After Lane died I received several books on coping with grief and being a widow. Reading these books was struggle for me and to be honest I never finished any of them.
Yesterday I gave all 7 grief books to the library. I skimmed through each one again before making the decision to give it away. I suddenly realized why I had such a hard time with these books. To me, the books simplified being a widow. I'm not saying that the Stages of Grief didn't apply to me. I probably have gone through each stage several times and in no particular order as implied. I am saying is that being a widow is anything but simple and organized. It is the kind of chaos that each individual needs to deal with on her own terms and on her own timeable.
I am often asked: Will it get better? Why are people so insensitive? Is this all there is to life now? I don't have answers to these questions. I don't think grief books do either. They can't. While we all have something in common, the way we have to cope with life as a widow depends on so many factors that no book or blog fits all. I wish there was a step by step plan but I don't think it's possible.
Did grief books help you?
Sue
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Threw my first Shabbat dinner party on Friday last. Other than the one for son's wedding, I've not had people (other than the kids) over for Shabbat dinner. It was so hard, but so the right thing to do. I will admit, though, that after the guests had gone (we sat at table until 11!) and the last dish was in the dishwasher, I sat down and cried. I missed my husband so. But, i am now in year three and my widow friends are right....two is the worst. Three is definitely progress.
ReplyDeleteMy best friend gave me a "grief" book, never read it. I got some stuff from the Funeral Parlor, I did go over some of that stuff. The one line that always sticks out is... "Don't expect him to come walking thru the door." I guess we all lose a little bit of reality with close deaths. I found your website and it's where I click on for the past 7 months. I read the posts and know my feelings are shared by all in the same boat. Good days/bad days... It's tough to be the one left behind... Baby steps I keep telling myself. Your friend, Trish...
ReplyDeleteGrief books helped me tremendously! In those early days, especially when talking to people was difficult, my evenings were filled with reading these great books. "Help Me Grieve but not Forever" by Verdell Davis, "Getting to the Other Side of Grief" by Susan Smeenge & Robert DeVries and a daily meditation book " Healing After Loss" by Martha Hickman. These books were my friends that expressed all the feelings I was dealing with. To know others had been in this dark place of grief and came out on the other side gave me encouragement to go on. We do all go on this journey on an
ReplyDeleteindividual path. What helps one of us may not help another but for me grief books and support groups like Grief Share were my life line to continue moving forward when all within me did not want to go on. So, yes, grief books helped me very much.
My husband died 2 years ago in November.he was 51. I guess it gets better - yesterday was our 30th wedding anniversary so right now it dosen't feel like it's better. My heart is broken and hurting. I read lots of books trying to figure it out, the one that spoke to me the best and that I turn to often is Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg. Not everything makes sense to everyone but it helps me to understqand I'm not going crazy I'm greiving. SLG
ReplyDeleteWhat a great question. I'd have to say that grief books were about the same amount of help as pregnancy and baby care books. I didn't read any of them! I lost my husband when I was 3 months pregnant and I learned that both ends of the life/death experience are journeys that require you to continually review and adjust. While books can be helpful and offer up the author's point of view which may or may not match yours, you really have to make up your own rules and do what's right for you according to your beliefs and moral code.
ReplyDeleteI recently read "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion. Not sure if it is a grief book, but she writes about her experiences during the year after her husband died. I found it fascinating and couldn't put it down. Her husband died very much like mine did and I think it helped me in the same way that this blog helps me - somehow it helps knowing that others are walking the same path (although you would never wish it on them). I don't know other widows in my regular life so hearing the experiences of others has been soothing.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband to cancer, diagnosed 6/25/09 died 5/17/10. Immediately after dx I bought books about what to eat,how to cope, being a caregiver, and just books about cancer in general. (My husbands oncologist offered me a job.) After he passed away I didn't want to read any books. I was afraid I might feel things that were mentioned in the books and I really wanted to feel my true emotions. After a couple of months I started looking through some of the books I had received as gifts from clients and friends. I truly was shocked to read what was exactly in my head and in my heart. I am glad that I waited a little bit to start reading about widowhood because it let me get in touch with my own new, horrible feelings and I realized that even though we all come into this with our own set of circumstances...we all feel immense pain and devastation. Now I understand why they say "misery loves company".
ReplyDeleteThese days I can't read anything but grief/widow(er) books, "finding the light" books (I wish). I also love to read the widow(er) blogs. Who knew such a thing existed?! Of course you take what resonates or applies to you and your life but definitely it helps to read these types of books.
My sister sent me "Grace to Grief' by Michael & Brenda Pink; A Daily Comfort to Those Who Mourn. Hard to read those first few months with tears overflowing the words. I did persist and read it along with anything else I could find on the subject. Solace was hard to come by and three years later, I still need encouragement.
ReplyDeleteThis website provides a different resource. It focuses on all the issues of widowhood and has increased my confidence. Sharing with all of you gives me an outlet to express feelings, setbacks, and progress. Especially now that I hesitate to talk with others. I appreciate this alternative. Each week, I look forward to the next topic. It gives me a fresh perspective when needed.
I've read so many of them I lost count. They were the only thing I could read (or attempt to read) the first months.
ReplyDeleteI too found Widow to Widow a good, common sense and advice book. Martha Hickman's meditations also are good. C.S. Lewis "A Grief Observed", but maybe not for everyone as it is rather esoteric, a very personal introspective, but it jarred with me. So much of the "surrealness" of what I was feeling.
But better than books are this blog and the website "Widownet" with their discussion boards. When so few people in the real, everyday world "get it" those folks are always there and going through the same experiences. I have found darn little compassion from people in my community/couples friends and yes, even a very close lifetime friend. Most have "cut and run". It is a very painful learning experience which I confided to my spiritual counselor does feel like the biblical analogy that widows are "unclean". Feels like being in exile from life on a very real level.
Thank God for the ones who do get it and hang in there with total patience and compassion. And a those people are not the ones I've known for years and counted on "being there". Such is the strange truth of life.
And many thanks to all the cyberfriends here who offer comraderie and a place to express all the emotions on this horror of a hourney.
I am sitting here trying to think of a response and I can't. I buried my husband a month ago after three and a half years of a traumatic journey of illness, hospitalizations ,surgeries and then suddenly that stopped, he died. I am shell shocked and alone. All the cards and calls have dried up.Most of that is just perfunctory anyway. I think I am still trying to deal with the fact that my role of caretaker is over, I can't even deal with the grief yet.
ReplyDeletei know actually what your saying.i was also my husbands caregiver for over 2 years.what a nightmare.then all the sudden it stopped and couldnt figure out what i was suppose to do.my husband passed june of 2012.wish i would of found this sooner.
Deletehope you are doing better .date on this is oct.2011.
i know its a nightmare dealing with this.
I devoured books immediately because I was hoping to find some answer telling me I'd be fine soon- a roadmap out of grief in as short a time as possible from those who had been there. I do feel the books helped me because I realized I was not alone in this experience and that I was not crazy. Some days I was worried I was going insane but was reassured to know it was all "normal." This was a relief. But of course, no book has the power to erase my grief or tell me when this pain will end. That is the hardest part- because the grief has to be lived through. I think the blogs - your blog- are helping me much. That and now I am addicted to the Hallmark Channel because the movies make me feel something again, and more often than not, I get a good cry in.
ReplyDeleteI was given a book by my cousin after my husband's death in May. The book, Healing After Loss" by Martha Hickman, has been wonderful for me. It doesn't tell me that everything will be okay. It tells me that what I'm feeling is normal and I'm allowed to grieve in my own way. I've had the opposite experience with people. I think people have been so good to me. I think sometimes you have to look at what people say as well intended. I think most people have good intentions even though they may be hurting you.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I agree with you. People mean well, and I have said over and over that nothing anyone says is "wrong". Just knowing they are concerned is enough. My husband passed away last May. We had been married 27 years. I am going to a holiday grief seminar thing in a few days and it terrifies me. I prefer to deal with this stuff on my own (with the companionship of my three daughters). But I know I am simply trying to ignore or hide so much. And the holidays are almost here... People think I am so strong. Truth is, I am running myself into the ground staying insanely busy so I dont have to deal with the grief. (even find it hard to say the word grief)
ReplyDeleteMy husband of 26 years passed away two years ago this past August, after battling cancer for 5 years. We weren't perfect and had some difficult times over the years prior to his illness, but I never doubted the love between us. I miss him so much...
ReplyDeleteI find keeping busy works for me. My faith has been my glue that held me together. I was also lucky to have a good friend to talk to. She lost her husband two months earlier.
We helped each other get through the tough days by talking on the phone once or twice a week, depending on how we were feeling since she lives out of state.
Building a sense of community in various organizations in your church,taking classes in something you always wanted to learn how to do ex. dance lessons, golf or sewing. Being around people helps me cope and not feel lonely. Needed to hear noise and would turn on the radio when cleaning or if the house got too quiet.
I tried to date a few months ago but realized I still wasn't ready. I miss having that male conversation nothing more. Just looking for friendship right now to go out to dinner and/or see a show. I would like to hear if anyone has found that.
You need to move at your own pace and not let anyone rush you. My good friend is getting married this weekend where I am no where ready to consider anything romantic.
Just found this site; shame discussions have stopped. Lost my partner late last year. Have read various portions of various books, so far have come away underwhelmed. It isn't that what they're saying isn't right or logical and all that - I don't know, hard to explain. Just all seems to run together with this "the grieving process," the 5 stages blah blah blah. They just don't seem to really resonate with me. Part of that is no doubt my situation too: unlike many, I have little in the way of family or friends for support and so even more alone. My family is not close and as some of you have also found out, "friends," including those we thought were pretty or even very good friends, have for the most part disappeared. There's more but back to the point I have found books a modest help at most, but still worth the effort, and hopefully I'll come across one which helps more. My thoughts and prayers to all of you.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband last month suddenly and unexpectedly. I am reading grief books but the one that sticks closest to me is called "Widowed Without Warning" as it was an unexpected death of her spouse (plane crash). I don't know what I think or how I feel. I am in pain. I am angry. I am lost. I cry a lot. I don't want to go home after work and I do not look forward to the week-ends. I have every emotion possible running thru me and just when I think I might be the slightest bit better -- WHAM! I think everyone is different as you say. We all have to grieve in our own way and in our own time. One size definitely dose not fit all. I believe getting thru the "first" of all occasions will be hard. Our 20th anniversary is July 11th and I have no doubt that will be difficult. My prayers are for everyone who is or has been thru a loss like this. No one understands more than another widow. God Bless.
ReplyDeletemy husband was killed at work at the age of 44.he was a tunnel miner,which is a very dangerous job. everyday when he left for work i would say "love you","be careful". even though we are very young next month would be our 18th wedding anniversary.the only thing that keeps me going is our two children.i dont know how to be alone. i dont know what else to say. im not good at writing.just thought id write something to be a part of the group.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous April 16, 2013 and Michelle.....I am so sorry for your each of your losses.
ReplyDeletePlease just keep coming and typing.....I have been grieving for just over four months and this site has helped me more than anything else.
HUGS