A friend told me that she thought it was great that I wasn’t afraid of anything. I laughed because this “compliment” was so far from the truth.
When Lane first died I began feeling afraid a lot. I felt anxiety when I entered my own home. I would turn on a bunch of lights and put the television to get some life into the house. When I heard “house noises” like the furnace or a branch on the roof I was uneasy. I had irrational fears that my car might break down on a dark road or that I would forget to lock the door at night. I’m not sure what I expected to happen but it did make me feel anxious and afraid.
In time I conquered the everyday anxieties but had a hard time shaking the fear of failure. I had a fear of ruining the business that we had worked so hard to establish. I feared I wasn’t strong enough to keep it successful.
I had social fears as well and to some degree still do. Feeling like I didn’t fit in anywhere made me fearful to go to family gatherings or out with friends. I feared being exposed as uninteresting and dull so I kept myself isolated from others.
On the other hand, I also began to be more open to risks. I went zip lining and scuba diving which I had never considered doing before Lane died.
I no longer fear dying which I guess is one of the biggest fears there is.
So now what do I fear? Not much. I just try and go with flow. I do what is comfortable for me and I try not to put myself in a situation that makes me anxious or fearful.
What are you afraid of?