A friend told me that she thought it was great that I wasn’t afraid of anything. I laughed because this “compliment” was so far from the truth.
When Lane first died I began feeling afraid a lot. I felt anxiety when I entered my own home. I would turn on a bunch of lights and put the television to get some life into the house. When I heard “house noises” like the furnace or a branch on the roof I was uneasy. I had irrational fears that my car might break down on a dark road or that I would forget to lock the door at night. I’m not sure what I expected to happen but it did make me feel anxious and afraid.
In time I conquered the everyday anxieties but had a hard time shaking the fear of failure. I had a fear of ruining the business that we had worked so hard to establish. I feared I wasn’t strong enough to keep it successful.
I had social fears as well and to some degree still do. Feeling like I didn’t fit in anywhere made me fearful to go to family gatherings or out with friends. I feared being exposed as uninteresting and dull so I kept myself isolated from others.
On the other hand, I also began to be more open to risks. I went zip lining and scuba diving which I had never considered doing before Lane died.
I no longer fear dying which I guess is one of the biggest fears there is.
So now what do I fear? Not much. I just try and go with flow. I do what is comfortable for me and I try not to put myself in a situation that makes me anxious or fearful.
What are you afraid of?
Sue
Wow you really nailed it on this one for me. I used to be afraid to fly when I had my husband to come home to. Now I no longer have a fear of flying -- or a fear of dying. I feel in the future I will become more of a risk taker -- doing things I would never have thought of before. For me right now I am afraid to sell the house we built together. Afraid to meet new people as a single person. He was the extrovert and I went along for the ride. Do you ever stop yearning for the life you had and wish you had appreciated it more?
ReplyDeleteMy biggest fear is that I will never again feel that special bond with someone. That I will get cold and withdrawn because I'm not sharing my love. That I will be viewed as pathetic in trying to maybe find love again. That if I were in a accident, nobody would really care. All of these are unfounded as I have a wonderful family, but you asked,
ReplyDeleteFor over 30 yrs. I took care of the elderly, mostly home-health care; and many of them til there death. I took care of my mother also, til she died in 2008.
ReplyDeleteI observed a lot of different family situations, and abuses. Grown kids who dropped by only occassionally, sometimes only on holidays, some seniors were abandoned altogether. I watched how they treated their parents. They didn't know them anymore, treated them very disrespectfully, never really listened to them, and spoke to them like they were ignorant children. Over the years, I began to dread growing old, losing my strength, and having to put up with being treated that way. I took care of many precious widow's, and got to know them. They enriched my life with their wisdom; once I gained their respect enough that they would even open up to me. Seniors learn to become silent, because they know almost no one really cares.
Now I'm a widow, and growing old too; and have to face what comes. I hope I can do with as much dignity, wisdom and peace as I've seen in many of the widow's I took care of over the years.
I'm afraid of getting sick. I'm afraid of facing cancer or needing help and feeling like a burden because I don't have a partner to help me through. It's been 9 months since my sweet husband died unexpectedly and my day to day fears are going away some. I now know how to get the car inspected, finally got the electricity in my name and am a pro at filling up the car with gas. I get to work and back and have kept the house from falling apart. I (usually) no longer freak out when I come home to a quiet house and don't have anyone to talk with or eat supper with.
ReplyDeleteBut, I'm still afraid of getting really sick.
I fear being alone after 26 jears in marrige i lost mu best friend and mu love .i canot go in gathering ,wen my husband dia part of me is gonee they sad after 1 jear will be li easy but is not i mes him avery day .
ReplyDeleteI'm actually braver about things now than I used to be... I am no longer afraid of dying or of things that go bump in the night. Maybe it's because I feel I've already been through the worst the world could throw at me and survived, or maybe it's knowing that I have my own special guardian angel to protect me. The only thing that really frightens me now is the possibility of living a long life without my love. I turn 60 next month, and though he's only been gone 7 months, it already feels like an eternity. The possibility of living the next 30 years (my parents both lived very long lives) without him to share it with really scares me.
ReplyDeleteAs of yesterday, I'm 11 months in my journey. In the beginning I was afraid of everything (bills, decisions, death, sickness, people, noises, darkness, cemetary, hopitals, raising children, going out and not being able to go forward). Time and determination of conquering these things helps. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and the fear subsided. I've come a long way in a short time. I'm proud of myself and my husband is smiling down on me. I don't fear too much anymore. I do fear the 1 year annivarsary of his death Feb. 18th. Will I fall apart? Will I go 10 steps backwards again? Will all that has happend since his death catch up with me? I'm doing so good, I don't want to crumble again. Should I take a road trip? Run away for the day? I fear the annivarsary of his death. I'm not a big fan of the number 18 anymore. The countdown is on... Feb. 18th... Staying strong and missing my husband... Trish...
ReplyDeleteMolly said it right. The fear of living many more years without my soul-mate is terrifying.
ReplyDeleteI took care of my husband during his awful illness. I don't want my children or their spouses or my grandchildren to have to do the private and intimate things that I had to do for my husband near the end. I am glad that I was able to do those things for him and wish I had been able to do them better. It is possible to grieve to death, but it sure seems to take a long time.
the only thing i'm afraid of now is dying alone, yet i have no wish at this point to be in any kind of relationship. isn't that odd.
ReplyDeleteit's irrational and i can recognize that. i just think it's part of the process.
I was afraid of every aspect of living alone for the first time in my life at age 61. After three years, I have gained confidence in managing the basics. However, financial security is still scary. I am now retired and fear running out of future resources. Not to mention health issues.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, I am reluctant to seek a relationship (fear?), I do miss the companionship that would make me feel close to someone special. In the meantime, I will try to maintain a vibrant attitude and take care of myself.
My biggest fear is what if I can not support myself and our two children. It will be a year on February 8th and I know that I have kept us going now for almost a year. My husband supported us and now it is up to me. I was so use to having him to lean on for everything and now I am on my own.
ReplyDeleteI fear everything. Things that I breezed through are now overwhelming. I am 77 days into this awful existance. My sweetheart (married for 47 yrs. at 19 and 20) died suddenly due to complications of pneumonia just before the holidays. The only promise he did not keep -- growing old together. Now I am afraid to leave the house.
ReplyDeletei fear i'll have this sad,lonely,empty feeling the rest of my life. i am 3 months into my husbands passing tomorrow,valentine day. i'm still at the stage where ihate coming home to an empty house. walking in and he isn't in his chair. i avoid couples,i'm not jealous,i just wish it was us. i'm not afraid of dying anymore,i'll be ready to see him.
ReplyDeleteIn many ways I feel like I am in a state of suspended animation, just going through the motions of living. He's been gone for 9 months now, and it sounds wierd but sometimes I feel as if henever existed, as if he was only a dream. I see my son and his fiancee in their happy couplehood, and I feel like an outsider looking in. Today is Valentine's Day and my son was complaining about being broke, but his fiancee has been sick all week with an awful cold, and he's spending all his spare time fussing over her. I told him that that is much more important than all the hearts & flowers in the world. It's the little things you miss the most.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first Valentine's Day alone - my wonderful husband died in August 2011 - and today seems more difficult than Christmas and New Years (maybe since today celebrates a special love). I have read some of the other notes and I, too, find it difficult to be around people and am scared about a future without him. How do you get through each day?
ReplyDelete