A couple of weeks ago an old high school boyfriend left a message on my home answering machine. The man asked if I were the Sue (maiden name) who grew up in Indiana. He said he just called to say hello, you know "a blast from the past."
I was going to call him back but never got around to it. He called last night. We talked for about an hour sharing what had happened to both of us over the years. He said he had my number for a year but felt weird about trying to reconnect after all of this time. I don't know why he called - he just did.
It was fun talking to someone who had no idea what my life was before or after Lane died. To him I wasn't a widow or a woman struggling to find her way. He remembered me as a young girl full of independence and determination. I remember he laughed at all of my jokes.
Sometimes I forget that I still am a woman with a good sense of humor and a good sense of self. I can make people laugh and have fun listening to others. I guess while I was reconnecting with an old friend I was reconnecting with myself. I needed to remind myself that I am more than just a widow. I am much more.
Reconnecting with someone I haven't seen or talked to in 40 years helped me reconnect with myself. Do you understand what I mean?
Sue
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When you talk about reconnecting, it does not necessarily mean with another person. Last week I returned to the town where I had lived 26 years. I had been gone long enough (nearly 4 years) to immediately notice a new building or a new paint job on a building; what stores and offices are where they've been forever and what others have moved or gone out of business. It reminded me of my previous lives: as a young woman, bright and ambitious, who worked all the time; as a single mother of two young boys, trying to raise them right; as a middle aged woman who received the unexpected gift of a happy marriage later in life. Now as I drive along familiar yet new streets, I see myself as painted in the different colors of my previous lives and see my current life as just covered with primer - waiting for the next color. The process of reconnecting has begun.
ReplyDeleteUnderstand totally, I feel sometimes like i'm so isolated and some of that feeling comes from me and not just those around me. After Thanksgiving this year I have noticed the conversations don't take on the walk on egg shells talk. This is my 3rd holiday season by myself. I laughed at the married jokes, the man doing laundry, dishes jokes. Commented on how my husband fit in with these stories. I feel the connection comes very slowly, we do not get a saints award if we keep all to ourself and only live in our grief. God works in mysterious ways. I don't believe he wants us to isolate and live our lives in darkness. Those blasts from the past make you reevaluate your life, at least they do for me. Taking stock of what's really important and tangable. Go for it Sue.
ReplyDeleteGood for you Sue! I imagine it was like a breath of fresh air to revisit a carefree time in your life. It is encouraging to all of us that we can be given a reprieve from so much solitude. Although I haven't experienced a blast from the past, I have more confidence as a single woman. After three years, I still have some moments but I'm not so afraid to step outside my comfort zone and shape a different lifestyle with things I like to do. I participate in activites that don't necessarily involve couples. When they do, I manage to blend in. Friends finally seem to be more at ease around me too! So I guess I am reconnecting more with myself and bravely taking one new step at a time. A different perspective is always needed.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Katie, good for you Sue! That's why I took a trip back home to Chicago, I needed to reconnect with myself. It helped to see all of my old friends and family. I went and hung out with some old friends yesterday (haven't seen them since my husbands funeral), they still have that sad look for me on their faces. It's good I'm making new changes and new friends. I'm looking for a new job today, I'm excited about this new change. My neice moved in with me and my 13yr old boy, this has been a great change. I'm ready to embrace 2012. I'm going to start dating in 4 months (after my husbands 1 yr anniv.). I wonder what "can of worms" that will open up. ha. I just keep telling myself, I just got to get thru Christmas. I too have a hard time stepping out of my "comfort zone," but I force myself and it always works out. Nice post Katie! Hopefully one day, mine and Kent's friends will be at ease around me. But they too were hit with a dose of reality. Miles of Smiles... Trish
ReplyDeleteI met my husband right out of high school. I reconnect when I go over and visit my mother, brother & his wife who all live in the same house I grew up in. I live by myself in a townhouse & feel lucky that they live close about a mile away. I lost my husband a year ago & now that the year is over I find myself everyday just wishing he was here with me. I still can't believe all this has happened & I love him right now just as much as ever. I feel ok when I am productive & around coworkers working on a goal but on my days off I realize the most important person of my life is missing & my life had more purpose when he was here. I know I must go forward but don't know what I want to do. I am determined to try to do my best to stay strong for my family that I still have left.
ReplyDeleteI was with my husband for 30 years and always completely loved & trusted him. Yes it is nice to reconnect with old friends and family but I don't feel like any widow should feel pressured to go out of their comfort zone. My husband was my soulmate & I don't feel like I could ever care about anybody as much as I loved him.
ReplyDeleteFor some of us, reconnecting with people in the past brings unwanted complications, and sadness. Especially when it becomes apparent that the people who want to reconnect have agendas.
ReplyDeleteSome have broken marraiges they are running away from, and trying to reclaim their youth. Some are still in an unpleasant marraige or relationship, and looking for someone to listen to them, feel sorry for them and hoping you will fill the hole the other person took in their lives; while complicating your life in the process.
I've found it is best to leave the past where it belongs, and not try to resurrect it. Facing life going forward is hard enough, but it is the best route to take.
Each of us has her own path in this life. Each of us has an unlimited amount of love. If you have one child, when you have another child you love the second child just as much as the first. We love our family members & friends. We love them all very much. We do not run out of love to give. Each love is different but just as strong. I loved my husband dearly, dearly since I was 16. He was the best! We were married 40 wonderful years. I miss him more than words can express. It has been 4 years since he passed away. I am keeping an open mind and heart that I may meet someone. I am going to live my best life if I do or if I don't. I think it is great for those of you who have found someone. Be happy! Like I said, our capacity to love is limitless...and love is grand!
ReplyDeleteNice post ^^^^^^^^^^^ !!!! To the future...
ReplyDeleteThank you!! Anonymous Dec 2 @ 4:10 AM.
ReplyDeleteYou've said it well. Don't be afraid, love is limitless. I have reconnected with someone special from my past. He is going thru a lot, his wife passed away ten years ago. My husband passed away 4 years ago. He has been alone so long now. Being together has been a gift, but also very hard... and he is from France and lives there. So life is complicated, but the friendship is invaluable. I agree. To the future... whatever it may be. Love IS limitless. Thanks again.
The key here is whatever works for you, works. Grief is individual. If reconnecting with the past helps heal, fine. But I also connect with the above post stating that she loved her husband so dearly she does not feel she could ever love someone that much again. I identify with that-we also were soulmates and best friends and totally interconnected in the most profound way. That is hard to move on from.
ReplyDeleteI also like what someone above said that it may be "best to leave the past where it belongs-in the past". In reality that is what we are being forced to do in losing our husbands/partners. It is in the past now. Sometimes our time together feels like yesterday, sometimes a million years ago. Time is funny that way, and as we all know if we have read or heard about Einsteins discoveries, time does not exist in LINEAR form. He proved that it moves at different speeds and in different ways and acutally is "warped" in space. A lot to think about right there.
As far as moving beyond the sense of isolation we feel with the loss, what Trish brought up is very true. With time people may become more at ease with us, but that everyone who knew us "has been hit with a dose of REALITY". YES!!!!!! It is a wakeup call to the finite time we have here and that it will happen to them at some point as well. ONE of them will be left behind unless they go out together in an accident or some other catacylismic event together. They are confronted with the reality of life and that nothing lasts forever, no matter how deep the love you share. Painful lesson for us all.
Yesterday my hospice grief conselor said something that struck a cord with me. She said "I do not know how long it will take, but one day you will see the gift for what it was and is".
In the meantime, everyone needs to do whatever feels right for them. And I hope that the unlimited capacity for love stays in play in my future. It is all we really have.
"Susie Q" is now playing on XM Sirius 50 hits. He loved 50's and loved to use "Suzi" as his pet name for me (my name is Susan). Have to hope it is being sent from him to comfort and love me.
Best to all-
I have lost my bestfriend, my soul mate, my lover. This journey is so different for all of us but I identify with your perspective which really helps. We can share and gain some strentgh in knowing we are not alone in our pain.
ReplyDeleteThank you,
Andrea
I had a hard time finding my soulmate, but when I did, we stuck...for 25 years until he died. I told my husband about old boyfriends from relationships that didn't work out. What was odd was they all resurfaced years down the road to reconnect with me. One used that very line in his Email "a blast from the past". The tone of the conversations was they "blew it" as to having a relationship. That was a great confidence builder for me; trust me, when I went through all those break ups early on, being true to myself, it was not pleasant, but it gave me my husband, a real gem. And it has made me a stronger person to cope with widowhood.
ReplyDelete