Pretending

You might call it lying. Or just being deceitful.  I say it is just harmless pretending.  I admit that I have done it before and I am sure that I will do it again. 

Let me explain.  I was on an airplane the other day chatting with the woman sitting next to me.  She was all excited that for the holidays she and her husband were traveling to Spain.  I replied enthusiastically sharing the adventures Lane and I had in Spain in 2005.  Except I pretended that the vacation was last year and not five years ago.  I even went as far as telling this stranger what other vacation destinations "we" wanted to enjoy in the next few years.

So for an hour and a half I pretended that Lane was alive.  And for that short time I was still a married woman and not a widow.  It made me feel good to be part of a couple again.  It was nice to say we instead of I.  It might have been a lie or at the least a silly fantasy but I enjoyed that plane ride.  It was fun pretending that everything was fine.

Have you ever pretended that your husband was still alive?

The Bermuda Triangle

We are all about to enter the Bermuda Triangle -- Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve. Any of these holidays can bring you down but all three back to back will rock any ship.

On my maiden voyage the seas were pretty rough.  I used to love having Thanksgiving dinner at my house.  But there was no way that first year  I could have handled it.  So I went to my cousin's and it was awful.  Oh not the party or the people but being there without Lane was really difficult. My daughters and I left before dessert.

On Christmas Eve we went out to dinner.  Weird for us but at the time it seemed like a good idea.  On Christmas Day we went to the movies.

I was alone on New Year's Eve.  I made a fancy dinner like I did every year. But nothing seemed right.  The meal tasted bad and the wine even worse.  Without Lane to share it with bringing in the New Year was meaningless and even painful.

On New Year's Day I felt better.  I had made it through the triangle. But here we are again.  Same holidays.  Same loneliness.  Yes, my ship is a little more seaworthy now so the voyage isn't quite as rough.  But holidays without Lane are still nothing to celebrate.

How you going to get through the holidays?

The new normal

Adjusting to life after our husbands die is really challenging.  Many of us are trying to understand what many people are calling "the new normal."  I have been hearing this expression a lot lately and it got me thinking. Is the life I am living my new normal?

On a day to day basis, my life today is not all that different than it was 4 years ago.  I live in the same house.  I have the same job.  I shop at the same stores.  It's just that now I do all of this alone.  So is this my new normal?

I tend to think that the new normal is an emotional awakening.  You know, getting the zest for life back or really feeling joyful about things again.  If that's the definition I haven't found my new normal yet.

I know it's normal to miss your husband.  I also know it's normal to work, go to a movie or have dinner with a friend.  I know I'm not as lost as I was a couple of years ago.  The way I feel today might be my new normal.  It may never get any better than this. All I can do is accept it and hope it doesn't get any worse.  Is that normal?

What is your new normal?

Today is his birthday

It comes once a year whether I like it or not.  November 1st is or should I say was Lane's birthday.  It wasn't Lane's style to make a big deal about his birthday.  So our celebrations were always low keyed.  Getting together with the kids or a having dinner out was the usual birthday event.

The first year after Lane died I decided to make a big deal out of his birthday and celebrate his life.  Big mistake.  It was too soon.  We were all still trying to adjust to special occasions without him.

The next year I did a complete 360.  I spent the whole day ignoring the fact that it was Lane's birthday.  I went about my business and kept a very low profile.  Didn't want to talk to anyone or think about birthdays past.  In the end I realized that I couldn't ignore the memories.

So here I am again on Lane's birthday.  And this year I have decided to just give myself permission to feel sad.  I miss him every day but a birthday is a special day full of hope and good wishes.  So why shouldn't I feel sad today? 

When do you give yourself permission to feel sad?