My husband has been dead for 5 years. I have managed to "get a life" and try not to complain or dwell on my loss to others. I go along day to day laughing at myself and trying to be happy for others.
What my friends and family don't realize is that I am running on empty. I don't feel intense sadness anymore but I don't feel joy either. I was never overly emotional or a drama queen but now I am so even keeled it's a little scary.
I guess losing my husband sucked the emotion right out of me. I don't feel highs or lows that are part of life. As a widow you don't have a sparring partner or a cheerleader. There isn't anyone to get you riled up or calmed down. So, I let those emotions slip away.
On the outside I seem fine but on the inside I am running on empty. While it keeps me from feeling really down I must admit it also robs me of feeling really good. But between us girls, it's not a good way to live your life.
Is anyone else out there running on empty?
Sue
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All the time. It's all about the facade, the appearance that we're "moving on" but it's a sham for many of us. How do you just stop living the life you lived for 30+ years?
ReplyDeleteI'm not depressed or obsessive by any means. I just accept that this is part of whatever process I'm in right now.
It is what it is. Just remember to laugh every so often...especially at yourself. No one gets our widow humor anyway.
I wish I had known this site existed prior to tonight. My amazing husband will be gone 2 years this Sunday 3/3/2013. I feel as though a surgeon opened me up and removed something and left a huge hole inside of me. I am so sorry to read what the rest of you have gone through too. So very sorry. Bonnie
DeleteI also was one not to be very emotional, however shortly after my husbands death I became so angry with him that no matter how silly this sounds I wanted to kill him. I have been told by a friend tht I am the most emotionally stable person that he knew and he was a counselor. Yes I am emotionally stable but if do get riled up and it does take a lot I will stay that way for weeks.
ReplyDeleteI agree totally that not only do not the negative and angry feelings not come out but also the good part of the emotional feelings like feeling good are also gone.
The only time I feel great is when I dream about my husband. I had a nice dream about him last night & we talked to each other all night.....then I had to wake up. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing he is living forever in my heart. He was so honest .....such a wonderful wise patient man.
ReplyDeleteYes, running on empty is a frequent state of mind for me. As of August 23rd, I've had three years of making all the decisions, having to depend on others for house/car maintenance, etc., and it makes me anxious, annoyed, and insecure. I realize all of this is a part of moving on and it's supposed to make me stronger. But sometimes I don't feel like being strong. I yearn for his wisdom, advice and encouragement. So when faced with big decisions, I usually say "What would Junius do?" I live in the Hurricane Katrina area and our house was severely damaged. My husband became ill and died before the repairs were complete. We were temporarily in a FEMA trailer! It was pure agony dealing with the contractors, moving back in the house WITHOUT him all while in intense emotional pain. I am grateful for my progress so far, and pray that it will only get better. In the meantime, I too use laughter as a feel good emotional lift. Thanks for 'listening'.
ReplyDeleteI hit the point of exhaustion about every 2 weeks. I tell myself, there is not one more thing I could possibly do. But, then I find and do more tasks. I'm feeling stronger today than I was the other day. I'm the headstone "queen" this week. I just finished up my husbands headstone and I'm working on his brothers. Got to stay focused and look forward to the future. Remembering Elvis on the annivarsary of his death... Trish...
ReplyDeleteYes, I am running on empty and I mean totally dry. I live in Texas and this summer of multiple days of over 100 degrees sap you of any reserve you may have had. It is like having a blizzard everyday all winter if you live in the north. I've had three years of running on empty and I agree with all the feelings of the ladies comments above. I long to be truly happy again, I mean really filled with joy. I long to feel loving companionship and just to share the simple things of life with someone you love. I have accepted my husband's death; he is not coming back. I am silently struggling to find a new path for my life. Everyone thinks I am "fine" and I guess I am "fine" but I want to be "FINE!".
ReplyDeleteWow. I'm only 9 months (today) into this journey, and many of you have been doing this much longer then me. I run on empty a lot of the time, but I do have some really good days, or parts of days -- so it is not good news to hear that this state could really last quite a while.
ReplyDeleteI am mostly overwhelmed with all there is to do and I wonder if I will ever feel halfway in control of my life again. I feel compelled to accomplish a lot each day because I have a lot I NEED to do each day -- but some days I don't have the energy or motivation. But even on the good days, I feel like it will take me forever to reach my goals. It's like running through 3 feet of molasses.
I listen to music fairly often. Sometimes I listen to James Taylor (Al's favorite) or Barry White when I'm looking to let the feelings come out a little. But other times, I listen to other genre of music to support my upbeat feelings on good days -- and sometimes I even dance. Sometimes I have jazz going in the background while I work, yet other times I play ambient music. I also select movies and reading material based on my moods. But the point is -- sometimes I feel really OK, and I really laugh and sometimes I even tell jokes. But sometimes I'm tearful or depressed or feel just awful and out of kilter or impatient/angry with everyone. So, while most of the time I'm running on empty also, I do have some good times -- and after reading all your comments I realize that on some days part of my day feels quite normal and that is very encouraging to me. It tells me I'm going to make it. Thanks for the poignant thoughts about this particular topic -- The post took me by surprise, Sue -- I didn't expect to read those thoughts for some reason. I'm not so even keeled as you -- yet -- maybe I'll get there. Or maybe I don't want to get there. My brother and sister keep me riled up and my children calm me down -- and I don't always hide my feelings from friends and family. But maybe that is because I'm only at the 9 month mark. Maybe at the 2 or 3 or 5 year mark my friends will be over it -- and I know I won't be -- but I sure hope there will be a higher percentage of happier days at that point. I'm hopeful and I'm exercising faith.
Wow! So many heart felt posts from "us" widows... We all have our sayings and most of us feel the same way. The best is... Everyone thinks I am "fine" and I guess I am "fine" but I want to be "FINE!" You said it all... Let's all keep up the front and smiles... Trish...
ReplyDeleteIt's been 14 months since my wonderful husband passed away. We were married almost 19 years. I am and always have been very independent with day to day events but it is so hard being without my best friend. I miss the hug the kiss and the smile. And yes everybody thinks I am doing well but they dont see inside my heart now like they did one year ago because I dont want to keep talking about him. Miss him forever.
ReplyDeleteI'm fine. my standard answer, and I have become such a good actress over the last 21 months since my husband Geoff died, that most people believe I'm fine. But inside I am dying. I am so tired, I'm exhausted I never stop moving because if I stop it becomes real. I am tired and so lonely. How can you be surrounded by so many and be so, so alone. I want my life back, I want my love back, I am tired of trying to figure out this new normal - we had such a great life plan growing old together -- now what?
ReplyDeleteHighs and lows - today is a low.
Running ... and empty
Almost 17 months for me and I am on empty every day even though I just keep going like the little energizer bunny. I long for his companionship, I long for him to come back in the door, I long for him in the hospital bed (even sick). I just want one more kiss, one more smell, one more touch. Empty I am and I don't know how to get a refill.
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to this. My stock answer is always, "I'm good... Staying busy." Complete with the stupid fake smile and all.... The fact is, I am pushing so hard because I don't want to have time to think. I stay up until my eyes won't stay open anymore. Been listening to lots of music at night. Music always makes me cry.
ReplyDeleteIt has been three months and one week since my husband died. Tomorrow is his birthday. I spent the afternoon looking through old pictures. I want to post some pics on FB tomorrow. I realized how few I have because Rick was always the one taking the pictures. Wish I had more...
In the morning, I think I am going to play a round of golf. I hope it will be early enough that I can be alone. Rick loved golf.
So yeah... Empty. Very empty.
Aug. 11th was 2 years for me...missing him every minute. People don't ask how I'm doing anymore, they've forgotten that I lost the most important person in my life, and think I'm "doing fine"...which I am not. Right now I'm overwhelmed with the task of trying to get things together to move....back where my adult children live. I also think I'm just too old for all these changes....I have nothing to look forward to and really wouldn't care if it all came to an end now......except for the mess I'd be leaving my kids. Still have important things to do regarding "my estate".......don't even have a will, but most of what I do have is in accounts that list them as beneficiaries. It's my house that would be the big problem for them....I'm not sucidial, just have no zest for living anymore, and can only look forward to more of the same.
ReplyDeleteWhen people ask how I'm doing, I say "I don't know." it's been a little over 2 months since my husband died. I don't know what to do. I spend all my time at home. I just want to be left alone. I feel totally numb. I take antidepressants, but I can't cry or feel joy. It really sucks. Thanks all for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI am replying to this because I relte to it so much. this is now July 2012 and my husband died almost 3 months ago. I know exactly how you feel, want to stay home alone all the time, to be left alone. It's odd, I even resent the phone calls sometime. I am still debating whether to take antidepressants. I make myself get out and do things sometimes but can't wait until I can get back home, back closer to where he used to be and his memory still very much is. I still do a lot of crying, even loud crying. People tell me it will get better but I wonder.
DeleteFound this site and Im right there. My husband died June 22,2012.
DeleteHe was in a rest home 49 days and I kick myself because he wasn't home in my bed where he wanted to be. He had a demencia with hallucinations and delutions, but we had some good times too and he was pleasant to sleep with because he stayed in good physical shape even after being married almost 54 years. Will I ever get over the second guessing, and overwelming heavy sadness in my heart?
Sue, you hit the nail on the head, EMPTY. That is the word I have been looking for. I get along just fine but just don't enjoy things as I use to. When I am with my kids and grandkids I feel good but when I am not I feel empty, like what's the use. Don't know if dating would help but I don't want to deal with that either.
ReplyDeleteI'm in a funny sort of state. At one level I do feel empty, but at another level I'm all stirred up. Next week will be one year, and next Sat. we're having a gathering of close friends and family to disperse John's ashes. Last year during and after his death I was pretty numb for a while. This month I'm feeling it more. There's a lot of sad, and a big lump of anger. But when I clear all that away, it's mostly empty. I need to go play some music and stop thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteToday is one month since the death of my husband. I also feel so empty. People wear me out. My sister is coming next week for a 5 day visit. I have been alone most of the time since his death. I'm not sure that I don't prefer being alone. You don't have to talk and put on a false happy face. I really don't care about anything at this time. I feed the animals and fish so they won't die. I spend alot of time just getting up and down and walking around doing nothing. The future does not interest me right now.
ReplyDeleteI see on here that every women feels the same way I do. I lost the love of my life on Feb. 6,2011. I never would have believe when he went into the hospital in January that he would not be coming home. I so understand the feelings of being alone, now being called single. (to me I will always be married NOT single) I also get the empty feeling inside I smile and let everyone think I am fine but inside either I feel nothing or I hurt so bad I just don't want to go on. I am way to young to be a widow only 48 years old. What I don't get is how people tell you because you are young that you should date. Can you believe one of my friends said that to me not even a month after. I would never wish this pain on anyone but sometimes people really need to think before they talk. I keep reading everyones posts and it is like you are reading my mind in my head and heart. Thank you all for sharing will be back
ReplyDeleteAs of today it has been 3 months since my husband died and I know exactly what you mean about being on empty, and not wanting to do anything. I can go days without seeing or talking to anyone. My routine involves taking my dog for twice daily walks and puttering around in the yard, but the rest of the time I'm just sitting around. Until about a week ago I couldn't even read. I had no concentration. I'm not sure what the future holds, in fact I don't really care.
ReplyDeleteHI,SUE, i have been here a few times posting since being a widow of 13 months.I TOO HAVE MY NUMBNESS THING GOING ON .i don,t cry 24 -7 like i use to.but it is hard to feel happy even @special occasions like a wedding i have to go to next may.but all of my husband's family are going .iam able to do some of the things i did befor now,i took my dog camping for aweekend in july. she loved it more than me.we went where me and my husband camped befor.there were good memories there,but i was still sad tho,cause he was not here to go this time,first time i went alone with out him.he passeda was last july ,a heart attack at 47 years old.datede 10 years got married after 10 years(it was complicated) then he passed away 5 months later 2weeks after our vacation.i t does ease with time.but it will never be the same again ,just different.i still take on day at atime.his 49th birthday would have been last saturday,i still had the cake and coffee for a rememberance of his day.and i had a get together rememberance day on his year.KEEP BUSY IS THE KEY.don,t just stay home that is not good,after his 3 months i took a ceramics class at night.it was 2 months every thursday,it helped ,i felt some normalcyby doing something i liked to doand it kept my mind off the sad and loneliness for a few hours at night.volunteer,work or orgo out to lunch witha friend.i even took my self to a early movie,i pushed my self to go ,there were afew people in there alone too,i sat near the door of the theatre .i was glad i went .can,t stop living cause are loved ones are not with us.life is too short.i felt like you all did the first months then this past newyears eve made it worse,but i did go to grief counseling one on one.helped alot.it helps to talk it out with a proffessional,some people go to their church to get counseling.i went the first month.everyone is different ,but our feelings are all the same.i don,t isolate your self ,please it can make things worse,seek counseling if you have any suicidal thoughtsor are deeply depressed.we are all here to help each other along this tough journey of widowhood.take care all and THANKS AGAIN SUE for writing this blog.i always read it,it helps emmensely.
ReplyDeleteReading all this, I realize you all have the same emotions that I have had. After 27 years of marriage it was so scary when my husband died. I would shake in bed; I was so scared of being without him. Although I was always independent; you never know how much you depend on someone, how much you need them. It took 8 months seeing an excellent therapist, and wonderful friends, my children; that kept me going. But even after 5 years, I sometimes still feel that empty feeling.
ReplyDeleteMy husband passed away on June 7, 2011, so I haven't been part of this club for very long. He was the love of my life, my soulmate -- how do I even begin to make a life without him? Empty certainly describes how I feel. At the moment I'm trying to plan his memorial on October 1st, so that at least helps me get out of bed in the morning, but I have to keep reminding myself that his memorial won't change anything -- it won't bring him back. At only 59, and after 22 wonderful years of marriage, we were just getting to the stage that couples work their whole lives for. Having him taken away makes me so sad and angry. I've always been very independent, but I miss having my partner and sounding board. I don't think I ever realized the enormity and of making every single decision alone...
ReplyDeleteYes, I am running on empty also. I live in AZ and the unending summer days of over 100 degrees does me in. I accepted a f/t teaching position so I'd have something to keep me focused & more than busy while I'm getting used to this widowed state of being as well as provide an income until I can get my widow benefits in two years. I'm good at what I do, feel good about doing my best to help these kids get what they need to make it thru HS. My co-workers & even the HSers do bring a smile to my face & laughter into my days occasionally. But as several of you have said, it's more about keeping me at an even keel. I'm not feeling horribly sad & depressed, but there is no real joy either... It is what it is, and I don't want this to be what it is for the rest of my life. I'm only 58 & have a long way to go. I miss being truly happy, that feeling of joy that comes w/loving, trusting companionship and sharing myself & life in general with someone I love. At 4 months I have accepted my husband's death & know he is not coming back. I am struggling to find a new path for my life not only as a person w/a changed perspective about my place in the world, but also on 2/5's the income. Everyone says I am strong, and I know that I am, I have dealt w/a few other crises in my life so holding myself together in order to "get to the other side of it" is not a new concept to me. But having been blessed to live the last 27 yrs of my life in a truly loving, trusting, fulfilling relationship thru all its ups & downs I feel robbed of the joy of life and I know in my heart that is not a good way to live life to its fullest.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has been gone for 5 years now and I feel no joy anymore. I feel like I just exist. I am not horribly sad, but at times I am, but there is always a sadness just below the surface. I go to work each day with a smile on my face. Everyone thinks I am fine but inside I feel as you said EMPTY!!! I rarely laugh, rarely cry and am really without much emotion at all. I hate being a widow. I have not gotten used to it and don't think I ever will. My job keeps me going and I shudder to think of what I would do without it. I feel like I would just shrink up and blow away. Today I am so lonely and I just don't know what to do about it. It is hard to reach out, as everyone thinks you are OK and over it but you are never over it.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband to cancer. It will be six years on Sept 21. I took care of him, and he died with great dignity at home. I agree totally with the empty feeling. It doesn't seem to go away. I have learned to live with it. The best thing I heard after he died, was from my horseshoer, He said, "It doesn't ever get better, just different." I have found it to be very true. The "different" can be bearable. My husband had 100% disability from the VA, and I was able to go back to school. This has helped me a lot. I found it to be exciting to get good grades. I surprised myself. I am older and still able to learn things.It kinda gives me something to live for.I know that he would be proud of me too.
ReplyDeleteTwelve weeks ago he was gone....just gone-never to touch, hold, talk or "be" with ever again!!! Empty is a good word for this horrible feeling!! Yesterday he would have been 63 and next month "would have been" 43 years of marriage. We dated for 4 years before that.... I don't like this different either. Thanks to each of you who have shared...I feel all of the feelings described above... No matter how you slice it, we are still alone, the kind of alone only a widow can understand....Bless each of you.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very empty,sad day for me. It is or would of been our 50th wedding anniversary. I lost my husband to cancer 4 years and 11 months ago.
ReplyDeleteRon was a very squash fit 71 year old. Cancer killed him in two weeks, February 2011. My heart died at the same time, why am I here, what is there to live for - my soul mate has gone. I smile and say 'I'm fine' and no-one knows how I feel inside. When people say well done with my editorial writing I get satisfaction of something achieved but it is a flat feeling.
Deletemy darling was gone in an instant feb.4,2011. i couldn't even look at a site like this because i didn't want to admit i was a widow. it seems to me that the absence of Paul is devastatingly consuming. my lungs feel like they're going to collapse and my heart stop when i whisper his name in my mind. i don't want to live without him. i am lost.
ReplyDeleteIt's almost four years ago. He died suddenly of a massive heart attack in my arms in front of my children and grandchildren. He was 57, I was 56. We've been together since I was 15 and we have 4 great kids. He was always helping people and on the go. I always just tried to keep up with all his plans and goals. Now what? It is so empty now. So empty. I still feel lost. I have traveled a lot, spent time with my kids and grandkids a lot. I have stayed involved with life. I have even connected with an old friend for a year and it was very special for awhile... but it was not meant to be. His wife died 15 years ago and he has been alone for so long and it's just not meant to be. Which is another disappointment and loss that affected my emotions recently. Now, I have my house up for sale, making a complete change... just trying to find a place where I might belong and feel like I have some purpose in life. We lived here only 5 years when he died. We've moved a lot in our marriage and have friends all over, but no place I can really say is "home." I still work part-time, I finally got Social Security this year, which helped my financial panic attacks to lesson. I hardly know who I really am without him. I've always been a strong person, but now I feel like every decision is overwhelming and I second guess everything I do. I know about God and eternal hope and all that, but that doesn't take away the loneliness and the dead quiet every morning and every night. I am just so sick of it. I hate being alone and faking my smiles...so everyone thinks that everything is FINE. What good does it do to complain, because then everyone tries to analyze you and suggest ten million "fix=it" plans. It's just easier to put on the smile and try to be positive. So... here I am "venting" to the computer at 2 AM and hoping to get on with LIFE as it is now. Marquise de N
ReplyDeleteMy Bill died 3 1/2 years ago and I can't stand it. We were high school sweethearts. I would tell the students at the high school where we both worked that they made a movie about us...Grease. Bill had cancer and when he died I felt so close to him and like I was God's only child. Now I feel so afraid and sad. It's like I was walking along and just fell into a deep dark hole. I have felt like this before, but this time I don't feel comfortable sharing it with my friends or family. I am so sick of feeling like this. I want to go on, but this wave overtakes me and pulls me down. I don't want the moon and the stars I just want to get a good night's sleep and wake up filled with gratitude for the life I had and the life I have. I think I am afraid that there is no heaven and that I really and truly will never see him again. I find that thought unbearable. When my Bill died I lost my husband, best friend, lover, confidant, work mate, personal driver, travel partner, date...the stage on which I danced.
ReplyDeleteI'm grateful for having found this thread today for I am feeling the same emptiness still, three and a half years since Dennis died. Cancer. 6 months after his diagnosis he was gone.
ReplyDeleteHe was and is the very special love of my life and I am feeling sad and angry today. I don't want to hear how great my life is and how lucky I am to have what I have. I don't feel lucky and I don't have my husband to grow old with. Goals and dreams are gone.
I stay involved with volunteering and work, but at the end of the day I wonder what the point is. I'm trying to steer my own ship but I didn't want this and I'm not giving it the gusto with which I would have normally attacked a problem. I can't help but wonder how long it will take to be truly happy again, if ever. My broken and battered heart is with you all.
First diagnosed in Aug. 2011 with CNS Lymphoma brain tumor my husband of 38 yrs. lost his battle with cancer on May 4, 2012. Since his death, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I'm resolved that he is at least no longer suffering from this terrible disease and then I feel such a void that I don't think can ever be filled. I try to stay busy but at the end of the day the sadness and emptiness fills my heart.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was not just my best friend but he was without a doubt my soul mate. I will be praying for everyone out there that time will at least ease our pain.
My beautiful husband has been gone for 9 weeks and running on empty is just how I am. I miss him, the laughter, the fun, the things we did together, the faith he had in me. I haven't cooked a meal or slept in our bed since he left.
ReplyDeleteHe was a very special man, and even though I know I was lucky to have met him and had almost 16 years with him, I want more - but I guess I will just have to wait until he comes for me, but soon Phil please, I don't want to be here without you - Amanda
Amanda:
DeleteI am so sorry for the loss of your loving soulmate, Phil. 9 weeks is such a raw and emotionally draining early stage of grieving. I think we all felt like we were running on empty and were in a panic on how to survive, while not really even wanting to. And on any given day still do.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. So try not have expectations of time or look to far ahead. It can be overwhelming. Try to do whatever feels right for you to help get you through that moment. We all must walk our own path in our own way. Feel your pain, be kind to yourself and know anything you think or feel is totally normal. The proof is here in all our sad posts.
After almost fifteen months of being without my soulmate of 46yrs all I have found is that things are different, not better. My thoughts are not as jumbled, the pain is not as raw, the tears are not as often, but decisions are more difficult, the emptyness still hurts, the tears still sting and life still sucks. I no longer feel whole without him. Like you said, my friend we were lucky to have had them, but we still hope they come for us soon.
We are glad you found us, Amanda and hope you keep in touch. The fabulous women here understand and you can say whatever you need to vent to help you through this individual roller coaster ride. Thank you for sharing your special love story of yet another one of our outstanding men. Peace and light to help brighten your dark moments, dear new sister. (((Warm Hugs))
Jan
Like all of you, I feel sad and empty all the time. I was 32 in 1982 when I finally met the man of my dreams, and he was 34. We got married in 1989 and my life was so complete, I was so happy. He has 2 sons from a prior marriage, but we never had any children together. We just made it to 20 years, before he passed on 10/23/09. It still seems like yesterday at times. No, it doesn't get easier. Our wonderful dog that we got 9 weeks old, died 10/1/12. That's when things started to get even worse. My whole family was gone. It was like having to go through Marty's death all over again. So after 3-1/2 years, I had to start taking anti-depressants, xanax, and even sleeping pills. My heart was totally broken. I do nothing except stay on the computer. I don't want to associate with anyone; I seldom even leave the house, except when I need groceries. I decided to go to the shelter and adopted another dog; the best company anyone can have. It gives me joy to play with Marley, but does not keep me from crying. Almost every morning I climb down the stairs with my eyes filled with tears. My sister is my life saver. She has been calling me practically every day since. Marty came from Indiana and so I moved here. My sister lives in NY, my brother lives in NJ, I have 2 nieces that live in Staten Island and PA; and 3 nephews living in Brooklyn. I was recently thinking of moving back east, but where? I can't afford NY or NJ; probably can make it in PA, but that is 3 hours from my sister. She recently retired, her husband will retire within 2 years, and they don't know where they will move to. My niece in S.I. will be moving to southern NJ around the same time. So where do I go; what do I do? So I'm still in Indiana, and I miss my Marty so very much, even after 3-1/2 years. Marley is 3 y.o., and keeps me more alive than before I got her, but missing my husband will never get easier, no matter what. My condolences to all of you, and my apologies for ranting. Peace to all. Barbara
ReplyDelete