I am writing this entry on Sunday, June 19th Father's Day. It's a sad day for me because my Dad is gone and so is the children's father, my husband. Not much to celebrate.
So here it is very early in the morning and I am sitting in my office. I have run to my comfort zone. Lane and I went into the consulting business together in 1997. We rented a small office about one mile from our house. We worked together in business just as we did in our personal life -- a good, well matched team. We had different skill sets so there was never any competition or jealousy. We had our eyes on the prize. We were building a nest egg for retirement so that we could travel and do whatever we wanted to do. It was great being together, making money and having fun doing it.
When Lane died I didn't think I would ever step into this office again. Too many memories, too much of us in here. But of course I did and now for many reasons I have a hard time not being here. I could easily work out of my home but I don't want to give up this comfort zone. This is the place where I feel Lane's presence and guidance. I often come here on the weekends or stay late when I don't have to. It's my comfort zone and I can't give it up. Not yet, anyway.
Do you have a comfort zone?
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I just figured out my comfort zone is NOT the bedroom.
ReplyDeleteSteve's gone just two years, and I have finally be able to admit I need to change things in there. I can't keep getting into bed with him every night; i awaken with my arms wrapped around his pillow.
My widow friends tell me I'm right on schedule. This does make me feel better. No reason. It just does.
My husband and I became a serious couple when I was 15 and he was 17. we were together 55 years and married 52 years when he died almost a year ago. I am the walking dead. I stuffed his favorite coat that still faintly smelled like him and sleep with my head on "his shoulder" This made my children think I have lost it. But it comforts me, although the smell has vanished. It seems like I am only waiting to die. I am terrified of growing older and decrepid alone. I have been told I will have to sever my emotional attachment to him before I will be able to move on past this aching yearning and grief. Does anyone else sleep with an item of their husband's or wife's?
ReplyDeleteYes, I do. My husband passed away suddently of a heart attack 2 months ago. He kissed me good by then left his usual time in the morning for work. As soon as he arrived at work, he turned around and fell to the floor. CPR was given instantly, but nothing could make his heart beat again. We were married for 39 years and he was 57 years old.
ReplyDeleteI sleep with his cell phone and his robe which still has his scent. Every time I think of him or picture his face, tears come down. I feel his presence by the comfort/safety of being in our home with one dog and 2 cats. I've been going to a grief support group which ends next Tuesday. It has been helpful and I have friends and family for support. I will start going to another grief support group the 1st and 3rd Wed of each month. I couldn't really cry until a few weeks ago. Now I find crying helps release the built up of emotions I'm feeling.
My husband died of a sudden heart attack 20 months ago tomorrow. Since that terrible night I sleep with one of his long sleeve t-shirts put over my pillow like a pillow-case.. I take the arms and wrap them aeounf me like they did every night for 32 years. Not one moment goes by that I don't think of the love of my life. I wish it was getting easier. It's not - I'm alone with empty sleeves holding me not him.
ReplyDeleteMy comfort zone is not so much a place as it is things. I still wear my wedding rings and also my husbands wedding band all on my ring finger. He wore that ring everyday for 23 years and never took it off. When I wear it I feel that he is "with me" and it gives me comfort and strength. I still have some of his cologne and I spray it on his pillow...the scent gives me a great sense of peace and calm. My husband wore an small diamond "engagement" earing as he worked in a shop then and a ring would have been dangerous. I now have a second piercing in my left ear and will wear that earing...he was very moved when I told him that was what I intended to do. It gives me comfort to honor and remember him in this way.
ReplyDeleteI believe that whatever you do for comfort is perfectly ok if it is not detrimental to you in some way or to someone else. Ladies stay strong, enjoy your beautiful memories and take comfort where ever you can. Hugs to you all. Sue
I just lost my husband in June from acute myeloid leukemia. I find comfort in wearing his t-shirts as I putter around the house and I cover myself with his robe and wrap the arms around me for comfort. I always loved his strong arms around me so it brings some comfort. I keep myself busy all day long so I am sleeping at night, waking early and my mornings are extremely difficult until I can get myself into some project to help ease the pain. My husband and I were married 1 week short of 23 years and he was my best friend. I never dreamed I would be a widow at 43 and we have a son with autism which I am trying to create some normalcy for but I am just so devastated over losing my husband. I don't feel like there is anything to look forward too anymore.
ReplyDeleteMy comfort zone is the house that we built together. Every surface, inside and out, has John's stamp on it. People have offered to have me visit some wonderful places, but home is truly where my heart is. And people have asked me if I plan to downsize and move into a condo. Nope. This is where I find John's spirit and all the evidence of the decisions we made together. He taught me just about everything that goes into construction, and now I use his tools in my reno business. I miss him in so many ways; I just can't see leaving all these memories behind at this point.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband 2 months ago, suddenly. We met when I was 15 and he was 17. We would have been married 54 years, just days after he passed away. We did everything together. More than most. Even went to doctors, dentists, shopping, Happy Hours, everything. To the point where I didn't drive for over one year. Now I am trying to get back into driving again. It is hard. I do sleep with his tee shirt. I have wonderful daughters and granddaughters, and friends. They try to get me out of our place a couple times a week, but even when I go out, I still come back to an empty lonely home. Oh yes, I do have two cat's and they do help, but I miss him so much. I talk to him all the time. I know he answers me too, in a way. I don't know what stage I am in now, but I am hurting. Hurting bad. I try to be strong, and everyone says that I am doing good, but inside, I am not. Guess I am putting on an act for them, but come home and break down.
ReplyDeleteI stopped wearing my wedding ring a year after my husband's death. To ease the pain I decided to have a beautiful ring made out of Jim's wedding ring, I wear it on my right hand, and that brings such comfort to me. I miss him beyond belief......
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband ten months ago in a tragic accident. I thought it would get easier, but instead I find it getting worse. I miss him so much.My family avoids talking about him because they think it makes things worse for me. I joined a support group but I am only 50 years old and the other folks are older than I am.I am trying to move forward but i feel like I am moving backwards. I work during the week which keeps me busy but I am beginning to dread the lonely weekends.
ReplyDeleteYes, I have comfort zones. Too comfortable, so as of this month I've been learning to try to step out of the "comfort" zone. But, gosh, that comfort zone it's a much better place to be!!
ReplyDeleteMy whole house is a comfort zone... I go out to start his truck up once a week and it smells like him... Our boat is a time capsule full of memories... 10 of the best years of our lives... His friends/my friends are my comfort zone... He's gone, but never forgotten... I just found the perfect picture to photo copy on his headstone. :) Hopefully, we all find new comfort zones... Keep smiling new friends... Trish
ReplyDeleteMost of our home is a comfort zone. I had ideas, and John would find ways to build them. From the skylight over the stove to the special decorative tiles in the shower, his work is so well crafted and professional, people marvel that he did it himself. Much of it was done for my personal comfort and convenience. There's a low desk to adjust for my lack of height, the custom step stool that matches the kitchen cabinets he also built, and he made most of the shelves so they pull out like drawers. No more struggling to reach the back of the cupboard, scrabbling on hands and knees to reach something in a low cabinet.
ReplyDeleteBut the back yard was where he really let loose with his own ideas. At one end is the gazebo he built, overgrown with his grape vines; at the other is the waterfall and pond he built, surrounded by the fortnight lillies he planted. Just under the eave troughs along the back of the house is a little enclosed walkway he built for the cats to run from the sunroom to the big exercise cage he made them, enclosing the pond, a climbing tree, and a big rock cairn he made from boulders he collected and hauled home. His orange tree shades the patio, and the vegetable garden is separeted from the rest of the yard by two huge pots he collected from neighbors who were tired of them.
One of these pots is blooming right now with daisies and some yellow flower. I don't know what it is, but it's the last thing he planted, a year ago, when he was too sick to install and tend his usual tomatoes. I hope it's a perennial.
When I really want to feel John's presence, I go out back, walk through the yard, maybe sit and listen to the waterfall a while. With all his work and plantings surrounding me, it's as though he's cradling me in a big hug of his care and love.
It's me again, Darlene.. wanted to post a video I made for this past Father's Day.. If it works, hope so.
ReplyDeletehttp://youtu.be/GqkghBfUkUI
Hello - Just came across this posting and feeling this is just what I have been looking for. Just became a Widow March 28, 2011 and recently moved here to CA from CO to be near family and start fresh. So far, not working out. Have not found a comfort zone and I need one. My Harvey & I were married 37-yrs. and he passed from heart failure. He was my rock and I miss him more than words can express. Does anyone know of a Widows support group I could attend?
ReplyDeleteI am sorry we all have to met this way, yet relieved you are all here.
Warmly,
Sally
wpsally@gmail.com
My husband passed away suddenly one year ago this month. We were 3 months shy of our 39th anniversary. Sometimes I think I'm still in shock. I'm functioning but I'm like a robot going through the motions of living. My comfort zone is my home, especially the bedroom and the back porch where he loved to sit with dog. I work part time, and manage to get through the work day OK, but on the way home I can feel the tears welling up at the thought of him not being there when I get home. His wedding ring fits the middle finger of my left hand and I wear it all the time. I also talk to him. I can supply both sides of the conversation because I knew him so well we could finish each other's sentances. We used to joke about not having to talk because we could read each other's minds. How do you ever stop missing someone you were that close to. I couldn't stop loving him if I tried. It's very frustrating when friends and family tell you that you have to get on with your life. What life? I feel like half a person. I know from attending group therapy that all of the things we do, like sleeping with an item of their clothing, talking to them, etc. are all normal. Don't let anyone tell you when to give it up. You'll know when it's time.
ReplyDeleteSally, I am sorry you have to join us, but we welcome you with sympathy and understanding. Here in CA the only widows support group I am familiar with is run by the Kaiser HMO hospice people. They are open to anyone, you don't have to be a Kaiser patient, and free. I've heard some Senior Centers also have groups. You might start by asking at a Senior Center, they might be able to make suggestions. I am in the Bay Area. Are you anywhere near?
ReplyDeleteI am im the bay area I just lost my husband sept 2012 I dont know what to do? I have already lost my oldest son 3yrs ago. And havent really ever dealt.with it well as my husband got dignoised right after. Just trying to keep the faith... God bles
DeleteAre you ladies in CA familiar with this website
ReplyDeletehttp://www.campwidow.org/
They have a meeting August 12-14 in SanDiego
I live in FL otherwise I would like to go -- check it out.
I have tried to post a comment here twice and it keeps disappearing - what is happening! This is very frustrating!
ReplyDeleteAnita
Since my husband died in May, I have sorted and given away most of his clothes except for the ratty T-shirts and caps he used to wear all the time. I have started wearing the T-shirts, most of which should be sent to the cleaning rag bag, but I can't bear to do that. Even though they have been washed multiple times, they have his essence and I feel comforted when I wear them.
ReplyDeleteMy husband died in January. We were maried for 36 yeaqrs after being high school sweethearts. He was my best friend for as long as I can remember. I miss his smell, touch, laugh and comforting presence. My life can never be the same, although, I believe it will, at some point, be good again.
ReplyDeleteMy comfort zone is actually the family room in my house where we spent so much time together. I am sitting in his favorite chair as I write this.
Time is now our friend, ladies, and if we just let it do it's job, we may survive this. I can't be sure, but what other options do we have? My husband told me to cry and to grieve, but not for too long. I intend to try my best to follow his advice.
My heart is heavy with grief for all of us, and as I read your posts I am comforted by your words.