A close friend asked me why I have refused to enter the dating arena. I got the usual lecture that Lane would want me to go on with my life and that I don't have to marry anyone, it's just a date. I must say that my friend almost made dating sound like fun. I said almost.
Well, I have had a few dates in the last couple years. The first man was very nice but was very needy so it didn't work for me. Another guy told me I should dye my hair and wear my clothes tighter. And these loving comments were made after he asked me to pick up the check. I had a date with a man who was successful, funny and really cute. On our second or third date he asked me how often I spoke with the devil. Needless to say it didn't go anywhere.
The dating conversation got me to thinking about dating and why I am so hesitant. It really has nothing to do with Lane. I just don't think I have much to offer anyone. I feel so empty that there is nothing I could give anyone. Secondly, I don't know if I could handle the rejection. What if I like someone and he doesn't like me? Or worse, what if he likes me?
My friend thinks these are poor excuses. That I should think about it. Having dinner or seeing a movie with a man who has a sense of humor does sound like it could be fun. Who knows? I'll keep you posted.
Have you dated since your husband died?
Sue
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ugh. I'm not quite 60. Guys my age want 30-49n year olds. and the ones who want my age are all 80 and looking for caretakers. No thanks.
ReplyDeleteI married my buddy and he remained my best friend until the day he died. that's hard to replace.
right now, I'm learning to enjoy the company of my women friends and myself. If an interesting guy happens along, fine. I'm not interested in being a slab of meat at the market these days.
It has been 3 1/2 years since my husband passed away. At first dating was something I wouldn't even consider. As time has passed and I thought about what if I had passed away, would I want my husband to meet someone. The answer is a definite YES. He was a great guy and would have been miserable alone. So like you, Sue, I have had three dates. All nice men but with issues. One had already been married 3 times.( I was married 40 years.) The second had very different activity interests than me. He wanted to take me bass fishing & camping. I eat bass and stay in hotels. He was nice but we are too different. The third was ego filled and wanted me to know how great he is. I have joined Match.com...interesting. A lot of Santa Claus looking guys on motorcycles...what's up with THAT??? SO my adventures in dating so far have been poor at best. My membership in Match will be over soon and I will not rejoin. I am happy by myself but like you, I think it would be nice to have a male friend to have dinner or go to a movie with. We'll see what the future holds for both of us, huh? Who knows...........
ReplyDeleteIt's been 7 months since my husband died. I was talking and texting this one guy, but I felt pressured. I decided it's too soon and I'm going to ride out the year of this aweful experiance. Hopefully, I can find happiness with another man. I've even had friends tell me, Kent's a tough act to follow. The last thing I need is a bozo man with issues. If it happens one day, nice... :) I too will keep you posted. Trish...
ReplyDeleteThree years and no I have not been on a date. So far, I've had no interest and felt no one could fill that void. However, I do miss male conversation and general companionship. There's this unfair perception that men and women cannot be 'just' friends. At any rate, dating seems scary to me and haven't put myself out there. I married at age 23 and widowed at age 61. I agree, men my age generally want to date younger women so why try and compete in that scenario? I am not desparate for romance but I will never say never. If that door opens for me I would move forward.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I decided when I married that I would remain widowed when my husband died and I still intend to do so. I miss him terribly and never thought he would die so young though. It has only been 3+ months for me so I am still newly widowed I suppose and shouldn't even be replying to this question yet. But I do find myself feeling comforted when in the presence of certain men who remind me of my husband. I hope this is not crazy, but for example, when I bought a new lawn mower. The shop owner was an older man, taught me what to do to check the oil, etc., and I found myself enjoying the scent of his cologne and his demeanor which reminded me of my husband and how cared I felt for. It was not a physical attraction thing at all, it was a comfort thing. Now sometimes I find myself looking at a man's flannel shirt while waiting in a grocery line or seeing a man helping his wife with their children at church, and it brings back memories of what it was like to have my own man. It's a happy sad feeling because I miss my husband but I was so loved by him. I only wish I could "borrow" the smells, the comforting ways, flannel shirts, and smiles to be able to hang onto my own husband a little bit longer.
ReplyDeleteOk Dating is not at all in my plan, I lost Robbie 8 months ago and have said from the beginning I would not look for any one else. My Grandmother was a widow for over 60 years of her life all I keep saying is if she could do it so can I. I don't know if Robbie would have moved on and found someone new but all I know is right here and now I have no plans to. I have to say I think it is great how people who are not in our shoes can say you need to date find some one new.
ReplyDeleteI pray they don't have this happen to them. Again think before you speak to widows.
Thanks again Sue
My husband and I pretty much grow up together.
ReplyDeleteI was 15 and he was 16 when we started dating. We were married for 47 1/2 years, but knew each other for 52. I can't even begin to think that I would date anyone. My husband just passed away a year ago. I can't think of anyone else touching me and to have to think of all the new diseases that are out there today. I don't think I can even trust someone else the way I trusted my husband. I miss him so much that it is still hard for me each and every day. We did everything together. So when I have to go somewhere without him it is very painful for me. No, I won't be dating or even remarry. I just can't do it.
It has been almost a 18 months since I became a widow. My love was my 2nd husband. He truly was my dearest friend and I actually did date this summer for 3 weeks, man was that a BIG mistake. I have a 9 year old daughter and the guy I dated totally doted over her which made it seem worthwhile but when he wanted me to uproot her and move her away from the family and friends she has been raised with when he was only going to be starting a job a half hour away and advised me we could see our family 2 times a year, well you guessed it fast like he got the boot. That was 3 months ago and he is on job number 4 since then. I thank the Lord everyday for giving me wisdom to see him for what he was and not hurting my daughter by uprooting her life so soon after daddys death. Needless to say if Mr Perfect came along why not date but just so picky now. By the way the guy lost his wife a month after I lost my husband and we met at church. Yeah that doesn't always work either.
ReplyDeleteI went by the cemetary yesterday and my husbands headstone is finished. It looks nice, but how depressing. I know this sounds weird, but my mother has a life size skeleton hanging up for Halloween. It creeps me out this year, I just want to put a suit on it. Trying to put on a happy face today... Trish... :)
ReplyDeleteThat's okay Trish, you can be weird with us. I hope you make it through Halloween just fine. If not, be kind to yourself. It took me three months to go to my husband's gravesite to view his headstone. But now, I still go on special occasions even though some feel like I should not. At this point, it isn't a sad visit but a comforting visit. You took special care selecting your husband's headstone and it's a step of progress. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteIt has almost been two years I miss him so much we met in high school and were together for akmost 40 years , October 3 was our 30th anniversary. We turely loved each other and love offen. I has almost been 2 years since i have felt his touch. Noone could ever compare so why even bother. plus my heart is broken , hollow and hard now. SG
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband a little over a year ago. He was the kindest, most considerate person I ever knew. We were married 35 years and 5 months. I miss him terribly... yet, I am so lonely. It would be such a blessing to have someone care about me again...someone I could share life with. The game of dating doesn't sound appealing to me at all. I think I will try to put myself out in the world and to live, even if it is on my own...and if I were to meet someone sharing a common interest, then I would be glad. Marie
ReplyDeleteTrish, it's okay! You can be weird with us. I'm sure you put a lot of effort into selecting your husband's headstone and that is a step in progress. I hope you do well this Halloween but if not, be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a couple of months before viewing my husband's headstone. I still go out to visit his gravesite on special occasions. Not a sad visit, but one that connects and comforts my spirit.
What I remember from your other posts, you are still in the 'first' year of everything. I wish you well and sending you a hug!
My husband passed 4 and a half years ago. I feel I am in constant contact with him. Has anyone else experienced this?
ReplyDeleteIt has been 1 month and 1 day since my husband died completely unexpectedly, he had a heart attack while in the Netherlands on business...he had just arrived and went for a run and was going to shower, get somthing to eat and go to sleep...after working out he went up to his room and sat down (still in his workout clothes) and died...(heart attack)...I am so sad and still can't believe it's true..he was supposed to come home in 3 days...we were married at 20, and would just be celebrating our 31st anniversary in Nov. I am 51 and so was he. He ran in marathons and was in perfect shape...He was my best friend and we had so many plans...I can't stand my life now. We have a 16 year old son at home and they were very close...it is so hard and we are grief stricken. I can't imagine ever being with anyone ever again, and at the same time , can't imagine spending the next 30 years alone.I'm dying inside and don't know what to do...
ReplyDeleteMy husband has been gone for a little over a year. I still miss him so much. We did everything together including working. We were married for 30 years, have 3 children & 5 grandchildren.Two are babies & it is so sad they will never know him like the other 3 have. My kids think I neeed to go to some type of grief group or counseling as I should be doing better at this point. I feel in order for me to be able to "feel better" I would need to let him go and I dont see how I can ever do that. Does anyone understand what I am feeling?
ReplyDelete@Katie, thanks... The first year is very hard. I don't know wheather I'm coming/going, happy/sad or on the edge... I really don't know who I am anymore. Grief of a spouse has to be the toughest thing to go thru. I know I have become a stronger person, because it was my "only" choice. I also know, I have been doing things I wanted to do (bucket list) lately. I've gone zip lining, rode mechanical bull, captain of our boat, swimming lessons and etc... I just wish for the old me would come back, I was never a "down & out" person before. I hide it well, but I can't hide it sometimes. Yesterday I went to the races and tomorrow I take the boat out. I'm trying to get out of my depression. His finished headstone put me 10 steps backwards. Going forward again... Trish... :)
ReplyDeleteTrish I know what you mean. Last Wednesday was 6 months - half a year for me. Just got through my birthday and his birthday on Oct. 5 - his 60th birthday. Put 6 red roses on his new marker - it was hard to think that's all he got. Have been having such bad anxiety that I started taking clonipan. It's helping but I know it isn't good to depend on meds.
ReplyDeleteWent to an out of town wedding and although it was good to see friends I felt like such a fifth wheel. Didn't feel whole and vibrant like everyone else. I miss my sweetheart.
I started dating a man I met on eHarmony 9 months after my husband died. I had been married 32 years, but the last two were not our best due to alcoholism. His death at 60 was not expected even though his health was poor. I was raised by a young widowed mother who never remarried. At 57 I felt too young to give up on love. I found it difficult to "market" myself on a dating service, but I put myself out there this summer. I didn't expect to find someone right away, but I did. All I know is that it is what I need right now. He has helped me through the past few months, put a smile on my face, and awakened feelings that have been dormant for quite a while. I told my girlfriend that it is hard to describe the loneliness felt after losing your spouse. Neighbors and friends just fill it. The one year anniversary of my husband's death has passed, and I feel free to be happy. I try not to feel guilty about moving on--I choose to live life to the fullest. I know I might get hurt, or I might hurt someone. I am taking those chances while being honest about everything with my new partner. A support group for widows/widowers was a great beginning for me--through a local church. Exercise and healthy living can do wonders for the body and spirit, also. Sometimes I wonder if my late husband has sent my new friend to me. Like I said, he is just what I need for now! Best wishes to everyone for happiness. Dee Eliz
ReplyDeleteHello to all, I lost my Husband of 37 years in 2001 , he was wonderful , he had cancer , we found out on Sept 14, 2001 and he passed Oct 14 , 2001 very very fast. He did all the household bills , I didnt even know how to pay a bill, but I learned very fast . About a year after my husband had passed, "not looking for another man" I met a wonderful man, retired firefighter, he treated me like a Queen , we ended up living together in my home "he sold his" when I would wake up in the mornings , he would have my coffee, cream , and sweetnlow on the Table ready for me, he did little things that made me feel special , every day !We found out in May 2011 that he had cancer and he passed in Aug 1,2011 . We had Dated for 9 years , we were together almost every day of those nine years, no we were not married but it sure felt and does feel like we were! Grief is Grief weather Married or not, and I also do not like the people that say go on with your life,you were not married to him , like he doesn't count or something , he does!!! He was the second part of my life, the comfort part, the not having any worries part. Yes I loved him and he Loved me , he has only been gone for 2 1/2 months , and I miss him so much,I cry at the drop of a hat now days . But what I was trying to get across to all of you is that you never know when or how you might meet that second part of your life, but it will come to you when you least except it ! Mine Did !!
ReplyDeleteIt's been 6 months for me and the thought of dating or putting myself out there is just so foreign I don't see myself on dating sites, or hooking up w/anyone local (always was a standing joke w/DH about the apparent lack of "suitable" available people in our particular neck of the desert). Yet I do know that I am open to another relationship down the road. I'm at the point where if it's meant to be, it will happen & I'm not in any rush to go out looking for it! I had it all w/my DH (who was my 2nd), & having had that I don't see myself living by myself for the rest of my life when there is still so much of it to be lived.
ReplyDeleteDH died suddenly & unexpectedly in May at the young age of 60. This past month I took myself away from here on my first road trip since to my HS 40th reunion (visiting friends & family along the way). Most of my classmates who attended were aware of my loss thru facebook and were sooo very supportive - lots of hugs. They'd visited w/my DH at our reunions every five years for the past 25 years. Also made quite the connection w/my 1st HS BF who has been going thru a divorce for the past year. Totally unexpected but found myself very open to it, & find myself definitely enjoying the connection and the feelings associated with it. Probably a good thing we live 10 hrs apart right now, as we are both forced to take a little time to get to re-know each other and allow ourselves to finish working thru our losses. He knew both my husbands, 1st was another HS classmate, & we were still good enuf friends that he attended my 2nd wedding to make sure that husband was going to take care of me...
I guess I am dating - in a long distance way as we sort out our lives - but it just happened, & whose to say where it will lead. Just having ideas about the possibilities is a nice change tho I must admit. If it doesn't work, it certainly won't be the end of my world - I've already experienced that! But if it does somehow, how kewl is that?!?
Yes others always think they know what is best for us until one day they will find themselves being a widow or widower. There is no such thing as happily ever after. We all have to go thru life changing events so just stay busy and productive and take life as it comes.
ReplyDeleteDating sounds like a bad idea because it might just put one on an emotional rollercoaster that results in too many negative experiences. I think its better to just take life one day at a time. I met my husband at a horse stables where he lived & worked very hard with his Dad. Love happened naturally between us so we ended up renting an apartment & lived together for 2 years & then decided to get married & stayed happily married for 28 more years. When my husband's father pased away 6 years after we were married his mother sold the ranch. We both worked very hard at jobs we found. We both kept a positive attitude even when times were tough. He did his best for me & I did my best for him, we decided we could not afford to have any children and had no desire to have children. It was our goal to just survive, live the best life we could & take care of each other. We lived together in our cozy apartment for 15 years located next to a beautiful park then bought a beautiful nice 2 bedroom townhouse in a wonderful neighborhood for 15 more years close to a beautiful trail where we went on many great bike rides & beautiful nature walks. . He loved to cook, we enjoyed our meals together & did not really have any interest in going out to eat very often. He was a talented musician as well (keyboard player) ..... always creating music at home & he performed all the years we were together at hundreds of clubs in town and at mountain resorts with other talented musicians. He found out he had cancer February of 2009 & went thru treatement til November of 2010 when I lost him. He never complained & the staff at the cancer center adored him. He was my HERO from the day I met him, worked hard all his life. .... I LOVE him FOREVER & he will ALWAYS be my HERO.
ReplyDeleteWell, it is happening for me, I didn't look for it or ask for it but 7 months out I am really falling in love with my best friend. We have known each other for many years and my kids love him, as did my husband, but still we are moving slowly and cautiously as of course I am still hurting from the shock of my husband's abrupt passing. In my stronger moments I know it is right, in my weaker moments, I am somewhat guilt-ridden. It can't be stopped, it is a very powerful feeling of rightness and peace. Still, at this point, I am only comfortable with people seeing us as the good friends we have always been. I don't want anyone to judge me but I am trying to move beyond needing anyone's approval. next year...
ReplyDelete