Decisions, decisions, decisions

For the first year or two after Lane died I struggled with making big decisions.  We had always talked through the pros and cons before deciding on big things like buying a car or putting money into the house. I always considered myself independent but all of a sudden I began second guessing my ability to make good decisions.

When I needed to buy a new television set our son Max put it in perspective for me.  He knew that Dad would have gone online, researched brands, features and costs.  He would have figured out which television best met our needs.

Then Max laughed and said "In reality here is what would have happened. You two would have gone into the store, browsed around for a few minutes and then Dad would have said Which one do you like?  You would have pointed to one and Dad's response would have been O.K.We'll take that one."

Max reassured me that Lane always trusted my judgment so why was I doubting myself now.  He was right.  After that I stopped second guessing my decisions. 

What decisions do you struggle with?

Sue

Living in the past

Some people think that widows live in the past.  That we wile away the hours staring out of the window saying "poor me."

Well, we don't.  Most of us get up every day go to work, go to school, take care of our families and take care of our homes.  We see friends, we cook meals, we pay bills and some us even try to have a social life.

Living in the past would be easy compared to living in the present.  It is hard to make every decision on your own with no one to discuss things with.  For many widows coping with their new financial present is a daunting task.  Widows with kids still living at home don't have the time to live in the past.

Do we still wish our husbands were here with us?  Of course we do.  Did we have more fun the past more than the present?  Most definitely.  Do we like to talk about wonderful memories?  So shoot us.

Most widows don't have the luxury of living in the past.  We have to face the many hard realities of being on our own.  Those realities are in the present and we live them every day like our married friends do.  And if we want to talk about our old life every once in a while give us a break!

Do you live in the past?

Running on empty

My husband has been dead for 5 years.  I have managed to "get a life" and try not to complain or dwell on my loss to others.  I go along day to day laughing at myself and trying to be happy for others.

What my friends and family don't realize is that I am running on empty.  I don't feel intense sadness anymore but I don't feel joy either.  I was never overly emotional or a drama queen but now I am so even keeled it's a little scary.

I guess losing my husband sucked the emotion right out of me. I don't feel highs or lows that are part of life.  As a widow you don't have a sparring partner or a cheerleader.  There isn't anyone to get you riled up or calmed down.  So, I let those emotions slip away. 

On the outside I seem fine but on the inside I am running on empty. While it keeps me from feeling really down I must admit it also robs me of feeling really good.  But between us girls, it's not a good way to live your life. 

Is anyone else out there running on empty?


Sue

Complaints

I had dinner last week with a group of married girlfriends who spent most of the evening complaining about their husbands.  One works too much, another doesn't make enough money.  The other wives complained that their husbands watched too much sports on television or didn't help around the house.  Lots of complaining that the husband was no longer affectionate, has gained weight or flirts with waitresses.

It's hard to listen to the petty complaints of wives.  It underscores the fact that my husband is no longer here to bug me, ignore me or disappoint me.  I think most of the time the wives don't really mean much of what they are saying.  They are just happy to have husbands to talk about.

I must admit that I was jealous that I couldn't contribute to that conversation.  Truthfully I never had much to complain about when Lane was alive.  My only real complaint is that he broke his promise not to die until we were both old and senile.  And that's not dinner conversation at a California Pizza Kitchen with the girls.

When it came to your husband what was your usual complaint?

Crying time

I guess it is normal for widows to cry.  After Lane died I was pretty much out of control.  I cried several times a day.  When I was in the office I cried because after 9 years of working together he was gone.  I cried in the car on the way home knowing he was never going to be there again.  I cried riding my bike.  I cried walking on the treadmill at the gym. In other words I cried a lot.

I guess in some ways crying made me feel better that first year.  It was a physical release as well as an emotional one.  I had trouble sleeping and crying wore me out which helped.  Crying also made me feel something and that was not easy to do.  I felt numb and lifeless all of the time except when I was crying.  That was the only time I felt anything.

After a year of so constantly crying I decided I needed to get in control. My doctor put me on medication which worked.  However, when I stopped crying all the time I began to feel guilty for not crying.  I questioned myself.  How much did I really miss Lane?  Was I a good enough wife?  Would he be disappointed that I stopped crying?

This guilt trip subsided in time.  And now I don't cry very often.  I smile more about our life together than I cry.  I think about the good times and how lucky we were to have each other for so many years.  These  thoughts make me happy and of course a little sad, too.

Yesterday I gave my 10 year old grandson Lane's camera equipment.  He was thrilled and said to me "I wish Grandpa Lane was here to show me how everything works."  That made me cry.

What makes you cry?


Sue