This is my fifth holiday season as a widow. Is it easier than the first couple of years? Definitely. I don't feel the same sense of desperation. I know I won't die without him. I feel much more in control of my feelings and how I deal with things. Life has gone on and I have gone on with it. I guess that's the good news.
With that said, I still don't feel real joy like I once did. Acceptance has taken over where optimism used to reside.
I believe that being alone does get easier in time. Emotions aren't as raw. You get tougher. Many widows are able to build new, happy lives again. Others muddle through the best they can. And for many of us, the jury is still out. We aren't sure where we are headed but we keep trying to move forward. Going back is not an option for any of us.
Have a happy and safe holiday season. I am taking a couple of weeks off but will return after the New Year. In the meantime I am going to post some of my favorite entries.
Thank you all for coming to this blog, supporting me and others with your comments, thoughts and prayers.
Sue
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What a wonderful blog to find!
ReplyDeleteThis is my 5th holiday season being a widow. This year, I have put up a tree and decorated, it's time to celebrate the 30 years of good times my husband and I had.
I totally agree with your post, it does get easier. It's time I realized that I am here and didn't die with him. Life is to be celebrated.
This is just the first Christmas without him as he passed away in June. He was the love of my life -- we met in college, fell in love, fell apart, and went our separate ways. Then we were lucky enough to find one another again after 15 years, and were married a year later. We celebrated our 22nd anniversary in hospice just 5 days before he passed away. This will be a tough holiday for the kids and I -- Chris was such an integral part of all of our lives, especially at Christmastime. To make it easier for all of us, my son-in-law-to-be and daughter offered to host Christmas at their home in Tennessee (I'm in Florida) which I thought was so very touching and thoughtful of them. My son will also be there, so it will be wonderful for all of us to be together. My emotions are still very raw -- yesterday was a terrible day for me. But I am starting to have days in which I can get a few things accomplished though, which is encouraging. Still can't imagine a life without him, but now I can at least manage to make it through today. I can't yet think about any sort of future without him by my side, but at least I can get through today.
ReplyDeleteThis is my 3rd holiday season as a widow and I am beginning to feel more confident in living alone. I have adjusted to a quieter holiday routine but I still have those yearnings of past traditions we had this time of year. Wish I were further along in my acceptance that the past is just that---past. However, I did 'enjoy' decorating the house this year. Trying to shine a light of optimism.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is, I will be leaving for two weeks to visit our two daughters and three grandchildren in Texas. I anticipate the excitement of being with family.
Wishing all of us some level of inner peace this holiday season. Especially to those of you who are newly widowed. I will think of you with heartfelt compassion.
This is my 4th holiday season as a widow. As Katie said, I also feel more confident in living alone. I have developed a "new normal" that I am comfortable with. I have lovely memories that I cherish of my husband but I have accepted that they are "memories". Instead of crying, I smile warmly inside as I remember my husband. He was a wonderful man. I am continuing on in my life and I have many good days and very few bad days now. I want to encourage those of you who are newly widowed. It DOES get better. You will get through this. It is one day at a time. There is no quick fix. BUT it does get better. Your life will develop a new "normal". Please know my heartfelt thoughts are with you...don't give up...it really does get better!
ReplyDeleteAs I cope with my first holiday season without my husband it is so helpful to hear from those of you that have had more time and are coping well. I would love to hear more of those inspirational stories.
ReplyDeleteDear Sue, I am very glad to hear that you are taking a couple of weeks off. It is good just to have some "me" time. I am writing from my son's house in Florida where I've actually have had to get used to being around other people. Being alone grows on you whether you like it or not. To their credit, the young people have had the sense not to make annoying comments and have let me to do my own thing. So I've been out reconnecting with some old friends going to restaurants and taking my dog to the beach. It is sad that my husband isn't with me, but I don't dwell on it. I'm taking things one at a time, one day at a time, and if I'm not happy I feel very peaceful.
ReplyDeleteHappy Holiday's to you too Sue. You have given us the best "present" with your website. This is my 1st Christmas without my husband. I used to get a mistletoe and have fun with him for weeks. We would laugh and kiss everytime. I was really depressed with the holidays approaching, but my 4 month old Grandson caught a respitory virus (same thing my husband died from) and has been in and out of the hospital for a week. I have been tending to him around the clock. He is doing better now (still congested) but he is breathing better and I give him breathing treatments every 4 hours. He is going to be ok. :) I was really scared I was going to lose him too. I had a couple breakdowns, but regrouped and sang and talked to my little buddy. I'm so happy he is going to be ok. This experience has taken alot of the pain away from losing Kent. I was too busy with the baby to get lost in my sadness. The holiday's aren't easy, but I have my Grandson's health back. :) Miles of Smiles... Trish...
ReplyDeleteI was driving home from my company Christmas party and it was kind of sad being one of the only people attending without a spouse or date. It's so strange that I am the single one now. It's hard to get used to. We were always the fun couple and now I just feel so alone. This is my 2nd Holiday without my husband and I still wish this was all a really bad dream. But everyone thinks I am doing great and I smile a lot and pretend everything is fine. People prefer that. They are uncomfortable with our situation. it frightens them. I would like to send every widow a big bear hug and let them know that our husbands are watching out for us....wherever you believe that to be.
ReplyDeleteDear Sue, Along with everyone else, I want to thanks you for providing this space for all of us who need a place to go where others understand what we are feeling and are going through on a daily basis. I started "checking in" shortly after my husband, Larry, died eight months ago from esophageal cancer. Whenever I am feeling low I like to read the new posts and comments, and it always gives me a renewed sense of hope and the feeling that I'm not alone, that there really are other people out there who know what I'm going through.
ReplyDeleteSo, thanks again to you and all the others who share their experiences and advice. I look forward to meeting you back here in the new year. To all, have a safe and peaceful holiday season. Yours truly, Sue M
This is my first Christmas without John. When I read the comments on this blog it puts a prospective in my life. It helps me over the rough bits. I thank you all for your honesty and life experience. This blog is special...CC from Canada
ReplyDeleteThis is my 3rd holiday season without my husband - he died of of heart attack at the end of November. The 1st xmas I was numb - can't remember anything, last year was terrible I felt everything and was so so sad with out him, this year don't know what it will feel. Is it better? Than what the hell the first years was , yes but we are good soldiers we go on we smile and we pretend all is well - when in all honest I hate everything about this - I miss him, I miss us . SG
ReplyDeleteCount Down for Christmas, This year with Christmas on a Sunday I get to crawl in my cave all by myself on Monday, I am one of those soldiers who puts on the brave front and smiles at all the jokes and even post on this site that it gets better. Well, as I see the calendar get closer and closer I am not as brave or inspiring. Christmas is about the birth of Christ, Christmas is about the birth of Christ, keep repeating this and where are our loved ones, with Christ. To All the women who read this site Please have a blessed and good Christmas, Take whatever happiness you can find from whatever source and hold it dear. It will get easier to cope or handle however you want to phrase it. I also would like to give a hug (those are what Imiss the most) to all of you that read this site and are in need of so much more, we are a very courageous group of women, a force to be reckoned with, just not at Christmas. "MERRY CHRISTMAS"
ReplyDeleteMy husband passed away Jan. 1, 2011. That day part of me died also. Thanksgiving I had a really bad meltdown. I dread Christmas and the New Years day so badly as this will be the anniversary of his death. You only realize what a widow goes through, when you, yourself, become one. I always thought it would be horrible but never thought it would be me. At times I thought I was losing my mind.
ReplyDeleteAnonomous said it right-"I miss US" I look in the mirror and see a woman who has aged 10 years in the last 18 months. I did not know that it was possible to hurt this much. I just wish this awful ache and yearning for him would let up. Where do all of these tears come from? I am on anti depressants but they don't help. After having his constant companionship for 55 years, I just don't know how to live without him. I don't have any interest in living any longer.
ReplyDeleteWJH: It just helps that other people know how we feel. I miss my husband so much too. He was my rock. He was always there for me. In an instant, this was all gone and my life changed from being content and happy to alone and miserable. I have had no joy since he died. I cannot find joy in anything. I wonder if joy will come back someday. Somehow I doubt it. It all seems so hopeless.
ReplyDeleteTo Anonymous, I understand your awful pain-there is no other pain like it, and there is nothing to sooth it, because the only possible salve for it would be to have your husband back. They say that two become one with the marriage bond. Then why don't we die together? It is like having your eyes gouged out and all your limbs pulled from your body I am the walking dead. Somehow we widows must find a way to walk this path alone. I hope you find a way and I wish you luck.
ReplyDeleteWell its Monday. Now I can let my feelings out and cry, scream. Next week I will have to face New Years Eve and New Years Day. Guess I will live and get through it; but I will be so glad when the Holidays are over. Holidays are so painful.
ReplyDeletei'm not even sure I can do this. I'm so empty.Its like a ground hog day over and over.Just keep waking up and he's still gone and it's morning again.I'm so broken.My heart died 3 weeks ago after finding out just two weeks before he had cancer.I know in my heart it was better for him but the thought of NEVER IS JUST SOOOOOOO BIG.
ReplyDeleteHi, Sue,
ReplyDeletei have read a lot on your blog, and it really helps to know that so many of my feelings are shared by others who have lost their husbands. i lost my husband 6 wks before our 36th anniversary on march 31st 2011. i just recently discovered your blog, as i had thought of forming a small group of widows to have someone to talk to who isn't patronizing or saying all those dumb things people say . i really liked your blog on that, 10 things that drive you crazy. a lot of them are the same for me.
1. a dog(or cat) would be good company.
2. you need to get a new lease on life.
3. are you dating?
4. how about volunteering?
5. you have your whole life ahead of you..
and others...
its so annoying...and if they aren't saying that stuff, its the other scenario, they just disappear.
i had a close friend say"you have to get out of this funk youre in, its mind over matter."
wow, i'm not allowed to ever be sad, now that a certain amount of time has passed?
it's only going to be 2 yrs, unfortunately it lands on easter this yr.
doesn't matter how long , the world still "goes on" but its never the same. and it seems as time passes, it doesn't really get easier, to live every day alone, it is a little overwhelming to think i may live alone the rest of my life. i just turned 57, so financially its been tough, and its really scary, i try not to think "down the road" but , hold onto my faith , ...the reality is unsure tho...
i have friends from church and so forth that are older, some in 70's and 80's, but i almost feel patronized sometimes, i know they mean well, and in their eyes, i'm "still young". i don't feel young, however i don't feel old either. i just feel adrift, after being a couple for so long, i don't enjoy being in the company of others who still have a partner, be it my family or whatever. i love them dearly, but i just feel so empty. even when i'm laughing w them or basically enjoying myself, its not the same as when i had my special partner in life.
i can go for a nice long walk, or shopping or somewhere w a friend, but i am always going to come home to no one. i'm not terrified of being alone like at first, but i never will be totally at ease w it,
anyway thanks for listening, and thank you for having this blog, as it helps tremendously to know that other widows share these feelings, that we are allowed to speak exactly what our thoughts and feelings are,
Oh my, how I can relate to what you said about being alone. I recently started with a grief counselor and she asked "what" I wanted out of this and that is my No.1 thing, to NOT be afraid to be alone. I too am 58 and sometimes I envy my widow friends who are in their 70's and have less "time" left to be alone. I have no desire or hopes of being in another relationship so I must learn to "be". Thanks Sue for this blog and thanks ladies for all you honesty and sharing.
ReplyDelete