Now what?

For the past few months I have been corresponding with a woman who lost her husband of 60 years.  After the funeral and her family left she asked me the poignant question "Now what?"

I suggested that she do the obligatory paperwork and if she was up to it start going through John's things.  A week or so later I got an email telling me she had completed all of the paperwork and was almost finished with John's desk.  At the end of the email she asked "Now what?"

At first I thought she was asking for a step by step guide on what widows need to do.  After thinking about it for awhile I believe she just wants to keep busy and my suggestions are like homework assignments. 

I get it.  It was a month after Lane died and everyone had gone back to their normal routine. All of a sudden I didn't have a normal routine and I remember asking myself "Now what?"  As a matter of fact I have asked myself that question many times over the past 5 years.  After I completed grief counseling, after the first anniversary of Lane's passing, after the second anniversary of Lane's passing, after my Mom died and after all of the kids moved out of the area.  I could go on but you get the point.

I think widows ask themselves that question quite often.  We thought our lives were laid out and we had a sense of what would happen next.   Now many of us don't anymore. 

I ask you "Now what?"

5 years and counting -- Part 2

A few more questions and "pearls of wisdom" from a 5 year veteran.

Do I need professional help?  Being sad, depressed and a little crazy all come with the shock of losing your husband.  Some of us turned to grief counseling, medication or a doctor for help in coping. Even this blog has comforted some women. Knowing you are not alone and that your feelings are normal is important.  Reach out for help. Don't go through this alone.

Does it get easier every year?  I think the 2nd year is harder than the first.  People expect you to be over it and when you are not it is really difficult to deal with.  For me, the 3rd and 4th years were easier because I made adjustments in my way of thinking.  I do pretty much what I want to do and don't care if others don't agree.  I don't stress about things I can't control.  I try to live in the present and remember the past fondly with no regrets.

How do you move on?  For me, moving on is finding the strength within to do the best I can every day when all I really want to do is run away and hide.  How do you actually do that?  I don't know.  I guess you just keep getting up every morning, put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.  

I got through March 18th,  the 5 year anniversary of Lane's death.  For the first time in 5 years I celebrated my birthday (same day he died.)  I think that's progress.  I think Lane would be happy that I did.

How are you doing on your solo flight?

5 years and counting -- Part 1.

Lane died 5 years ago this week.  I never thought I would last for 5 years.  I was sure I would die of a broken heart.

After 5 years of widow experience I am going to try and answer some of the questions posed by readers of this blog.  I am not a doctor or a grief expert.  I can only share my feelings and experiences so reader beware.

Does it get better?  Yes and no.  Yes, the piercing pain of loss does subside over time.  I don't feel sorry for myself as often as I did.  I have stopped being angry at Lane and at God.  On the other hand, I still miss my old life and not having my husband's love and support is still pretty hard to deal with. 

Will I get over it?  No. I don't think most of us will ever get over it.  We learn to cope and deal with life on our own.  We have no choice. Life goes on and somehow so do we.

How should I celebrate his birthday or our anniversary?  To me this is a personal choice.  I am most comfortable spending these days alone with my memories.  I just need to get through the day.  You might want to have a party.  That's up to you.

Will I ever feel real joy again?  I wish I could say yes but I don't know. For now I grab moments of joy when they happen.  Hearing my daughter talk about how happy she is with her path in life.  Getting a sweet text from my young niece.  Making my grandsons laugh. Little joyous moments are all I have now.



More to come. 

Changing it up

Like most everyone my daily routine is just that - routine.  Get up. Go to work. Eat lunch at 12:15. Come home at 5:15. Eat dinner at 6:15.  Etc., Etc.  Pretty boring huh?  I often blame my boredom on my dead husband.  You know the thought process.  If Lane were alive we would be doing this and doing that.  Life would be more exciting and spontaneous.  I don't know if it would really be as fun as I imagine but certainly right now my life is dragging.

When Lane was alive he would give me a kick in the butt when I needed it.  I need it. Because he isn't here to do the honors I have to find a way to kick my own butt into gear.  I need to jump start my life.

There is only one problem.  I don't know how to jump start my life.  But I have plan.  I'm going to start with small changes.  Driving to work a different way.  Run for a mile instead of walking for two.  Little changes at first.

The plan is to keep pushing myself just a little bit each week so that I begin doing more things, building confidence and having more fun.

Who knows if this plan works I might go on match.com someday or write a book on being a widow. 

How have you changed it up?  Any suggestions are welcomed.