Good coping skills

When you were dating you looked for men that had certain qualities you wanted in a husband.  Is he honest?  Does he have a sense of humor? Is he affectionate?

On job interviews you are always asked to describe your skill set.  What are your strengths?  How do you deal with stressful situations?  Are you a team player?

So what does it take to be successful at being a widow?  Well according to my family I have good coping skills that have helped me accept and live with my loss.

I guess it looks like I am coping. I get out of bed every morning. I take care of my basic health needs.  I don't complain. I always say I am doing well.

I go through the motions.  I do what needs to be done. But I keep my fears and frustrations to myself.  I rarely share my inner thoughts.

So do I have good coping skills?  Or am I just a pretty good actor playing the part of a widow who has accepted her new life?
  

Vent Your True Feelings

Do you tell people you are doing okay even if you aren't?   Have you heard yourself say "I'm doing better" when you really want to say "I'm miserable" or "I'm afraid?"

So welcome to Vent Your True Feelings Week.  Click on comment and tell us how you really feel.  We will understand.  We won't judge and we won't try and tell you how you should feel.  

I'll start.

 -  I feel cheated.  Lane and I didn't have enough time together.  We still had things to do and places to see.

-  I'm jealous.  I envy happy couples.  Especially older couples getting to share their senior years together.

-  I'm bored.  My routine keeps me occupied but where is the excitement and fun?

Maybe this venting is self pity. But I don't care. I think many widows spend a great deal of time faking it.  Trying to make others feel better by pretending we feel better.  So go ahead and vent.

Wouldn't it make you feel a little better today?

A rite of passge

Lane spent a lot of time in the basement.  He had constructed a small office and workshop down there. When I asked him "What are you doing down there?"  He would reply "Just cleaning up."  I knew he wasn't cleaning up the basement.  He was either drawing or reading or listening to an old radio show.  But definitely not cleaning.

I always say that Lane died so he didn't have to clean the basement.  After nearly 5 years I decided it was time.  Time for me to clean the basement.

I started in Lane's office rummaging through file cabinets, storage bins and his desk.  I felt out of place sitting in his chair and going through his stuff.  Was I invading his privacy?

I shredded medical records, old bank statements and other personal papers.  I tossed out his cap collection which was full of dust and memories.  I threw bags of stuff out that were no longer part of my everyday life. 

I'm not done yet.  I have pictures to sort through, paint to recycle and then there is his workshop to tackle.  But I have made great headway.

Why am I telling you this?  To me, this tedious task is a rite of passage for widows.  It's hard work and it's very emotional. But it has made me feel like I have taken a step forward in my life.  It took me years to psych myself up to take Lane out of his domain and make it mine.  I didn't want this but I think I needed to do it.

Have you experienced any rites of passage as a widow?

Rules of The Road Part 2

As we speed down Widows Highway here are 5 more Rules of the Road.

6.   Feel free to stop and pamper yourself once in awhile.  Most of us have lost the the person who treated us in a special way. Now we have to treat ourselves from time to time.  If for no other reason but to remember how good it felt.

7.   Don't let others push you into doing anything you don't want to do.  Whether it is a big deal like selling your home or just a dinner out, do what makes you feel comfortable.  Don't try and please other people.  Please yourself first.

8.   Ask for help when you need it.  I hate to ask anyone for anything so I know it's not easy to ask for help.  But sometimes you have to.

9.   Find a reliable handyman.  Unless you are a Frannie Fix-it, find a person who can help you maintain your home.

10.  On this highway each of us has our own speed limit.  Some women start dating only a couple of months after their husbands pass.  Others like me have a hard time with the concept years later.  Many widows never take off their wedding rings.  Some do right away. 

Widows are individuals who learn to cope, accept and even change at our own pace.  There is no GPS for this trip.  We all must learn to follow our own Rules of the Road or we won't get anywhere.

Do you have any other rules to make this road less bumpy?

Rules of The Road Part 1

I have to renew my driver's license soon so I picked up the Rules of the Road book to prepare myself.  It got me thinking that it might be a good idea to have a Rules of the Road book to learn how to be a widow.  I thought I would take a crack at writing some rules to help navigate the long, winding road of widowhood.

1.  Give yourself permission to feel sorry for yourself. Losing your spouse is life changing. It is devastating. Being a martyr won't make you feel better. Wallowing in self pity might help a little bit.

2.  Scream, shout and let it out.  You have every right to be angry.  Don't stifle those feelings.  But don't vent to your kids or at work.  It's not their fault you are a mad mess.  Find a quiet place (the car, the beach, the park) and let your anger fly.

3.  Don't be shocked when you realize that the world is made up of couples.  You will see them at family gatherings, in restaurants and in the mall.  It can be an unnerving sight.

4.   Try and keep busy.  Getting up and out of the house helps fill your day and can give you a sense of accomplishment. Some days just completing a task or doing errands helps you feel "normal" and more in control.

5.   Don't be surprised when friends and family let you down. Or should I say don't expect much from others. Dealing with a grieving widow is not high on the "to do list" for most people. Even those who love you and are concerned about you may avoid you because they don't know what to say or do.

More Rules of the Road to come next week.

Any Rules you think we should live by?