Group grief counseling

About four months after Lane died I joined a support group. I didn't know what to expect.  As I entered the room that first night I saw ten women all looking like deer caught in headlights. All of us were nervous.

As we went around the table and introduced ourselves I wondered if this was what they do at AA meetings.  Anyway, some women cried when they talked about their husbands.  Others were mad at how they were being treated by family and friends. We found out that our counselor (who was in her late 60's) was book smart about grief but since she still had her husband (and parents) she really didn't relate to us all that well.

After a couple of meetings I began to really like these women.  We started having dinner before the session and talked about all of the practical issues (finances, kids, giving away his stuff, etc.) we were facing.  We began to rely on each other for support and comfort.  And sometimes just for fun.

Well after the 10 weeks of counseling was over some us continued to get together every month or so for dinner.  But life moves on and so did my support group.  Now I only keep in touch with a couple of the women and our dinners together are much less frequent.

Usually I don't give advice on this blog. But if you are having a difficult time I say join a widows' support group.  You will meet women who truly understand what you are going through.  No it's not a cure for loneliness but it helps to talk to others with the same "disease."

Any experiences with a support group you want to share?

Are lonesome tonight?

Last night was a beautiful spring night.  Warm breeze, fragrant flowers and me.  I was sitting out on my patio and suddenly I became incredibly lonely.  It got me thinking about what triggers those feelings of loneliness and despair.

Going to a wedding or a reunion could make any widow feel lonely and sad.  Having couples over for dinner certainly reinforces the fact that I am no longer a pair.

But for me it's all the little things that trigger my loneliness.  Certain songs on the radio, a hard to open jar, seeing his handwriting on an old note, catching a glimpse of a yellow Jeep Wrangler on the road.  Or, just sitting on my patio alone.  For sure it's the little things that make me miss Lane the most.

What triggers your feelings of loneliness?

Advice?

I don't know why people think women go brain dead after their husbands die.  Never in my life have I been given so much advice.  Sure, most people mean well but for heavens sake please think before you speak.  Here are a few bits of friendly advice I have received in the past few years.

1.   If you're lonely get a pet.
2.   Volunteer.  That will take your mind off yourself.
3.   Sell your house.  It's too big for just you.
4.   Start dating.  You'll never meet anyone staying a home.
5.   Take off your wedding rings.  That's your past.
6.   It's time to move on.  

Now all these "suggestions" may be true pearls of wisdom but guess what,  I am a big girl and am capable of making my own decisions.  In other words:

1.   I don't want a pet.
2.   When I volunteer it's to help others not myself.
3.   I like my house and I don't want to move.
4.   Date who?
5.   No.
6.   Easier said than done.

What advice has your family and friends graciously bestowed upon you?

His domain

The basement was his domain.  He set up an office where he could do his artwork, read and listen to classical music.  And he built a workshop for all of his tools and a million screws and nails.  Lane loved having a private area in the house where he could be alone and do his own thing.  I never tried to clean it or organize it.  Until now.

Lane didn't care about clothes so giving them away was no big deal.  Even selling his car seemed much less personal than disturbing his tools or paints.  But everything is dusty and needs to be cleaned and organized, after all it has been 4 years.  Yet I can't seem to make any headway.

Lane and I had a theory that as long as the kids had stuff in the basement they weren't really out of the house.  So maybe that's why I am having such a tough time cleaning out Lane's things from the basement.  If I take away all of his stuff it just reinforces the fact I still have a hard time facing -- he's out of the house for good.

What do you have a hard time dealing with?

A male friend

I must admit that since Lane died I have spent more time socializing with women than I ever have.  While I enjoy the company of my female friends, I must confess when I spend time with my good friend Dave it's different.

Dave and I worked together 20 years ago and have always kept in casual contact.  He knew Lane.  I knew his ex-wife.  He and I are just friends.  No privileges.  No strings.

So why do I think spending time with a man is different than girl time?  I'm not sure.  Maybe it's because having a man to help me make dinner or go to movie reminds me of my life with Lane.  Perhaps I like to hear a man's point of view on how to fix up the yard or my new haircut.  Or, just having a man around me once in awhile makes me feel safe. 

Whatever the reason, it is nice to have a male friend.  And it definitely is different.  Agree or disagree?