All the things we miss now that our husbands are gone.

I miss my husband. I miss doing the little things together like grocery shopping, fixing dinner and going to the gym.  I miss sharing the important moments, the birth of our new grandson and holidays.

And I miss the wine.  We didn't go out much but when we did we always ordered a really nice bottle of wine.  It was our thing.  It was fun, a little naughty and our shared indulgence.

Now that my usual dinner companions are women ordering an expensive bottle of wine is out of the question. They just aren't interested. So we order the house red or white by the glass.  It's fine.  It keeps it friendly.  But I still miss that excitement of tasting a really nice wine.

My friend Esta, who I have known since junior high, is the exception to the rule.  She lost her husband about 5 years ago.  Esta and Gary studied wine, collected wine and drank a lot of it.  Unfortunately for me, Esta lives on the West Coast so we don't get to see each very often.  But when we do we always order a good bottle of wine at dinner and toast "To the boys we loved.  And who would love sharing this wine with us tonight."

What do you miss now that your husband is gone?

Crazy Days

I had a crazy day on Saturday.  The kind of a day when you miss him and your old life so much you can't take it.  Some women cope can with these feelings in a composed and dignified way.  Not me. I give into my craziness.

Screaming like a madwoman helps.  Yelling at God.  Screaming at Lane's picture and calling him a liar because he said he would never leave me. 

Another great move for me on a crazy day is to drive to all of the places where we lived and sit in the car watching the building.  I actually feel quite insane stalking a house or an old apartment. But for some inexplicable reason after a couple of stops I feel better.

I know on a crazy day food is not my friend.  I must admit that a gooey cheese and a box of Triscuits does calm the crazies. Chocolate and a couple of glasses of wine don't hurt either.

When I was having a tough day or anticipating one Lane used to say "It's only one day.  Just get through it." That's what I try to do on a crazy day.  After three years the crazy days come less often. But when they do and I feel like I am going to explode, I just try and remember it's just one day.  And I get through it the best way I can.

What do you do on a crazy day?

Sudden loss vs. an expected death

I know what you are thinking.  A sudden death is always much better than a slow painful lingering death.  It certainly is for the one who dies.  My husband Lane died suddenly, painlessly and exactly the way he would have wanted to die.  But for me, the wife, it's not that cut and dry.

I never got to take care of him.  In life he hardly ever got sick and if he did he didn't like to be fussed over.  But he fussed over me in sickness and in health.  For example, every morning he brought me coffee in bed, chauffeured me around, cut my bangs and made sure my water bottle was clean and full when we went bike riding.  He always had my back.

Of course I am glad that Lane didn't suffer.  He died like all us hope to.  But I never got to really take of him.  I feel guilty about that.  I never got to prove to him no matter what I had his back too.

So which is better?  Let me know what you think.