Every generation has its own language. Expressions that everyone says. "Far out" worked so well in the 60's. "Narly and rad" belonged to my teens in the '80's. And "awesome" is my grandsons way of saying the same thing -- cool.
Widowhood is subjected to a language of its own as well.
"She lost her husband." A common description of a widow. Well, he's not a missing sock that will eventually show up. He isn't lost. He's dead.
"At least he didn't suffer." While I am happy Lane wasn't sick or in pain before he died, when people say this to me I get really ticked off. It sounds like an excuse for dying before your time. At least if he were sick and in pain his death might have made some cosmic sense to me.
"Life is for the living" although truthful not always doable. Because your life changes so radically when your husband dies it is extremely difficult to commit to living a fulfilling life again. Most of us want to. We just don't know how.
"Til death do us part." I never really thought about this phrase until Lane died. Parting is not as easy as these words imply. Even though our husbands are physically gone the emotional connection doesn't "part" that simply.
OMG. From your widow's point of view, any words or phrases you find annoying? LOL.
Sue
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Hi sue-
ReplyDeleteYeah, so many phrases that do not even begin to cover what this pain is about.
For me, "till death us do part" (I believe that is the actual phrase-do and us get reversed all the time) was the real catch all. Guess I must have interpreted that as for all time when we married, because I have no desire to have any other life than the one I had with my husband. I don't think anyone thinks about those during the joy of marriage and years together. Death is way, way off in a future where you are both very old and doddering and ready to go, hopefully close together.
Another one is a different slant on "at least he didn't suffer". My husband most certainly did-he had a bad and fast illness from a rare form of small bowel cancer and very little time from diagnosis as the symptoms did not present till it was all too late for him. What I heard from "friends" was "this is for the better". The better of what????? He wanted to live, even if it meant only one more year and enduring chemo etc. I desperately wanted him to live, my life is now dismal without him, he was everything to me. Married 26 years, he still active and full of life at 64, I'm just 54 and reeling from the disbelief and pain of all this.
Can't see a future and not feeling any joy as far as "life is for the living". It IS when you have love and meaning in your world, not so much so when that is all ripped away.
I lost my fiance a little over one year ago in a plane crash. I was only 28 at the time. Many of my family members had (and still have) no idea of how to handle my loss because I am the first woman in my family to go through it. As they were trying to somehow make sense of it all and comfort me I heard the phrase "At least you are young, you will find love again." While I it is possible that I might find love again, it was (and still is) the last thing I want to hear. I don't even want to think about finding love again regardless of my age.
ReplyDeleteOf course now that I am past the 12 month mark I get to hear all about needing to "Get back out there" I'm not sure why people seem to think the 12 month mark is some magic number that suddenly makes it stop hurting. I suppose all of the annoying phrases are said with good intent.
I have to say thank you to and all the people who leave comments here. It helps me to feel like I'm not alone.
Are you aware of new free online resource site for widows,widowers, and their loved ones? Please visit http://widowed.ca
ReplyDeleteI find that it's not so much the things that are said to me, it's the unsaid. My family, other than my mother, sister and two daughters, have mostly ignored the death of my husband. He died 21 months ago. I have not had one phone call from any of my extended family, who are "close". So at least when someone makes a comment to us, know they are trying to say the right thing, just don't know how.
ReplyDeleteI am healing with the help of the Lord. I have forgiven family for not being there. Moving forward is a must do! I refuse to live in the past. I am a young 62 year old and have a life to live! I want to make my husband proud of who I am, a strong, capable person,trying to build a life without my biggest fan and supporter, my husband.
My husband has been gone over seven years and we had been married for forty years. By the grace of God and my family, I have survived, even though it has not been easy. My life is still so empty and I miss him as much if not more than I did the day I lost him unexpectedly. I find that the journey of widowhood is rather lonely and depressing, especially when you have been happily married for so long and both had just retired. Blessings to all!
ReplyDeleteMy husband died almost 5 months ago. At first I thought I would be able to adjust. But it seems the longer it is the harder it is for me to cope. I guess I just thought he was on an extended trip. My brain knows he will not be back but my heart is still waiting for him to come home.
ReplyDeleteSome family and friends act as though he never existed. When I talk about him they don't respond and or just change the subject. He was part of my life and theirs for over 30 years. I can understand they don't know what to say; but to not acknowledge that he ever existed.. I don't get it
Some days I feel so alone. Evenings and supper time are hard.
My husband died in March I feel stuck and afraid and in a state of panic all at the same time. We were together all the time. We had mostly couple friends. I haven't seen them since March. I think they feel like I am contagious. If they have dinner with me, one of them might be next. I cry every day. I dont even know where to start. How do I build a whole new life? I feel so alone.
ReplyDeleteIt does get easier... One day at a time... I have had people tell me, "you may not know the "reason" today, tomorrow or the next day." But, there is a reason... It's been 5 months and I still haven't figured out the "reason." I may never know why my world was ripped apart. But as soon as I figure it out, I will be sure to tell you. Keep smiling and putting on foot in front of the other. :) Trish...
ReplyDelete"my brain knows he will not be back but heart is still waiting for him to come home".
ReplyDeleteWow that statement really hits the nail on the head! Thank you for putting a feeling into words that I could not seem to label. I do realize that my husband is gone.......yet I feel like I am frozen in time and if I am just patient everything will be ok. However I need to define a new ok because it will not be like it was before, no matter how long my heart waits. Sue
My husband suffered from leukemia for a year and died from complication from his very last chemo before going to transplant. Letting him go was the hardest decision I ever had to make but I promised I would not let him be a vegatable and I kept that promise. We were getting ready to move to our retirement dream home near the beach when he was diagnosed just 2 weeks before selling our home. He died this Mother's day. We would have celebrated our 40th anniversary this Sunday.
ReplyDeleteI love the people who tilt their head sideways and in a sympathetic baby-talk voice say "How are youuuuu?" I say 'fine'...what I really want to say is "Is your hair heavier on that side?" as I tilt my head in that same direction. My friends are great but they treat me differently now...like I'm going to break. What they don't realize is that I need to be treated the same way they treated me before my husband died. One thing I have learned through all this is to say one simple thing "sorry for your loss" and not another word. It hasn't even been 3 months and I have had someone tell me that I will find someone. I DON'T WANT SOMEONE! It has been suggested that I move my wedding band to my right hand. What is wrong with people?
I too feel like my husband is just away and will be returning but in reality I know he is gone.
Oh! the phrase I get a lot is "It will get better." Really, I am still waiting. Nothing will ever be better without my husband. There is also "Now you can do as you please." There were so many things we were going to do when he retired. We were going to take those walks we never seemed to be able to do and our bike rides that we looked forward to. Also the day trips we so enjoyed and wanted to continue. So many things that have been taken away from us both. I miss him so much and I don't think I will ever be able to do these things without him. People just don't seem to understand that they are still a couple and I am alone. Alone is not what it is cracked up to be. A lot of people want to be alone. Just wait until you are and you will find out it isn't that fun. I never wanted to be alone and now I find myself just that. I love you Bob and I always will.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure why it feels like people just don't get what it means to loose the love of your life? I have several friends & family who I think believe I am just wallowing in a pity party. Perhaps I am just a reminder of death and I guess that is a "no-no." I never knew what this would really be like (until now) but I & my husband have helped several friends before who lost their loved ones and it seemed to me all they really wanted and needed was a friend to listen, remember their loved one, and just be there for them. I am amazed that most of my friends and family just feel I should be engaged in life as if this is just some other chapter to get over? It has been 5 months and for myself all I can say is it is getting harder not easier. I know in my heart somewhere out in the future there will be a turning point when more days will be better than they are now, but until then I will grieve as I need to and if they can't understand that 40 years of being together with someone you truely loved, doesn't just become ok overnight then that is their loss. I am so glad to have had such a love and it takes a lot of work to move forward from this sad event and I just need more of family and friends to realize this, big hugs to all of us on this strange journey.
ReplyDeleteI have had to forgive people for their remarks concerning the passing of my "forever" love. I really never realized the hurt, grief, loneliness,and overwhelming sadness that takes over a life after the passing of a spouse. People are only trying to be helpful and not hurtful and say things I don't think they think through. I have been subjected to them all and I am finally realizing that I have to let those go.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband of 47 1/2 years on October 5, 2010 and I am making some progress in this horrible journey. I miss him everyday and don't enjoy the reality that he is not going to be with me in this sunset of my life. We did have some plans that will never be fulfilled......Oh, how I wish! I always said we grew up together meeting and marrying at 18 and 21. We raised three children, which we were so proud of and he did get to enjoy his grandchildren. I am thankful for that, but wish the little ones could have had him here a little longer so they would not forget as time passes.
We are all in this everlasting sad journey and I see not much relief at this time in my life, but hope that I will appreciate the sunrise on down the road. God Bless us all.
My grandbaby was born today. Tears of happiness! Trish... :)
ReplyDeleteMy husband died a day after his 54th birthday. He had a chronic lung disease, never smoked in his life. We were madly in love and had just celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary. The night I found him in bed, gone forever was the most devastating loss I've ever experienced. We never were able to have children, so we were dedicated to our life together. We thought we would retire by the Pacific and live long into old age. At 53 I was not prepared to be a widow. It's eleven years this month since he died, and I still talk to him and think about him everyday and always will. I know what you mean when you talk about the "one year lie" that once you get through that you'll be fine. After pushing myself through the first year alone, I hit the wall at 18 months. People who tell us to "move on" don't get it. I had a friend (now a former friend) who when I told her I just couldn't face getting rid of my husband's belongings said, "Oh if my husband died, I'd clean out his closet right away, more room for MY clothes." :( I filled notebooks with my "wallowing feelings." After seven years of writing, I am in the final stages of publishing a book about my journey. I hope my book, Twenty-Eight Snow Angels: A Widow's Story of Love, Loss and Renewal, will bring comfort and hope to other widows. I'll carry the memories of my husband and best friend with me-always. Sending thoughts of hope your way.
ReplyDeleteIt's not very generous of me, but I'm sick and tired of people who say, "We worry about you" or "We think of you." Yeah? I think. So what? Am I supposed to give you a medal? Do you get a friendship button?
ReplyDeleteMy real friends, when they think of me or are worried, send me a funny email or card, take me out to dinner, help clean up the jungle that's taking over my back yard.
My friend Pat never says she's thinking about me or is worried about me. But she sends me jokes 2 or 3 times a week. Last Friday night she came over and spent the night. On Saturday she drove me into the city for a meeting I would have had trouble getting to by myself. She stayed over again Sat. night, and we sat up half the night brainstorming ideas for a book she's convinced me we need to write together. On Sun. morning she was up bright and early when my kids arrived and jumped right in to help prune vines, tug weeds, and trim bushes. This, even though she has the care and maintenance of her father's house and a run-down property she recently inherited, and suffers from gout, arthritis, and a bad back.
Not all my friends are as devoted as Pat, and I wouldn't expect it. I'm flabbergasted at the way she helps me. But every one of them, the inner circle, gives me at least a little bit of their time and help, without asking or expecting anything.
These are the ones I treasure. These are the ones who will get anything I have to give back, when I'm functioning more like myself. When I'm up to baking, it's cookies for the neighbor who has been mowing my front lawn for the last year, and banana bread for the friend who helped make sense of the paperwork that piled up after John died. I'll drive 90 miles to make a day out for the housebound friend who sends me a constant stream of jokes and handwritten personal cards. I buy lunch on her day off for the neighbor who brought me home-cooked meals during those first awful months. There were whole weeks when only her quiche stood between me and starvation.
There are others, and none of them ever fixes me with that sorrowful stare, and yes, the head does tend to tilt as they say, "We think of your so often. We worry about you. Call if you need anything."
"Why, thank you," I say. "You're so kind. You mustn't worry. I'm doing fine." Because my parents brought me up to be polite. But we know what I'm really thinking, don't we.
Trish! Congratulations on the new grandbaby! What joy this brings to you.
ReplyDeleteMy husband of 26 years died two weeks after his son died in a freak accident. My husband had a kidney transplant and due to immuno-suppressant meds he contracted large B cell lymphoma. We spent five years struggling, medical appointments, dialysis, no quality of life until the transplant gave him 2 years of semi freedom. I am left to "hold down the farm" and continue my work in social services. I am healing from the demands of his medical needs. This means anything from late-night insulin crashes to amputations and rehab. I'm 56 and this Oct. will be two years since he died. I'm still trying to catch my breath but am afraid I will remain isolated. I want to join the world but I don't know how.I find comfort in resting and reconciliation, but I also need comfort and encouragement,don't we all!! Good luck to all, and don't "settle".
ReplyDeleteI am new here and new to widowhood. It has been 1 month and I have missed church 2 Sunday's in a row now. I just cannot bring myself to go there and have another person ask me "How are you doing?" I know they mean well but do they want the perfunctory I'm doing ok or me to break down and cry and really tell them how it is. How heartbroken I am- so much so that I wish I didn't even have to get up in the mornings and face another day without my husband, my best friend in the whole world, my soulmate:(
ReplyDeleteI am 6 months out on Aug. 1 and I too don't get many places. Find I am having struggles with groups of people and only want those around me who really care which is rather limited right now.
ReplyDeleteI dread the commonly used "how are you doing?" which people do with habitual and irratating frequency. THINK for God's sake, before you open your mouth with the most inane thing you could ask under the circumstances. I too was always a polite person but find myself now getting snapish/churlish when someone asks that question. How would you think I am doing given the tragedy of losing both my mom and husband just five weeks apart and the trauma of witnessing their declines and deaths? My husband after a shocking discovery of a rare cancer after no symptoms and just shy of 4 months when I lost him, and he and my mom going into hospital just 2 days apart. Hell began. Still think maybe I am in hell and just don't know that it is ME who died.
A better thing to say would be "know how devastated you must be and know that I/we care". Because otherwise it becomes borderline sadistic to keep cheerfully saying "how are you doing?"
And yes, it is unbearable to have to get up each day heartbroken and back in the reality of what has occured and face the world. My husband of almost 3 decades was my best friend, soulmate the works, as well. In prime of life-64 and me 54. It is not even conveyable to try to express this depth of loss. Only the truly sensitive, smart, compassionate get it.
Maybe the best response would be just to stare very cooly and state the evident: not well after losing the love of my life and I would appreciate your understanding how difficult this all is".
Keeping you in thought, you are not alone in this. We are now living in a very different reality than the those around us unless they have "been here".
I read everyone's comments and I say yes that is how I feel. People always ask me how are you doing or how are you and I want to scream at them how do you think I am doing. I have lost my husband, my life partner, I am trying to figure out how to keep going how not to lose my mind, but as everyone I too try to be polite and say 'fine'. I also hate would someone says hey you are getting up in the morning and that is something. I finally told them so what. It has been a year on July 12th, from everything going great to one day his leg swelling and then the next day we were suppose to go in for a MRI to finding him on the floor and nothing I could do, just 6 hours from going to the DR. I think like many of you I somehow keep thinking he was coming back but when the year anniversary came I feel like I am starting all over again. I was 54 and he was 64 we were just starting to step back and relax from work and family. I don't know how to start living as everyone thinks I am suppose to. The most I can do is go to work and come home and once in awhile try to get out and do something but to only continue to cry. The only thing I have gotten better at is to hide the tears from everyone but the pain, sadness and tears are still as strong as the first day.
ReplyDeleteHello Everyone,
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband 2 years ago July 20th.,After being together 23 years, my best friend is gone. I can relate to the well meaning phone calls, etc. that say we are thinking about you and we are worried about you. I can't stand it either. Its our 16 year old son and his high school friends that help me with the lawn and home improvements, nobody else..even people from church don't bother. That 5th wheel on the wagon feeling is still present everywhere I go.
I'm 54 and I was almost 30 when I got married. I waited a long time to find my Mr. Wright and now he is gone. I can tell ya too that there are slim pickin's out there. I have avoided social situations or make quick exits when I'm forced to go places with work firends, etc.
I'm at a loss socially and hang out with my teenagers, but in another year, they won't want me around. This is ok and as it should be. I have 1 true friend from work and church and we go to dinner. Another close friend is happily married and they are great folks. She calls me at least once a week.
I was supposed to go hear a co-worker sing in band at some bar on the beach. Did not go, do not feel comfortable with this yet.
Part of me wants to be more socaial and part of me doesn't. I don't think I'm reading. The prospect of dating again is terrifying as well.
I'm at a loss.
Hello Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about the loss of your husband. At one month, you are new to widowhood.
After my husband died, church was the hardest place for me to go. I always sat alone at the back on the end of a pew so when the tears started to pour, I could make a quick exit. During the first month, I spent many mornings in bed, if I got up to empty the dishwasher I felt I had a successful day. Stay connected with this group. My heart goes out to you. My husband has been gone for 11 years, I still miss him. Take care, be kind to yourself and let the memories of your loving husband carry you forward.
I hear you Florida Girl, dating after 50 is a a scary thought! I was 53 when my husband died. We were hooked at the hip. Unable to have children, we did everything together. Just the thought of dating anyone else threw me into a tailspin. It took me living alone for five years and rediscovering my independence before I even considered dating. I totally understand the social life dilemma. I can definitely identify with your 5th wheel feeling. Go with your gut and don't feel obligated or guilty. You'll know when you're ready. Sending understanding your way.
ReplyDeleteThanks Diane, needed some reassurance.
ReplyDeletePart of me likes being single and part of me hates more it than anything.
Its when I have to socialize that is gets to me.
I don't want to stay isolated, but all my friends are married. Only one friend is divorced and her children are grown and gone. She is busy most of the time with church activities and helping people in her community.
Once my son leaves home, I will do some volunteering as well. This may be just what the Dr. ordered.
Thanks for the encouragement all.
FloridaGirl
It's happend a couple of times, but I have been introduced to people with them saying... "This is Kent's widow." I find this very strange behavior and I see the look on peoples faces when this has happens. Very awkward and they look sad. We have names and why turn a good situation into a bad one. The things that make me say, Hmmm... Trish...
ReplyDelete@Jordan, thank you! My grandbaby has filled my heart up with love. :)
I watched my beautiful husband die 5 months ago... 3 days ago, I watched and helped with the birth of my grandson... I'm a widow and a grandmother all in 5 months. It amazes me how life is... Trish...
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome Floridagirl. Figuring out where and how I fit into social situations with friends after my husband died presented many challenges. Good friends of my husband's invited me to join them for dinner at a restaurant. When I got there all I could focus on were them sitting in couples and the empty chair next to me. I attended a wedding weeks after the funeral and fell apart halfway through the ceremony, sniffling and trying to smear the tears away without anyone noticing. I wanted to dart out of the church and go home. Unfortunately, we were seated in a pew in the front of the church. Plus, I rode with my friends, so I didn't have my car. After that experience, I always drove myself and had a back up plan for leaving early.
ReplyDeleteTrish, I was shocked by the "widow introduction." Yike, I can't imagine how you felt. Enjoy the blessing of that grandson, what a wonderful gift of life. Diane
To the woman who posted that 3 years later she is having a "relapse," can barely get out of bed to go to work, house a mess: I am exactly the same. And it has been 3 years for me, too. I have spent weekends in my pj's, only out of bed to scrounge something to eat. Lots of guilt involved. Or maybe shame.
ReplyDeleteAfter my husband died in 2000, 18 months later, I hit the wall. Up until then I struggled to get out of bed and pushed myself many mornings to go to work. Thinking after a year the pain would go away, I kept pushing until I crashed and ended up in the hospital. I felt the shame and guilt too. As bad as it was, the good news is landing in the hospital was the turning point for me. My memoir, Twenty-Eight Snow Angels, tells my story of how deep grief took me and how I climbed back into life. The book, after seven years, is in the final stages of publication and should be available in mid August. I pray my story will give others hope. My heart goes out to ALL the widows on "Widow's Speak Up!". You're on a tough journey, take those little steps and keep climbing. The sunrises will be brighter when you reach the top.
ReplyDeleteMy husband of 38 years died November 2010 -- 8 months now. If there is one thing I have learned, it's that no one has any clue what it is like to lose your spouse until you go through it. I was certainly clueless before it happened to me. I realize people are well intentioned -- like my friend at church who asked me one Sunday, "Are you alone today?" Duh! She asked me if I wanted to sit with her and Alex and all I could do was say I'm sorry, no. I'm sorry, grab my things, head for the car, drive to Wendy's for a giant Coke and then on to the cemetery where I spent two hours parked right near Alan's grave, reading a book, praying, crying, talking to Alan, dozing off for 5 minutes here and there. -------- But usually, I handle the inquiries of others much better. I realize that it is impossible for them to relate to me and so if they ask how I'm doing -- I tell them. Sometimes I say something like, "Its awful. I function pretty well, but it is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I knew Alan would most likely go before me because of his heart issues, but I never even came close to being able to imagine what it would be like when it happened." I teach, I share with othes, because one day, chances are, they will go through it also. I look at other couples at church and I think -- one day, one of you will lose the other and then you will be on this same journey. I don't know about you, but I have learned a lot -- and I have grown a lot. I am a strong person and I have made many really good decisions (no moves or anything like that), but I also realize that I'm very human and it appears that there are certain experiences that I am having to learn to deal with that we all encounter to a greater or lesser degree -- but that seem to get us "off track" no matter who we are and what our experience is. I'm speaking of low energy and motivation. I have a vending business I have to run -- it's part time, which is good because it is flexibl somewhat. I refill soda and snack machines for my customers. But some days I find it really hard to get going. I'd rather be able to have the chance to putter in the garden, or nap, or read a book or sew. But I need the income and once I've got the car loaded and I'm on the road, I enjoy the distraction. If I had to use one word to describe what this has been like for me these 8 months, it would be "Overwhelming". I'm so glad I found this website. I've thought of joining a support group, but I don't feel like I have the time. I can visit with all of you any time day or night as time and need arise. Thank you for being there, listening and understanding. It is so great that we can all be here for each other. God bless each one of us today. Hugs to all, Jackie from Pennsylvania
ReplyDeleteI can't stand it when women at my job ask me "Is it getting better?" I try to tell them no it never really gets better but one learns to just cope every day! They just don't get it!
ReplyDeleteOh well I guess they will never understand unitl it happens to them. The only way it could ever get better would be it there was a magic way to bring back the love of my life.
Hi Jordan, after reading your July 23rd post (only words), they are also my pet peeves. But the fact that a true friend came over and spent the night/weekend with you was a blessing! I love that idea! I live alone after 38 years with 3 daughters living out of state. No other blood relatives here. So to those well meaning friends who say I'm worried about you, I just change the subject. Even though I am at a point of making new female friends through a club, they are still married and busy. But your friend Pat has given me the courage to invite someone over for a girl's night maybe. I have finally adjusted to living alone (almost three yrs.) At the beginning, I wanted to be alone with my broken spirit. When I went out to church, meetings, etc. I couldn't wait to get back home where I didn't have to be brave. So thanks for the inspiration to broaden my horizons. Wherever you are on this journey, I wish you some level of solace. Just found this site and I have stayed up late nights reading and gaining new perspectives. So grateful!
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