Monday, April 18, 2011

Are you lonely?

Not that anyone ever asks me but it is an interesting question.  I guess most people assume that a widow is lonely by definition.  I don't think it's that cut and dry.

The dictionary defines lonely as "being without company, cut off from others or not frequented by human beings."  If I use that definition I'm not lonely.  So maybe I am just alone.  Alone is defined as "unaccompanied, by yourself or on your own."  I feel more alone than lonely if that makes any sense.

Lonely sounds sad even pitiful. Not that alone is a great place to be either.  It is hard to be unaccompanied to a family gathering or heaven forbid a wedding.  Being by yourself so much makes you feel a little crazy sometimes.  Making every decision on your own without benefit of his counsel can be overwhelming.

I guess it is all semantics anyway.  In the end we just miss our husbands and our old lives.  It is a simple definition of how we feel everyday.

How do you respond to the question "Are you lonely?"

111 comments:

  1. I agree with you completely and my answer depends upon the day. I find that I love being alone at certain times, especially after work or when I have a wonderful book to read. I feel really lonely at times when I just want someone -- no, not just someone, but my husband, Stan -- with me and feel as if I'll be alone forever and not enjoying it. How's that for a convuluted answer?!

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  2. I am never lonesome. I have alone times by choice. I miss my husband and long for him at times but never lonesome. My life is fulfilled. By choice. Thank God.

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  3. A day never goes by I don't think about my Jim, I will always miss having him around, we were married 50 plus years, some times I don't know how I can go on but I know I will.

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  4. Being a recent widow I think that I am both lonely and alone right now. I am still at the stage where I am waiting for my husband to come home at the end of the day. He and I were inseparable...so Yes I do feel very alone. We did not have children, good friends are still reeling from their own grief, family lives far away and many people are not sure what to say to me or cannot even look at me. So right now I do feel very lonely.I know that I need to get out and make new healthy connections if I am going to get through all of this...one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

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    1. Me too :( I know most of the time that God is good and He is truly my strength. Right now in this minute it hurts too much to be strong.

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    2. Please see a berievement councelor. I lost my husband 2 years ago and started to see the councellor about 2 months after he was gone. Any less would not have helped. But please talk to someone who is understanding, has seen & heard it all before, and has no connection to either of you. If you don't like the 1st 1, find another, but please see someone. They can lead you down a path of discovery of who you are now.

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  5. You are right, alone and lonely are two very different things. I think we all have a little of both. I do not so often feel lonely as I surround myself with people most of the time. Alone, hmm at certain times yes. At those times when we are doing something we used to do with our husbands, both feelings appear to come and go. I try to use what time God has given me to the best of my ability. I try always to have my glass half full, and practice the feeling of joy each day. Some days this is easier than others. It is up to me to make my life happy and find good things to fill my days. It is up to me to make myself miserable too. I think I will choose happy! I will also choose to put my faith in God and ask for help with all of these things. Blessings to you all...

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  6. IT SEEMS LIKE SUCH AN EASY QUESTION BUT THE ANSWER IS SO DIFFICULT...MY DAVID DIED ONLY WEEKS AGO...I AM LONELY FOR HIM...I DONT FEEL LONELY IN GENERAL BECAUSE I AM WITH MY MOM EVERY DAY AND FAMILY AND FRIENDS HAVE BEEN WONDERFULLY SUPPORTIVE BUT I STILL FEEL ALONE WHEN WITH PEOPLE...LIKE A PIECE OF ME IS MISSING...I HAVE THIS SENSE THAT THRU MY LIFE I WONT BE LONELY FOR A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE NO ONE CAN EVER COMPARE TO MY DAVID...BUT I FEEL LIKE I WILL ALWAYS FEEL LONELY FOR HIM...I KNOW GOD WILL SEE ME THRU AND I WILL ONE DAY BE WITH MY DAVID AGAIN...BUT UNTIL THEN I DO FEEL LONELY FOR HIM...LIFE FEELS SO SHORT WHEN U ARE SPENDING IT WITH THE PERSON U LOVE BUT SEEMS SO LONG WHEN U ARE WAITING TO BE REUNITED

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  7. You're right alone and lonely are two different things. You are also right. No one ever asks. I think people either conclude I am lonely because my husband is dead or they assume I am not lonely because I have 2 small children. Having them just means I am never alone, not that I am never lonely. I just about live and breathe my babies, but I get lonely. It's been over a year and I still look at the door and can't believe he won't be back. Miss the little stinker, bad lungs, bad heart, bad bones, bad kidneys and all. Just looking at my children and knowing the only other person who loves them just like I do, who is just as invested in them as I am is gone is a lonely feeling.

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  8. I feel alone and lonelier than I care to admit to anyone. I have always been an independent person but without my husband I feel lost a lot of the time. I feel like I am in a bad movie playing the part of a strong woman for the benefit of my sons and friends. What a difficult journey this is and one we never signed up for. It has been The saddest and most stressful 14 months of my life.

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    1. I so understand this reply!! Its a shock to me that someone so independent as myself can feel this lost as well. This blog is really amazing. We are not alone in our suffering. You are brave to be honest here and I think everyone can relate. It seems to me that there is nothing that can help this go faster or better and that makes it extra hard. I do send my best wishe's to all.

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    2. Me too Aphrodite! It has been 3 1/2 yrs and I still feel lost. This makes me feel abnormal in a way. But my connection with my husband, like the rest of you, was so intertwined I feel a part of me is missing. I am alone but I wake up everyday grateful for the years we shared. I try to be optimistic and take care of myself. He would want me to do well and be at peace. Praying for all of us.

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    3. I have never felt such loss....I read what is written here and have hope as my wife has only passed 4 weeks ago

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    4. I am so lonely . It has been a year, and I still have no idea how to fill my hours. I have no motivation except to stare into space and cry. My husband was such an important part of me. I don't really feel alive without him.. I'm only 56 years old, and my life is done.

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    5. katerose1

      It is really hard to try and find things to fill the hours of our lives now that we are alone. Its overwhelming at times and so sad. I have the hardest time during the weekends, but then the weekdays are lonely too. I was 55 when my husband died suddenly. I just turned 57 the age he was when he died and I too feel like my life is over and I am now just passing time until I die. I dont feel like I am really living I do stuff, but nothing is the same and never will be. I have to try and make some sort of new life for myself but I dont have any clue how to do that or where to begin. And really dont have the energy to do it right now either. My husband was my life and we did everything together and had so many plans for the future ....and now all that is gone and I am left here alone to try and survive somehow. I am at almost 23 months and I have no idea how I have made it this long without him??? But I'm still here "trying" and doing the best that I can for now. I hope life gets better but I know the only way that is going to happen is for me to make it happen....but right now I just dont have what it takes to do that....but maybe someday i will.
      Hang in there katerose1...you are not alone in your feelings and so many of us understand and feel the same way as you do. Just come here as much as you want or need to and I think you will find it helps to talk to others who are feeling the same pain and will still reach out to you to offer support or just validate your feelings to let you know you are not going "crazy" you are normal ...and grieving a huge loss of not only your best friend /soul mate but also the life you knew and shared together and loved.
      take care sending you a ((((hug))))
      forever loved forever missed

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    6. Dear Katerose,
      Every word you typed hits home. The staring into space, no motivation, all of it. The not knowing what to do about a future rings true too.
      The only time it actually hurts a little less is when I can actually make somebody feel better when they are hurting.
      HUGS

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    7. Hello my partners in widowhood, I can relate to what you are saying. I lost Darin on July 13th (which was Friday the 13th!) last year 2012. My feelings lately have been to find another relationship and move forward. I am finding this to be an impossible task. Much easier said then done. Out of the pain and my insecurities I have been on escape mode. I am making this harder on myself by running. We had a lot of problems in our relationship for many years non the less after sixteen years together the pain and the loss to deal with everyday is the same. I am soon needing to go into the hospital to have three disks in my neck fused. Without my husband to hold and comfort me I'm completely lost! I had to move in with my sister and her family. That has a lot of problems too with her kids and a lot of drama day in and day out. I actually feel like death would be better then this some days. I feel absolutely stuck with no where to turn! If any of you have advise for me on what I should be doing different I welcome your thoughts. God Bless each and everyone of you! I know how tough this is to carry on day in and day out hurting so badly. My God help us all. Sharon

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    8. thanks for the help that you are giving me I thought that I was nuts to. I lost my husband July 12 2011 its fill there is no one that really understands me I am very sad and the tears are still coming like I don't care any more but with your help I will be better

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  9. Before my husband's passing I enjoyed "alone time" because there was balance in my life, I could share everything with him. Although I have wonderful children (grown & married), friends & lead an active life, whatever i do, wherever i go, I'm alone. I also get lonely & feel there will never be real joy again since when something wonderful happens, it can't be shared.

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  10. I feel like Anonymous. I am a recent widow and my husband and I did not have children. My friends try so hard but they miss him too. I am alone these days by choice. I know I am isolating myself but I can't help it. I miss him so much. We might have been too invested in each other. We were inseparable and liked it that way. I don't know where to turn. I don't want to join a group as I fear I'd be too involved with feeling too badly for them. I feel like moving and starting over but don't know where to go. I have no family and am all alone in the world. Anonymous 2

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  11. I can keep busy during the day but when the sun sets that is when I feel so alone . I can't even watch the TV because I miss his running commentary. yes I am lonely that hollow empty feeling seems to get worse not better . The silence is terrible .

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  12. Marie in No. Fla.April 21, 2011 at 7:56 AM

    Yes, I am a little lonely, but fortunately, I'm not one to want people around all the time. I kid about becoming a hermit, and I do avoid people when I can, neighbors who mean well, but end up making me feel worse than I did before we talked. I no loger can feign interest in what color drapes my neighbor just ordered from Overstock.com or how awful her dog was at the grooming parlor.....that sort of inane chatter that makes my brain go numb. I'm going to be moving in a few months, and hope that there might be a neighbor there that could possibly become a friend.....I'll have my daughters and their families near so I know I won't have anymore holidays alone....Easter is here and no real plans for anything....everyone lives too far away and I don't enjoy 5 hour drives by myself to go where they are. So, I do have hope that in the future I'll be able to make a friend or two, I feel I'm finally almost ready to do that. It'll be two years Aug. 11th since my husband died and I am doing better than I was, so those of you who are new widows, take heart, you will move on from the awful place you are now.....I didn't think I would and have......just let yourself grieve as long as you need to.........oh, my doctor also gave me anti-depressants, without which I don't know where I'd be.....they really have helped, so much that I'm thinking of getting off them.....going to speak to her about that next visit. I really feel like I don't need them now.......and I don't want to be on medication like that long term, I take enough pills as it is......

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  13. It always depends how I am asked this question. I do get the question off and on. If a person asks me, "Are you lonely" I reply back with, "Why?"
    If someone asks me, "Do you get lonely sometimes?" Then I answer with, "yes, don't you?"
    When I am asked, "Are you alone?" I say, "Yes, the kids moved out." But usually this is a question asked by someone who knows I had a big family at one time. They don't mean lonely, they literally mean alone. It is also a curiously polite way to find out if I am seeing someone yet. :)

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  14. It will be a year next month since my husband died--it seems like each day gets more difficult--does it ever get easier??

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  15. yes I am lonely...I have been widowed almost five years and I am more lonely now that I was in the first few years. I am mostly lonely in the evenings after supper and before bed. I am busy during the day so I am ok. My husband and I spent alot of time together in the evenings and I have no one to help fill the void that happened after he died. I have a close relationship with Jesus and he has helped me immensely but I really miss a physical body...What do you all do?

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  16. Well Easter is amongst us. My first holiday without my honey... I've been invited to several places, but I'm not sure what to do. I don't want a bunch of... How are you, how are the kids handling it, are you ok financially, he was a great guy, blah, blah, blah... 8 weeks later and I still get the same questions by so many people. I know they care and are sincere, but I think I'd rather hang out with my dogs this Easter and watch The Ten Commandments. LOL... Have a great weekend my beautiful new friends... Trish :)

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  17. I am lonely its been over 14 months that my husband has died. And i miss him all the time and i wish that he was still her with me. What i miss the most about him is how could make me laugh and i we would just set up in bed and talk in each others arms. I miss his smile and how he alway wanted to dance with me and tell me how he loved me i miss those word so much right now.I still catch myself talking to him and yes i no that he is not going to answer me it just helps me sometimes when i just want to be with him. And the hardest thing is needing to hear his voice and cann't.But i thank god for where he has brought me from cause if it wasn't for him i would be gone sleeping in my grave BUT GOD. So i try to keep myself in church and busy at work tryn to keep myself from getting so sad. But it is so hard to day cause today would have been our 7 year anniversary. I wish u all a Happy Easter.

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    1. my husband just passed away 10 days ago on our good friday (greek) of a sudden heart attack, he collapsed in my arms and passed away moments after getting to the hospital. i miss him so much and we have a 10 month old baby girl. my mother is staying with me now but when she leaves im sure it will be hard. im scared and i worry for my baby girl, she will be growing up without a daddy and it breaks my heart. he loved her so much, his life was us, he loved us so much. i wish i could of saved him. i can't say i feel lost at the moment, i just feel sad and scared for us. we lived a simple life and it was so nice. i miss him and i feel for him, i know he didn't suffer, but i feel for him and wish i could of done something. its so fresh in my mind, i keep replaying that day and those quick moments. everything happened so fast...

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    2. Its really hard when your young and you loose your husband. Im forty three I lost my husband to cancer at the age of forty. H was forty one when he passed away. He was my soul mate, my other half we shared everything together. We knew many friends but not close friends. We preferred to be by ourselves so when he passed away I didnt have lots of friends to comfort me just my family. Our daughter was six years old when it happened she loves her daddy and misses him so much it really breaks my heart that a child of this age should have to go through something like this. As for being alone I feel alone every single day. The only thing that keeps me going is my beautiful child. I dont make plans for the future anymore. I just take everyday as it comes and try to make my little girls life as happy as it can possibly be. I am also greek and I lost my darling husband on Megali Pempti Thursday of greek easter.

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    3. U r right I was only 40 with no children just a cat.I. had to grow up fast. As the rest of you say you are so used to your husband making all the plans in the household .Spend the money, earn ing the money.
      You must have a counsellor also

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  18. @ Anonymous who asked, what do you all do? I too miss my husbands loving ways, gentle touch, quick smile and all of his amazing qualities. I have a body pillow and turn on my electric blanket. Believe it or not, it has helped in the last 8 weeks. I'm trying to stay strong and stay on top of things. I stay focused on everything that comes my way. I'm not going to let this horrible situation destroy me. I've always been such a happy go lucky person, but "grief" has got to be one of the hardest things to overcome. We all have to be strong and get thru this nightmare! Your buddy, Trish... :)

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  19. my husband died 17 months ago. We were high school sweethearts. We were married for 29 years. He was only 51. I miss him more every day . I am surrounded by so many but so alone and lonely. Every night i have slept with one of his shirts with long sleaves that i wrap around me . I'm not sure it helps but it makes me feel he is somehow still with me.

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  20. I know what you mean about talking to your husband. When I see or hear something that reminds me of either something we shared or a story he told me about his childhood or military days, I look up and ask him "Do you remember such and such, ..." and imagine him smiling.

    There also have been things that have happened, items that would have meant something only to us, appearing in impossible places, ... Maybe that is his way of telling me that he is okay.

    I also know what you mean about feeling alone in a crowd. A friend or relative may give you a smile and a much needed hug, but they weren't his smile or his arms around you.

    Fred has been gone for 14 months now and I still catch myself thinking "He's not coming back, is he?" Still, I remember him every day and the days have gradually lost much of their Painful sadness. But, often the empty spot that used to be filled by my best friend of 36 years makes itself known, and I have to start learning to be alone, but not lonely, all over again. Right now, it feels like that lesson might take a lifetime to learn.

    Even so, I am starting to look forward to learning new things and want to imagine that Fred will be there, sharing in my new discoveries.

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  21. I'm alone. I'm 30, a young widow. People say I have my WHOLE life ahead of me, all I want is the life I HAD, not this uncertain painful future...without my best friend.

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    1. I am tired also of hearing that I have my whole life ahead of me. I am tired of being told that I am selfish for saying I want my old life back. I want my husband back. I want the house back the way it was with him. I miss him so much and it has been 16 months. I am tired of hearing people tell me that I should be better than "this". They don't know what I had with my husband. They were not here with me living my life with him. I am also a young widow. My husband died 8 days after our little girl's 8th birthday at age 48. We want him back!

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    2. I usually want to tell them I want my dreams back, the dreams of our future, our life,our loves. I usually tell them I want my storyteller back, the man who was carrying our joint moments, our shared stories. Now I don't know what dreams I have, I have no story teller to remember and share and laugh with. My children and I are trying but always there is piece missing

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  22. I am sitting here crying.It's almost a year since my lovely husband died. I miss him more than words can express. He was my best friend , lover and my life. We were together for 44 wonderful yrs. Childhood sweethearts. I am getting on with life, I work part time and have just started as a Saturday Girl in a bridal shop. I enjoy life most of the time but don't feel I will ever be really happy again. I have 2 beautiful daughters and a 6 month old grandaughter who has bought so much joy into our lives but it is also bitter sweet, He should be here to share her. he would have been a wonderful Grandad as he was husband and father. Seeing my daughters having to cope with their grief makes me realise I must not let them have to cope with mine as well. I constantly think what he would be wanting me to do and know he would be proud of me but I am not living the life we planned. There are 2 of me, the public one who smiles and talks and the private one , often in a heap on the floor sobbing. I am told it gets easier and I can't wait for the day when it stops hurting sooooooooo much!!!

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    1. You expressed my life. The 2 of me, the one that puts on a smile, amazes people that I try new things and seem happy, and the one that is so alone at night, never wanting to go home. After Don died, I would look at the reflection in the window and would only see me, not Don and me, and I was incredible sad. I applied widows grief, (the kind where you just want to make yourself miserable because you're still alive, not him) and lost weight. At least now when I see a reflection in the window I don't see either him or me and it's better. But tonight, after my grandsons graduation, sitting with parents and grandparents, who all had their spouses, me sitting alone, I feel like I can't handle my double life any more. I know I'll be alone the rest of my life and I'm not sure I can handle it.

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  23. My husband has been gone for eighteen months, we were married for 41 years... I am still crying at times... I have just returned from visiting my son and his little fellow at the lake, for some reason I feel more alone now than I did before I went.. I miss his calm way of being, my son is anything but calm and I find it hard to be with him and not miss Ed. It seems at times I am ok, and other times I feel like I am falling apart. I had managed to quit smoking since April, but I bought a pack when I came back home five days ago, I just came home from town , where I bought another two packs... I know this is isn't good. Now I need to go out and unclog the mower to mow my huge lawns, and I don't feel like it at all... but I will... not sure where this is all leading... I have tried to sell my house, but part of me doesn't want to, I need to reduce my price if I really want to sell... I should move closer to my Son, as I have no other family and he lives 5 and half hours away... Our winters here are very long and I live a ways out of town... My Son and his wife want me to move to their town and get a condo and go to work, I have a beautiful dog and do not wish to give her up..just not sure what to do.

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    1. Whatever you do - don't give up that dog. If the condo doesn't allow the dog, it's not the right condo for you!!!

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    2. I agree. Find yourself a place that allows pets.

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  24. I'm so lonely and miss my husband so much I just want to die! He passed away at 58 years and was sick for the last two. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't long for his touch and a hug from him. I keep waiting for him to come home and know he won't. Sometimes I wish I could will myself to die just to be with him. There is no longer a reason to cook, to sing, to smile, to do anything but die. I just don't know how to live anymore. We were married for 35 years and I wrapped myself in him. I think I'll move, but I'm not really a people person, I was his girl, his wife, his friend and life now just sucks.

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  25. My husband passed away July 21, 2011 - I caught a glimpse of him last night in my dreams. He looked well and fit. It is not going to be an easy day but with 2 kids - I will do my best to shake off this feeling of sadness. Outside my window I see the branches swaying in a gentle breeze and the sunlight filtering through the tall trees - and I sometimes feel hopeful. I take a deep breath and let out a sigh. I am torn between hope and sadness.

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  26. I was married for 63 years. We had a large family and many grandchildren. However, I am still alone and keep trying daily to make a life for myself. It is not easy, but it is a must do.
    One can not live in the past, and we must go forward, being with people is so important. Being busy is a necessity even if it is something that is not of great importance.

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  27. My wife passed away 2 years ago. We were married for 49 years. I am all by myself as my children live far away. My friends do not call. I suffer from severe depression. I been for help a number of times but nothing helps. My neighbors do not even say hello. I am a Korea war veteran and was in combat during the war. My daughters call me about once every 2 weeks. They live 1200 miles away. I truly feel alone. I am in my 80's. I eat very healthy, cook full meals, write songs and poems, invent things. I been in the newspapers a number of times with my ideas. I exercise everyday but cannot shake of my feelings of ending my life even though I been to a number of doctors. Nothing has helped at all. Thanks for listening.

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    1. We are all listening!! Well, I am listening.......
      2 years isn't much time, but it sure feels like it.
      Please don't end your life, your wife would be mad at you.
      This is a natural part of life and you seem like such a lovely person. As you can read here, your feelings are normal.
      This is a hard thing.......I'm sorry.

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    2. I am listening too. I lost my best friend and wife just 4 week ago tomorrow. Please share your feelings here, we care, and understand. We had been together for 40 years, and I promise to her memory that I will try to get by without her physical presence it has not been easy, and I do not expect it to soon, but life...it for the living and I hope to be your age someday.....peace and Love to you...please take it one day at a time....

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    3. Can you move to be near your daughters? If I didn't have my sons nearby, I don't know what I would do. And since you are a man, I can imagine that friends think you are doing much better than you are. People don't know how to respond to you because they haven't experienced what you have. It's a tough, lonely world. I don't know how I continue every day, but there is no other choice. My dogs do help, though. At least I am not totally alone here in the house every night. Take care and know that many others are in your corner.

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    4. I sometimes feel the same way,My husband was my best friend. My family lives near by and not supportive. His family lives 3,000 miles away and are the most supportive wonderful family, It has been 5 years and I work , live grieve. By the way Thanks you for your service. My husband was a veteran also.

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    5. My husband passed November 11 ,2008. I feel alone even in a crowded room. I feel what you are going through. My family lives near by and are not supportive at all. His family lives 3,000 miles away and are the best. Thank you God for them. He was also a veteran of the United states, and by the way Thank you for your services.

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    6. God bless you for staying strong and his family for loving you. My family barely knew my husband and his family will not even return calls. My family, whom I sheltered from his suffering, assumes I am still the same strong woman they knew. My papa was a Marine and my Dad a lifer in the Air Force. Guess that's where I learned to be tough - it doesn't make up for days and weeks alone.

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  28. My husband passed away on Oct 29th. He had gone in for day surgery August 2nd to repair a hernia and took the month of August off. Everything was good- we went to Martha's Vineyard on the ferry, to Newport for the day and he seemed fine. He started to experience pain in September and thought it was the mesh from his surgery. After several tests, they did a cat scan and found cancer that had metastasized to his liver. We were shocked when they sent him home to die with hospice and gave him weeks, then days to live. He died at the age of 56. We had no warning, This man was my whole life. We had settled into a comfortable rut of working, then coming home and having dinner together while we watched the news or a rented movie. I was so comfortable with our life at this point. Now I wake up each day and cry realizing the harsh reality that my love is never coming home. I see his car in the driveway each day when I return from work and my heart flutters for a brief moment, thinking that he will be getting out of his car to greet me. I keep waiting to wake up from what I hope is just a horrible nightmare- but it is not. I keep thinking that this is it for the rest of my life. The silence in the house is deafening. Thanksgiving came and went, my birthday came and went. I got through them but cried my eyes out when I got home. Driving in the car is impossible, I cry all the way to and all the way back from my destination. Someone please tell me that it will get better. I am only 57 now and can't bear the thought of another 25 to 30 years like this.

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    1. I am 58 and my husband died the same way. 12 weeks after his diagnosis and he was gone. It was 2 1/2 years ago and I sob every day. We had a great life and had been married just short of 20 years. I cried for so long while driving I would go thru box's and box's of kleenex and often had to pull over.
      Now I notice that cry a bit less as time goes on. My sadness is mostly when I think of his shock and how he did'nt want to die, my heart breaks for him more than myself.
      One thing I know after reading all these comments is that our feelings are normal. I can't belive that this is how we will feel forever, but I know there is no way to make it faster. You WILL feel better and so will I. Our husbands would hate that we are suffering so.
      My very best to you.

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    2. Hi, My husband died 8 years ago, it does get better but it takes a long time. Please surround yourself with family and friends if you can. I took antidepressants for about 6 months and they really helped to take the edge off and allow me to focus better. Life is still hard for me, I would like to remarry but it is hard to meet someone. I have been where you all are now, you can go forward in your lives with God's help and love. Do try to keep busy and most of all learn to love yourselves again.

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  29. Last writer, and others,
    We have had similiar experiences; I almost could have written your post; Shortly after my father's funeral in January, my husband picked up an intestinal bug that could not be resolved. He was admitted February 15th for dehydration, diagnosed with lung cancer that had played havoc with his liver, and he died on March 7th, after a valiant although short battle. We met on Cape Cod in 1968 when I was 19. Coming home is the hardest part of my day. He always was home first, and had supper ready. I looked forward to our evenings; and all week, I counted down to Friday, b/c it was the beginning of the weekend.
    I miss him incredibly , every day , every minute. I keep myself busy during the day with work, and evening with more work (I am a teacher, it's what we do) There is nothing that would make my day if once in a while a neighbor said, "Hey, we are having spaghetti tonite. Would you like to join us?" This will never occur to them, they have no idea what this is like, I am the first to have dealt with this. I generally eat something that takes under 10 minutes to fix, so I can get in and out of the kitchen as fast as I can.

    It all still hurts, and I wish I could be a groundhog and sleep in until March actually, so I can skip Valentine's day. Does it get any easier: Not yet, it just gets different, However, I can go to some events now, without feeling I need to be home in my house, within an hour or two, b/c that's where I feel closest to Jerry.
    Things that have helped: I journal as needed, I have taken up reading again,I couldn't watch a netflix movie alone until August. I talk to him all the time; in my journals, in the house, in the car, and to the first star I see each night. Keep in contact with his friends, kep up your routines, establish new ones, and if you do not have a pet, get one.

    I still cry in the car, in the mens's department in stores, and when I go to the Commissary as well as unexpected times: yesterday, I read a Christmas card from a dear friend, who said that she hoped 2012 would be a better year for me. It
    CAN'T be better. NOTHING CAN BE FIXED. I lost my dad and my husband in less than 2 months of each other.

    I still love my husband with every fiber of my being and believe I always will. I also have reason to believe that he is close by, and that helps.

    Hydrangea

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  30. Dear Korean War Veteran,
    I have re read your post several times since the 13th. Please do not consider ending your life: You have much contribute, through your inventions, your poems,and songs. You are healthy, and are responsibly taking care of yourself. My neighbors do not call either, I figure that they have no idea how it feels to be me. If I have the opportunity to mention it to them in a tactful way, I will.

    A friend of mine lost her husband in her 80's, it took 7 years to remember his birthday with a smile. It does get easier with time. I have not reached that point yet either, it's only been 9 months for me.

    You mentioned your daughters call every two weeks... Call them in between: share with them what you are working on. If you are able bodied and driving, go to local hospitals as a redcross volunteer. They helped me so much while I was in the Critical care Unit for 11 days with my husband, just chatting here and there about the different places we had been stationed, my honey was retired military, as they distributed snacks, magazines. Jerry and I had planned on doing that in our retirement.

    You are a necessary person in this world.
    Your wife would want you to make good decisions and to continue to live responsibly. She would not want you to forget her, and I am sure you know that love never dies.

    Regards,
    Hydrangea

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  31. My dear husband of 49 years passed away 10 weeks ago. Even though he had long-standing medical problems, it was a shock when he died in an instant from sudden cardiac arrest. I keep playing the death scene over and over in my mind, wondering if I could have done something more to save him, even though I did everything I could. All is so empty and quiet now, and the grief is overwhelming at certain times. His hobby trains and tools just sit there, and the grass needs cutting and trimming -- a testament to his absence. My partner and pal is gone forever, no more hugs or chit-chat. I talk to myself now just to hear a human voice in the house. I put on a front for family and friends, but I am hollow on the inside, as if there is a big hole in the pit of my stomach. Time is our friend and the grief will ease up, I know, but for now things are truly difficult. Best wishes for healing to all the widows and widowers posting here.

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  32. Well my husband passed on Dec 12th and it seems like a dream. He was there for me, our boys, his family and many many friends. It was a confort to hear all the stories everyone had about to share at his services, however all is quite now.. I still have one son at home and we try to go on with our day to day however we realize it's just not the seem without him. I try to tell myself, as well as my sons that we will be okay, but it is hard to believe it myself. Some days are easier than others. Some days it takes everything I have to just get out of bed. Im not the same person that was married for 25 years to the most wonderful man... I keep telling myself I'm not the only one that has to go through this. I try to remind myself my mother went through this when I was younger and my mother in law also went through this, so I have to be strong like they were... I wish all of you that have written on this site much peace and happiness. I have to believe it will come to all of you as well as me!

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  33. My husband of 35 years passed away unexpectedly on August 10, 2011. He was never in the hospital until last year. He was being treated for a bacterial infection at one of the best hospitals in the country. He was 62 years old but much younger looking and the doctors could not believe his age. He was very healthy as he biked, jogged, lifted weights and we were vegetarians who ate about 95% organic food for over 30 years. My husband had annual physicals and was always given a clean bill of health as he took care of himself. My husband and I married 6 months after we met and were married 7 years before we had children. Therefore, we had a lot of time to get to know each other. I married him for his kind and tender heart(he was very easy on the eyes as well)! A year after we were married someone else took first place in his heart and I was not even jealous because that person was Jesus Christ who gave my husband an even bigger heart. He was a faithful husband to me and father as well to our 2 living children! I know that my husband loved God first just as I do and that he is with Jesus as we both became Christians around the same time. I know that he is praising and glorifying God and Jesus as he has eternal life! I believe according to the Bible and in my heart that there is no better place, however in my flesh, I miss him terribly. We were best friends and except for when he was at work, we spent most of our time together. As I tell people, we grew up together...in our mid 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's and early 60's. I have been truly blessed as I've slept every night since my husband's passing so I know that God is real because my husband and I have only spent about 5 nights apart in 35 years (when I was in the hospital and visiting parents). Even if we had a disagreement we would eventually end up in bed together and touching feet(even if we slept back to back)! I cry often especially when returning home. I'm like the little piggy that went to market and cried "wee wee wee" all the way home!
    Did I say home...well, it's not home because he's not here but I am comforted by the Holy Spirit! This is the same Holy Spirit that comforted me when my husband called from his hospital bed to tell me to get there as he was slipping away! In my flesh, I wanted to run through the hospital screaming and crying as I watched my husband of 35 years slipping away but God gave me the peace that passes all understanding and God's love, mercy and grace along with the prayers of others is helping me through the biggest test of my Christian journey! To God be the glory as I'm trusting Him to keep me through this difficult time. God bless you all...Rejoicing through the tears

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  34. Hoping that talking to all of you will help me. My husband has soon been gone 7 mos and to me, it is getting worse instead of better. He died of a rare disease called ocular melanoma.He lived 16 mos after he was diagnosed. We were married 39 years and were high school sweethearts. I have two grown daughters and 7 grandchildren. They keep me going but it is still so hard. If I go out with friends I feel so lonely because they talk about their husbands. A part of me is missing and I feel like it always will be. He was the love of my life and I don't think I will ever be truly happy again. I exist from day to day but I wouldn't call it living.

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    1. I know how you feel. Until I started reading this sight, I felt as though I was only existing. But now,I am starting to understand that I have to live my life for me now. Not that I love him any less or I've forgotten about him. I never will. It's just that i have to look at tomorrow and not keep looking at yesterday. Thinking about yesterday is fine but it only holds me back from tomorrow. I think he would want me to live for tomorrow. He knows we will be together again, but until then tomorrow is all we have. Of course a part of us will always be missing, but just try to think of him as being happy, no pain, only happiness. The pain will ease. You have so many people to love and who will give you happiness. You'll see. Good luck. Sue M

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  35. March 14th would have been our 42nd anniversary. My daughters gave me roses and granddaughters, 4 and 6 spent the night. I work full time and am grateful to have kept my job during his illness. He passed July 4, 2009 after being diagnosed with gliomblastoma. We were told there might be slight weakness after the biopsy in February. The night before he went into the hospital he wanted me and I denyed him...I was tired and planned for a wonderful weekend, not knowing he would never be able to leave his bed again. He came home with hospice. Our three daughters and grandchildren were supportive. The babies were 2 and 4, now 4 and 6. Unfortunately, today-a 7 year old student at school has cancer..how sad little ones know the evils of cancer and what it does to us. We renewed our vows on March 14th, 2009 with family surrounding us..Yes, there are those who are supportive but don't really understand why I still am grieving.."How long has it been now" they ask....was it only yesterday we pledged our troth? yesterday all my troubles seem so far away..but now..Those were the days my friends we thought would never end..I don't think I fully appreciated his goodness, generosity, patience no one will be able to fill his size 14 shoes..He was an innocent in some things..having faith in so many..you who have recently lost..my heart goes out to you..you who time has past..I know you have not forgotten..Yes, my tears still fall..I long to hear his voice and have him hold me in his arms..blessings to all. The waves come over me and all I long for is for someone to hold me while I cry...but I must be strong for others and not let them see my pain and sorrow.

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  36. Going on 91 days. I dread Sunday - Easter. I was the one who did all the cooking, entertaining, hiding eggs. My stepson and his family went to Mexico with no thought about me, and my daughter and her family have plans with her boyfriends parents.
    The every day loneliness is bad enough, this particular weekend might be the worst.

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  37. http://www.youngwidow.org/ has been a big help for me. I am 46 and my husband (52) died 2 weeks ago, 6 weeks after he was diagnosed with cancer. I am blessed with my two children, family and friends, but I miss him terribly. I am so sorry for all of you who have lost your spouse. If you are on your own, the pain is even harder to bear, because you have lost that other person who was like your twin, and made up for not having family and friends close by. Connect with people whenever you can, so you can heal. Humans are social creatures; we need love and connection. I spend a lot of time online in the evenings, connecting with people who understand what I am going through. I also recommend the book by Viktor Frankl called "Man's Search for Meaning". He says that if you cannot escape suffering, dedicate yourself to a cause, a person, or a goal, to give the suffering meaning. I am dedicated to showing my children that it is OK to go on living and being happy, and to continuing the life that my husband and I started together. He helped me overcome many issues from my childhood, and I know he would want me to be as happy and healthy as possible without him. I am in pain, and do not know how I will live without my husband, but without knowing how, I am living. There is always someone out there whose life would be richer and better if they knew you. Look for that person and make a difference in their life and let your suffering help relieve someone else. To live for another when you cannot imagine living is to give meaning to your suffering. I am praying for all of us to have strength and hope, DorothyK

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  38. I lost my husband 17 months ago. The hardest thing for me is being totally responsible for everything, the house, bills, yard work, shopping, and the lack of balance in a relationship that was shared for many years. Some say that things get easier as time goes by, but I think things will get harder as I age and can't do what I do now on my own. My husband was a very unique handyman, and he tackled just about anything for anyone. I shared his talents with many. I miss his fearlessness in getting done what had to be done.
    Three months after my husband died I met someone and have felt love again but I have still not met him after 14 months. Meeting him on line was the answer to the pain I felt and he gave me much comfort in talking and he also had lost his wife.
    Time will tell if we are meant to be together, but I can tell you that having a connection with someone during the morning period is so very helpful. If you loved your spouse, like I did very much, then loving someone else comes naturally. We still want to love and be loved. Reach out and you my find comfort and love again.

    Jann

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  39. Hello everyone, I just joined tonight I lost my husband 1-9-12

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    1. Hi Anonymous, You are among kindred spirits. This site is one where you can come to at anytime and express your feelings or just to share with someone else. I often go back and read past responses. This helps to connect with someone who is at the same stage of grief as you are. No matter how new or long we are on this journey, we understand every emotion. We are here for you!

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  40. I lost my husband 12/21/2007 and I am still grieving for him! He was my world and our son was his world. I can still remember that tragic day my son and I rode passed the accident and saw a patrol car smashed and to only found out it was my husband his father! Ugggggggggh!!!!! My heart still aches my son was just two at the time but he knew it was his dad patrol car! I can't even move on because I still miss him so much!!!!!!!! I want him back in our life, they say God knows best! I haven't even gotten to that point yet to truly understand that part!

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  41. Rejoicing through the tears!June 24, 2012 at 6:23 PM

    It is amazing what people say when you've lost a spouse! It would be better if they just give a hug and keep their mouth shut! My husband of 35 years passed away unexpectedly August 2011. People still say stuff like it'll get better with time, the pain will go away, after the first year it'll be easier and on and on and on. I think I'm going to stop being so nice and ask them, "How would you know since your husband is still living?" Yes, I'm going to say it, even if it only makes me feel better! Also, just because I smile they just assume that it's gotten better...of course can't even begin to realize the pain of losing a faithful husband and father! However, God is faithful and He and prayers of many are helping to keep me from totally losing it! God bless and keep all of you as we go through this journey called life!! Be encouraged. Rejoicing through the tears!!!

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  42. What a wealth of responses, all true. Sometimes I feel like I'm acting in a play I've created. During the day I throw myself into my work, but after work I find more excuses to not go home. Weekends usually find me gone, shopping, anything to not be home. My husband was a paraplegic and we were always together. After he died (22 months, 13 days, 3 hours, but whose counting), I couldn't look at my reflection in a window, because he wasn't there with me. I went on a diet because I hate to diet, and I was trying to punish myself because I was still alive, not him. I lost a lot of weight, so now when I look at my relection, I don't see either of us, so it's OK. I've come to accept my being alone, but still find it hard to cope with the loneliness. I do things by myself, but everything seems so geared to more than one. I'm surprised when I go into a restaurant and they ask, only one(?) then try to find a place to seat just one. Or buying tickets for a baseball game, and again they ask only one? Sorry for rambling, but I think it is helping me today when I have an intense feeling of loneliness.

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  43. oh my gosh yes--the just one? question is too much. Decent people can be very insensitive to widows so we need to educate them. Our society has a weird way of dealing with grief. In other cultures they wail--literally wail after a loss or wear armbands. In our culture you get 2 weeks off, lots of food and flowers and expectations that we will keep it together and not make a scene by showing our grief. This sounds harsh but if you have lost someone than you know I am spot on. We can be the change in this area-we know better than most. I have spent my last 10 years trying to educate people on how to handle widows---one person at a time--hopefully it has helped.

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  44. The first two years after my husband of 35 years died I busied myself, was 'strong'. I became so busy and 'great' at appearing normal and coping that people around me relaxed as I seemed to be doing so well.

    I was in shock, in disbelief! I had to keep going to fill the void. I was so busy I appreciated my little time alone. But, I cried alone and anniversaries were dreaded, it brought all the horribliness of his illness and death back freshly. I also began to realise that all the busyness had no substance. I did not have a truly intimate friend, my best friend, my husband was gone. Then the emptiness of social contacts gave way to lonliness and thats when the worst of my bereavement started. The realisation that I did not have anyone anymore to confide in, to hold my hand, to encourge me, to hold me, to comfort me, to love me for myself rather than the image I project. Now I feel lonely to the point of hopelessness as I have tried all the things that are supposed to help and lead one onto a new life. I was a 'good' widow, did everything recommended, tried to make new friends, invited people to coffee, lunch. Joined associations, put my all into them - and at the end - nothing. I made no real friends, no new avenues. My daughter lives an hour away but she works full time and texts or phones several times a week. I see her maybe once a week. She has her young family and her health is problematic and she still mourns her dad. Shock and will to survive carried me for 2+ years but after that my health deteriorated, my contacts decreased, I was too tired to continue with the 'groups' who never met outside the group. Now, in my 5th year, I don't know where I'm going and have lost the confidence I did have that I could do it without my beloved as I see things getting worse instead of better. The terrible aching has lessened but the lonliness has replaced it. I like my own company, like to read but 24/7 of same is not good for man or beast. Has anyone out there grieved back to front like I did?

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    1. I too was married 35 years when my husband passed away 1 year ago this month. People don't understand when the love of your life and best friend dies unexpectedly. They comment that it must be hard but still expect you to get over it. As you said, there's the loneliness and me for me, feeling the emptiness as well. It's also very exhausting and often times, I just don't want to do anything but end up pushing myself to try and have some 'normal' when it's not really normal. to be honest, I'm only able to continue on because of my faith and hope in God and the prayers of many people. Unfortunately, we are not in this alone as many others have to feel this pain and loneliness every day. I would not wish this pain on anyone...even my worse enemy! Let's continue to support one another. God bless you and keep you.

      Rejoicing thru the tears!

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    2. I haven't lost my faith but I do feel abandoned sometimes

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    3. I have read almost all of the posts, and yours so mirrors my life. I am at the 2 year mark and I am worn out from being the self sustaining, do everything yourself widow. I really think that fear drove me and in a lot of ways still does. I miss my husband of 44 years.

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  45. I lost my husband 5 yrs ago For some reason this has been a harder year. I find myself isolating myself from friends. They are all married and being with them is hard. My two youngest are out of town with families of their own. My oldest is nearby but not attentive she has 4 kids and just figures I should enjoy my solitude. A lot of the replies here reflect how I feel. I have never been a social person. Have always depended on others and now I am paying the price. At 62 I feel like such a young widow. The only widows I know are in their 70's and even with the same circumstances the generational differences pop up. Well thanks for letting me vent

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    1. Sounds like youre venting my own sentiments. Im also @62yrs & missing my hubby of 38yrs for these past 3yrs &2mos but seem like am missing him more ea yr & grieving for our life together & what might have been as we looked forward to our retiremnt. Like you I also prefer to be home & has learned to cope w/ solitude. Thankful our puppies are still healthy & so appreciate their company as I would have been totally lost as they were closer to my husband; I retrained myself & adjusting to isolation as my children are out of town w/ their own families...Hoping youll make the best of these Holidays & a Happy Healthy New Yr to all of us in this Journey

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  46. Everyone expects it... being a widow to get easier. However, at times I feel that it's harder. I'm 61 and my husband of 35 years passed away suddenly last August. Only my faith in God is keeping and bringing me through this along with the support and prayers of many people.

    God bless you all!
    Rejoicing through the tears!

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  47. My husband died 17 months ago. Yesterday I cried like a baby because I miss him so much. I'm alone tonight on Christmas Eve and will be alonen tomorrow. My family will meet on Wednesday for our Christmas, and I don't even want to go. Last year I put up my tree and breezed right through Christmas. This year is's harder than last year, but I read that the second year is often harder than the first. I just don't know what to do with my time. I'm 66 years old and was a caregiver for years and years and years. I also worked and now I don't do either one of those things. My days are empty. I wake every morning with a sick, empty feeling in my stomach. How long does this last? I've been to a psychologist. I have all the tools that I need ---- according to him. I guess I just don't know how to use them yet.

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  48. My husband of 35 years died just over 2 years ago so I have just had my third Christmas without him. I have had a successful and happy year, new grandchild ,new job and the last of my children married. On occasions I miss him more than words can say. Most of the time nobody would even guess the pain I feel. Sometimes I do so well I even surprise myself how happy I am but on a bad moment it all feels like yesterday.
    Oh well here's to 2013

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  49. My wife of 51 years died on 21 Nov 2012. It’s not just you ladies that have a hard time. My neighbors, the hospital staff, all have been so thoughtful and nice, but the distraction is measured in hours and then the pain is still there. I had no idea that this intensity of grief was, according to these posts, common, if not normal. I’m perturbed that grief doesn’t lessen with time for many of you, as I had been expecting. It’s been a little over a month now, and I’m tearing as I write this. I don’t like this weakness. I haven’t even moved her things, almost wanting to keep this presence of her. We were mostly self-sufficient, my wife and I, and there now isn’t really anything left. I keep searching for a way to make a new life; plans that Peri and I made for the future don’t seem attractive any more. It’s a pretty bleak world. I appreciate this column, making me realize that I’m not alone with this suffering.

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    1. I understand so much of the pain and lonliness that surrounds the loss of a spouse. Having another adult to talk to after work is so absent and wanted. I have been a widow for 2 years and I believe that things will just get more difficult as I age. Right now I am struggling so much financially even though I have a good paying job.The only thing that I can think of to displace this aloneness is to fall in love again and have another to share my life with. Easier said than done though. I wish all of those who have lost a spouse would feel complete within oneself. I care for all of you who suffer this emotion of sadness and loss. Believe in God and keep one foot in front of the other. The only way to keep going is to keep on moving.

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  50. Iam a widow of 52, my husband died in Sept 2011 he was 50. My other close family were all in there 80s & 90s - I lost them all that year. I miss my husband so much, we were together since we were 17. He was my soul mate and we could say anything to each other and he knew how to make me laugh so easily. We were inseparable and we both knew we would never part. Now he is gone and a large part of me is missing, I have the numb emptiness, the lonliness in a crowd, no one to talk to that knows me, that I could spill my true feelings out to. I go to work and close my mind to the lonliness, I act like it doesn't hurt. The conversations with others are so superficial. He is not here, I keep his coat and hat hanging in the hallway but he is not here. I have not seen him for so long, I long to see him again. Life size and animated, the things he used to say, the way we laughed together. I miss him. I talk to his photograph, I talk to his brother, but he is not here.

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  51. I am a widow at 56. My husband died on Feb 9, 2013 at the age of 57. I miss him so much, I cry at the drop of a hat. We were supposed to grow old together and had plans for retirement. I talk to his picture, I write in a journal to share my thoughts with him. The numbness that I felt the first five weeks has left me, but now I feel such despair, loneliness. We've been best friends since the age of 11 and married for 34 years. I go to work, but by the afternoon, my thoughts drift to him. I pull his sweaters on at night to keep me warm. I've moved his wheel chairs and commodes, but can't bring myself to part with anything yet and he was a pack rat. I miss him so much it hurts. I used to take care of him day and night; people keep telling me I can sleep now since I'm not his caregiver, but I have yet to sleep more than a couple of hours. We have two adult children and they are having trouble adjusting as well. Our little family was so close with his passing our lives/our world has just been torn apart.

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  52. It will be one year at the end of July since my husband passed, He had ALS. We knew he was dying and spent every moment we could talking about how much we loved each other and what I should do when he was gone. When I'm feeling really bad and lonely I think back to the things we talked about and remember how much he really loved me. I have no clue if things will truly get easier like everyone keeps telling me, but I know that he wants me to be happy and live the best life I can. There are several family members that think I should just move on already, that I've taken enough time to grieve, but have I really? I still can feel the void where he used to be and wish I knew how to move on.

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  53. My husband past away very suddenly from a massive heart attach in 2006 - undiagnosed from his PCP. I take care of my elderly parents full-time but I have to say I'm lonely most of the time. I do have a caregiver that comes in once a week. I can pretty honestly say I really don't have friends. People are always saying "we have to get together", I'll say that's a great idea but no one calls me. My daughter (30 years old) and me are very close but she's moving out of state in a few months. My son is 20 and lives in the same state as me but wants his own life. Of course I can still see him but he's starting a new chapter in his life. Who doesn't at age 20. I have 4 dogs that I love dearly who bring me great job but, they are not my husband. I didn't expect to be alone as an empty nester. People might say make friends, go volunteer. I do volunteer but I guess I really don't have time for friends. I wish every day that my husband was with me still. I miss him so much. Time hasn't changed that. And it's true, no one can say they know how you feel unless they have lost their husband or wife. Thanks for listening.

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  54. My husband also died of a heart attack this past January. I still feel shocked but the loneliness is more than I can bear. If I had a dime for everytime people say, I will call you but then they never do. I don't want to be sad like this for the rest of my life. I know I will always miss him but I want to have joy in my life again but I don't see how that is possible without him.

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  55. I am a widower for almost a year now. It has been a miserable year. I am alone and lonely like everyone else. Sometimes I am even grumpy and grouchy because of it. My wife wouldn't be happy with me about any of it. Still, I cannot change it. She was my world and now I am like shattered glass. You can put me back together but I will never be the same.....

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    1. i know exactly how you are feeling m8 i lost my dear wife just over 3 years ago now but it was sudden and i had no warning at all,we where very very happy and she was my complete and utter life when she died so did i and even the length of time does not make a difference,i joined a dating site and have been on a few dates but it is always the same no matter what i do if i start to feel as if i like the person i am with i begin to feel as though i am cheating and guilt enters and then i have to stop what is happening so i guess that i must remain on my own even though i really miss female company

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  56. I have been a widow for 2.5 years. I am 54. My daughter is leaving for college in sept. and I am dreading it. My son will be home for another 2 years. Then I will be completely alone. People think I have 'gotten past it'. They think I am doing well. I am not. Every day is a struggle...every morning waking up and remembering that it is one more day alone. I feel like this is all that is left for me- what if I live another 20 years....how can I do this for another 20 years? It's like a prison sentence....

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    1. I know how you feel except I am a little older (61) and
      Lost my husband a year ago this Tuesday. June 18th
      2013. Of course, like all of you it goes a day at a time.
      Even though it's only coming up on my first year and it's
      all still new to me, I can tell you you still have a lot of
      wonderful things coming your way. Your kids and
      grand kids will add so much love and happiness to
      you life you will find many reasons to get up every
      morning and go on with your life. I'm not saying it is
      easy or that there won't always be a void in your life
      where your husband use to be but, you will find other
      things to be happy about. My husband and I where
      together for 40 years. I'm still dealing with waking up
      every morning and remembering he's gone. I'm still
      spending a lot of time thinking "what if I had done this
      or that". When I am with my kids and grand kids I enjoy
      It so much I am happy I am here to enjoy those times.
      When a friend comes to me to talk when they are upset
      about something, I feel my value and realize I do still
      have people who need me as much as I need them.
      I actually miss my husband the most when I am with our
      grandchildren because that's when we had the most fun together. And now I treasure it even more because of
      those memories. Every day is new, sometimes hard,
      sometimes not so hard, but everything left waiting for
      me in my life is what my husband and I built together.
      I want to continue building on that and leave more
      good memories with my family and friends.
      Today is a good day even though it is a year exactly
      when everything happened. My kids and I are laughing
      and remembering all the funny things that happened
      with their father.
      You have a lot of wonderful things coming your way.
      Allow yourself to enjoy it as it comes so you don't
      miss them. I hope things get easier for you and I hope
      you find yourself laughing and enjoying his memory
      more often then then crying over it. I am just learning
      to do that myself and I am beginning to see the light
      at the end of the tunnel. My heart and thoughts are
      with you.

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  57. For those new widows Yes its hurt so bad, But time passes and you will not hurt as much, I still do not put a Xmas tree at my home or Xmas lights in front of my home. but getting a pet does help a lot, they give you unconditional love, and keep your mind busy, even if you are not going to go out that day at least get dress and not be in your PJs all day, it starts to getting depressing after awhile, if you don't help yourself, no one knows that you are in pain, my husband Trino always used to say don't worry I would take care of you? Its hard when they took care of us and now we are face with paying bills on time, property taxes, fire insurance, paying before you get a late fee on anything, as time passes the sun will shine on your face, if I , when ever I have a dream of him, he has help me, he even in a dream he gives me advice, once I was undecided if I should fix my washer or just buy a new one? He tell me in a dream its time to get a new washer, So I went and got a washer, it wash close much better than my old washing machine, I knew I needed a new one, because I am so resourceful if I could have same my old washer I would of, Our love ones speak to us in our dreams that the only way they could connect with us, Another dream I was undecided if I should take my senior parents to visit to their Country Mexico, its was not safe for a lot of reasons, their age or health, unsafely, over there, people getting kidnap for ransom money, and I had a dream of my husband Trinidad, he tells me in a dream. get me a ticket I am going with you, in Spanish. I was so happy I knew every thing was going to be O.K. I took my parents in May 9,2011, they were so happy and home sick but, we all came back safe and sound. our loves still connect, we just can not see them but they are with us all the time. Anita

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  58. It has been a year today. During this time, I have lost Bill, my health has made it so I cannot work, my daughter is moving to another state and I feel lost. Weekdays are better because my grandson keeps me busy. He has visitation on the weekends and it is terribly quiet.

    I have always thought that I was strong and independent, but now I realize how much of my strength came from Bill. I would give up almost anything to be in his arms again!

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    1. Anonymous at 5:02 am

      I remember the one year mark so well, I thought maybe something would magically change how I was feeling now that all the "first without him" were over, but it didnt. Now it was just the "second birthday, holiday, anniversary" without him. I am at 25 months and still find it hard to believe I have survived that long without him. I know that feeling of "feeling lost" I think most of us feel that way without our husbands and the life we loved. I agree with what you said about thinking that you were always a strong independent women and finding out now that most of that strength came from your husband...I feel that way too. Just the thought of being in his arms again brings a smile to my heart, if only I could bring them all back to us again....
      I'm sorry that your daughter is moving to another state I know that is going to be hard on you, my son lives in another state and I would love to have them here living close by .....but I have one here and him there....so I guess I am staying put for the time being. Weekends are the worst ....lonely...silent...even more than the weekdays if that is possible. I guess because I know what we would have been doing together and now I do pretty much nothing. No one calls unless I call them anymore. So I did yard work today to keep myself busy. Fun ....wooohooo life sure isnt what it use to be and never will be ever again...sad but true.
      sending a hug your way (((hug))))
      forever loved forever missed

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  59. My husband died suddently and traumatically 2-1/2 years ago. He had been missing for a week - found drowned. He had diabetes and was disoriented. He went to work and never came home. I am devastated and feel I died when he did. I can't seem to find my way in this world. Friends don't want me as I am not part of a couple anymore. Family left as they say I am too sad. So I am alone. I know how all of you feel and is there a boat we can all climb in to make our way to an island for misfits? I am sorrowful.
    Rina

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    1. Rina
      Sending Hugs your way, we all know how you feel, I think we all feel like misfits now, I know I just don't feel I fit in anywhere since my Jim left over 21 months ago. I am praying that we will have better days ahead, I think if you have not been through this ordeal you have no idea what it is like. Please keep coming to this site it helps.
      Edy

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  60. If someone asked me that question, which they don't because I think most people avoid it, then I would say that no I am not lonely, but I am alone and don't like it.
    My husband died almost 2 years ago now, and we had been married 30 years. For the last 10 he had a succession of illnesses, and was 66 when he died. I am 66 now. I have no children, but do have a sister and nephew near. I live with a dog and a budgie. I keep in touch with friends everyday by email, and I am a member of an art club nearby.
    This is the second time I have been widowed. I was first married in 1968, but my husband died suddenly when he was 31 and I was 28. Five years later I married again, and 30 years later here I am. I do not consider myself old, so could, conceivably, start a new life, but I am scared that it will happen to me again, and that I am a jinx. I miss my life with my husband, and talk to his photograph every day, but I find that as time goes on it does get easier. What I miss most of all though, is being the most important person in someone else's universe. My sister has a son, and my friends their own families. I miss being part of a whole. I feel my life is useless at the moment, and will probably find some work to do next year.
    It is very hard, and the other day someone asked me why I don't go out more, or on holiday, and I tried to explain that I could, but without someone else to share things with, it was not the same.They didn't understand what it was like to be alone, and won't until it happens to them. Sadly, such is life. Someone wrote of an island, where people like us could go. I wish there was, because we wouldn't be alone anymore....

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  61. it has been exactly 3 months today since my beautiful husband was taken from this world.. my heart is lonely and i am completely lost. the only comfort i find in each passing day is that iit s one day closer to my death one day closer to my Chris. it sad i have 2 kids (14, 10) that need me but i cant seem to do much of anything; i work part time but wen im home im lifeless im numb no desire to converse go out nothing. i pray everyday i beg everyday for god to give him
    back somehow so i just sit and wait.. i know i sound crazy but its what helps me get threw the day waiting for him to come back.

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    1. cmvg1313

      3 months is so soon, so raw, so painful...we have all been there and understand the pain and loss you are feeling....our hearts go out to you and your children.
      I can relate to everything you wrote....you are numb and in shock and in a fog....
      I too, felt like I was just waiting for him to come home, for this to be over and he would come back.....how i wish that was true.
      I hope you come back here and pour out your thoughts and feeling and reach out to all the caring women on here that understand. I hope you find some comfort being here with others who are living this hell too...we lean on each other and do our best to help each other when we can. We are all at different points in this journey....and we all grieve different and then we grieve the same in many ways....but no matter what we are all missing and grieving our loving husbands and we get it......
      sending you a ((((hug))))
      forever loved forever missed

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    2. cmvg1313....we all know your pain. I've been there twice. The last was 4 years aglo I lost my husband to a long fight with cancer. Does it get easier...well lets put it this way you learn how to get through each day minute by minute. But please keep coming back here and pour put your heart and know that we are all in this together and can feel each others pain. Don't run from it like I did. It only makes it worse. Pray to God for help, courage and hope, not death. Although we all have different stories and a different journey we all have one thing in common we have lost our loving husbands and miss them and grieving them and wanting there loving arms wrapped around us so badly..I at times can feel it I want it so bad....just know we are here for you and talk with us. It helps me so don't be a stranger...feel my hug as I feel your pain..

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  62. it has been exactly three months since i lost my wonderful husband Chris. my heart is lonely im so sad each day is getting harder. i find comfort with each passing day cause it brings me one day closer to my own demise, one day closer to Chris. we have 2 kids (10,14) together n its so sad they comfort me they console me. i go threw the motions of the day and do what has to be done but its getting harder i find i dont want to leave th house for anything only for what i have to do; i hate coming home to a house without him there so its easier not to leave. I pray to God i beg pleasr give him back please and i just wait. i know i must sound crazy but i cant even toy with the thought that he may not be back. i just cant.

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    1. Please try and be strong for your kids, they must be going through it as well. It is hard, very hard, but I promise you, it does get better over time. Your husband would want you to carry on, so do it for him if nothing else.

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  63. It is 16 months since my husband died of a heart attack while he was working in Congo, Africa. He had left home in Canada where we live just two weeks to the day before he died. We had such plans. I did not know I would never see him again when I said goodbye at the airport. I never seen him in death. I just got his ashes back about two months later after a lot of trouble between countries and language issues. Now I no longer hear his voice. I see couples together and my heart gives a jerk because I know i won't be a couple with him again. Breaks my heart. Other people can be in my life but none of them are him. I have my children (grown) and my friends but after 25 years with Jack, I am just devastated. And yes....Alone. What a horrible word.

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    1. Teresa,
      My heart goes out to you....my husband also died of a sudden heart attack soon after his 57 birthday. I understand how devastated you are and am feeling that devastation too. I am longer into this journey as I just hit 28 months....I know I am some what better than I was in the beginning of this horrible new life of being alone, but nothing will ever make me stop missing him or our life and future together.....I will forever grieve for those. Seeing couples pulls at all of our hearts now, and yes, it is heartbreaking....I miss being a couple "with him" I miss holding his hand and feeling his warm strong body next to mine....its a very difficult life to learn how to live without the love of your life.
      I cant imagine what you had to go thru hearing your husband had died in another country and all that you had to go thru....I'm so sorry.
      And you are so right, we can have many people and children and friends in our life, but no one will ever be him or take his place in our life. And no one understands that until you have live it.
      Take care sending a ((hug)) your way.....
      forever loved forever missed

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  64. My life will always be defined by how many months my husband is gone. If I survive, the months will become years, but I will forever be waiting for him to return home. Sometimes the frustration of wonder what is taking him so long gives way to suffocating sadness, so for now it is better to feel frustration. Everyone says to be strong, that is what he would want. But I know what he would want better that anyone. He would want me with him, taking care of him as I always have. In my adult life I have searched for some compelling evidence of a god. I could not survive if I did not now believe he is waiting for me somewhere.

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  65. More alone than lonely, but am now starting to miss some companionship. (Widowed for 7 months). Not missing my husband who was mean to me, just missing having someone around to love and go through life with.

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  66. I have been alone now for eight years. I suppose looking at this site is an indication that being a widow (a word I do not like) is a long, hard journey. My husband died of a rare, aggressive cancer when I was 51. I would like to say that it gets easier, but really, I do not think that it does. It is a constant challenge. You do get better at being alone, though, or at least you get used to it, but the heart continues to ache. The love we shared is greatly missed, even more as I age. This evening, I sat on my porch (I just painted it and it looks so nice), and I deeply missed my husband. We used to sit and chat, look at the trees and garden. He sat there when he was ill--it was early autumn. I work in another country for about 6 months each year, and that has been a godsend. But you return home, and the emptiness is still there. I accept my husband's death and the finality of it more than I did in the past. I do not believe in an afterlife. Sometimes, I can make being alone fulfilling in some way, but it is an effort, and it is tiring. Lately, I have given up trying, and I just spend a lot of time alone. I still dread the family weddings, and having to be there for hours without my lifelong love, my husband, my dancing partner, my rock and friend. I would rather not go at all, and hope that I awake that day with the flu or a cold, but I do not wish to offend or hurt my family. Lately, I would like to meet a nice man, just to have a friendship and occasional companionship. But to be honest, I hardly know where to begin, and I am now nearly 60, and I have lost my confidence in beginning again. I do have hope, and I do work hard, but I can say that these years have been so very tough.

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  67. My husband passed away almost 5 months ago. They tell me it will get easier with time, but every single day is harder....my son says, "Mom, every day is a challenge!" And he's right. Skip got sick in October and passed away in February, two weeks before our 34th anniversary. I miss him every single minute of every single day. So far, I haven't gone even a day without crying. I do ok during the day when I am out, but when I head the car in the direction of home, the tears begin to flow uncontrollably. I know he's not there. I feel like many of you do.....my life as I've known it for so many years is over. People tell me I will have a new life, but I don't want a new life, I want my husband back home with me. I want to go to sleep with him next to me and wake up with him. I want to make plans for the future with him, plan vacations. We both are retired, and these are the years when we should really be enjoying each others company, but he's gone. I feel lost, I don't know what to do with myself. We were very involved in our church. I go, but most of the time, I have to leave. I sit on the back row near a door so I can escape. I have faith that there is an afterlife as told in the Bible and I believe I will see my husband again. But, it will be different, and I want it the same. I want him to love me more than anyone else. I just want him. I don't think this will ever get easier. We married late - I was 33 and had lived alone for a long time, but I don't know how to be alone anymore. I'm just so incredibly sad. I just want my husband.

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    1. The day you wrote this was our wedding anniversary. We had been married 50 years on July 7 1941 and in Dec, 2012 he died suddenly.
      Now this date makes me cry, Cookie

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  68. My husband died on may2 2014 of a sudden heart attack we was married for 20 years he was my whole life the pain is so unbearable I miss him so much the pain is so unimaginable how can I go on without him I feel like I can't breath at times and that my heart is literally broken all I do is cry I lost my best friend the man I was supposed to grow old with please tell me how can I go on with life?

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