When you were dating you looked for men that had certain qualities you wanted in a husband. Is he honest? Does he have a sense of humor? Is he affectionate?
On job interviews you are always asked to describe your skill set. What are your strengths? How do you deal with stressful situations? Are you a team player?
So what does it take to be successful at being a widow? Well according to my family I have good coping skills that have helped me accept and live with my loss.
I guess it looks like I am coping. I get out of bed every morning. I take care of my basic health needs. I don't complain. I always say I am doing well.
I go through the motions. I do what needs to be done. But I keep my fears and frustrations to myself. I rarely share my inner thoughts.
So do I have good coping skills? Or am I just a pretty good actor playing the part of a widow who has accepted her new life?
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I feel like there are no coping skills what so ever when it comes to being a widow. There are days when I feel like I'm managing fine, but there are days when I'm just existing, just putting one foot in front of the other and......waiting to die. I can't imagine ever having joy in my life again. I don't care wether people get it or not. It's my personal hell. Nobody can understand it unless they've experienced it......period.
ReplyDeleteI believe you're a "normal" widow...
ReplyDeleteJoyce Carol Oates has a new book out about being a widow, A WIDOW'S STORY. I heard her talk about it on PBS News Hour tonight. She sounds no different from the rest of us. Somehow that was reassuring.
ReplyDeleteGoing on with life is not easy. You are always feeling that empty place in your heart and home.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband 5 months ago after a 27-month fight with cancer. I'm 50 years old. I feel like you do Sue. Am I coping? I go through the rituals of the day, I go to work, I smile, make small talk; and then at night I sit and ponder "how will I do this?" It doesn't seem like I can but I make it through to another day. My heart aches.
ReplyDeleteMy husband dropped deadat 57 while on his bike- a complete shock. It has now been 5 yearsand I find the hardest part is that all my friends are couples so wkends are long. I just wish there was some way to connect with the many other people like myself who just want friends who understand and want to go to the movies, dinner, play cards etc. It seems we are all sitting alone "together"
ReplyDeleteWhat remains of my heart goes out to you! Please know that what you are experiencing is a normal part of grieving the loss of your spouse. Only you know if you are "playing" the part of a widow accepting her life. I got tired of puting on the face of a widower who is accepting his "new life." Problem is I miss my wife (old life)! I can no longer take putting on the facade. I lost my wife last March. She battled through manying medical issues. But she lost the war. I look forward to when my sadness becomes happy memories of our 29 years of marriage. Right now I am trying to stop the roller coaster.
ReplyDeleteI'm coming up on 1 year March 7th since I lost my Richie. I don't know if I am coping or just existing. This as been one of the worst years of my life. I do know that my girls think I am better because I don't cry in front of them anymore. I do that at night when I am by myself. Because I don't always talk about Richie I think they beleive I am better. But if I don't talk about him them I don't have to face the fact that he is gone. So I guess I'm not coping so well after all.
ReplyDeletewell its been 4 months to the day that my beloved Terry died. It still is fresh and being a spouse to a disabled vietnam veteran the goverment sure dont give you much money to live on, Terry was concerned about that i told him i would be getting plenty, Im glad he didnt know. Still on my anxiety pills they help a little bit but still the tears come everyday. I had to rent a room to make ends meet see im only 54 and will not get his social security till im 60. So he still takes care of me i manage, Dont want to be rich or anything just want my Terry back.
ReplyDeleteI just saw an ad about Valentines. Now I have anxiety about facing another day without my valentine.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first became a widow back in 2006 I was shocked to see the lack of support groups/forums on the Internet or in my community. I could not have gotten through my grieving process without the help of 7 wonderful friends. My feelings on the journey of grief, it takes as long as it takes, talking helps, try not to avoid feeling the pain and most importantly believe with all your heart it will get better, because it does. Grief is a journey you need to participate in, not avoid. There is a song done by Leona Lewis called “Happy” and it really should be every person’s anthem for going through grieve. Check it out on YouTube. God Bless!
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband on April 20, 2011. He had only 4 months after being told he had Cancer. The day before he died he said he was worried about me. Would I be OK? No bitterness, no anger, just concern for me. It broke my heart. I tell my friends I'm OK. I smile. I wonder if they know I'm not OK. We had 50 years together and now I am 70 years old. I want to heal my heart so that I can give to others. I am so utterly lost but I feel guilty for feeling like that because I have so many caring people around me.
ReplyDeleteI lost my wonderful husband to acute leukaemia six months ago. It was all over in two weeks and he was unconscious for most of that tine. Only knew he was ill for a few days. What a nightmare. No-one around me really 'gets it'. How could they? I pretend I am doing OK. I can be such a good actor. 'Yes, I am doing OK. How are you?' has become my mantra. But it is all such bloody CRAP. We aren't OK, are we? We have lost our best friends, our future together, and our dearest love.
ReplyDeleteEven though our story is different it's the same. " appArently" I look really good and I am so strong and everyone is so proud of me, I'm not. I never thought I was good at acting but I am. I too have been abandoned by all my married friends but I don't care. I just want to be alone. I went to church this morning and almost ran out so desperate to be home alone with my grief. I crowd all the way home. lay on the couch with my cat and watched the kind of movie we would never have watched on a Sunday ( Sunday was for sport and after that was our time alone). it's such a terrible week. My 4th month after a tragic accident and on the 31 st my wedding anniversary. how am I going to get through this week. This blog is my only hope. tha k you to all of you who have been through it and help us
ReplyDeleteDear Sunny Dawn,
ReplyDeleteJust breathe hon........
HUGS
My husband went out for a bike ride and didn't come home. Found him next morning on the side of the road- massive heart attack. Just want to tell you that you need to be kind to yourself- no feeling is "wrong", you don't "get over it". You go on, you don't "move on". Take one hour at a time when you need to. Don't make any big decisions for a year and don't listen to any advice from persons who haven't experienced what you have. Yes, we are all Scarlet O Hara's- acting like we are okay. But my mother gave me great advice- " The sun still comes up and the sun still goes down". Hang on, you will make it.
ReplyDelete