Some people think that widows live in the past. That we wile away the hours staring out of the window saying "poor me."
Well, we don't. Most of us get up every day go to work, go to school, take care of our families and take care of our homes. We see friends, we cook meals, we pay bills and some us even try to have a social life.
Living in the past would be easy compared to living in the present. It is hard to make every decision on your own with no one to discuss things with. For many widows coping with their new financial present is a daunting task. Widows with kids still living at home don't have the time to live in the past.
Do we still wish our husbands were here with us? Of course we do. Did we have more fun the past more than the present? Most definitely. Do we like to talk about wonderful memories? So shoot us.
Most widows don't have the luxury of living in the past. We have to face the many hard realities of being on our own. Those realities are in the present and we live them every day like our married friends do. And if we want to talk about our old life every once in a while give us a break!
Do you live in the past?
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i confess there are moments when i close my eyes and pretend that life is as it was. but then they open and i go on. some moments are easier than others, but all of them pass.
ReplyDeleteeven if we want to live back there, the truth is so long as we are breathing, we cannot.
unless the commenter is another widow, she has no clue. Gently remind her of that...and that she really doesn't want to have one. this is a stinky club that no one _wants_ to join.
I have never been one to live in the past. I live in the present and the future -- I enjoy setting goals and working toward them. When Al died and I discovered that crazy "distraction stage", I became even more diligent in using my day planner -- writing down things I needed (or wanted) to do simply so I wouldn't forget them. It was a great idea for me, because it has helped me accomplish a lot and remember to do all the important things this last 9 months. Like you, I remember things from the past, but I don't dwell on them. Well -- gotta' run. This morning I'm refilling 3 vending machines with snacks and sodas at a college apartment building (after a scenic 1 hour drive to get there), stopping by a HUGE pet store for fish food and doggie treats (taking my golden retreiver with me on this run), back home to drop her off, then off to the hair dresser -- hair cut and touching up the roots :), then plan to pay bills which I'll mail tomorrow. Seems like a pretty normal day, huh? However, I'll miss Alan not making the drive with me and helping load the soda, or have him give me a hug this evening and tell me how great my hair looks, etc. But I'll be OK. Life does go on and things are looking up today. Blessings to all.
ReplyDeleteToday is the third anniversary of my husband's death. Thanks to the many ladies who have posted on this site, I have been encouraged to plan ahead. So, I have chosen to spend time today with two new friends I have made who did not know me nor "us" as a couple. After lunch, I will do a little shopping for an upcoming trip. Yes, I try to not 'appear' to be living in the past after 38 years of marriage! However, I loved my past lifestyle and still enjoy talking about my husband but limit it to family. Don't want to annoy those who think I should be 'over it'.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day, I will still be alone but at peace with the solitude. The feelings of melancholy are always with me but covered up with optimism.
Katie, I so relate to everything you said. July 30 was the third anniversary of my husband's death after 40 years of marriage. I have found that it is helpful in moving forward to meet new people who did not know me as" "his wife" or "us" as a couple. People still introduce me as ".......'s wife." or "Mrs. ......" I am not "Mrs" any more. I am unfortunately now a single person with a name. I am, as you, limiting my conversation about my husband to family. I do think others are annoyed and do think we should be 'over it' by now. I loved my husband very much and the life we shared but it is in the past - like our childhood is in our past- Life does go on. I know he would want me to live, love, laugh and be happy... so I am working on that.
ReplyDeleteWhen my first husband died 25 years ago I had a 6 year old and a 3 year old and didn't have time to dwell on the past. It is now 3 months since Billy died and even if I wanted to live in the past, there's no way I can. I have animals to feed, bills to pay, a garden to tend and a trip to prepare for (I'm planning to go to Florida to stay with my son this winter). I can get upset about the unfairness of it all; we had plans to travel and make home improvements. Now I have to do it all by myself, but I guess I'll just muddle through.
ReplyDeleteThanks Anonymous, I feel we are all kindred spirits. To know that you and others share similar experiences, it motivates me to exercise my growing confidence to do better. My outing today with new friends was rewarding. They did engage me about my husband but I was careful to not overload. As they are still married, I just gave them the analogy of being without your lifetime mate is like being right handed, then losing your right arm and having to learn how to do everything with you left hand.
ReplyDeleteI had a good day and couldn't wait to get home to 'tell' someone about it. This site provides an outlet for my feelings. Thank you so much for sharing!
As of late, when married individuals speak of their husbands, I too speak of mine. Why not, I was and still am married. However, it's not acceptable I guess cause the eye rolling starts happening. Then the big mistake. I was told I need to get my S*&^ together and move on. WHOA. WHOA there. Really, am I not living? Am I not struggling to balance that which needs to be met daily. Am I not daily faced with my past but I continue in the present and future? Yes, please give us a break. We're trying.
ReplyDeleteIt was 2 years on the 11th of this month since my husband died. Our 32nd anniversary is the 26th, August is a difficult month for me. However, the only people I really have any contact with are my adult children....and I am careful not to tell them how I'm really feeling. Which is awful...I thought by now I'd be handling losing him better than I am....in spite of being on an antidepressant I cry frequently. My heart is still hurting and probably always will. I miss him so.
ReplyDeleteKeeping my husband's memory alive is a priority to me & I enjoy thinking about him. My true love is always on my mind & lives in my heart & thats just the way it is. I completely loved him which is very different then friendships or relationships with family. I really don't care what people think, he was my husband & best friend not theirs. His memory keeps me motivated.
ReplyDeleteIt will be 11 months in Sept. that my husband of 48 years passed away. I miss him terribly and I am lost without him. He was my best friend, my champion, my hero. Yes, I suppose I still live in the past because we had so many plans for retirement. We never got to retirement. I am also angry that we never got to do all the wonderful things we had planned and there is no one for me to do those things with now. Even my children believe I should start moving on. No one understands that I just can't. Yes, I get up and do things, but those are just things I normally did even when he was alive. I have no desire to do the traveling that we wanted to do because I don't want to do it alone. There is no one to go with me. I don't think I will ever get over this and he will be with me forever. Also, I earned the title of Mrs. and I recent people degrading me down to a Ms. I will always use my title of Mrs. No one can take that away from me and I won't give it up. I love and loved my husband so much. We were together for so long and I just can't get use to him not coming home anymore.
ReplyDeleteI've learned to accept that there are days of yearning and days of getting things done. I don't think of it as living in the past or living in the present. It's just living.
ReplyDeleteMy adult stepdaughter and I find that we are really the only ones we can talk about our loss with. We're fortunate to have each other.
I'm so glad I came across this blog. My husband died 2 1/2 months ago. I don't really have anyone to talk to about processing all of this. I do see a therapist and my doctor regularly - both still have their husbands. I don't feel like myself these days. In fact, I'm crying more now than ever. My heart feels like it is in a million pieces. My husband traveled - usually one day per week he was away. I keep thinking he is just on a business trip and is going to walk through the door any minute. Then I realize that he's really not coming back. I have a dirty tee shirt of his that I smell every day - its fading, and that upsets me. It is nice to find this blog - to be able to share with all of you and know that we are not alone.
ReplyDeleteIt has been 19 months since I lost my best friend of 32 years together 29 married.People still tell me to get over it I say to them I never will. But I don't live in the past there is no time to do that. I have to be there for my daughter she is having a very hard time having a baby she has had two Molar pregnancy. So you see the only time I have to think about the past is at night when I am alone. Richie is always with me he is in my heart he is the best part of me. But I will go on because my girls need me and for now that will have to me enough.
ReplyDeleteMarie - I can relate 100% my husband passed away 21 months today, October will be our 30th anniversary, I don't tell anyone how i am really feeling. I was on meds stopped and am back on them I don't sleep. I don't live in the past as it no longer exists and the current can't possibly be real. I really don't feel anything but emptiness and sadness
ReplyDeleteIt's weird. It will be 17 months without my husband/best friend/ love of my life next week. I keep thinking it will be better. What is better? You don't cry as much (not in public at least? People stop asking "how are you" because by this time I tell them and they don't really want to know. Stop living know because I have so many more things that have to be done and I have to work to pay the bills. One daughter lives in Arizona and my youngest daughter leaves for college in 20 days; then it will be really lonley but still I won't stop because there will be still more that has to be done. Sue without Tom for 16 months.
ReplyDeleteI was reading one of the post's by some one anonymous who had lost there husband 2 and a 1/2 months ago. I so understand where you are coming from. It has been almost 3 months for me, I have been left with three kids and the oldest is 5, and just started kindergarten. I too was use to my husband going out of toen to see friends or for work, and I just keep thinking he will be back soon. I was once told the only thing people expect me to do is just breathe. What a croc. No people expect me to keep it together cry on que, be upset and ask for help all at the same time. Well guess what I don't want to ask for help I just want it. I went from having help with everything, a person who made sure the house wass clean washed clothes, and took care of the kids so I could work and go to school, and in the blink of an eye it was all gone. I have found my self tired of being around people who know me and him and ask me how i'm doing? all I really want to say is what do you think, how would you feel. And I have a mother-in-law who is living in the past see's a thereapist and talks about my problems rather then hers. I hear it will get better you are a strong person and you can get through anything. I just want to know when is it going to get any better.
ReplyDeleteHow can any widow not live in the past. He was a huge part of our lives. We shared everything on a daily basis... I'm 6 months into this new adventure and I speak of him always. How can you not? I find myself using some of his funny sayings (his humor was amazing). We laughed and talked 24/7. My birthday is Monday and I feel sad... He would say, "Happy Birthday Sweetie!" Then we would proceed to love on each other... I miss him, but I need to get thru this grieving process... Too sad what happened to us.. Like all of us... I'm watching my 1 month old grandson this week and this is such a beautiful thing. Staying positive and strong, but my heart is broke... Trish... :)
ReplyDeleteEverything here well said. Why should we have to stop thinking of them. What is getting your s(*)%$#%t together other than trying to kepp one's head above water and get through each day?? I am 7 months out next week and face my first birthday without any family at 55 years. It sucks completely. And I agree, I am still MRS. and please respect that. I spent the best 28 years of my life (more than half) with him and have not intention of moving on and leaving him behind. He is fully integrated with me, body and soul. What is this need of all those never experiencing this loss to be so hard on us??? Then again, what goes around comes around (karma?) and though I would not wish this level of misery on anyone, some day some of these folks will be in the same situation.
ReplyDeleteThe rolling eyes and impatience must stem from the not wanting to deal with it, care about it etc... I would rather spend my time in soltitude talking to him in my heart and head than put up with all the idiots lacking a drop of compassion. Who the hedoublel are they to dictate the terms?
He was my best friend, love of my life, person I was closer to than anyone ever. I have to move forward day to day, no choice in that, but I don't have to like that I don't want to travel without him, manage my home without him. and this weekend, get through flooding from Hurricane Irene without him. First time ever having to face that kind of nightmare on my own. So I am asking him to stay right here with me through it, and I know that if it is at all in his power, he will be with me as guardian angel. Love him endlessly and forever..
truly a widow-
ReplyDeletePerfectly said. Why can't they cut us a break?? Why all the hardness and impatience? Is it fear they could be next?
Would love to hear everyone's thoughts on this.
It's been two and a half years since my husband of 41 years passed away. I agree with so much of what everyone has said. The analogy to losing your right arm and having to learn to do everything with your left, is a good one. I have told others it is like having one half of you die and suddenly being forced to be both of you. One half a person doing the job of two.
ReplyDeleteI miss him every single day. I do not think it gets easier, just more familiar. I do not cry every day as I once did. I joined a local grief support group which has helped me very much. Other than other widows, I find no one else comprehends the loss. When people ask me how I am enjoying my retirement I want to respond with..."how can I possibly be enjoying retirement without my partner...without the one I was making plans to retire with??? People tell me I am now free to do 'whatever I want". But there is little I want to do alone.
Life moves us along even when we don't want it to. I have no family nearby....but each beautiful day I try to appreciate the fun other people are still having. I have felt no joy for over two years. I never thought this would happen to me as I have always been very independent and strong.....but I find that after a year of mourning my husband I have moved into mourning my own life...the life I thought I would have and will now never have.
I can understand the ancient cultures that threw the wife into the grave to be alongside her husband.
I recently met another woman who asked if I was a widow....I said "yes." She simply responded..."It stinks, doesnt' it." Then she said that after seven years she is just now finally getting comfortable with being alone. It was encouraging to hear that maybe after five more years I'll be ok with this.
I read so many comments of years spent with a husband. My marriage was nearing 18 years. I lost him 4 years ago, left with a son nearly 10, a 14 yr old daughter and a mom dying of cancer. Life stopped in its tracks....So much to deal with in such a short time. My mom held on for me, I think, for 3 more years. My father now has alzheimers and my children are 14 and 18. God is good and continues to give me strength needed to move forward. More than missing him, I wish he were here for my sweet children. They have needed him so.......
ReplyDeleteI think one of the dumbest things said to me was... After burying my husband, I went back to work. My boss says, "How are you doing?" I said, "ok." He said, if it was me, "I would just get fat and give up." The things that make me say... Hmmm... Have a good day new friends... Trish...
ReplyDeleteIs anyone in their seventies on this blog and living single? I am hopeful that I can get past the intense grief and anxiety I am experiencing. My ex husband died in December and I was just coming back up from a severe depression when it happened. We had lived apart for 2 and 1/2 years. We were married for 22 years.
ReplyDeleteI am 80 and have been a widow for four years Christmas day. The intense grief of having your husband go to bed and not wake up is unimaginable. I live alone and all my children are in the north. I have had a dog for 2 1/2 years, she was 6 months old when I rescued her and she has been a real life saver. The anxiety seems still to be with me as i go thru periods of weepiness to down right sobbing. My faith in God is also my life saver. Missing him greatly. Married for 55 years.
ReplyDeleteOlder widows (I'm 60)have their own challenges and perspectives on the widow experience, but I can't help but think how awful it must be to have young children to raise as a widow, wow.
ReplyDeleteEither way being a widow is a real life changer. I relate to those of you who identify your husband as having been your best friend. I know where you are coming from., My husband made me laugh all the time too, as one of you related. I talk to him out loud, commenting on some challenge like caulking the bathtub or getting quotes
for the gutter repairs I need before going through another winter and spring with ice covered porches and water in the basement. It took me a while to laugh and let his memory back in to the life I have now. I say things like 'boy what some people won't do to get out of work' He would appreciate the jest if he were here. It took me a long time to get to this calmer place but it still sucks being here without him. I went through the phase where I hated everyone who pretty much completely forgot about me, never called etc. what deep loneliness. You do get to the place where you "get it", you are alone and noone is going to love and understand you like he did so now it is up to you to take care of yourself. I am feeling stronger and more self-sufficient which is helping me to feel more normal, as if I am coming to terms with my new existence. We all have so much to share. Best to do it in bits and pieces. Thanks for the shoulders to cry on...Maureen
Maureen, we all need a shoulder sometimes whether we admit it or not. Thanks for sharing for I can relate to several things you experience. The key one is talking out loud to my husband. Early on, my daughters would gently say they were giving me six month to talk to their Dad. Well, threeyears later, I still do on occasions. I live alone and it gives me comfort when I accomplish some task he used to do. I then say something like 'I did it Jay'!
DeleteOr at other times, any little quirky remark we used to exchange. If that's living in the past, so be it. I use any resource to cope with this new way of life.
maureen - i feel the same right now as you, i am used to being a little lonely. no one understands, no one calls, everyone is so busy, i look at my hubbys pics and remember his funny sayings, he passed on fathers day, 6/17/12, one minute everything was fine, within 2 months he was gone, along with our life. we were only married 7 yrs. my best friend gone. cindy
DeleteWidowhood is like a wound that will not heal. And there are no wound care facilities for widow's broken hearts. Everyones' life goes on and they don't like to think about it happening to them and being around widows makes people uncomfortable and uneasy. I've always gone out of my way to be kind to people going through personal tragedies in their lives and don't feel that my friends have returned the kindness. I was the one they called when they wanted to be cheered up and now I have no one I can call to make me feel better. Yesterday was my husbands Birthday and only our 3 sons and my oldest, dearest friend remembered. It was just a normal day for everyone else but only the 2nd birthday since he passed away suddenly and unexpectedly 18 months a go and shattered our world. I'm just so disappointed in people's comments and the lack of empathy. It's disheartening and makes this experience much worse. My favorite time of the day is falling asleep and the worse time is waking up and realizing that this is really my life now. Thanks for listening. I'm sure things will be better soon.
ReplyDeleteIt will be one year this month since my husband died suddenly, unexpectedly from a heart arrhythmia. I never imagined my life without him. He was 56. This is something the we never allowed ourselves to think about at this age. I still feel very fragile! People say that I am strong. That is what they like to think! I am doing but I am broken. We were one. Half of me died when he died. Looking into his eyes was my home. He was so funny. I try to think of the funny things that he would say. My children are great but their hearts are broken as well. I realize that no one else calls because they don't know what to say. If I was going to tell someone what widowhood was like I would tell them to imagine that they and their spouse were going through the hardest time in their life (other then losing a child) now double it, then do it alone.
ReplyDeleteI try to do something that I enjoy every day. I like to walk the dogs. I like a good movie with popcorn. I have found a knitting group at the local coffee shop. Being at work is normal...a blessing. I have a lot of stress emotionally and financially so I try to remember to take good care of myself.
Nothing wrong with the past just some of us get tired of hearing it day after day. who wants to be around someone that does that. get a life the world isnt over
ReplyDeleteShame on you, Anonymous Feb 3, 2012 04:04 PM
ReplyDeleteHaven't you ever heard, if you can't say something nice, say NOTHING at all?!
Yeah, I read what Anonymous Feb 3, 2012 04:04 PM had to say... Sounds like a pretty selfish person... My response is, if you don't like what we have to say about our late husbands, don't come around, get going. People like you add to our stress levels, with negativity. Maybe you should "get a life" and find some compasion in your heart. No sympathy for people like you. Trish...
ReplyDeleteI just lost my husband on on Jan 11, 2012. He was my best friend. As I write this I cannot think of anything but the past. I cannot imagine ever having a day in the future when I will not think of him. His presence in my life was so significant. He saw me through a head on collision and two major operations. He saw me move from not being able to walk to where I can walk my dog today. He was fun to be with and made me laugh. We shared a love for the outdoors. Today (and yesterday and yesterday before that) I keep having short flashbacks of quips he had or memories of when we were in this place or that. I think this is normal. I believe that life will continue ... life always has. The rawness of the pain I feel now might even soften. But I do believe that I will think about him every day. I do not think that is living in the past, I think that is being grateful for having had a wonderful husband and friend. My sister stayed with me the week of the
ReplyDeletefuneral and she said "how do you get over someone you love? You don't.".
I think she is right.
I too lost my husband suddenly on January 21,2012. Everything was routine the day before and when I got up in the morning I found him dead. That image will probably haunt me the rest of my life. There was no time for good-byes or making amends for past actions or words. We knew we loved each other. We had 36 years of laughter, tears, adventure and just being comfortable with each other. This is so hard to go through alone!! It helps that others know what it feels like.
ReplyDeletei posted on another comment on this blog,that my husband gave me the confidience to go on. i didn't finish. i'm not sure if i can. the reason i say that here is because of the comment made, yes the world goes on, but ours has stopped. we would love to have a life, the one we had. not one of us ask for the road we our walking. i pray that person doesn't ever walk in our shoes. my heart aches for the young widows with children.how sad. i was married 47yrs.,i got married when i was 17. i am glad i did,not knowing i would lose him 65. i miss him and will always love him. he was the most remarkable man.
ReplyDelete