Lane's birthday

Like every November 1, Tuesday is Lane's birthday.  He hated making a fuss about it but I had fun planning a special dinner or night out.  It is hard for me to imagine him 5 years older.  What would he have looked like?  How would he be feeling?  I will never see him grow old and sick which in a weird way is incredibly sad.

Lane was far from perfect.  No doubt about that.  But he did leave a legacy of kindness and consideration for his family to use as an example.  He taught us to listen to people when they spoke.  To be interested in others and the world around us.  And to treat everyone with respect.  In the scheme of life Lane was a simple man living a simple life.  But he made the world a better place because of his existence.

On his birthday I will spend the day working and doing what I always do.  Acting like it is an ordinary day.  But to me November 1 is a special day.  It was my husband's birthday.  And I really miss celebrating that day.

How do you feel on your husband's birthday?

Sue

Not quite the same

After your husband dies nothing is ever quite the same.  It has been five years for me and most aspects of my life and how I live it are not the same as they were.

Holidays aren't as joyful as they used to be.  Lane and I used to host a lot of the family functions but others have taken over.  Lane and I were a good team and I miss entertaining together.

Vacations of course are much different.  Instead of seeking interesting destinations I go visiting or just stay home.  I have done a few trips with another widow but for sure it was not the same for either of us.

Daily life goes on.  We all have responsibilities.  But for me life has fewer laughs, more tears and a feeling of loss that I never forget is there.

I say to all recent widows that in time you get used to being alone and doing things on your own.  There is no choice.  But nothing is ever quite the same.  And if you ask me, it stinks.

Do you agree that nothing is ever quite the same?

Sue

It's the little things

I woke up really early this morning.  I've never been a great sleeper so tossing and turning at 4am is not unusual for me.  As I tried to fall back asleep I could almost hear Lane breathing next to me.  I remembered similar mornings when he would turn over and ask me if I was ok.  Then he would pat my arm or put his hand on my back. It was a lovely gesture that reminded me how much loved me.

I guess it really is true - it's the little things that count.  Lane was really good at the little things.  For example, he would bring me flowers for no reason, go visit my Mom when I was out of town, hold my hand when we crossed a street and made sure I had plenty of gas in my car.

I wondered this morning if I ever thanked him for doing so many little things for me.  I think I did.  I hoped I did.

What little things did your husband do for you?

Sue

Dating

A close friend asked me why I have refused to enter the dating arena.  I got the usual lecture that Lane would want me to go on with my life and that I don't have to marry anyone, it's just a date.  I must say that my friend almost made dating sound like fun.  I said almost.

Well, I have had a few dates in the last couple years.  The first man was very nice but was very needy so it didn't work for me.  Another guy told me I should dye my hair and wear my clothes tighter.  And these loving comments were made after he asked me to pick up the check.  I had a date with a man who was successful, funny and really cute.  On our second or third date he asked me how often I spoke with the devil.  Needless to say it didn't go anywhere. 

The dating conversation got me to thinking about dating and why I am so hesitant.  It really has nothing to do with Lane.  I just don't think I have much to offer anyone.  I feel so empty that there is nothing I could give anyone.  Secondly, I don't know if I could handle the rejection.  What if I like someone and he doesn't like me?  Or worse, what if he likes me?

My friend thinks these are poor excuses. That I should think about it.  Having dinner or seeing a movie with a man who has a sense of humor does sound like it could be fun.  Who knows?  I'll keep you posted.

Have you dated since your husband died?

Sue

Grief books

After Lane died I received several books on coping with grief and being a widow. Reading these books was struggle for me and to be honest I never finished any of them.

Yesterday I gave all 7 grief books to the library.  I skimmed through each one again before making the decision to give it away.  I suddenly realized why I had such a hard time with these books.  To me, the books simplified being a widow. I'm not saying that the Stages of Grief didn't apply to me.  I probably have gone through each stage several times and in no particular order as implied.  I am saying is that being a widow is anything but simple and organized.  It is the kind of chaos that each individual needs to deal with on her own terms and on her own timeable.

I am often asked:  Will it get better?  Why are people so insensitive?  Is this all there is to life now?  I don't have answers to these questions.  I don't think grief books do either.  They can't.  While we all have something in common, the way we have to cope with life as a widow depends on so many factors that no book or blog fits all.  I wish there was a step by step plan but I don't think it's possible.

Did grief books help you?


Sue