Today is both rainy and Monday and I woke up with a bad cases of the blues. I opened my eyes and felt the pain of being alone without Lane sleeping next to me. Over the years I have had plenty of these days and my coping mechanisms haven't been too great.
My usual reaction to feelings of depression is to go inward. I never reach out to a friend for support. It is hard to let someone know how you really feel. Staying home under the covers is a good way to avoid life for a few hours. Of course I often rely on the comfort of food to get me through a dark time.
I woke up with the blues today and decided to try something different. So I got out of bed around 6:15 and headed to the gym for a work out. Ate an apple with almond butter for breakfast and brought a salad for lunch. Good start, huh?
Also decided that I should try and make other people feel better today. So far, I called my aunt who has been sick, gave out a couple of compliments to strangers and emailed a few old friends.
I still won't call a friend and ask for support but I don't have to. I have all of you reading this blog. Your support is truly helpful to me.
I'll let you know if my new approach to beating the blues is better than chocolate?
What do you when you feel down?
Sue
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When I feel down, there are several things I do; which were things my husband and I used to do together.....but now just I alone.
ReplyDeleteI go to my gardens, and weed, move things around to make some changes, add a new bush or flower, and remember when my husband used to spend so many of his days in his gardens, both vegetables and flowers, we had many a busy, beautiful day together this way.
There is a lake nearby; I go there and sit in a remote place, waiting for waterfowl, ducks, loons, and even an occassional eagle; and listen for the call of the lonely loon. It is an echo of my heart now.
I take a back road in my car and just go; to find out where I end up. I don't care if I get lost, I know I'll find my way home. My husband and I used to take a whole day just exploring a country road, to see where we ended up. We enjoyed it immensely, talking and joking with each other all the way. Now it,s just me, and the memories.
And yes, I try to extend myself to other's, even when I do not feel like it. I must; it gives my otherwise empty life a reason to keep going on. I remind myself that other's are suffering too, and their hearts are heavy, and need a kind word, a smile. But, the smile is very hard to force.
Many times life is a choice of doing what is right, regardless of feelings....I remind myself of this a lot.
No, I don't talk to anyone when I'm down. I've tried it; and found it is better if I don't. There is no way to convey the emptyness, loneliness, sadness, that I walk thru. And, people really don't want to hear it. I've found I cannot take the added hurt of seeing the look on people's faces that tell me they are uncomfortable with my honesty, nor do I want the patronizing remarks to try to cheer me up when they don't know what else to do, and want to change the subject. I've learned to walk this road alone. I didn't choose this in my life; but I must go thru it whether I like it or not. I'm trying to do it with the most dignity I can.
One thing I do is go for a long walk, either with or without my dog. Tending the garden also helps. I also call or email my sons and other friends and relatives. When I do, I focus on what's going on with them. Another thing I do is update my journal as it helps to get one's thoughts and feelings down on paper. This blog helps a great deal because there are times when I need to know I am not alone. Right now I am planning a trip to Florida, the first one in nearly 4 years. I do not do holidays well, so it will be a comfort for me to be able to spend time with my son, and hopefully reconnect with some old friends and former co-workers.
ReplyDeleteI agree Sue, when I wake up in a blue mood on a rainy day, the rain makes it appear that the whole world is sad. I have gotten better with lifting myself up when that happens. Like you, I do not rely on friends for fear of bringing them down with my mood. Instead, I pray and meditate about things I still have to be grateful for. A good book or watching a comedy will sometimes engross me into a better state of mind. Since I am retired and live alone, I make myself get out of the house for a ride or browse around a shopping mall, etc. Anything to get some fresh air. I live close to the beach and walking down to the water's edge for awhile is calming. I also used to journal, but finding this site has proven to be a great resource for me. Thanks for providing a much needed support.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was a man that liked to get things done. When I am off work I know I should stay on top of things like maintainance on the cars, etc. If I have a day where I feel like doing nothing because I am depressed it helps me to put on his watch and then I feel motivated to get something accomplished. The best of him now resides in me. He taught me so much during our 30 years together. I will always be in love with him even though he is not here physically.
ReplyDeleteI keep researching trying to find those magic words that will connect all of it together, my husband's death, these horrible feelings of depression, lonliness, why am I still here when I do not want to be? He died 4/27/2010 and in my mind and my heart I am looking at him as the morphine did its job to easy his pain, to give his body rest. He really was so much braver than I. I should have been the one to go, he would have done so much better than I at figuring out how to live than I am having still. I am not strong enough to match The Words given in the Bible that I should follow. For a couple of minutes I think I can faithfull follow but the loniness and depression are too great. I have gone through the Widow group session. I could not have asked for a greater group of ladies but still it is not enough. I'm stuck in that Valley of Shadow and I just cannot find my way out yet.
ReplyDeleteOn a blue and rainy day sometimes I am helped by lighting a few candles and cleaning and fixing up my house. For some reason since my husband died I have been nesting. I feel most comfortable at home although I do work full time. Every once in a long while I allow myself to just snuggle in and stay in the recliner. Exhaustion catches up with a person.
ReplyDeleteI'll have to say that I must be a weak one because I am taking an anti anxiety drug called clonipan - just 0.5 mg once a day before bedtime. For me it has allowed me to sleep and has reduced my anxiety. Has anyone else had to resort to something like this?
Hi friends, I'm in a mixed mood today but it is mostly one of PRIDE. As we observe Veterans' Day, I pay tribute to my husband. He joined the U. S. Army right out of high school and his last year of duty was served in Vietnam. He was a paratrooper and was honorably discharged in 1968 with several medals. He came home with an increased strength of character that enhanced the rest of his life. We got married two years later and the next 38 years were the best ones of my life. Needless to say, he was buried with military honors at a National Cemetery. The American Flag that was presented to me is now in a case on permanent display.
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to say goodbye to yesterday but I learned from him to 'deal with the hand I'm dealt.' He was my hero.
I look at this blog. It helps to smooth out some of the rough bits. I know even though I'm alone there are people going through the same things.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I put out a new photo that I have had framed. I've put one of my favourite photos of John on my laptop's desk top background. When I'm working on my laptop John pops up from time to time when my mouse moves, it makes me smile.
Sometimes I have a cry and then carry on - it hurts and it always will.
I use to say to John that with the longevity in his family (his Mom passed at 85 aand his Dad at 94) that I would go before him. And I was glad because he would have to deal with all of this stuff. I never imagined it would be me left behind. John was 67 yrs old.
Life moves forward and I'm here so I try to imagine what he would do. I know he would be eating far better than I am!
I too get so much from your blog. It is here that I come too when I need to get a "hug" and an understanding ear. It has only been almost 5 months now, but I feel like when I do open up to anyone, I am like a flood that cannot stop. Then I feel horrible I let out so much. Most people just really expect the polite, perfunctory conversation.
ReplyDeleteMy mother in law died today and my young daughter was diagnosed with Lyme disease on Monday. She got progressively sicker through our 8 day power outage. Then, because we have a well, we had no water because I did not know how to restart it. I have $10 left for the month:( At least the bills are paid and I have food. I am so overwhelmed and emotionally empty at this point that I feel constant exhaustion.
I am very grateful to you for having this blog, reading all your stories, being able to write a comment, and know that all you out there understand my struggles and sadness, and knowing that others are right there with me as I travel down this new road gives me the support I need to face another day.
Some days too I just take a "sick" day from life and stay in bed, cry, eat chocolate, and watch sappy movies. I like all the answers written in to this question because I have been wondering how to help myself and you all gave me some great ideas.
I have lots of blue days more lately as the 2nd year of my husbands death draws near - when I am down I try to envelop myself in memories. His shirt searching for his smell, pictures, his notes to me and all the times we shared. I too do not talk to too many people about my true feelings i don't like to upset my friends and daughters they are so missing him and i find the consequences of me opening up too much is just too much for me to bear. I miss my handsome Geoff more that words can explain.
ReplyDeleteSG
This is a really bad time for my husband of 51 years married, died in January, I have a picture of him sitting in his recliner this time last year, I said he was here last year if I could only go back a year, so I cry a lot now and know next month will be the same, I can't believe he is not here I get so blue and I to have his shirt I smell, thought I was silly but guess not , love this site, it has helped, I do go to counceling once a month, so many widows, its nice to talk to some one that understands.
ReplyDeleteWow! it is comforting to know that others search for their departed husbands smell. It brings such comfort. I took his laundry that I hadn't washed and put it in a plastic bag, hoping to capture forever his smell. When I am at my lowest I open the bag, close my eyes and sniff and pretend he is here. I have never told anyone about this before now. After 55 years together I don't know how to live without him. Thank you Sue for providing such a wonderful place for us who are trying to live without our spouses.
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