After a hectic few weeks at work I am looking forward to enjoying my annual cousins weekend. I have 2 female cousins who I am very close to and for the last couple of years we do a "girls" (we haven't been girls in many decades) weekend. So I leave tomorrow for a sunny beach front condo.
One of my cousins is happily married with great kids and a good career. She is excited about life and is fun to be with. My other cousin has a not so good marriage, a part time job she hates and not much else. She had all the potential but made some bad choices that keep her from being happy.
I look forward to this long weekend every year. I am going to have fun and be fun putting all my sad thoughts away for a couple of days. I used to think I was betraying Lane if I laughed a lot or enjoyed myself too much. It sounds kind of silly when I say it aloud but I did feel guilty when I had fun or let myself act silly. Sometimes I still do.
Does having a good time ever make you feel guilty?
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in the long run maybe i can smile with out faking it,but i really dont know how to get there,even i bought a new shirt i feel guity, simple as that, i dont have my husband to tell me honey.... you look so pretty on that color, most of the times im avoiding my friends because they are always laughing so loud and always having fun and i feel so guilty when im with them , my husband is gone for only 3 months,dont get me wrong they are great friends but i just cant get there tunes for now,.i feel sometimes that my life is no point at all,inside me is dying...i want my husband back...im getting crazy..thanks again sue.*always thinking of you Peter*
ReplyDeleteIt was a long time before I could really laugh and enjoy a fun-filled occasion. I, too, felt like I was faking for the sake of others; so I didn't have any guilty feelings. I now make a point to watch more programs/movies that make me laugh. It helps chase away the sad thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI just returned from a family Labor Day trip to Chicago and it was really nice. I thought of my husband often during the fun festivities but it was like he was with me in the spirit. We had taken that trip several times during our 38 years together.
I strive to enjoy life as much as possible and I'm grateful that guilt is an emotion that I do not have.
I think you really touched on a nerve with that question Sue, especially with the amount of responses it didn't generate. Here we are, mature women and this question goes straight to our hearts and I don't think even under the cloak of anonymous can we truly speak honestly and freely about this. If we're honest and truly can and are willing to live our lives as women, we will be meeting other people, possibly men who will offer companionship and intimacy, we have to live our lives in the light of day. If this new relationship is developed under total honesty than we should not feel any guilt for this new emotion, because Im sure this is a issue spoken out loud. For some the door will never open for others it will. Once again this will be our own choice, with no rights or wrongs just a very personal choice. But if we are blessed with the opportunity to care about someone in this way,remember our lost loves will always be in our hearts, minds, but they truly would not want us to wander thru the remainder of our days with a feeling of guilt everytime we laughed, or loved.
ReplyDeleteVery well said, Annonymous. My earlier response of having no feelings of guilt with having fun and enjoying life, was specifically in that respect. After three years, I am still not interested in a personal relationship with anyone and have not been on a date thus far. Your valid point of being women who should honestly keep an open mind to love again without guilt is reassuring. Maybe that door will open for me but I am not searching for it. Even though I do miss male conversation, I feel that it would be unfair to the other person to make a commitment right now. Also at the age of 64, the prospects are slim. However, I will never say never!
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband died 5 years ago, I was 3 months pregnant. I was absolutely sure I couldn't love again, and felt guilty with every laugh. I realized quickly that I needed to be a good example for my child and teach her how to be a survivor in the face of tragedy. Not just a survivor, but to really LIVE. I've done that. My daughter is 4 and knows her biological father as her Angel Daddy. He was my dream and my love and I'll do everything in my power to help her know him. I've also remarried and my daughter calls my new husband Daddy - hence Angel Daddy vs Daddy. I live in honor of my late husband and know that he wouldn't respect me as a person if I just gave up. A friend reminded me that our hearts have an endless capacity for love and loving another doesn't take an ounce away from my love for my late husband. Yes, life is often bittersweet and I don't flutter through each day as if nothing has changed. But I value things differently and each laugh without my late love is a laugh in honor of him. I know he's laughing with me. Love and prayers to each of you experiencing this journey.
ReplyDeleteReading your comments, I can see I am not one of those who are going to "make it." I just cannot picture ever being able to love again. I told my husband if he died before me, I would never remarry and honestly, I cannot picture it. I am heart broken as I know you all are, but I guess I will be one of those broken ones who never heal in that way. Maybe I am too weak. I feel like I will be broken forever. I went to a church dinner the other night and it was lovely. I looked at all the happy faces, loving families, and just wanted to cry. I was happy for them and would never begrudge their happiness, but I realized I may never be happy inside like I was. I shared in their happiness, but I was so sad. I am lost even to myself I guess. I can muster up a good facade, but I can't seem to be genuinely happy, never mind feeling guilty about something that makes me happy.
ReplyDeleteI posted Anonymously at first, but I'm the one who's 5 years out and my honey died when I was pregnant. Just wanted to connect these posts and make myself available for others. I think this is a really valuable forum - thanks to Sue.
ReplyDeleteI know how it feels to think you'll never love again and I won't try to convince anyone otherwise. Maybe it isn't for everyone. But I will suggest that happiness is a choice you make for yourself. Being sad is what you know now and it's easier in the short run because you don't have to change but it makes your life harder in the long run. Being happy is the opposite in that it's harder in the short run and is certainly an effort you must make, but in the long run life is so much better.
I cry, I recognize all the bittersweet moments, I miss him. Deeply. Every day.
But I live. In honor of him and because of him. He made my life so much better for having loved him and he gave me our child.
Just keep your minds open to the fact that time will pass and you will move on. In unpredictable ways. God opens doors and if you're open to seeing them and brave enough to walk through, your life can be wonderful again.
Truly and deeply, God bless.
Nina
Nina, thank you for both of your posts. I found my precious husband back in May, he had had a heart attack while working out at our home. He was 39, never been sick. We have been married for 15 yrs and have 3 children. I can honestly say we had a marriage of no regrets, we were madly in love, we couldn't get enough of each other, even with 3 kids we still had regular date nights...anybody who know us, know that we were giddy for each other and it was a true love story:) These last 4 months have been such a roller coaster..I have huge faith in God and I know He has a reason for why he took such an amazing husband and dad..I may never understand. Some on this site, may think I am crazy, but I miss that love so badly, I long to be loved like that again and to love again. I was confident in my marriage and our love, I am only 35 and I long for that again. I would never consider dating or thinking of anyone if my kids were not ready for it or against it. But, I am open. I sometimes think, should I really be thinking this way so early on? Or, who in their right mind would ever think about dating me, a widow, with 3 children. But, I know if God wants me to experience it, He will allow it to happen...Whether I ever fall in love again, I know I was blessed with an amazing love story for 15 years, I was blessed with something most women only dream about
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry! My prayers to you and your children. I know you all feel as if the rug's been pulled out from under you. My husbands death, motorcycle accident, was sudden too. Ironically, he left work to be safe and swap his bike for his car due to rain in the forecast. He was hit by a 17 year old who turned left into him.
ReplyDeleteFrom experience and observation, be careful. You're still in "married" mode. You still feel married and you'll carry that feeling with you when you date. You're missing companionship. Just suggesting that you'll probably do best to find a widows group (ywbb.org online and on Facebook), and socialize, talk, give yourself time to level out.
Then there's nothing wrong with moving forward. I lost my husband in 2006 and remarried in 2009. Before I met my new husband, I dated a few different guys (also widows) but I married a non-widow. We can talk more about that if you want, but fair warning that your kids will probably be most supportive while your family and friends will be the one's telling you it's wrong or too soon. Everyone's got their own idea of what's right, but you know the best for yourself. Just give yourself time and find that companionship slowly. :)
When my husband of 26 years died suddenly, I vowed to never get married again, him being my second husband I have lost in death. But, someone from my past, of 45 yrs ago, (we were teen sweethearts), came back into my life. My husband had been gone for a year and a half. This was so unexpected! But I feel now, six months later and in love again, that it was God telling me to live life and enjoy every moment, because our days here are so short on this earth!
ReplyDeleteI do not feel guilty. I gave my all to my deceased husband, whom I dearly loved. If I have learned anything thru my two losses, is that we have to live for the living. Feeling guilty and sad when you can be happy and fulfilled, is not doing our deceased husbands justice. I am the same person I was before my husband passed away, a vibrant, youthful, young at heart, sixty-two year old, who deserves happiness and joy. I was not looking for love again, but I can tell you it feels soooo right! I am going to let love take its course. It is time for me!! No apologies or guilt allowed!! I feel so blessed and thankful to be truly loved again, by a wonderful, sensitive, caring man.
It has been said, "time heals all wounds", but I prefer to say, "God uses time to heal wounds." Blessings to all!
My husband died suddenly 3 years ago at the age of 41. We have 4 young children and I still feel everyday that I am living someone elses life. I still wear my rings because to me Im still married. We were married almost 12 years. Loss just seems to be everwhere my mother passed away 3months ago from cancer and she was my other constant. Losing both of them just makes me feel alone even though I have 4 still young children to care for. I am 42 and feel like I have already lived my life the remainder is just getting thru. My husband was a great guy we and had a good marriage there is so much more ahead I know and happiness with my kids. I hear the saying "God gives you what you can handle" and I am very religious but think thats ^!
ReplyDeleteafter my husband died, i had insomnia and bad dreams, had to go on a sleep aid.haven't been able to get away from that.when i try to sleep without one, i still have bad dreams three years later.has anyone had this problem? Any suggestions?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, 9/13 post-
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I was diagnosed with it because of flashbacks and sleep issues too. Lost my mom and husband 5 weeks apart. Unexpected for my husband, and though my mom had been in failing health along time her final weeks collided with my dh's unexpected, rapid death to cancer. Traumatic in both instances.
Have you done any counseling with a grief counselor or a psychologist??? It was recommended by my hospice counselor that if I went on medication it should be done under the care of a psycho-therapist, not a medical doctor alone.
Three years is a long time to suffer so much. I hope you will consider the above if you are not already counseling in some form.
Hugs to you and please keep posting on how you are doing.
Thank you for the advice.I have experienced multiple and traumatic losses, repeatedly for the last seven years.I didn't consider ptsd, but makes sense. I have been thinking of attending a grief group or attending counseling.I figure I must be feeling better in some ways, because the thought of going anywhere beyond work seemed like too much....saved all my energy to get through the work day, would get in the car, and enter the twilight zone until morning again. Thank you for your kind words.
ReplyDeleteI am so greatful for coming across this blog...thank you, Sue! I lost my husband of 30 years in April of 2009 after a very short battle with a rare form of stomach cancer. I miss him so much every day, but recently I have become so SAD about losing him just as our children have become adults and we could start thinking about retirement and enjoying ourselves after working so hard to raise our family. I am struggling to find a new normal, a new vision...my "give a shit's busted" I guess you could say! I think I will be visiting your blog often in my quest for happiness! Thanks for this outlet, Sue!!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I lost my husband 89 years ago. I sent my oldest to College and the youngest is starting high school. Everybody says I am strong. Today I went to look for a car because my old one is giving me so much trouble and I do not have the money. Today I felt so lonely and I just felt like the widow who lost her husband nine years ago. No friends to walk to the car lot. Everyone is busy with their spouses. When a friend wants to get together is only because her husband is out of town. It is lonely to be a widow because no one calls you unless they do not have their partner around. I am a fighter. After today I decided to turn around my career and fulfill my dreams. I want to continue be the mom that can do all things in spite of the loneliness. I dream that one day I will have that happy ending of meeting the one who will spend the next half of my life. Thanks for listening to me.
ReplyDeleteIt's been 19 weeks & one day since Billy died. I miss him so much. Sometimes I wonder how I can go on by myself with only 2 dogs & one cat for company. Sometimes I think that I am better off alone. The first time I was widowed I had a 3 year old & a 6 year old & a full-time job & very little time to think. Now all I have is time to think. I keep reminding myself that I am in charge of my life. But it isn't as easy as it sounds. Since I am unemployed Sunday is no different than the rest of the week except I don't watch as much television. I am grateful for my dogs & my garden. They help keep me sane.
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