After your husband dies nothing is ever quite the same. It has been five years for me and most aspects of my life and how I live it are not the same as they were.
Holidays aren't as joyful as they used to be. Lane and I used to host a lot of the family functions but others have taken over. Lane and I were a good team and I miss entertaining together.
Vacations of course are much different. Instead of seeking interesting destinations I go visiting or just stay home. I have done a few trips with another widow but for sure it was not the same for either of us.
Daily life goes on. We all have responsibilities. But for me life has fewer laughs, more tears and a feeling of loss that I never forget is there.
I say to all recent widows that in time you get used to being alone and doing things on your own. There is no choice. But nothing is ever quite the same. And if you ask me, it stinks.
Do you agree that nothing is ever quite the same?
Sue
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It has been 16 months for me since I lost my Richie and you are right nothing is the same.I find no joy in the up coming holidays. Were as Richie and I could hardly wait for Thanksgiving. Richie would cook and everyone would come we would have 24 people for dinner. But we love it now I go to my daughters and it is just us. I try not to be down but it hard. I just stay home alot not a big traveler. I miss the talks we would have every day ,he would tell me about work that day and I would tell him about my day. Now I go home to the dogs and cats no one to tell about the day. So Sue I agree with you it is not quite the same.
ReplyDeleteWhat once was is to be no more. It has been a year and a half since my dear husband of 30 years passed away. Nothing is the same or ever will be and that's what is so hard to accept. Initially, I needed desperately to cling to the familiar; our daily routines and the way we functioned. I have slowly realized that this change which was thrust upon me is my new reality. So recently I have been thinking about how I want my newly changed life to be, I am trying to redefine who I am and remind myself that yes somehow I did exist before I met him. And yet I still see and feel him in everything I do.
ReplyDeleteAfter three years, I wish I were further along with the acceptance that nothing will ever be quite the same. I try to be proactive when I engage in different activities or functions but feel adrift or that something is amiss. That empty feeling is still present.
ReplyDeleteEach recent vacation has been to visit family. I miss our planned travel time or just leaving for a weekend on the spur of the moment. We made sure we had some "our" time, away from it all.
During the summer months, I have yet to get outside to fire up the grill. That was my husband's domain. Since my adult children live out of state, you would think I could at least invite friends over for a barbecue of something!
I know I need to do better with the upcoming holidays to avoid melancholy. So I pray that I will eventually reach a higher level of contentment.
My husband died suddenly 15 months ago. I miss him very much and life is hard without him. I am lonely and depressed and I hate when people try to help telling me to get out and "stop thinking of yourself, help the homeless, charities, etc." That makes me so angry!! People just don't understand, they have no idea what I'm going through.
ReplyDeleteAll the above comments are so very true, the one thing that scares me is that on my good days, weeks, months, I wonder if I'm retaining the headway I make, with the days getting shorter and the holidays lurking around the corner I feel as if I could slip and be right back to square one. I don't know how to hold onto my good state of mind when I have it. Maybe 2 years isn't enough time, I feel I walk a tight rope every day. The above comment about people telling her to not think of herself may not be the people you want to surround yourself with around the holidays. Of course you're thinking of yourself, because they obviously are not. Don't think you're being a bad person if you don't donate your time, because you don't have a husband doesn't mean you have to give time away if that's not in your heart. I joined the gym. And yes I do think of myself.
ReplyDeleteI am tired of trying to convince everyone -- yes, yes... I'm fine. That's all they really want to hear really. They don't understand the emptiness. They don't understand that I have not only lost my husband, I have lost MY LIFE! They still live their everyday life. My kids all live out-of-state, and I spend lots of time trying to see all of them. I spend time with friends and my sisters, but my heart doesn't feel that joy and satisfaction anymore. I just keep putting on the plastic smile with the heavy heart underneath and PUSH myself into this new way of life. If I don't do this...then their joy is robbed too and I am even MORE miserable. True, deep happiness is a thing of the past I guess, I hate it and wish I didn't have to accept this new path. My life has always been about others and what "they" needed and what "they" wanted. I am trying to learn what I need... what is it that makes me smile??? Never had much time to think about what I might want. Now I do. Even that looks like an empty doorway... but I am writing down things everyday,(even silly little things) that just make me smile inside (that true smile). And yes I ALSO think of myself. It's not selfish, it's learning to live alone. It's time to get to know myself 'cause that's who I live with now. Thanks for this blog, it helps.
ReplyDeleteThings will never be the same, sad, but true... I'm in my 8th month and still find myself confused and feeling out of sorts. The holidays this year have been tough. I don't feel like being around too many people at one time. I'm doing things at my "own" pace and it seems to work for me. I have noticed, that I have been making new memories with my adventures, new friends and setting new goals for myself. Good days/bad days... Today is a good day! Trish...
ReplyDeleteLoneliness, emptiness, feeling adrift, anger at times, occasional jealousy when I see an older couple enjoying time together and I wonder if they realize how incredibly lucky they are. I keep busy, work from home, joined a gym, am trying to rekindle interest in hobbies left by the wayside while raising a family. But life feels flat and without meaning. In an earlier post someone put in words precisely how I feel - I move forward each day but have nothing to look forward to. That kind of sums it up for me.
ReplyDeleteAfter I lost my husband to cancer family and friends were there for me. Now all I get is 'you need to go out more'. I don't want to now. But I get angry alot because they are always pushing me to go do things I didn't do before and don't want to do now.
ReplyDeleteI lost my Tony 13 months ago. I agree that nothing is the same. I don't know how to find happy. I just do. We were married for thirty-five years. It did not seem very long to me. Not only did we lose the ones we loved, we lost our hopes and dreams, own lives too. I hope that we can all figure out little ways to be good to ourselves. People who have not gone through this do not understand! They just want us to be back to normal. That just isn't going to happen.
ReplyDeleteIt has been 6 months and I still cry everyday. I wake up in the morning and go through the motions but my heart is forever broken. we were married for 42 years. Our 3 children live far away so I spend every day alone. We were still in love and best friends after all those years.How will I go on without him? I know he would want me to, but how can I?
ReplyDeleteIt's been 6 yrs. since my husband died of a heart attack in 2004. It was sudden and traumatic. I did CPR on him 17 min. before the paramedics came; but he was already gone. As a result I had the responsibility of having to sell the farm we built, and disperse our two businesses. I was also taking care of my elderly mother with diabetes at the time, she died in 2008. Three months later, my oldest brother died. A year later, my oldest sister died.
ReplyDeleteThere is no normal now. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going, but I wonder many times for what purpose.
I agree with the other's, people do not understand. I've had the comments come to me "you need to get out, and learn to live again." and "the more you give love, the more you'll get."
It's easy to make these statements when your not living the reality of one loss after another. Doing things with relatives and going to events seem very meaningless, and shallow. And, because of not being able to cheer up, and join in with family fun, I find myself many times feeling it would have been better for them if I had not come. I can see how it makes them uncomfortable, and not knowing what to say or do. Some are also resentful, and angry because it ruins their day. I'm finding I do not go to family events much anymore.
The memories of my husbands laugh, his enthusiasm for life, and things we loved to do still go thru my mind, and I remember what normal used to be like; but it is memories.
All of these posts 'speak' to me this week. Wow ...I am not the only one feeling like I have a forever broken heart. Now that I am a widow, I see that I was not sympathetic to their plight, before my husband passed away. The loss of anyone in our life is difficult; but it is the loss of the life I had and will never have again that now grips me in pain. I miss my Honey terribly.....and though it's been almost three years, I still cry almost daily....at a song or a thought or a comment. But I also mourn the "me" that no longer exists...and must now be redefined .
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I found this blog. Almost everyone here gets it. My husband and I were married many years. We raised 3 children while both holding down full time jobs. There is no "me", there was only "us". Children grew up and have families of their own. He was sick for 7 years after that. I was the sole caretaker, still holding down a full time job. It is very, very difficult. I don't even know how to begin!
ReplyDeleteIt will be four years since Dave died at Christmas. Just yesterday, my brother-in-law said I need to "let go" and make time for old friends again (couples)... and they miss the "old" me. I HAVE moved forward, OMG! You wouldn't believe what I've been doing... just trying to move on and LIVE! I even connected to a special old friend from high school who lost his wife and he lives in France---clear across the ocean. I was just trying to enjoy someone who has a "history" with me. It hasn't worked out... just too many complications to connect families over oceans. I HAVE moved forward, my French friend has helped me so much, but it has also been disappointing for both of us. I am just sick and tired of people saying, "well... you know... it's been 4 years!!! You need to LET GO! I have LET GO... but it's the WHERE TO that will never fill the whole that Dave left. My response is... You know what... The longest I was ever separated from Dave was 4 months and it was so difficult. Well now it's been 4 years!!! You don't forget... You don't "get OVER" someone you have loved your whole life! You live THROUGH it and smile and sometimes still cry over the sweet memories and how nice it was just to live a NORMAL day of "to do's". Sorry I'm so ANGRY today. It helps me to share with others who understand this empty hole we now live in. Thanks so much for this blog, Sue. It helps to read and know you are not alone with this desperate sadness that can overtake us sometimes. There are good days too, I keep plugging forward "trying" to put on that plastic smile. Thanks again.
ReplyDeleteI just lost my husband of 37 years 3 weeks ago. I am crying all the time. We did not have a chance to even understand what was happening. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and ws gone in one month. He just was so sick we did not have time to talk and say the right goodbye. I just feel so sad all the time. I am back to work but it is so different. I mourn the loss of a normal life. I now know it is forever and than just is so hard to accept. I find comfort in reading that there are others that feel like me. It helps so that I can keep putting one foot in front of another and get up everyday.
ReplyDeleteIts been 3 1/2 months since my husband died. It was all a sudden, just didn't wake up from sleep. I didn't get to say goodbye or I Love You! Hopefully, he knew that. We were best friends, I didn't really need anyone else. I am so lonely. People keep asking how are you doing? I hate that question. The holidays are coming but my kids don't seem to be making plans. I ask about Thanksgiving, they don't know what they are doing. Am I suppose to prepare and invite everyone. I am not up to that. Why don't they pick the ball up? My children live 60 miles away. His sons live within a mile of me. I have not had a call or visit from them. Move on but how?
ReplyDeleteMy husband died suddenly 15 months ago. I come back to this blog a lot because I need to hear and be with others who know. I too put on the plastic smile and alone with my pain. No one really wants to know. My daughter lives across country and I don't hear from her much. It is true everything that use to bring joy I find I just go through the motions. I ask my self the question every day.. How do you go on
ReplyDeleteBoy oh boy this is a good one this week. How do we move on when the only thing I want is my old life back with my Robbie beside me. It has only been 8 months for me and I have the same things happening to me. My old boss just this week was asking me if I was looking for a new someone. I told her no fast and have no plans to. Her answer to that was it would be nice to have some one around. I am very blessed to have three great kid all within 20 miles of me. There are two boys from Robbie's first marriage and they are there for me no matter what. Our daughter moved back home so I would not be all alone but she will be getting married next year and starting her new life with a very nice man. So ladies then what do I do? I will truly be all alone again and my fear is I will be back to square one
ReplyDeleteI don't even want to think about the holiday'. This Dec 24th would have been 23 years of marriage please some one tell me how do you face that. All of these holidays coming up are the first ones without him and I hate it, I have my new life I want my old one back.
Thank you Sue for this blog
my husband died aug.10 2011 at 1:11am. i have no support really here, my stepchildren except one has contact, and the others have only needs of money. I have 2 children of my own, but they are out of state also. I have so much to do yet, but nothing seems to matter. I have my three shelties, and without them I could have not even come back home. I have such a hole in my heart and stomach, I just wish the pain would stop. I am 60 yrs old and have no need or want of another husband. I want to lock myself all day, and only come out at night. I am so sick of fighting with insurance companies, bills not being paid, and children fighting for money thay do not deserve. I have to live also, but funny how 30 yrs. of your life go by, and all everyone c an think about
ReplyDeleteIt has been 60 days. I cry everyday. When the reality of the loss of my husband hits me it is physical. The pain in my stomach moves up to my chest...I miss him. He was the love of my life. Today is the anniversay of the day we meant, 20 years ago.
ReplyDeleteI was married for 17 years when my husband passed. I miss him so very much. It's been over a year and 4 months since he died. Althought he was ill for 14 of those years we had a wonderful life together. As a 40 year old BW I say what is out there to "offer" for me now? My husband and I had no children and were so happy. At my age all that is out there is men with ex-wives, baby momma's, broke, gay or just plain crazy. As a professional BW with no "baggage" it's a daily prayer I have for God to send the right man into my life. I wish that God would send me a "baggage free" man but at my age my Mom said it's not "realistic" - Oh how I miss my hubby! :( People just don't "get it" - starting over is no prize.
ReplyDeleteMy Precious Husband Cliff died Sept. 23. Three days after I turned 60. Cliff had turned 62 in August. We had been together since I was 15 and he was 17. Together 44 years and married 42. We were just babies. How I miss him! He died of cancer. I feel we did have time to say goodbye. But,what does that mean? It did not prepare me for this deafening silence. Two children and 4 grands, love them all dearly. Not the same! I do not want to be a constant part of their lives. I want my life. Go to work to work for what? Money to do WHAT? I was getting desperate earlier, crying and crying and crying. Found this blog and it sadly showed me how many of us there are. God Bless you all! I do plan to hold on to my belief that I will be with my Honey again. As he told me, I'll be waiting for you in the left corner. Wonder if God knows that their are corners in heaven? My heart is lighter. Thanks for the blog. Hang in there sisters, Amy
ReplyDeleteLast Halloween my husband and I spent the evening on the front porch, distributing candy to the neighborhood kids, and informally meeting many of our neighbors for the first time. (We had just moved into the house the first weekend in October.) Today I did all the decorating & distributing by myself & it really hit home that he is gone. No, things will never be the same.
ReplyDeleteThe second Halloween passed last night since my husband died. We never had children and really enjoyed seeing the kids come to the door. It was a big deal for us. The last video I have of him was on that last Halloween-- him with the dog looking out the window for the trick or treaters. I can't bear the thought of the night without him and just shut the lights and pretend I'm not home. I'm afraid I would cry each time I opened the door. How I wish I could turn back the clock. I just don't know how to move ahead without him.
ReplyDeleteEach topic has helped me tremendously, but this one - this one is IT! NOTHING is the SAME is exactly why we grieve so long and so hard. And for me, it's why the ridiculous comments from others, "get over it", "get on with your life", "you can define your new normal", and on and on are beyond asinine as well as thoughtless and cruel. This post illuminates that we not only lost spouses, we lost OUR lives and the condition of the marriage is not even relevant to that aspect because it's what we KNEW and what we expected to CONTINUE. We, as individuals, will never be the same; never return to the selves we were while married, so it is impossible to "be our old selves" and equally impossible to be around those who utter such rubbish. None of the above doesn't mean we won't smile, or hopefully, even laugh out loud, it doesn’t mean we aren’t taking care of things, it just means exactly what it is - nothing is as it was and therefore all we knew is gone forever and that’s what, in my opinion, makes existing rather than living my new norm.
ReplyDeleteLadies, I'm sorry that we need this site but so very glad I found it. My Mike died while on a business trip to Malaysia seven months ago. Nothing can prepare you for that phone call. I thought I was alone out here, hurting, crying and wishing he was here. Now I find I'm not alone and that's somewhat comforting. My kids all live miles away so we don't see each other much. I am blessed with some wonderful friends, some who have surprised me by their caring and some, not so much. Building a new life is the pits, I'm not sure where to start. Thank you for a place to let off steam.
ReplyDeleteMy wonderful husband of 23 years died in his sleep October of 2010. It has just passed the one year anniversary and the memories of that day seem like yesterday. I'm so tired of everyone asking me if I'm ok, NO people i'm not ok I'll never be ok again. I lost the love of my life. My family does not understand why I don't want to come around all the time, it's hard to watch them be happy with their perfect famililes nothing has changed for them. Yes I put on the smile for my family and friends, but deep down inside I just want to scream. I get tired of people saying I know how you feel. No I'm sorry but until you lose a spouse you don't know how I feel. You can lose a parent, grandparent, child and even a close friend, but losing your soul mate the one that you had hopes and dreams with does not compare in my book. With the holidays upon us it just makes it harder because you have no one to share the decorating with, preparing the food, buying the gifts, wrapping the gifts. I just feel so lost...Thanks for this blog helps to write down the thoughts that stay inside and tell others how you truly feel.
ReplyDeleteIt has been 24 months since my husband past from a heartattack at 59. We were together since high school...43 yrs. No children. I have some Family and he did too, but they are actually uninterested at this point. It is like I never existed. they do not get it, either. Soul mates. get up in the morning because they were the reason...routines and interests, singing and enjoying eachother. I think I have come a long ways and have more good days than bsd at this point and now everyone thinks I should move 100 mi. away which is a good idea. But HOW? I cannot carry, pick things up like I used to and I need a job. This is not a good time to be alive and llok around at silence.
ReplyDeleteI move forward according to the calendar, but my heart is still with my darling man. People ask "how are you doing?" I feel like sobbing, I'm lost - the love of my life is gone. My life has forever changed. Everday I look at his picture and think it can't be true, we had so many plans. John and I had a long distant relationship for most of the last 20 years. He moved home three years ago - retired and we thought, now we can start living the lives we worked so hard for. Cancer stole our dreams. I feel broken. Where do I go from here when all I want is to be with him? I am so very grateful I found this site.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is also still with my husband, I also lost the love of my life to cancer after 30 years of marriage. Everyday I look at his pictures or listen to his music. He was a great keyboardist & songwriter. He worked very hard at everything he did. He spent a good part of his life working & helping his Dad at the horse ranch that he grew up on. He was always positive & I love him now & forever.
ReplyDeleteThis will be my first holiday without my husband. His birthday Dec 6 and mine is just after New Years. I wish I could just bypass them all. I have school age children and they want to keep everything the same. I just cannot imagine it without my husband. I am worried that when we do the traditional family things my husband started- that I am going to completely break down. My family seems to uh-huh uh-huh me when I talk about how I feel and my mother keeps reminding me that I am using my husbands name in the present tense (which I did not realize I do) and it infuriates her. She wants me to delete him from my life- photos, memories, everything. How can I talk, think, or relate anything about the past without including my husband? He was my life for so long. To delete him is to delete all my memories, my whole life. I also seem to be the new charity case. I abhor that. No-one wants me to be alone for the holidays. They talk like maybe I might be ready to end my life or something if they leave me alone on a holiday, yet here I am alone every day and all I ever get is a bunch of grief about moving on and the uh-huh uh-huh conversations. My husbands sister now decided to take an interest in my kids and myself, but it only adds to my load. She thinks I should be living it up- says she can't wait for her husband to die and gives me bi-weekly calls to see if I have been having any fun and then I get a lecture on how I should be living. Boy do people get weird when you are a widow. I am still just me! I am the same person I was before my husband died, but somehow, everyone knows who I should be now- the "new" me who is not like any of the "me's" they want me to be. Thanks for listening to me vent. I wish I had concrete ideas of exactly what people do for the holidays and how they get through it. I still just cannot picture it, but soon I will be in it, like it or not.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was killed by a drunk driver Dec 17th of last year. We were mnarried 12 years and I have 3 children, twin boys 8 and a daughter 6. The holdidays are forever ruined because all I can see is that detective at the door at 3 am to share the news of his death. He not only died, but he was killed. It is so hard to cope, seems like I am just existing. I have God, which is a true blessing, and my 3 precious kids, but nothing at all will ever be the same. Today would have been our 13th wedding anniversary....seems like a snowball effect, ont thing after another. I have no idea how I will make it through the holidays this year.....I suppose that is how I found this site searching for help.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband 4months ago,Life is so hard without him he was my rock,he died of a massive heart attack,we were married 48yrs.I darent think of the future its too scary I have 5 grown children 9 grandkids they are great but i want to feel happy and content again,I know life will never be the same
ReplyDeleteMy husband, Mike, died 15 months ago of Cancer. He was diagnosed 6 months after we were married and we fought so hard for his recovery and
ReplyDeleteOur future with the hope of a family 'after the fight'.
He was 34 and I 29 when he died. His death was very public
As it occurred at my brothers wedding, in my arms, just after family
Photos. I actually think I've been in shock about it all up until the last 6 months or so. I've had so much support but now it seems everyone is moving forward with their lives. All of girlfriends and my brother. An his wife have since had babies and I still feel sad, dazed, and am hardly able to have a glass of wine without weeping let alone go on a date! I'm very angry and lost and I can't seem to shake the feeling of being forgotten - though I wanna move forward, I feel stuck and sometimes, admittedly, I'd rather think about mike than date or move forward.
My name is Geni, I lost my 38 year old husband of only two years. VERY UNEXPECTEDLY. I have a wonderful family and many friends. Though we had been together for only 9 years I feel so lonely. Some of my so called friends have also told me to move on.. Really. I have a great widow support group. But I'm trying to live life as best as I know, the "New" woman, the new "normal" I lost a part of me when he died. Thank you for this blog.
ReplyDeleteMy husband died 14 months ago from cancer. He was diagnosed April 7 and died in June 2011. My world is in pieces I am still in pieces. I feel so alone. It just seems as though everyone has disappeared or just avoids me. I feel like i am a burden if I reach out when i need support. So now I do not try anymore. I am 53 so there is not anyone in my situation.
ReplyDeleteThank you for listening
Anonymous, It is so sad that after only 14 months you feel so alone. We all need to talk and vent without feeling like a burden. Pehaps you could try to find a grief support group or contact the Hospice in your area for guidance. Until then, please know you are not alone. We are all here for you and understand how it feels when the calls stop and people are either uncomforatable listening or think we should be over it. We all desperately need support during this horrific life-changing time no matter how long it takes. Keep in touch, we care.
ReplyDeleteJan
i know how if feels like. I wrote just that on my blog. deathgriefandloss.com
DeleteI lost my husband Glen of 26 years on September 18, 2011. I lost the love of my life that night, and my life will never be the same. I still look for him reach out in the middle of the night, have to wake up each morning and think he is gone. I go to work back home, people have drifted away I am alone all the time, our son lives eight hours away he hardly calls anymore. I can't stand the quite, he was so full of life and we were supposed to grow old together. People don't understand not intill you have to live it. Nothing has any joy to it any more the light has gone out.
ReplyDeletei understand exactly how it feels. why cant people just leave it be. my husband died 6 months ago and like its been said i cry daily and my heart is forever broken. we had the most wonderful 6 years together he also died of a suddenly massive heart attack at 54.so let us grieve and do things at our own pace!i dont want any part of the holidays i just want to do my own thing
ReplyDeleteMy husband drowned in the ocean in July. No time to say goodbye, to tell him how much I love him. Now I spend a lot of time looking for him, everywhere I go, and I don't know why. I pray for God to bring him back to me, to let me go back in time and save him. I just can't understand how thirty-five years together just ends in a matter of minutes. I want to kill myself, but I have two grown kids who would be devastated. So to me, it's like the rest of my life is just a prison sentence---I try to be grateful for my life, but I can't. I can't understand this kind of pain and emptiness and loss for years to come. I am not going to make it.
ReplyDeleteDear Katerose,
DeleteMy husband was diagnosed with liver cancer in the beginning of October 2012 and took care of him until he died December 5th 2012. I remember begging him to go to the doctor for months because I felt like something was wrong but he kept saying no I'll be fine.
He came home from the hospital at the end of October.
I said alot of things to him while I had the chance and I still didn't come close to saying it all.
I understand the feeling like you won't make it too.....
Come here when you feel like that.
I lost my Phil on January 01 this year, one minute we were talking the next minute he was gone. I can't face life without him, I have no idea what I am doing. He was my everything, my best friend, my champion, my lover, my fighter - I wish he would come and get me, that is all I am waiting for.
ReplyDeleteOh hon,
ReplyDeleteBelieve me I understand feeling lost and alone....I come here many times a day usually... Reading other ladies posts helps me not feel alone and many times a response makes me feel so warm and supported.....which is one of things we miss the most.
Keep coming, reading and typing.
HUGS
P.S. I reread alot of posts too.
My husband,Soul Mate & best friend passed away uly 17th 2012. He had been sick for 2 weeks. We went to the Doctor's 4 days in a row he had a CT scan we were told all was fine but we knew something was wrong. I phone an Ambulance in less than 4 hours he was on life support, induced coma & almost every organ of his body hooked up to a machine. I was informed I had to let him go & turn machines off. He had 2 weeks prior turned 55. I am on morphine have been since 2006 since a bad car accident. Everything was confusing to & for me. I had no choice but to let him go. In our marriage we had truly become two hearts that beat as one. When all the machines were turned off I rquested the nurse leave. I lay on the bed & snuggled in as if it was our usual morning cuddle. I felt 3 warm breathes on my face as I held his arms tightly around me, then there was a huge sigh & he had gone. I died with him, the days now seem longer each day crueler than the day before everything was so quick there was no goodbye, no I love you, I was unable to communicate at all.I know in my heart of hearts he knew I was there. The nurse came to tel me it was time for me to leae, what felt lke 5 minutes had become I had laid there holding his arms around me for hours. I tried to take my life & failed. I have left family after their greed for money & let go of all our friends. I spent Christmas day laying on his Monument. I light a pink candle when I wake for him & it burns until I go to bed, not sleeping too good & only pick at food. I have now found out it was negligence of thhe GP. The Xray had shown his left lug was dead, fluid on his right lung & a blood clot. Because this was ignored the blood clot trevelled to his intestines he did not stand a chance. Solicitor's have taken the case & sueing for negligence could take 3 years Meantime I exist from day to day I am dead inside. I have no will to live. I am totally alone. What we shared is not replacable we were EVERYTHNG to each other being alone has not helped me. I don't want to wake up anymore I am 54. His clothes still as they were, his tooth brush still next to mine. I am also going to lose our home, we both worked so very hard for. I loved his yesterday, Today & will love him for all of my tomorrows. I want hm back. I have even begged him to come & get me. I have now lost the nerve to take my life, but without him I don't have one anymore. I don't understand people anymore either "with their yu should be doing this or that" why can't they see or understand I died with him? I stay alone now with only the dogs for company. I am now truly alone with no closure, no goodbye, no I love you or thank you for what we shared together. Negligence, he died because of negligence. Every day is a hard day. I wonder if you can die from a broken heart? What was once our home is now only bricks & mortar, nothing matters anymore. I want hm back it's that simple. I cannot live without the other half of my heart. I thought writing on the blog but it has not. My eyes are permanatey stain with tears. Michael "I became apart of you & will always LOVE YOU! "
ReplyDeleteAnonymous
ReplyDeleteI too lost my best friend with one short weeks notice. I was devastated. They spent almost a year treating him for arthritis in his back. Then another two weeks treating pneumonia in his lungs, before they finally decided to do a biopsy. They diagnosed lung cancer, more tests, liver and brain cancer, more tests, bone cancer. It was a waking nightmare, every day something worse, and less time. He took one chemo treatment and was unconscious for twelve hours. At that point the Drs. gave up treating him for cancer and we began comfort meds. I lost him one week to the day after they first diagnosed cancer. He was 53. I'm 48. I too wanted to die, and begged him to come back and get me. Suicide wasn't an option because Ron always said it was the cowards way out and an unforgivable sin besides. My family, co-workers and friends all seem to think because I go to work, feed myself, take care of the critters and the house that I'm fine. It's been a month and it's not getting better. I'm just hiding it better.
My husband died in his sleep 3 & 1/2 months ago (feels like years - so intense the struggle has been). It was on New Year's eve.. very suddenly. We went to bed together and I woke up alreay all alone.
ReplyDeleteI have been through many stages - suicidal, stay-in-bed-forever; off-to-the-monastery, trying to do something non-stop (painting, making stuff from clay, cleaning) to avoid painful memories, and just pray for his and my soul every morning, nigh, and all through the day.
But now it is all catching up with me again since I have got sick and stuck in the bed. Yes, as one of you wrote - grief is a phisical pain in the chest, which then rushes to the eyes. I try to stop it before it does, otherways it ends up in a hysterical crying.
Anyway, I have planned a trip to India in two weeks time. This will be first time I will go somewhere without him. I will have to look at romantic couples in the hotels and pubs. Although now I feel I want to back out of it, I will do it. I have got through so many things alreay, I will get through this one as well. I want to stay strong for his sake.
Yes, he was my home. And altough now I am "home-less", I can still do something good for others. For myself - I don't care at all anymore. I realize that the happy times as I knew them ARE OVER. I dwelve more on the after life, even look forward it. But there is still time left to live.
I wish you all strength.