After Lane died I tried to do things like he did. Didn't start the dishwasher until it was full. Called his sister on Sunday. Always parked where he did at the airport. These little gestures made me feel closer to him. I thought he would approve.
The other day I noticed that I now park in another lot at the airport. I start the dishwasher when I am low on coffee cups. And I call my sister-in-law whenever I'm in the mood to talk to her.
Does this mean I have moved on? That life is easier now? No. Not really. But doing these little things my way does make me feel the way Lane would want me to feel -- confident and self assured. He would definitely approve.
What are the little things that you do differently than your husband?
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I am not at that time frame yet. I am still doing things the way I think Robbie would want me to. The clothes I wear, where I park the new car he got me 6 month before he got sick. My husband was a race car driver for fun. He raced for 24 years (figure 8's). What is keeping me going now is we are planning a race in his name and I am trying to make sure that all the racer will be treated fairly. Robbie always wanted the driver done right, so that is what I am trying to do. I miss him so much it has been a very long 7 month. I keep wondering when I will not cry every day
ReplyDeleteThanks again Sue for being here
This spring I was taking both Suv's that I decided to keep back & forth to the car wash because my husband took pride in wahing our trucks , polishing the wheels etc, This summer I found a car wash where I pay a little extra and have the staff wash both SUVs, polish the wheels etc. I know they do a better job then me & I know my husband would like that. Also I had my carpets cleaned, my husband took pride in
ReplyDeletesteam cleaning the carpets himself. He loved to cook & I loved his meals, he was a wonderful chef but now I focus on just trying to eat fish, chicken & fresh fruits & vegetables & keep it simple. I look forward to going out on walks on beautiful days & I feel his presense like he is walking alongside with me.
Three weeks after I lost my husband I went to a anually held horse show in a adjourning state, met with people who I only get to see twice a year. These are friends from a distance, but still very good friends. One of my fellow riders took me aside, asked how I was doing, she's about 15 years younger than me. I told her it was tough, I cried all the time. she nodded and said I know, I lost my husband 6 years prior. I had no idea. She was probably the most helpful to me without ever reallying knowing at that time. She told me to cry when you feel like crying, laugh when you feel like laughing and in time it will be more laughing than crying. How right she was. Now 2 years later I told her at our annual show just how much her words and comfort meant to me. I'm trying to pass this on. Cry when you feel like crying, laugh when you feel like laughing and soon you will stop one day and say, I'm laughing more than crying. Sounds simple but I know it's not.
ReplyDeleteI can certainly understand where you're coming from in that these gestures make you feel closer to him. I always have Jack in mind when I make choices and do things that I know he'd support, but I've always been very much my own person and did things my own way when he was here, so I never felt the need to do differently. He always admired my independence.
ReplyDeleteWhen he died unexpectedly in a traffic accident, I, like all of you, went from feeling secure and strong to all of a sudden felt very dependent and helpless.
A good friend gave me some simple words of wisdom that have always been my favorite - You were Nina before you were Nina and Jack. You're still Nina.
Love those words of wisdom, Nina! So TRUE!
ReplyDeleteEverything I do is different from the way my husband did it. From washing dishes to washing the car. He would not stop until every dish was put away. The car and truck were washed, waxed, and the tires polished. He was more disciplined and detail oriented. Even though I took pride in his way of being so precise, I did/do things my way.
ReplyDeleteHowever, in things that matter, I still rely heavily upon his past wisdom, decision-making skills. It helps me feel more secure to do what he would do and in the way he would do it.
Now for the record, I do take my car to a professional car wash sometimes and leave feeling like my husband is giving me a 'thumbs up'!
My concern is I have friends of both sexes.but my interests lean more to male conversations. I am not interested in any relationship, I like my life as it is, but I feel like I have to walk on eggs for appearance sake. I hate that.
ReplyDeleteHi friends, Today would have been my husband's 65th birthday. He did not reach that pivotal age of retirement. But I am enjoying mine in remembrance of him. There is no sadness today. Just reflecting on how I can continue to honor him by being proactive and confident as I carry on. So grateful for our 38 years together. Miss you honey!
ReplyDeleteHello Sue (and readers),
ReplyDeleteYour story about doing things as your husband, Lane, would have done them and thereby feeling closer to him resonated with me. I lost my husband in 2003 when he was 47 years old. He left me and our 14 month old son. Fast-forward to today, our son is 9 and misses not having a dad--he only knows his father through stories told by me and his grandparents. I spent years keeping things the same to hold on to my husband. But for the past few years, I have begun to change some things to be more true to myself. There were things I was willing to compromise on and change about myself and how I do things, in order to be one half of the couple we were. Those things don't quite work anymore for just me. So I am still in the process of redefining myself without my husband and as a single parent.
I know my husband is near and watching over us. I know that all he would want for us is that our lives be healthy and happy and full of love. But, I have found myself to be quite disenfranchised in my present circumstances. I'd like to meet widows and widowers who are in the same boat--middle-aged with school aged children--not just for me, but for my son. I think the friendships and connections we could make with those who have come from similar experiences would be great for us.
I have observed a big difference between those of us who are widowed and those who have separated/divorced. Does anyone know of any such widow and widower groups/organizations?
I am so tired of being sad, and tired of being tired and ever muscle in my body aching from trying to hold it all together for everyone. 22 months I miss you, I miss you. I miss you.
ReplyDeleteSGGG
My husband has been gone less than two months. I was his caregiver for several years so the hardest change, aside from losing him, was all the time I suddenly had to fill each day. Though I am in grad school, this hardly begins the hours I used devote to his care and just spending time with him. Though I miss him terribly, I have been trying to do engage in healthy behaviors that had fallen by the wayside. I go to the gym or engage in some form of exercise everyday and am eating healthfully. It makes me feel more in control of my life and helps fill the time. I also founded a scholarship in his name (he was an educator). Still, I'd trade every healthy day for one more day laughing with my beloved.
ReplyDeleteTo Anomymous looking to connect with other widows with school age children. Go to www.ywbb.org. I've made some wonderful friends on and offline there. Check out the WidowBago Weekends to see where people in your area are getting together in person.
ReplyDelete