Lane and I could communicate without saying a word. We would exchange a glance that told one another it was time to go home or to stop talking. Like many couples we had a silent language that through a look or a gesture let each other know exactly what we were thinking.
It was uncanny times. How did he know I was down in the dumps? How did I know that he was worried about something? We didn't have to speak, the other person just knew. I'm not sure how it happened. We really didn't talk about it. It was an intimate thing that no one else could see. I miss it.
Do you understand why words weren't necessary?
Sue
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Love happens and "the Two become ONE." That's why words aren't necessary...I miss that too....
ReplyDeleteHow true. I miss my husband so much! I miss him taking care of me & I taking care of him. I love him right now as much as ever. All I ever really cared about was being a good wife to him because he was so sweet to me. We both did our best for each other.
ReplyDeleteYour bringing a smile to my face Sue with this post. Oh, how I loved to look into my Kent's eyes and read his mind. He always had a "special" way of communicating with me. He would nod his head, lift his eyebrows, wink and always had that cute little smile for me. I too had a funny way of responding to looks and actions. We would laugh alot and keep up our charades. Our kids have learned this funny way of communicating. I'm working on my 4 month old Grandson now. ;) Trish...
ReplyDeleteYes! Those special moments between us are now my favorite memories. They bring to mind all those situations where we knew what the other was thinking. One frequent instance was, he would be silent and I would look at him and say "what"? He'd answer "I didn't say anything". I'd say, yeah right! Or, we would just look at each other and burst out laughing. I was the more talkative one, but I could read his thoughts in almost any mood or circumstance. We were often on the same page without having to talk about it. That kind of communication comes when two are deeply connected.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I tackled one of Kent's jobs... The Christmas lights... As I began to open the plastic boxes I felt really sad. Everything was exactly as he left them last year (neat & organized). But, there I went up/down, up/down on this 8-9ft ladder. I felt some kind of inner proudness. I realize that there is still alot to be "thankful" for. Why things happen I will never understand, part of life I guess. I just got back from the cemetary (peaceful & quiet) over there. My turkey is in the oven and I will be thankful and greatful for having Kent in my life for as long as I did. I'm thankful for all the happy memories too... Happy Thanksgiving and keep smiling my new friends, Trish...
ReplyDeleteI am envious when I listen to so many of you talk about that intimate connection you had. I know my husband cared about me, he was a good man and had did so many things for people. But I always felt I was the last one his list. He liked to buy me things and I was always appreciative I think, but I just wanted his heart, his time, his ear. He didn't have time for me and I always had a deep sadness about that. I have felt lonely for years. I tried so hard to be a support to him and I could tell he liked that, but that the close caring intimate thing was never there. Then when he died, I missed him, but not the hectic way of life as a pastor's wife. I feel so terrible about it. I feel so selfish and angry. We were married 37 years when he died. I shouldn't write this on Thanksgiving, because I DO have a lot to be thankful for. 4 fantastic children and their support. Sorry to write this on Thanksgiving, but I don't feel very encouraging tonight. I really have no place else I can just say these things. It does help to read all your posts. Thank you so much for sharing. I will try to be more positive when I post next time. This is just life and there really is no understanding or explanation. Just keep putting on the smile and searching for peace in this new life. Thanks Katie and Trish :-)
ReplyDeleteJohn & I never had that 'look across the room' communication either. I wanted it but it wasn't part of our relationship. We had an unusal relationship in that Johns' work took him all over the world and I stayed home and worked at my job, and kept the home fires burning. We had each others back. In the last days of Johns' life that became evident, but we never talked about it together. John was transferred to a hospital about an hours drive away for a special treatment. We had stopped at the nurses station which was U shaped so the ambulance attendance could pick up paper work. John was the kind of man who'did not suffer fools gladly'. He made some comment to one of the ambulance attendance that I didn't hear because I was on the side of the U he was at the bottom of the U. I did hear however a snide comment made by a nurse, whom I later found out was the head nurse and in charge of the unit that day. Hours later after returning to our home town hospital I asked to speak to her. Privately. I was very calm but furious that this head nurse behaved in such an unprofessional manner. Her staff looked to her for direction and in this case she was lacking in professionalism and common courtsey. John was dying and he was angry. I expected and demanded more for him. This same nurse later rose to her professional personna and everyday after before finishing her shift came in to speak to John. I never told John about the incident, and he thought she was the best thing since sliced bread! At the hospital, the hospice and with ever friend that came to visit John, he told each person that I was not handling his impending death well and requested their help for me when the time came - when he was gone. We had each others back. We did not have the romantic silent communication that some couples have or had but we still loved each other and I am very thankful I never told him about some of the issues I discusseed that day with the head nurse. He found comfort in her visits. Ladies lets try to be gentle to ourselves and cup the memories we hold in our heart close....CC from Canada
ReplyDeleteMy husband of fifty two years passed away a little over two years ago, I have just realized I will never stop being lonely for him,he was my life for many years, and tho he is not with me now he will always be in my memories.
ReplyDeleteThere were those moments of silent communication between us; but the long talks in the middle of the night about what was on our hearts is what I miss so much. Sometimes we would share each other's thoughts untill dawn; then he would get up and tell me to stay in bed untill the coffee was ready...., I knew he had making a special breakfast on his mind. Precious, cherished times in our lives. Sometimes the emptiness, loneliness, and pain is almost unbearable. I still listen for his laughing, cheerful voice.
ReplyDeleteToday would have been our 35 wedding anniversary.
Thank each of you for sharing your thoughts. And, CC from Canada; I had a similar incident with a nurse when my husband had his first heart attack, I know how you felt.
I never realized just how much me and my first husband connected in that way until he was on a respirator before he died. It was like I knew what he was thinking when he couldn't say a word!
ReplyDeleteCindy, I know what you mean! When my Hubby was intubated I went in to see him & he was barely there, they had his arms restrained so he couldn't pull on the vent tube. He looked in my eyes & I knew what he wanted! He raised his right hand as far as he could & made scissors...he wanted me to cut the restraints off! I felt so bad. I couldn't. I didn't want him to hurt himself! They started weening him off the vent on Wed morning. 8 am. At 10am he was gone.
ReplyDeleteWe knew each other so well we finished each others sentences. He always knew what I was thinking. He was the best thing that ever came into my life. He was good for me. My soulmate ~ My best friend.
His wedding band they had to pry off his finger it had swollen so bad, two days before he passed. I had it sized to fit me...I now wear his wedding band on my left thumb. It has an inscription inside "Only You".
I so wished he was sitting here in his recliner, channel surfing, in a deer stand hunting, or watching the race...it's the little things that bother me the most, just to hear "I luvs you Baby" there was nothing he & I couldn't do together! He always put me on a pedestal...he was afraid I would break & very protective of me! I miss that! I miss him.......
We were married 17 yrs this past June. I had been waiting on him for a lifetime... Now he's home with a higher power!
Funny how we remember most those things we so took for granted...the wink, a special touch, being remembered with something special when our spouse came in from a trip or just a run to the corner store...doing those things for us that we could easily have done for ourselves..For me the biggest hurdle is the loneliness that comes from having lost the one person who loved me unconditionally..knew what I was thinking and who I really was....meaning that now I have to become someone different...not the person I was before meeting him or when we shared our time and space before he died. The hardest part of this journey has been the 1st holiday alone - Thanksgiving - for it is truly a "family" day...I tried to avoid the pain of his absence by not celebrating at home as we traditionally did but took our grand-daughter to a major parade and the rest of us got together at a restaurant at the end of the day..but..."wherever you go, there you are." I didn't anticipate the extreme let down, the blue funk of falling backward in the grief cycle that has hit me,especially on Monday morning following the holiday when everyone has returned to their routine..except me..what should my "new" routine feel like ? Beginning to refocus, reconnect with a weekly schedule and with friends and fellow widows but boy, oh boy, the holiday took the wind out of my sails..I had heard that the holidays would be difficult but the reality was not there, only hearsay..I was so sure that I had made progress and would sail through...not so easy...tears returned,at times in full force..Still ahead, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries..In discussing the situation with other widow friends we conclude that perhaps giving to and helping others who are less fortunate,on holidays, will help us appreciate the blessing of our memories of time shared with our loved one. We were married 41 years.
ReplyDeleteIt is a comfort to read all your stories, my story is similar, this is my first Thanksgiving, Christmas with out my husband of 51 years, that is a long time to be together and then without, sometimes I wonder what am I gonna do I miss him so much I can't stand it, this site is so wonderful, I do go to counceling once a month and it helps
ReplyDeleteCC from Canada-
ReplyDeleteYour comment helped me to realize I am not alone in having a "bad" hospital incident.
The Monday after New Year's day last winter, 3 1/2 weeks befor he died, I had to take my husband to the ER from his chemo treatment as he was very sick to his stomach and had been all night prior to treatment (they told me bring him in and hitched him up anyhow!!!! 20 minutes in he was too violently ill to continue and they sent us to ER). Anyhow, we sat in an ER room for 8 hours while they decided whether to admit him. He was exhuasted, so ill and angry that no one would make a decision whether to admit. Finally one of our surgeons (a woman who I love dearly, as do many in our community) came in to discuss the situation. My husband was gruff about why did he have to lay there for so many hours and why couldn't our hospital do a better job at getting someone admitted etc. She is a very calm, gentle person who also does surgerys her surgical office group in third world areas - gratis. She quietly left the room and about three minutes later in comes one of her partners who had performed my husband's surgery in Oct. when we discovered terminal cancer (1/5 of his small intestine was removed and resection done to save him froom a full blockage of his illeum). He shouted "I don't like what I am hearing" and I thought he meant the symptoms my dh was having. But NO - he tore into my husband screaming that he had made our female Dr. cry and who the "HE double" did he think he was etc. I rushed out and found the female surgeon who has been my doctor for many years. She and I held each other crying and talked for 45 minutes. She knew my mom had just died at Christmas (her Dr. as well for years) and she was not upset because of what my husband had said. She was too tired from a 56 hour shift over New Year's on call little sleep.
Anyhow, she and I were comforting each other and she had to talk to the male surgeon becuase I was DISTRAUGHT. It was TOTALLY unprofessional for him to scream at my near dead husband that way and I was very angry. Other people have had issues with him as well, and even though he is a good surgeon he is a strange guy. He had summited Mt. Everest 3 times and I think his ego is getting too much.
Anyhow, the last time my husband went into hospital before coming home on Hospice later in January, the female Dr. and her husband surgeon took care of my dh and redid his stomach tube because his small intestine was destroyed by adenocarcinoma. They were gentle and great as I had to make painful decisions for my husband and they were so gentle with him.
When he died they sent me a sympathy card
. I sent a card of thanks to them but NOT to the surgeon who first saved my husband because of his appalling behavior that day in ER. He needed to stay professional despite dealing with my husband's obvious pain, suffering and frustrations.
So yes, I GET IT and it is a real shame that these things happen. I know we are all human, but that behavior was beyond the pale in my opinion. I have had to discuss it with counselors many times over to try to move beyond it.
I also just experienced my first T-Day w/o him in 28 years and without my mom. They were my wonly family. First holidays alone and on the heels of what would have been our 27th wedding anniver. Thought I could do it having dinner out with friends but I went into a major crying jag all weekend and very depressed. Felt like I was back at square one. I am told it is normal.
These holidays will be miserable. It was all going to hell last year and mom's anniversay of death 12/22 and husband 2/1. I rrealize that it is all going to be unbearable right through to sppring. Hope I can somehow make it through till then.
Thinking about everybody else as well. It is not going to be a fun time at the OK Corral all winter long.
Hugs and comfort to us all as we navigate the Bermuda Triangle. God speed.