Saturday night I had dinner with an elderly friend whose husband died in January. Marie is struggling to decide if she should sell her home and move into a retirement community or stay where she is. Marie seemed very anxious to make this decision.
When she casually asked me for advice I said "What's the rush? Why do you have to decide right away?" My response surprised me because I am not a procrastinator by nature. I have always been quick to make a decision and then follow up with a course of action. Since Lane died I'm in no rush to make decisions that I feel are difficult or impact other people.
It's funny. If we knew that Lane was going to die so young we would have been in a rush to do a lot of things. Rent that villa for a summer in the south of France, save more money, take Fridays off, learn how to scuba dive, take a cooking class were all on our to do list. If I knew what was going to happen so suddenly I would have been in a rush to spend more time together relaxing rather than working. Now, I am in no rush to make changes or as a matter of fact do much of anything.
What are you in a rush to do? And, why?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I've been rushing around for the past 5 months, trying to get a handle on everything (bills, funeral, headstone, dogs, kids, house, boat, work and his death and etc)... I finally have alot of things under control and my confidence is way up. I see a future for me now. Yesterday, I made it a point for me to stay home and relax. It might be too soon , but I need some male companionship and I am wanting to date and have that kind of fun and laughter again in my life. I won't "rush" in to anything, but I'm looking forward to new adventures... Trish...
ReplyDeleteWhen I was first widowed, I did what experts said, "Don't make any major changes for at least a year", which I took to heart. It's now almost two years since I lost my husband (Aug. 11, 2009), and I have been trying to "move on". I bought a small house where my children live, it's 350 miles away from here. Moving has turned into a real nightmare, I have so much stuff to get rid of, and don't have the energy to accomplish it as soon as I'd like. I know I'll be happier once I'm back where my family is, but I'm still having problems with depression and now some health issues that aren't helping. I keep thinking that if my husband was still here this would all be a breeze, he had a way of taking control and "getting the job done", and done right....God how I miss him. Thank you Sue, it really helps me to touch base with you and other widows, wish all of us could meet, but this blog does help.
ReplyDeleteIt has been 21 mos. since my husband passed away. In March someone from my past, my first boyfriend, came back into my life. We re-connected immediately! I had closed myself off, thought I would never put my self through another possible "death of a husband", after burying 2, one who was the father of my two beautiful girls, when I was only thirty-two. My second husband passed away suddenly after 26 years of marriage. So, I thought I was done, no intention of burying another husband! But love came at an unexpected time and has made me feel alive again. At 62, I have a lot of love to give! Who knew? I felt numb and was just going through the motions of everday life ALONE.
ReplyDeleteThis life is so short and I have lived long enough and experienced so much pain and joy, that I have opened myself up to the prospect of sharing myself with another person that at one time knew me so well. We have so much in common and have enjoyed sharing our life stories and connecting on a level that I thought I would never experience again.
I am saying all that because I believe we widows all go into a protective mode, by saying that no can replace our husbands. That may be true, but don't shut your heart up and live with the ghost of what was and never will be again. LIFE IS SHORT! I think we all can understand that better than anyone else can, because of what we have experienced.
This a time for me to live again, laugh again and most of all love again!
@ Sue Larrison... I just want to say "thank you!" Your website has helped me a lot! :) I remember 5 months ago after I buried Kent (3 weeks later), I had to go pick up his belongings at his work (laptop, pictures, papers and etc...). I remember sitting in his desk chair and I started balling my eyes out. His boss came over and said, "Trisha, there are support groups out there". That's when I searched on line and found yours. Thank you soooooooo much! :) It's not easy being a widow, that is completely in "love" with her husband... But, I will go forward. It helps me to post whats on my mind. :) Trish...
ReplyDelete"Memories, beautiful, wonderful memories. They will remain, but the actual past cannot. To move on and begin a new volume in your life does not mean you have to forget the one you loved. Your spouse was a part of your life - just as your childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood were part of your life and now are part of your memories. But you haven't stayed there; you have moved along in your life. Your life with your spouse in the past helped define who and what you are, and those memories will not disappear or be erased. But those memories cannot help you live in the present. Do not let them overshadow the joys that can come right now. You can retain those parts of yourself that grew and developed with your deceased spouse, and now you can close that marriage volume of your life and begin another new and exciting volume." That is a quote from the book "Getting to the Other Side of Grief". It is a very helpful book and speaks to many of our concerns.
ReplyDeleteTo Anonymous who has reunited with an old boyfriend - good for you. I wish you much joy & happiness.
I think the most difficult thing is acceptance of the death of our husbands and that we will never have that relationship with them again. Matthew 22:30 says..."people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven." So to not let go of a relationship that will never be again is unaccepting of the reality of our husband's death. We are no longer married.
We all are beginning a new phase of our lives. We are strong. We can do this.
I have never posted a comment before but taken great strength from the postings of other widows, wow, who knew how tough this would be, we go thru our days after the initial 6 months with a smile on our face, a quick curt answer when they in passing say,"so how you been." They really don't want us to respond truthfully, they would never make eye contact with us again. I agree with the comments about time, it's been 24 months and 5 days, the first year i wore the ring, on the 12 month anniversary i took off the ring and cleaned the closet. I than took his favorite shirts and burned them, sat beside the fire and cried, I live in a very small town, I was not able to donate them and see someone else wear his shirts in church, as that's where they would have gone, I know that sounds mean but it's what I did. I am now thinking about a date, how different after 30 years, but I'm moving slow, cautiously, but I'm moving. I work with horses and when they are in a panic situation they either bolt and run or stand still and won't move, when they bolt or when they stand still, I pull them in a circle, always forward, always moving, circles will stop the bolting horse and start the stand still horse, so I'm kinda using that same technique. I think my husband would be proud of me,
ReplyDeleteI have definitely turned into quite the procrastinator over the past 3 months. From being semi-retired 'cuz I could be, to I will be teaching f/t as of next Monday for the next two years until I'm eligible for my widow retirement annuity benefits. As well as giving me a daily focus, it will give me the time frame to work within to make decisions as to what comes next. I agree w/anonymous #2 above - well said... I am a survivor. I am not a happy camper right now!!, but I do know I will get thru this. I'm not religious, but a comment on another widows board got me to look up the "no marriage in heaven" idea a couple weeks back & it pretty well sums up where I'm at anyway. "To not let go of a relationship that will never be again is unaccepting of the reality of our husband's death".
ReplyDeleteWe were moving right along in our whole scheme of things as it were, not in a rush, just in the midst of making our plans come to fruition within the two year time frame when I'd be eligible for full retirement (he was eligible 5 wks before he died!). We made time to spend together & were truly enjoying our time now that the last of the kids are pretty much on their own & we were free to be on our own after having accomplished what we set out to do when we married - we both established our family as our priority.
Right now I'm spinning my wheels in slow motion just trying to allow myself the space to process the upheaval to the rest of my life as it comes. I took my wedding ring to be resized yesterday for my right hand & ordered a widow's ring to take it's place for now. Small steps, but just keep putting one foot in front of the other. We weren't rushing, but excitedly moving toward the next stage of our life; now I'm in no rush to do much of anything, especially since I don't have a clue what the next stage of my life will entail. I will go forward & am hopeful for good things in the next 10, 20, 30 or more years to come
I was talking to my friend yesterday (her husband died a couple of years ago) and I said to her, "I look at all these married couples now and one day, they will be walking in our shoes." Untill death do us part... I understand now... Trish...
ReplyDeleteI am in a rush to find the point. Since my husband Geoff died 20 months ago, I have been filling time and space trying to figure out what it the point of life without him, my point. Before he died we had a plan; get the kids through school, retire - slow down (we both have crazy jobs) and enjoy each other. Now ..... I spend all my time keeping so busy so I don't realize that I am aimless. I am only 53 - don't want to retire as it will just emphasis the fact that I am alone that 3rd wheel. I rushed to sell the huge family house, and get every thing "settled" now I am suck and sliding backwards. U love this site only place I feel safe and understood
ReplyDeleteI was in a rush to find a job. Recently widowed in February, I have been in a fog for several months. Now I have a part time job and am in no rush.
ReplyDeleteI take small steps and breathe.
Someone told me that the widow has a job for the first year ~ to stay alive.
I am staying alive.
My husband passed away almost 14 months ago. I feel so much of what you are all feeling. I feel so alone, like a 5th. wheel even around my children, who are all married. I still wear my wedding rings. I feel if I take them off, that I will be cheating on Kenny so I won't or can't take them off. I hate it when people ask " How are you doing". I try to smile and say better, when I really feel horrible. We were married for 27 years and I am in my 70's. I don't feel I ever want another man in my life, as Kenny was my life.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been in a rush about anything for 10 months. A year ago we knew John only had weeks left, maybe days. We rushed like mad getting his retirement papers filed so I would have his pension. We rushed to the hospital for emergency care, to the pharmacy for his meds, to the store for anything that might make him even a little more comfortable.
ReplyDeleteThen he was gone, and I had to rush around making final arrangements, filing papers, notifying people, and on and on. I was numb, and it was over, and I pushed through whatever needed to be done.
Three weeks after he died, everything came to a stop. All the decisions and chores that had to be handled that minute or sooner were done. All the other mourners had returned to their homes and jobs and kids and lives. I was exhausted in every possible way. I became a hermit, wandering around an empty house, forgetting to eat, sometimes not bothering to shower or dress for days on end. There was no longer any need to rush for anything. Well, maybe a run to the store when I ran out of cat food, but that was all. I let bills slide, housekeeping, laundry, yard care. Nothing really needed to be done that minute, that day, that week.
Just lately, the past couple of weeks, I've started taking an interest in getting a few things done. We had a busy Sunday when my son and his wife and a friend came to help work on the yard. I started cleaning out John's dresser. I found a place to donate some of his clothes. I did some research for a book my best friend wants me to write with her. Small steps, but I'm taking them. I've started making plans for Christmas, looking ahead. I feel my life is restarting, and the time will come again when I bustle and hurry and cram every minute full. But I'm in no rush to get there.
My husband passed Father's day this year from a heart attack. He was only 45 and it was 2 days before our 14th anniversary. It has been so difficult. I have been reading A LOT- ok... maybe some may call it obsessively and I keep asking myself- "which stage of my grief am I in?" Sometimes I feel so dead inside I feel like I don't even have an ounce of love in me and I feel like I have forgotten my husband already- I can't cry or drum up one single feeling. Then later I hurt so badly, I feel like someone beat me up, tore my heart out of my chest, and left me to die. Many times I feel so upset I feel like throwing up. These past few days for the first time I feel giddy like I am walking around in some kind of surrealness, this seems too much like a horrible movie not my very own life and my body doesn't even feel like my own and I keep wondering if I have completely lost my mind. Yet even other moments I think to myself maybe I am done grieving because I am doing so well with it all (?) Rereading this I cannot see how I can actually think I am all better but sometimes I swear that I do. I guess maybe I have lost all touch with reality. Yesterday I was genuinely happy with myself and gave myself a mental pat on the back for completing 5 thank you cards, a load of dishes, and a load of laundry. Then later, I realized it could be seen another way- I'm actually patting myself for doing dishes after 3 days of letting them pile up and eating take out because we had no clean dishes anymore?? Washing laundry because I realized I had nothing to wear anymore and was afraid someone might come by and find out?
ReplyDeleteBut I did realize that I am in a rush to change something- I want to know my future me. How does it all end up? Where am I 5 years from now? 10 years? Am I really going to feel like this for 3 years like all these books keep telling me? Really? Because I cannot imagine it. I am having a hard enough time getting up each day, being a single mom now, and keeping everything the same and sane for my kids sake. Yet inside I am falling apart and I wish I could lay in bed and pull the covers over my head until this is not my reality. Isn't there some kind of fast track to the "new me?" Isn't there a book for that so I can rush out and be her instead of me?
I keep rushing around searching everywhere for the neat tidy little answer to all this. The one where it says tomorrow it will all be over, and while I am indulging in my make believe world, maybe I can pretend for a little while longer that my husband is coming home. I can let go of dreading his birthday and Christmas which is still 5 months away. My husband always knew I could never wait for my presents because it makes me anxious to not know- to wait things out...and right now to not know who I am anymore or where I am going or where I am going to be later is too much to bear.
Thank you so much for this site, for being here at 2 a.m. when my mind won't stop and I can't sleep, and sharing your stories with me- a complete stranger. I am grateful for you listening to my pathetic ranting and for helping me- because you are when you share your heartache, triumphs, challenges, and thoughts.
. I won't need to know who I am now that I am not his wife or what is going to become of me because I am genuinely lost and scared out of my wits. I wish I could run to the future me and and know she is o.k. and that I am not afraid to set eyes upon her. I feel like crud. It seems like he died just yesterday but it feels like years since I have seen him, held him, talked to him.
My husband of 41 years died in May. I have been grieving since diagnosis in 2009 October I think. I seem to be in a rush to lose the pain and get through everything. I just took off my rings Friday. At his grave site I came to grips with the fact that he is not coming back in this life and I have to live the rest of mine. I have gone through some stuff, thew some away and gave some away. But I still haven't been able to go through most of it. I am in a rush to figure out what I am going to do with myself. I thought I would maybe volunteer, but since he died I find myself not caring so much about others.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to thank you for this blog. And thank you to all the women posting. It really helps to see that I am not alone, no matter how much it feels that way.
ReplyDeleteMy husband Terry died 4 years ago when our daughter was 8 months old. There was an extreme amount of rushing for the first two years: going back to work, moving, dealing with other family emergencies...on and on it went. The economic downturn made every decision seem wrong, no matter what it was.
Now, I am sick and tired of rushing. Maybe some of it helped keep me alive for a while. But recently I have to admit that I'm tired. Tired of being in rescue mode, tired of self doubt, and tired of feeling like my life was taken from me. So, I'm allowing myself some breathing room. No more self-improvement for a while. I never really understood what it meant to love one's self, but am just starting to see what that means. To love myself, in the way a lover might, to actually care deeply about myself, and not just try to minimally or provisionally "accept" myself, as I did in the past.
Sending each of you an e-hug and wishing you well.
Melle
I think the only thing I would like to rush is to get well. I have Lupus and the stress of this loss is taking it's toll on my health. I have not only lost the love of my life but my caregiver as well. So, my health is holding me back from getting many of the things I need to do, done. Seems like I'm in a catch 22 for now but I am getting to know myself better and learning how to be more honest with family and friends about my illness. They never realized half of what I go through because I had my man to see me through the rough times till I go into remission again. I have also realized I am not as strong as I thought I was but in a good sense, because it has allowed me the time to really grieve instead of pretending that all is OK. I guess in reality I am very fortunate to have lived 59 years before ever really experiencing vulnerability or feeling out of control. This is a very humbling time, and perhaps these are some of the lessons I needed to learn to prepare me to deal with a new me that is still growing. To all of us going through this strange journey I send good wishes, health and hugs.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband 9 months ago and was prepared to live my life alone. My High school classmates have a monthly get together and I reconnected with a friend who lost his wife a year and a half ago. He wants us to get to know each other better and see where it may lead to. We constantly talk about our spouses and try to console each other. He is very understanding and has agreed to be patient with me for however long it takes me to be ready to commit myself. Is it normal for me to feel guilty for even just spending time with someone , will others think it is too soon, what would my husband think? I am 64 and so confused about all this.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous -- (who lost your husband 9 months ago) -- I'm no pro at this, but wanted to share a couple of thoughts that I hope will be helpful. First of all, this is your decision, and yours alone. It is your life and regardless of the decision you make, you will be the one to enjoy the blessings and happiness or the consequences should it turn out to not be the best choice. When "they" recommend that widows don't make any big decisions in the first 12 months -- "they" would probably include this one. You owe it to yourself to make a wise decision -- this is a huge deal -- so take the time you need. Don't let someone push you into making a commitment you are not ready to make. If and when it is right and you are ready, you will know it without any question -- and it will feel right for weeks -- not minutes. I typically err on the side of caution because that policy has served me well in my 64 years. I have found the grieving process to be difficult at best and I have realized that I often get busy with things that serve as a distraction -- makes it easier. But I realize I still have to go through this, and distractions are probably only postponing the emotional work I need to do for healing. Is it possible that he is a distraction for you? I've read that men re-marry more quickly then women -- why is that? I think women are more well suited to independent living then men. Be confident and listen to your own heart and mind. If you are questioning it yourself, then you might want to fully explore what that's all about. Doing that will help you make the best decision for yourself and your future. A therapist told me once that guilt is a choice. So think about why you are choosing to feel guilty. I am also wondering why anyone would make a big decision like this one based upon what others think? Who cares? It's your life, not theirs. Do you feel the need to justify your actions to others? What is important is what you think -- if YOU think it is too soon or not. Again, you will be the one to live with the choices you make -- not someone else. Be confident, whichever way you go. If you are "confused about all this", then you may not be ready to make a decision. Take all the time you need and good luck. And, hey! If you are back on the market, maybe you want to date other guys too and learn about all of your options! I'll bet you have a lot to offer to any friend, companion or potential husband. Be kind to yourself and make the decision that is best for you. :) Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThis concerns the previous post about reconnecting with high school friend. He has been alone a lot longer than you have, 9 months isn't very long after losing your spouse. I hope you don't let this fellow rush you into something before you're really ready, and it sounds like he is trying to do just that. He's already asking for a commitment from you? I don't think you should worry about what "others" think, it's what you think that's important. I'm sure your husband would want you to be happy, but I do think it's too soon to commit yourself to anything. Take your time, what's the rush???
ReplyDeleteMy husband died in his chair at work 4 months ago.What a shock. I have been reading the other postings and cant believe how much they match the way I feel. Sometimes hysterical and sometimes functioning. I get so angry so quickly esp with family. No-one seems to want to talk about him and they seem to expect me to be over-it. My husband was very dynamic and the leader of the "Brady Bunch" combined family that we had. Our grandkids are suffering so badly, that some are getting help. These are 4-7 yr olds and it is so difficult to watch and not be able to help, since I am dealing with my own feelings. It is funny how lonely you are, but yet cant stand being around people. People have good intentions, but what can you do? I believe it is a process that you have to go through, but it is the most difficult pain and suffering and like others have said, really unexplainable. I am angry, sad, lonely, irrationable but getting up each day, showering, going to work, eating and acting ok. Maybe one day, I will actually be ok....Thanks for listening Pam
ReplyDeleteGwendolyn-
ReplyDeleteAll you are feeling right now is normal in grieving. You are not "crazy". Everyone's posts here bear that out. The gamut of emotions we move through when we lose our spouse are endless, and as counselors will point out, this is not a "linear" experience wherein each day gets better, we grow stronger etc. Oh no, nothing like that. It is a PROCESS where we move in and out of all the "stages of grief" sometimes all of them in any given day. It is not a "5 stages of grief" program" where you deal with part one then move on down the line in sequence.
I can be sobbing then four hours later I am so angry I could burst. Then next day I have sense of strength to accomplish some things, then a day later I can't get out of bed. Upset with lonliness but don't get comfort from others etc. I have felt it all.
Sometimes I sleep the night with one wakeup and fall back asleep. Sometimes I wake and remember it is not a dream and cry my eyes out till exhausted. It is a roller coaster, and most people don't understand it cause they have not been through this kind of loss.
I think part of what makes us "rush" is other people's expectations of where we should be in the process at any given time. Seems to me too many folks just want us to "move on" and get it together in a totally unrealistic time frame. Even some so called "therapists" are guilty of that.
Your time line is your time line and it takes whatever and however long it takes for each of us.
And none of us should be pressured to move on, make big changes etc. I am just 6 months out, I love my husband deeply and want only support and friendship and understanding. It is way too early for big changes. I hear people out but give them honest feedback and if they do not "get it" where I am in the process that is about them, not me. And yes, that is frustrating and hurts too.
Another good point made in above posts I agree with: other couples feel more threatened that this could happen to them, rather than you might steal their partner. Death and loss is big time scary and people don't deal well with it in our culture.
Bottom line, there are no shortcuts so no way to rush any of it, even though any of us would give anything to have this level of despair and pain over with ASAP.
I don't think trying to have a vision of where one will be at any given point in the future is possible for quite some time. I think getting through each day is a victory in itself. This thing forces one to "stay in the moment" or be overwhelmed, crushed, defeated.
It is a challenge to slow down after the pace that had to be kept through the illness and aftermath. And it is true that a widow's job is to survive the first year and in truth probably a longer time line than that.
Scared, lost, ranting, confused unreal describes it all, so we are all "normal" in this road trip from hell.
Thank you Sue for this sight and to everyone sharing here.
July 25th would have been our 41st wedding anniversary. During that first year of losing him (Aug.23, 2008) I was in NO RUSH to remove my wedding rings. I still feel 'naked' without them even though I replaced them with another ring. I still have a problem with "Ms" instead of "Mrs" in front of my name. So sensitive to reminders of having to go on without him. We were a couple who did almost everything together!
ReplyDeleteWish I could talk to someone one on one or write to someone one on one. You can write here but i never seem to get any answers
ReplyDeleteIts been over a year and I still don't feel much better. If I just got that last chance to tell him how I feel or to talk to him. Life was so hard and he was so moody (Bi-polar). With him being hurt and the medicine - I felt like I was doing it all. Things still keep falling apart. I still feel alone raising kids, fixing a house that really needs to be fixed - which is another area I am lacking at. I always thought he would be there though.
ReplyDeleteIs it normal that my husband passed away 3 yrs ago and I still don't wanna face reality that he's gone like I feel he's somewhere out there and I have only been to his cementary twice but my sons have been there with their gma..at the time I was 22 now I'm 25 also I was the one to find him dead.
ReplyDelete