Wedding Anniversary

Today is my wedding anniversary.  And the 4th time I have had to celebrate alone.  Once again I don't quite know what to do.

Lane and I were married in city hall.  Just the two of us, which is how we always spent our anniversary.  In the morning he gave me flowers and a mushy card.  What a great way to start your day.  Dinner out a favorite restaurant or if we felt like splurging we went to a place on our "must try" list.  It was fun.

But the best part was hearing Lane talk about how much he loved being married to me.  Of course we had our ups and downs but overall we had a solid marriage full of love, understanding and humor.  He said we were a perfect team. 

So what do I do today?  It's Saturday so I have errands to run and stuff to clean.  I guess I will take a long walk and maybe treat myself to a manicure.  To me September 25 will never be just another day.  It was my wedding day.  It was the best day of my life.

What are you going to do on your anniversary?

It's been a tough week

This has been a really stressful week for me.  I am usually pretty good at handling the day to day stresses but for some reason this week did me in.

Work has been overwhelming.  I know I shouldn't complain because being busy means making money.  But the whole idea of going into business for ourselves was to share the workload and have fun doing it.  Well this week there was lots of work, no sharing and a huge absence of fun.

Both of the daughters are having some problems with their significant others.  Although I have always been the go to person on female/male relationships in our household we all turned to Lane for the less emotional male point of view.

My ceiling fan broke and my handyman went AWOL.  I tried to fix it but only made it worse.

Did I mention that my doctor wants me to see a specialist for a medical consultation? Got that sweet piece of news this week.

And I gained a pound and a half and didn't even eat anything good.

So, I had a tough week.  The worst part is that Lane isn't here to deal with my ranting or raving or get me a glass of wine to lift my spirits.  Or make me laugh at myself and my complaining.  Tough weeks stink.  And when you are alone they smell to high heaven.

What do you do when you have a tough week?

Dreams

I've never been a great sleeper.  I'm not much of a dreamer either.  Or at least I can't remember my dreams when I wake up. Once in awhile I have anxiety dreams. You know the dream when you show up at work and suddenly realize you're naked.  In college I had a reoccurring dream that I was tumbling down a steep hill and couldn't stop my fall.  Of course it was the late '60's and I did my share of partying.

After Lane died I never dreamed about him.  I wanted to but it just never happened.  I thought it would be comforting to "see him" and experience a moment with him again.

Then all of a sudden the dreams began.  And for the past 2 years I keep dreaming the same plot with different scenarios.  Lane isn't dead in these dreams he just doesn't want to be with me.  In some dreams he lives by himself or in another city.  He has his own life and it doesn't include me.  I see him but we never speak or make eye contact.  I don't matter in his world.



Sometimes I wake up startled and have to remember he is dead.  Other times I am able to tell myself it's only a dream and he isn't avoiding me.  He is just dead and gone.  In either case the dream is pretty unsettling.  I'm not a psychiatrist so I have no idea how to interpret this dream.  And that's probably a good thing.

Are you having any weird dreams?

Things I never learned to do...well that is

We all know that after our husbands die we start doing things we never imagined doing.  Some things I do now that Lane once did I'm pretty good at.  However, I never mastered any of the following:

-  Scrambling eggs.  His were light and fluffy.  Mine are either runny or hard.
-  Sharpening knives.  I can't take the sound of metal on metal.
-  Wrapping presents.  Lane's looked professional.  I now send checks.
-  Making popcorn.  I blame it on the microwave. Lane did it on the stovetop.
-  Shoveling snow.   It's cold, wet and heavy.  He thought it was a good workout.
-  Folding laundry.  His mother taught him.  Mine didn't.
-  Reading directions.  Lane had patience and comprehension skills.  No for me on both counts.

Are any of these things important?  No, not at all.  But I sure miss those perfect scrambled eggs.

What did he do better than you can do?