For me one of the loneliest places to be is the airport. I know that sounds crazy considering there are thousands of people at an airport at any given moment. But for me, it is a sad and very lonely place.
Because of my job I have traveled almost every week for years. Lane and I had a deal. No matter what time of day or night he would take me to the airport and pick me up. I always knew he would be outside waiting for me. I looked forward to seeing his face light up when he saw me. Even if it were a day trip he would say "I missed you so much. Welcome home."
I knew that first trip after Lane died was going to be strange. I tried to pretend it was no big deal. But it was. It signaled the end of life as I had known it. I drove myself to the airport. At the end of the trip I had to face the truth that Lane would never be waiting for me again. I broke down in the car on the way home.
It has been 5 years and I still get that same sinking feeling every time I'm in the airport. There is no place where I feel more alone. There is nobody waiting for me at the end of a trip. No words of love or encouragement. Even though I get into an empty car and drive to an empty house, to me the airport is the emptiest place on earth.
Where do you feel especially lonely?
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I feel exactly the same way. The first time I drove myself to the airport, then arriving and not seeing him there to pick me up was devastating -- it never gets easier. Seeing all the happy couples going on new adventures or returning home together just adds to the lonely feeling -- knowing there will never be another new adventure for the two of us.
ReplyDeleteThis is the third time I have tried to post a comment and the page disappears before I get to post the comment. I will try again because I have been looking for something or someone to help me. My husband passed away December 2009, a heart attack in our home with my 19 year old daughter with him. We were seperated at the time and it has just made everything so much more complicated.
ReplyDeleteMy husband died on 10 November 2009. We had been married since 1972, Mike was 66 and I am 62. He had bowel cancer for 4 years. The reason I am writing this is that I feel my life is going nowhere, I feel like I am floundering about with no direction. I still cry and thought that at 19 months this would have stopped. Not sure why Im writing, guess I just need to offload somewhere. Sue
ReplyDeleteIt's been six months since my husband died, on Christmas Eve. I wish he was still here to tell me how to put the mower bag on, get a drill bit to stay in the drill, and to laugh at me when I can't do it! I also wish that all those people that say call me if you need anything would just stop by sometime to ask if there's anything they can do for me. It is really hard to call someone to help and take them away from their family.
ReplyDeleteMy lonely place is on Sundays....that's when we would just totally hang out at home, watch movies and just relax. Staying home on Sundays is very difficult for me, I usually plan to go to lunch with my girlfriend or visit family. I miss him beyond belief.....
ReplyDeleteMy "lonely place" is the void in me...I know that I was a very independent self assured young women when I met Denny but through the years we two DID become ONE. The beautiful tapestry of our lives is so interwoven that without him I am pulling out one thread at a time, time after time, thousands of times for me to become a separated person again. I loved him dearly, miss him terribly and am using each thread to weave a second tapestry for an independent, self assured 63 year old woman. I hope this tapestry will be beautiful too...
ReplyDeleteMy lonely place is dinner. For 44 years that was when we exchanged news about our days and our friends and neighbors, told each other funny stories, and made plans. Sometimes we took turns preparing the meal, sometimes we worked together, depending on our schedules. We might go out for fast food or a fancy meal, just the two of us, or with the kids, other relatives, or friends.
ReplyDeleteWe shared hot dogs and sloppy joes at campfires, roast beef and Yorkshire pudding in a London pub, pickled herring and dark beer at a street fair in Copenhagen, pork and poi on a Hawaiian beach. There were big fish fries when we visited the Florida relatives, and ham with dumplings and fruit soup with the Iowa family. In Boston we feasted on lobster, up on Puget Sound our Japanese daughter-in-law introduced us to squid, and in San Francisco our Chinese foster daughter ordered foods we didn't recognize in a restaurant where John and I were the only non-Asians. Over the years we explored local restaurants that offered a wide variety of the world's cuisines.
So many meals, so many places, over so much of our lives. The one constant was the man across the table, or sitting beside me. John preferred to sit next to me, and often held my hand before the food came, or after we finished but weren't ready to go. The conversations and laughs--and yes, some disagreements--spanned years and changes. We tossed ideas back and forth about what to do next weekend, what the house needed, where to go on vacation, which of the kids needs what, and what can we afford. Politics, religion, history, football and hockey, the soccer World Cup, and what movies do we want to see. We talked about everything. So much was shared, and decided, over dinners.
When I think back, it seems most of our marriage took place over dinner. Other duties and interests often had us going in different directions the rest of the evening and weekends. Even when we were together those times, we were often too busy to really talk. Sometimes we even slept different hours. But dinner, almost always, we shared.
Since John died I don't have much interest in dinner. Sometimes I forget it completely. It's nice when I share it with friends or family, but otherwise I'd as soon skip it. Sitting at the table alone--the table John stripped down and refinished, on the chair he re-caned--feels false, like I don't belong there. It's just wrong.
So I've lost some weight, but that's OK. I could stand to lose more. But I recently realized I have to take care of my diet to stay healthy. There's only me here. No one else is going to nurse me if I'm sick, pick up my medicine, feed the cats, pay the bills, or take care of the hundred chores that need doing.
I think I'll try eating somewhere different. Maybe move the table out to the sunroom. Maybe get a new table altogether. Now that it's summer, I could also eat in the back yard. And different foods, none of the old favorites and standbys for now. Dinner has become another building block in this new life I'm trying to construct.
My lonely place is everytime I hear married women at work or at the grocery store casually talking about their husbands. I miss speaking of my husband in just everyday normal conversation. I want to chat & smile & say his name like I always did for the 28 years we were married. I also use to love to hear him say "My Wife" when he was talking to folks.
ReplyDeleteI have been feeling awkward & lonely around family, friends, coworkers etc since I lost my husband early November of 2010. When I lost my forever love of my life I immediately felt like I was going thru an identity crisis because I have always been MRS Johnson for the past 30 years & have always felt 100% secure & motivated to be a good wife & working woman. My husband was equally happy being a good husband as well as a very motivated self employed hard working man.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sue for providing this wonderful place for all of us widows to openly talk about how we feel. Reading & sharing makes me feel more normal again.
My lonely place is my home of 44 years. My husband died in October, 2010. I have yet to not expect to hear the 4-wheeler running as he checks on the water while irrigating the farm, the tractor running as he plows, the swather running as he cuts the alfalfa, and the harrow bed running and the bed slamming down as the bales come down on the bed. Obviously, these chores are still being performed.....just not by my husband of 48 years. He was a very industrious man and was either working or working on many of his projects like heavy or farm equipment repair, his "rat rod" he was building from scratch and many more things. I walk our property expecting to see him doing his usual and become overwhelming sad when I realize again that this is not going to happen ever again.
ReplyDeleteI,too hate dinner. I have not sat at the table since he died as we discussed everything important over our meal. When I put my plate on my coffee table in front of the tv to eat, I do feel very very lonely.
I don't know if I will remain in this home for the rest of my life or move to town and rent this home. I think I need time to make that kind of decision as I do love this place. I just loved it so much better when my forever love was here with me.
I am going to try this again for about the sixth time. I need this site so badly and to express my feelings here, but for some reason my posts disappear when I click "Post Comment". I also have these feelings of loneliness and at times it is so overwhelming I can't control the tears. My husband died in October 2010 of lung cancer. He never smoked and we were thrown for a loop when the diagnosis was confirmed. We were married for 471/2 years and my husband worked hard providing for our family. He educated our children and we were suppose to be enjoying our retirement now. I am so lonely that I don't think anything is ever going to help me be whole again. He was everything to me. I can keep busy, but at the end of the day I still come home to an empty house, eat alone, sleep alone and wake up alone. I wish there were something that would help me, but there isn't.
ReplyDeletei lost my husbond 11 months ago due to lung cancer now iam with a friend that he knew trying to go on my child doesnt want me to she sats its to earley he wanted me to
ReplyDeleteiam i . we talk about what we would if ne passes to do now iam not sure we had a good relatinship loved like no like no one could ever have a careing loveing partener type that no one could ever have. i mass so much
Happy July everyone......with the 4th almost upon us I definitely feel lonely during the holidays, all of them, including this one coming up. This year I'll be with my family and also attending a 4th of July wedding. The couple have been living together for years and finally decided to "make it legal". That will be nice, but everyone there will be a couple, except me and my oldest daughter....she's been alone for years since having her heart broken by a live in boyfriend of 15 years.......he really messed her up about relationships, I wish she'd meet someone to be a companion for her, she's only 53 and still very beautiful. It'll be two years Aug. 11th since my husband died and for those of you who are newly widowed, it does get better. I don't cry daily anymore, and am able to say his name without crying.....I do try and avoid memories, and don't look at old pictures of us when we were living in Key Largo and so happy......I will soon be moving back to So. Fla where my daughters live, bought a small house and am really looking foreward to leaving here. Everywhere I look I see my husband, he loved this place and constantly worked outside, planting grape vines, etc. We have 5 acres which require lots of maintenance.....still must get rid of it......but hopefully I'll be able to do that soon. I know, once I'm back "down south" I'll feel better, I have the few times we were able to go down for a weekend. It's just difficult getting rid of things, I can remember where we got this or that and it's hard to "let go".......but I must and will, since I know a better life awaits me........as I said, it does get easier, and there comes a time when you'll know you're starting to recover..........many thanks to Sue for her blog and good luck everyone........Marie
ReplyDeleteI was widowed last November 2010. My husband died from Alzheimers desease. He had been in a nursing home for two years. He was 69 and I am 68. We were married for 45 years. He had a wonderful sense of humor and we loved dancing and golfing.I guess I miss him golfing, as he would always tell my why a shot didnt work, but we were having fun. I miss him a lot, and will never meet anyone like him.I am very lonely, and trying to get through the days, with the hope life improves. I try to keep busy and find new interests in life.
ReplyDeleteBeing a widow is just shitty, no way around it!!!
ReplyDeleteAmen!
ReplyDeleteLonliness for me can set in at any given moment for me. A couple holding hands or kissing, visiting the cemetary, boating, holidays are the worst. I shrug it off 90% of the time or I will be consumed with sadness. Too many things that remind me of him and that he is gone. 4 months later and I "got" it, but I don't "get" it. ha. I dropped our boat in the slip and I am becoming a fine Captain. My "great escape!" I'm taking the bull by the horns. Keep smiling new friends, make the best of your holiday weekend. :) Trish...
ReplyDeleteAfter 5 years,I though the pain would ease but no it has not! I read all the blogs and they are so true. I keep myself very busy but bottom line when I put my head on the pillow at night I am alone. I am sad alone but yet content. People just don't get us don't get me wrong I do smile ,laugh, and have a good time, but dam I miss my husband!!!!
ReplyDeleteMy heart will ache all day today July 4th for my husband even though I am going to spend time with my Mom & family. Every year for the past 20 years my beloved husband & I would leave the city & head up for the high country to stay a few days in a cozy condo overlooking a big beautiful lake & watch the fireworks over the lake at night then wake up to hummingbirds on the deck every morning. This holiday makes me feel more lonely then Christmas or any other holiday. I love him forever & I know if I was at that condo right now it would help me embrace precious memories & make me feel happy so maybe next July 4th I will make a reservation to stay there for a couple of nights.
ReplyDeleteLast night was my 1st night sleeping on the boat without my husband, I had a meltdown... My 2nd time will be easier. I just got to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Holidays really seem to get me down, his birthday will July 23d. I will miss making him a cake.
ReplyDelete19 months my darling husband has been gone - I miss him, like all of you miss yours more than words can ever express. When do I feel lonely, when the room is filled, every holiday, the moment I walk through the door after work, at dinner- cereal again, when I get to the office after being up for hours and realize I haven't used my voice yet, when I hear a song and I am a flood with memories, when I finally get to the cabin and I realize the it was my happy place because I shared it and it was filled with love and laughter -- mostly I am alone when I fall into bed exhausted the arms of his long sleaved tee-shirt wrapped around me and tears sltreaming down my cheeks wondering how I got here and when will we be together so i won't be so unbearably lonely. LUMU San
ReplyDeleteMy sweet Erik has been gone for 2 years and 2 months. Every day is hard for me. Our 2nd baby was born just 1 month after his death. Everytime I look at her my heart ACHES, she looks like him, she acts like him.....I also have a 14 yr old daughter who loved her daddy more than anything in this world, so it has been a really tough time for us. Yes, the baby has made us have happy days, but then I get to thinking about all the fun things Erik used to do with our oldest that my baby will never experience.
ReplyDeleteI mostly avoid doing anything much for holidays. Holidays were always so important to us: dying Easter eggs & hiding them, cutting pumpkins for Halloween, lots & lots of Christmas gifts, shooting off fireworks on 4th of July, birthdays, Mother/Father's Day......They just don't seem as important without Erik. I know I need to "break" out of this for the baby but it is SO hard for me to even think about.
My other lonely time is when I see couples walking hand in hand, especially older couples (I always used to imagine how we would be when we were elderly....now that will never happen...)
Together for 21 years, since we were just out of high school, WE were my whole world and I feel like 1/2 of me died with him. I feel so alone and am tired of putting on my happy face :(
My husband has been gone for 16 months and I still love him so much. The marriage vows said "till death do us part" but didn't they know that death does not kill love?? The Priest that married us buried him and it was too soon. Way too soon. He was able to give his organs to others and hopefully enrich their lives but I never expected to be a 50 year old widow. Ever. I have a hard time giving sage advice like he did to our three sons. Close friends have hurt me deeply with their words and actions. I often wish it had been me instead of him. He was such a wonderful, handsome, charming, funny man...and I know someone would have made him happy again. I don't think anyone will ever make me laugh like him again. One of my good friends husband died 2 months a go and she is already involved with someone new!! That disturbs me but I am not sure why. Maybe because I recoil at the thought of her forgetting him so quickly. I am just so scared all the time and I can't seem to figure out why. Does anyone out there have any ideas??sm
ReplyDeleteIt was six months on July 1 since I lost my love. I truly feel at times that I am losing my mind. When I read some of your messages, I feel better because I realize that it takes a long time, and so many people keep pushing me to "snap out of it". It is not something you snap out of. When you reason for living, your life, your friend, your confidente, your EVERYTHING dies, you die along with him. People will never understand unless they have been there. My husband was only 59. We never had enough time together. I wish I was with him right now where he is.
ReplyDeleteA coworker told me a story about one of her aunts who was married to a wonderful man for 20 years & they had two children. After her husband passed away she got married 6 more times...3 divorces & 3 more husbands that pased away. I think trying to find a replacement for a true love & soulmate is not always the right answer. I know I will forever love my husband of 30 years & I feel content when I sleep at night because I can feel his presence in my heart.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading all of these,, I am in tears. I'm not a widow, but my mother is. We lost my dad on 1/11/11 after 13 yrs of a brutally rare and torturous disease. at the end we wanted him to go, to be out of pain, but the true pain has only just started. My mom was his caretaker for 10 years and is disabled herself and therefore cant work. The pain shes going through now is awful to watch. Shes SOOO lost....whats her purpose now?? She feels so alone and empty and shes falling into a pit of despair that even I cant keep her from. Shes changed...anger, bitterness and nastiness replace the once outgoing, silly, optimistic mother i knew. i thougth "mom" would come back once he passed away as she was under such tremendous stress.....but shes gotten worse. i'm helpless :(:(:(
ReplyDeleteSue, Where are you? Last post June 27.
ReplyDeleteReading all your comments is like reading about my life now. My husband passed away in April 2009. He was such a wonderful husband and man for 38 years and we were college sweethearts. Thank God he made sure I would be ok--- but he forgot to leave me the "road map" for all those little things he did around the house that husbands do for us. The hardest part is doing it all myself without that extra set of hands, feet and conversations that worked as a team to get ready for something. One of my many lonely times is now, summer vacation, when we head over to the beach. A family tradition for almost 30 years. It was always fun to get the Explorer packed up trying to make it all fit and the 6 hour drive over to San Diego with the kids squeezed in. Later it became a SUV caravan with grown up kids and now grand kids. But it's not the same for me being alone. I love going to the beach house but packing up the truck with one less suitcase, beach chair, etc. and making that drive without him brings on the meltdown. I now do it all--the things I do to get ready for a vacation and his job list too. This year my son will help with the packing and the drive. That has made me feel better. I did go over to France with a girlfriend in June, but it wasn't the same as traveling with a husband. I've always been a romantic at heart. Tomorrow I will take his Explorer in for service. I'm blazing a trail and figuring out the road map. I know he is watching over me and is proud of what I'm accomplishing.
ReplyDeleteBeing a widow hurts. It isn't as horrible as when my son was killed 3 days before his 19th birthday, but it still hurts so much, as now I am truly alone. I see couples with gray hair and feel so bereft, knowing that John and I never had that chance to grow old together. My lonely place is my life.
ReplyDeleteI feel jealous when I see couples growing old together. I secretly envy those around me who have spouses. That natural partner/soul mate to do those everyday things together like dinners, movies, shopping, chores, social events , travel, and so on. It sucks! My husband was 58. We had so much life ahead of us, especially sharing the birth of grand children and being grandparents together. You feel cheated and lonely.
ReplyDeleteTry to leave comments but it never works.
ReplyDeleteI miss that secure feeling of being
ReplyDeleteprotected by my husband. I miss him
so much & I keep thinking about how my life has changed & now I know I have to be careful about choosing a safe place when I go out for a walk etc. I always felt carefree with him at my side. I wish he was here! I will always love him forever.
My husband was the most important friend in my life & my companion to every joy in life. As time goes on it is not getting any better. I am 56 & know I need to keep working full time because I need structure. Summertime is so hard on the days I am off work because the days are now too long & I feel completely bored without him. I wish he was here & I know he was one in a million. Maybe during my days off from work or vacation days I will look into doing volunteer work. I need to have a purpose in my life & I worry about just existing & never truly having that content wonderful living life to the fullest feeling again that I felt even if we were just home cooking or watching TV. When I do go places with friends or family I always feel so bored without him!
ReplyDeleteMy husband died July 30, 2006 and my world fell apart. With the help of friends and family I have survied. But even after 5 years, I will sometimes cry when I think about him. He was my love for 27 years. I still have so many wonderful memories like you all do. I never thought about life without him before and it has been so hard. I have been dating another wonderful man for 2 years, for the first 3 years I never even thought of finding someone else, but even with this man, I still get sad. This is just something I have decided that you just can't get over, like people think. Everyone thinks I have moved on, but they don't know. There is no peace, without him.
ReplyDeleteMy husband died 14 months ago. He went to work and never came home. We were married for 25 years with three kids - he was only 46. I miss him so much. Everything I see, hear, touch reminds me of him. I can't seem to snap out of the sadness. I can function and put on a smile but inside I'm falling apart.
ReplyDeleteAll I know is I want to see my husband again someday. Now I am starting to wonder about heaven, reincarnation, etc.....so whatever happens as long as I can be reunited with him is all I really care about, for now I will just exist & do my best every day. I know I will never feel 100% happy again or have the joy I always felt being with him. I love my George forever!
ReplyDeleteHi sm, your post really got my attention... I have been a widow since the 29th of March, four months now. My husband also donated organs, which is what he would have wanted. I also never expected to be a widow at 40, and so agree about it should have been me. It is not self-pity, just a fact, he was a much better person than I am, and my boys need a dad so much. He was my best friend, as well as the only man I have ever loved... and I have not thrown out/given away anything of his yet, although the scent of him seems to have faded from his clothes. Wow, this is hard... I read another comment on here somewhere, about how God only gives what we can handle, and the post said I wish HE didn't have so much confidence in me, I totally relate to that. Would another 20 years, at least, have been too much to ask? I can't wait for this life to be over so I can be with my darling, beloved husband again!
ReplyDeleteLast night I had a dream that my husband George was home with me, everything was perfectly normal & I felt so happy! I lost my forever love 8 months ago & have had this dream now about 7 times. George loved to cook & when I have this dream he is either cooking, watching tv, playing his keyboards, or he is working out in his garage. Every time I have had this dream I ask him in the dream are you really here from now on because I have been so lonely without you? In every dream he tells me yes I have not gone anywhere. After he tells me that I quickly wake up. I wish those dreams would come true or never end because that is when I have that wonderful content secure feeling that I felt every day during our 30 wonderful years together.
ReplyDeleteI was just sitting in my room thinking about him and what i can do with this life alone that i have never had , we was just kids when we meet , i have always love him , we have done everything together so my lonely place is every where i go, because he is not there with me. calling my name looking at one another from across the room at the same time , i lost the love of my life with a blink of the eye to cancer . he died on May 1, 2011
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel my husband also pased away Christmas Eve. People mean well but there life remains the same as yours wil never be the same. As time goes on it does not get easier you just learn how to survive
ReplyDeleteMy husband died on 10 July 2012. He fell at work, was in a coma for a week. The sunday before he died he came out of the coma and when I went to see him he was looking at me. I told him how much I love and miss him. He then took my hand in he and just looked at me. I left the hospital so positive that he will come home soon. The Monday night he was back on the pipes and he passed away in the morning hours the Tuesday. I miss him so much. He was 49 years old. When I close my eyes at night I see him sitting up like that Sunday. When I wake up in the morning I think about the day of his funeral. I am so lonely and misses him so much.I have faith in the Lord and know I have to be patient.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband to suicide in October 2011. My lonely place at night once my son goes to sleep. Wynonna Judd said it best in her show I went to see, "It's in the still quietness of the night you look around and say, 'Is this what it's all about'?" I also feel so lonely and disconnected from my friends. They don't call, they don't check in anymore; it's as if I've lost my friends too. They all think it's time for me to "move on." Our marital relationship was tumultuous at the end so they think I should just be over it. But I have a son to raise alone now and a lot to rearrange, rebuild, and rethink. Lonely when you're the only "single" in the group... sadly, the suicide compounds the loneliness because it is still so taboo, most ignore and pretend it didn't happen. When I try to express my grief, I am shut down pretty quickly because no one wants to talk about it. Sad to lose your husband, your child's father, and the group of friends you thought were you close friends.
ReplyDelete