Fears

After Lane first died I started to feel anxious and fearful.  All of a sudden being alone in the car at night or coming into a dark empty house frightened me. I had done both many times when he was alive but after he was gone I was afraid.

I conquered most of my rational fears but I must admit that I am still fearful.  I worry that if I have to take a  bunch of medical tests someday I will have to go alone. Then I'll have to wait for the results without anyone telling me it's going to be okay.

I am afraid that when I retire I will become some sort of recluse.  Maybe not an unkempt hermit but not very social either.  Works keeps me out there and talking with people is a big part of my job.  Pushing myself to socialize is hard for me.  So when retirement comes I fear that I will take the path of least resistance.

Of course a big fear is growing old without anyone to grow old with.  I know it isn't easy because I have been doing it for the last 4 years.

On the positive side I'm not afraid of dying.  On the negative side I fear living too long.

What your fears?

Conversation Part 2

In last week's blog I talked about what I would say to my husband if I had the chance. After I published that entry I began to think about what I wouldn't tell Lane.

I don't think I would mention that after all the money we spent remodeling the living room I never sit in there.  My usual routine is dinner in the kitchen around 7:00 and then upstairs to read or watch television. I don't think Lane would be happy with me if he knew how much time I spent laying around in bed.

I'd take a pass on telling him that I got rid of his cap collection and the file drawers full of maps. Would be hesitant to mention that I am no longer the proud owner of 150 Dixie cups filled with assorted nails and screws.

I would never tell him how disappointed Molly is that he will never get to know her son. That would be way too hard for him to handle.

And it might freak him out if he knew that I still had his ashes in the office. I would definitely keep tidbit of information to myself.

So if you given the opportunity to talk to your husband, what would you not tell him?

Conversation

If I had a chance to talk to Lane again, what would I say?  The obvious stuff like I love you, I miss you, I'm doing okay, or come and get me all seem like sensible things to say to a dead person.

I would want him to know that the kids are doing well and so are the grandsons. His sister is hanging in there, too.

I could talk shop.  Tell him that business is good but the office is very lonely without him.  He would laugh if I told him that our landlord got divorced for the 4th time.

I could tell him that I finally got the stainless steel banister made and installed. And I took his advice and plant more perennials than annuals now.  Let's not forget he would want to know how the Bears look this season.

I guess if I had the opportunity to have a conversation with Lane again what I would say would depend on the day.  Some days I feel pretty good and chatty, other days I am still sad and angry.  Today all I would say is life is not much fun without you.

What would your conversation with your husband be like?

It's not contagious

I have been talking to widows about being dumped by old friends after their husbands died.  Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?

One widow had a long time friend who avoided her calls for over a year. She finally gave and stopped calling. Almost 5 years later the widow still felt hurt and abandoned by someone she had considered one of her best friends.

I know a widow who was dropped by her couples club friends until she got a boyfriend.  Then she and the new guy were welcomed back into the fold.

I have members of my own family who have never looked at this blog telling me that they didn't want to think what life would be like if their husbands died. I don't want my fate to be their fate.  All I wanted was a little support.

I have heard this lament over the years by so many women.  So called close friends have chosen to drop them from their circle rather than deal with the fact the we are alone.  Some of the "droppers" have told me that widows are too depressing to talk to.  We are either too sad or too emotional for some friends and family to deal with.

But I think the real issue is they can't handle the idea that they might become widows someday. By the grace of God and all that.  My response to these droppers is widowhood may be a disease (feel sick, tired and achy) but it's not contagious.

Have you had any friends let you down?

Whatever helps

After Lane died I couldn't stop crying.  I had crying jags throughout the day.  I felt empty, scared and so alone.  I tried a lot of things to dull the pain.

Food and wine were my go to home remedies.  Honestly, both made me feel better.  Food was comforting and wine was mind numbing so the combination helped me get through the first couple of months.  But in the end I had gained weight and felt lousy so I looked at other alternatives.

Exercising seemed like a healthy choice to calm my nerves and pick up my spirits.  Again some relief.  After all it is too dangerous to cry and ride a bike at the same time.

Finally, my doctor suggested that I try an anti-depressant.  A mild dose once a day did take the edge off and lessened my anxiety.  It didn't make me feel good but it made me feel less bad.

Some days I used shopping as a way to feel better.  Working helped too.

But we all know that there is no quick fix for widows.  The pain, the loneliness, the fear and yes the tears are all part of the package.  Time does help but believe me it won't heal this wound.

What are you doing to get through the day or night?