmmm could they be right???? Sometimes yes and other times no. The best advice I can give all the other widows out there is do nothing for the 1st. year make no decisions that you absolutely don't have to. It doesn't hurt a thing if his clothes are still in the closet, his car is in the driveway and you still own the hunting cabin. I must say 6 1/2 years later and I still own a complete machine shop but not for long I want a new kitchen so all those machines are going. Do things in your own time and in you own way. There is no right way or wrong way to deal with the loss of your spouse just your way and it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else but you.
ReplyDeleteI am 55 and my husband passed away 8mts ago. I am completely lost as to what to do with the rest of MY life. I do not know where to start or how to start my life alone. My options are endless at this point but I cannot move, I feel paralayzed. What is wrong with me? I've always been a very strong and independent woman and have always been able to function normally. Now,I feel like a prisoner in my own body. Where do I start? What do I do? How do I get a new life at my age?
ReplyDeleteto D prior post; Feb 5,2012 0722 AM
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong w/ you..its all byproduct of suddenly finding ourselves w/out our spouses not by choice. Am still having the lost, paralyzed feeling just like you feel, after 2yrs since my sudden loss of my hubby of 40 yrs doing almost everything together. Still feels like only yesterday I last saw him. Guess One Day @ a Time analogy is all I can do & has taken me this far..altho didnt think I'd lasted this long & will cont to grieve,missing how it was. My job is a welcome temporary distraction..but @ the end of the day..am still w/out him. Im 61 & so lookin forward to planned retirement w/ him. I feel cheated..Prayers to us all in this journey; One Day @ a Time has become painfully real for me after 2yrs 2mos w/out my Tommy.
OMG, you have described how I feel but could not put into words. Thank you! That is why I stay in touch with these boards because no one else "gets" it.
ReplyDeleteI let myself completely flat line when I am alone. The smile disappears, my shoulders slump, I lay on his side of the bed and hug the pillow. Some days are better than others, but even after nearly 4 years, I know I would walk a million miles if I could have just one more hug.
ReplyDeleteThis spring it will be 7 years since I lost my husband of 17 years (very suddenly). I too am a "flatliner" - even though he has been gone for some years now. It seems like just yesterday. You never get over it, you just learn to attempt to live with the idea that they are gone. I too have that feeling of not wanting to be with anyone else (no dating, no dancing, etc). I'm a fairly youngish widow, so some have expectations that I will remarry; but I will not. The love of my life is gone. I have not dated and just find the idea repulsive. No one could ever compare to the one I had..
ReplyDeleteHow can I find peace? Even surrounded by people I feel lonely, lost
ReplyDeleteGod bless us all
ReplyDelete