Monday, September 13, 2010

Dreams

I've never been a great sleeper.  I'm not much of a dreamer either.  Or at least I can't remember my dreams when I wake up. Once in awhile I have anxiety dreams. You know the dream when you show up at work and suddenly realize you're naked.  In college I had a reoccurring dream that I was tumbling down a steep hill and couldn't stop my fall.  Of course it was the late '60's and I did my share of partying.

After Lane died I never dreamed about him.  I wanted to but it just never happened.  I thought it would be comforting to "see him" and experience a moment with him again.

Then all of a sudden the dreams began.  And for the past 2 years I keep dreaming the same plot with different scenarios.  Lane isn't dead in these dreams he just doesn't want to be with me.  In some dreams he lives by himself or in another city.  He has his own life and it doesn't include me.  I see him but we never speak or make eye contact.  I don't matter in his world.



Sometimes I wake up startled and have to remember he is dead.  Other times I am able to tell myself it's only a dream and he isn't avoiding me.  He is just dead and gone.  In either case the dream is pretty unsettling.  I'm not a psychiatrist so I have no idea how to interpret this dream.  And that's probably a good thing.

Are you having any weird dreams?

77 comments:

  1. Sue, I am 53 yrs. old and lost my husband two years ago and experience the same kind of dreams. A lot of my dreams are that we are somewhere and he keeps leaving me and I can't find him, but I have also had dreams were he is not intested and very different toward me than he was in life. I agree it is very disturbing. I also don't really know what it means. I think it has to do with wanting to be with and talk to him and not being able to. Happy to know I am not alone.

    Lori L.

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    1. Sue, i have the same goddamn dream as urs ... its exactly the same. its about my dead husband and in my dreams he is alive and doesn't want to be with me at all . he is completely in a different world.. has to have some meaning in this ?

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    2. My husband died of a brain aneurysm over 20 years ago (I was 27 and he was 37, we had been married for only 5 weeks). I have been having the same recurring dream for years: he is still alive, but I can't find him or if I find him or he comes to me - he wants nothing to do with me. I wake with a very clear memory of the dream and feel distraught through the following day. These dreams have been recurring for over 10 years. I had no dreams for years after he died, then these disturbing dreams began and they don't stop. Interesting to find that other widows share the same dream. Wishing for a meaning to these dreams - are they a form of communication?

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    3. I am glad to know others have a dream of rejection. In my dreams my husband tells me he has found the woman of his dreams, and I mean nothing to him. Sometimes I dream that he faked his death and he comes back to humiliate me by letting everyone know he didn't love me. The real shame of his dream behavior is on him, not me. But it is still awful for me. I want to accomplish something to put him in the past, as though he is nothing more than an old forgotten boyfriend.

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    4. I lost my husband close to 2 years ago to cancer, he was only 36. I too have had these dreams and have been searching online to see if anyone else has experienced them. I just had another one last night, where he leaves me without a reason, and I am left in a desperate hope trying to find him to reconcile and find out why. If I do see him, he ignores me and wants nothing to do with me. One time, some random woman appeared with him, as if she was his new lover. It was so disturbing, that I was actually relieved when I woke up knowing that he is deceased and the dream wasn't real. I feel so sad for a couple days after having these dreams.

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    5. My husband died 3 yrs ago, we were married for 50 yrs and he died two weeks later. My
      "nightmare" dreams is he always comes to me to tell me he never loved me and has someone younger and his face is so full of hate when he's telling me. This is going on now 3 weeks straight and it seems to be a continuation every night. I don't want to go to bed cause I know he will be in my dream again. I'm so glad there are other widows having the same as me cause I thought I was the only one.

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    6. Dear Anonymous, I think some of the terrible dreams we have during our time adjusting to the death of our loved one is the pain inside us trying to come out. They dont seem to make any since but I put it down as my body working it out the best way it can while I sleep. If the same dream keeps coming back I would go and get some help working it out so I can begin to heal some more. M

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  2. Sue, I am 53 yrs. old and lost my husband suddenly two yrs. ago. I also experience similar dreams where my husband is at a place with me but keeps leaving me and I can't find him and I continue to search for him and then find him and he is distant with me very not like he was in life. I agree it is very disturbing. I also wake up and realize that he is no longer here.

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  3. Sue,
    I am 53 years old and I lost my husband 5 months ago and I pray and hope for the day I dream of him. So far no dreams and like you I just want to feel him one last time, or be with him even in a dream one last time but not yet. I don't know what the dreams mean sometimes I spend alot of time figuring what dreams mean but I don't know. I do know I have had some very vivid dreams of my dad who passed away 5 years ago and they have been reassuring to me. I want to experience that feeling with Tom.

    Sue C.

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  4. My husband has been gone for over 5 months now. About two months after my husband died, I started having dreams of other men, but not my husband. This bothered me terribly at first until I realized that even though it was not very likely that I would ever be with these men, since they were alive it was more realistic than being with my husband again in this world. And so I think that it was easier for me to fantasize about a man who is alive than it is for me to face the pain that I will never be able to be intimate with my husband again....I think the dreams you are all experiencing are your mind's way of sorting out that your soul mate is dead and no longer with you in physical form. It is easier to think of him as ignoring you but still alive, or easier to see him as distant but still on this earth, than it is to face that he is no longer here with you. Your husband is "lost" in these dreams, Lori. We often refer to death in terms such as "I lost my husband" Dreams are fascinating to me. Usually when I have a scary or disturbing one I wonder what it is that I am not facing or what the dream is trying to tell me. I hope this helps. --jaydee

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  5. I'm sure I dream, but I don't remember them very often. I did have a dream about Fred after he passed, it was pretty weird.

    We lost a very good friend of ours eight months before Fred died, his name was Frank and he died very suddenly of a heart attack. It was very traumatic for both of us.

    About four months after Fred died I had this dream where there was a party going on. There was a knock at the door and someone said I was wanted at the door. When I went to the door, Frank was standing there with Fred. They came in to the party, but all the other people were gone, Frank said they couldn't stay long because Fred had not got his legs yet. We then went outside because they had to leave and we had to get Fred back in his coffin. Fred didn't want to go in the coffin, so a yellow school bus pulled up and they got on the bus and I woke up.
    Fred was a school bus driver before he passed away.
    Now that I've wrote this down it dosen't seem so weird, maybe in his other life he's still driving that school bus, he loved his job and maybe it was his way of telling me he's OK.

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  6. Ever since David died I have wished for a dream where he comes to me and lets me know it's OK for me to move on, but that has never happened. The only dreams of him I've had are sexual in nature and only make me miss him more.

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  7. My husband died nearly 5 months ago, this past April, of a sudden heart attack. I wanted so badly to dream of him, but didn't. Then, when I stopped trying so hard to dream of him, it happened. I keep having the dream where he tells me "See...I'm here, I'm not dead!" Then he hugs me and kisses me deeply and lovingly. It seem so real! I also have been really curious about the previous heart attacks that the medical examiner said he had (3). I wanted to ask him sooooo bad if he felt those, or if they were silent and not that painful. Well, in my dream he told me....NO, I did NOT know I had any heart attacks. I thought it was neat that I had that dream. Sort of closure for me. It was so real....like he was there and each one seems so real. I wonder if God sends those dreams to me to comfort me, and to let Eric back into my life in that way. I kind of like to think so...that he is really there in those dreams. Kind of wierd? I don't know...but I know those dreams seem so real. He was a great husband for 25 years. Our 26th anniversary would have been Sept. 1. THAT was a hard day...but my husbands family too real good care of me. They have really been there for me and I know Eric would be so happy that they are surrounding me with their love.

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  8. Dreams? I'd settle for just sleeping through the night! It's 16 months and I'm still not sleeping. I've been told this is not unusual, but that doesn't do much for my walking into walls.
    And no, I've not dreamed of Steve at all. Part of my wants to, part does not. And I hear that's pretty much normal, too.

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  9. Came across this blog "by accident". I am 48 and my husband of 25 years passed away one year ago (2 weeks after my father died...).
    I've had some really weird dreams over the past year, but if I had to pick one, it would be this (I'm going to make it short, so some details will be left out): I'm walking along the street and come to a gate. I see a giant poster of him, and then see him standing by the gate. I go up to him and tell him that he is dead and he says, not really, but don't tell anyone. We spend some time together and then, I am so filled with happy confusion that I go and tell his mother that I saw him. She starts to scream that I am crazy, so I run back to the gate and he is standing there, angry and says, why don't you ever listen to what I say? You can't tell anyone, this is just between you and me......

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  10. To Kay:

    Your husband will give you some type of message to go on. Mine never said a word in a dream just waved good bye. You are pushing too hard it is ok to hold on to the feeling of him physically, treasure whatever dream you have of him.

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  11. My husband just died on september 1, 2010. I recently dreamed that he told me that he was not dead just a mistake. I do not know what is normal anymore. I was married to my husband for 23 years and the only comfort I get is to think that I will one day die and be with him

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    1. Dear Anonymous,

      My husband died almost 7 years ago, and I had almost the same dream, in it he told me that he was still alive, that they made a mistake. He said that he was very much alive. I still expect to see him.

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  12. I have had several dreams where my husband keeps saying....."See, I am not dead...I am right here." Then he hugs and kisses me. Maybe it is real....in my heart I know he is NOT really dead, probably more alive than he ever was, because he is in heaven!

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  13. To anonymous above.... my husband died Sept. 6, 2009.... Words seem meanlingless now, but I do understand how you feel. I had similar dreams - see the one above about the "poster". Someone told me that when we dream about our husbands and that their death was a "mistake", it is our subconcious trying to come to terms with the facts. Don't look for "Normal" just yet... nothing is normal about our situation. The fact that the sun shines in the morning isn't normal anymore.
    This will change and comfort will come.

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  14. My heart hurts for all of you. I lost my husband of 39 years less than 3 months ago. I wanted to "see" him or dream of him and didn't until 2 nights ago. Someone came to tell me he had been in a wreck and I ran the whole way there. He wasn't there and some people told me it was a black truck, not red, like he had. He died from a genetic disorder not any accident...so I really don't know what it means. I miss him so much....

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  15. With age comes wisdom. . . .I understand now how one dies of a broken heart! My grandparents were married for over 50 years. After a long battle with cancer, my grandfather passed away. On the very day of his funeral, my grandmother had a major stroke, and died months later. I always had the opinion it was a suicide of sorts, and selfish act. Now here I am, 30 some years later. . . experiencing the grief of losing my own husband. Obviously, I have a different prospective now. Not sure how to go on or even if I want to go on.

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  16. My fiance died 6 weeks before our wedding 25 years ago. I dream of him all the time and only one dream was normal of him knowing me and talking to me. The others have been that he doesn't speak to me and wants nothing to do with me or he has amnesia and doesn't even remember me.

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  17. It's been 7 1/2 years. I don't cry everyday anymore, but some days are still very hard and I cry without end. I miss him terribly. I have a good support system - friends and family. I feel I should be able to let go, be healed more. I too have dreams and he's leaving me and I can't make him stay. They're such powerful emotional triggers. They take me back to the beginning of my grief journey. I want the journey to end but don't want to lose him forever. I want happier dreams.

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  18. My husband died 9/25/11. Im only 33 years old. We have two beautiful little girls together. I miss him to know end. i think about him all day everyday. i cry everyday still. I want to dream of him so bad, I had one dream when he left, but it was only him walking by me, I didnt even get to see his face. Both my girls came to me here recently, & told me they both had dreams of their daddy, one daughter, said they talked for hours on end, the youngest daughter dreamed that her daddy & uncle bought her lunch to school, but daddy didnt talk to her in her dream, he stood back, but she hugged him. Me I want to dream of him so bad, see he committed sucide is this why I dont dream of him, where is he, is he ok...I need answers!! Please

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  19. I just turned 31 years old and my husband died 17 months ago. We would of been married.for 10 years this month. We have 3 great children that are 7, 9 and 10. In January 2010 I received the dreaded call that my husband had gotten in a car accident and was gone. It was the worst day of my life. For the first few months after he died I couldnt wrap my mind around the fact that he had actually died. I couldnt eat, sleep.....I couldnt exist in a world without him. It took me a good lecture from my mom to realize that my children needed me. I was all they had now and I had to be there for them. My oldest daughter would talk about him often and told me she had dreams about him telling her he loves her and to tell mommyhe will come talk to me soon. My mom has even had dreams about him where she says he looks so happy. I have not had any dreams about him and I want to so badly. I want to see him and talk to him so much.

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  20. I lost my husband of 18 years about 19 months ago. It was a very tragic loss for us. We had been together since I was 14 and he was 16. He was 40 when passed away and I just turned 40. I have not had hardly any dreams and for the first year + I prayed EVERY night that I would. The past few nights, I have had strange dreams about him leaving, and not in good situations. Divorcing me.... CRAZY! Him in jail ~ evern crazier. I have to say that he died in a drunken moment of suicide. Very drunk, very down on himself and it was truly a moment of him feeling horrible about himself. We have two children and he was the best dad. I find myself asking if this is his way of saying ~ I was not perfect and I am sorry???? I don't know what to think of it and it is very disturbing to me. I have read the above comments and see this to be similar. Perhaps it's their way of making us look at things in a different light and trying to give us peace that they are gone, but not because they truly wanted to be, or because of anything WE did. I don't know, but this was nice to read. I honestly wish I could just have some sort of epiphany. That would help so much. We had the kind of marriage and relationship that most people read about it; but it was definitely so hard at times because of alcohol abuse. Which, in the end ~ truly killed him. Thank you for this ~ not sure why, but at least I don't feel so alone now.

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  21. Well, I am glad I found this forum. I have been widowed for 13 years and have a recurring dream that my late husband is still alive, but is living far away and wants nothing to do with me. I keep calling his relatives, and they are polite but I can tell their patience is thinning as they say "We'll tell him you called, but no we can't give you his number, etc..." Sometimes in the dream he still has cancer (that was his cause of death) and I am trying to find out how he is and am worried about him. I have this dream at least twice a week, and they have not stopped despite the fact that I recently got engaged and am to marry in May. I am truly happy about my new love, but the dream remains.

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  22. My boyfriend passed away seven months ago while i was pregnant with our son. I had a few dreams that he called said he was alive other dreams we were mad at each other and after having my son recently I drempt he and I were together but I knew he only had a little time left. . We made love and he was very jealous of everyone. . Last dream he was dead and we made love. I think the dreams where they move or stuff like that I think they want us to let go.be happy and move on. My sister drempt he was happy and living through our son. I miss him so much

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  23. My soul mate, husband, best friend love of my life Stephen, passed away March 1 of 2009. Almost four years ago, of suicide. I felt like I gave myself all the time I needed to heal. However here I am four years later and I still have the same reoccuring dreams. In every one he is still alive, and I find him and his mom is typically in the dream like she is hiding at his house or staying there. (big blow up with his mom since he has passed)In all the dreams its like he has just been hiding or something and was always around. Boy would I love to see that be true. some dreams its as if he just doesnt want to be with me anymore but thats seldom. We always end up back together. I am grateful to find this forum and that I am not alone in this. When I tell my oldest child 23 he says maybe I need a pschycologist that maybe its not good if I dream of him every single night etc. Hugs vette

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  24. Dear Vette,
    I am only going on three months being a widow, but all the ladies here will tell you each person is different in their grieving and it will take as long as it takes.
    Small comfort when it is human nature to put an estimated time of arrival on everything.
    The only experience with suicide that I have
    is that my younger brother chose it.
    It was hard to accept that he chose suicide, but HE did, nobody else.
    Please keep coming here....read and type.....
    Each person here has been going through the process of loss and finding the way back.
    HUGS

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  25. I lost my husband 13 weeks ago after he was first diagnosed with cancer in 2006, but really struggled with a recurrence since Sept 2011. I loved him with every fiber of my being. We were married 34 years and I so wish I could dream of him. That's how I found this .... I googled I want to dream about my dead husband....but I would be devastated if it were that he didn't want to be with me any longer. If he would come to me at night, it would be easier to get through the days....and the years ahead.

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  26. Different from most of you, I lost my best friend aka EX-husband a mere 5 months ago after being sick for a very short 2 months, diagnosis to death. I am not a "dreamer", can't remember dreams unless it was a bad one which I think we all have periodically. Recently I've had several dreams in which he and I are together with the same child, our youngest. We often are in a car with me talking of applying for a new job, my child wanting to drive and my ex talking about waiting. Eventually I am left on the side of the road as they drive away. In the moment, my ex comes running, smiling up to me. We put our arms around each other as we walk away together. He's happy, healthy, I can see that but is he coming back for me?

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    1. Dear Anonymous May 17th at 11:43 PM,
      Not So different hon....Bob was diagnosed with Cancer October of 2012 and died violently on Dec.5th 2012.
      We all miss our honeys and we're all trying to find the road through the mud, rocks and many other obstacles.
      HUGS

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  27. I lost my husband a little over 2 years ago.We were together for 16 years and married for 11 years. He was my best friend and soul mate and the love of my life. I had not had any dreams of him until just recently. The dreams are random and always different scenarios, but the only thing that stays the same is that I am watching him from a distance. He sees me and we make eye contact a few times, but we never talk. And it always seems like I am trying to reach him, but I never do. These dreams are quite confusing. I always end up missing him and feeling depressed. He past so sudden. We were the same age. I am 37 now. I wish I could understand these dreams of him. My son dreams of him. He dreams about conversations with his father. I never get those dreams. I must admit. I am a little jealous of my son having more vivid dreams of his father. I am trying to move on with my life. I find it hard when I dream of my late. I take 2 steps forward. And after a dream of him. I am pushed 20 steps back.

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    1. Dear Hillary,
      You, being an adult, woman, honey's wife, hurting unit, have different dreams from any other person, dreams like that would make a person feel like the only one.People never get together planning the end.
      Our relationship wasn't always without conflict, but it was my life and I resent having no say in it being torn so violently from me. I don't have a child from my husband that passed, I sometimes wish I did, but things are what they are. If I did, I know that I would have to remind myself every moment that BOTH of us were grieving, he's missing his Dad horribly ( not even close to an adequate word)You're missing your husband and he/she is missing their Father and you are BOTH missing your lives WITH him.If I had a child with him I would have to constantly guard myself against dumping my grief on him, but I would try to participate with him/her in theirs. It all sounds good, actually doing it? not sure how I'd do.
      I totally 'get' the two steps forward and twenty steps back. I don't know if this will help you, I'm still not sure it's helping me.
      Consider each time that perhaps the reason that you go back twenty steps is because there are some crucial steps to true progress that was missed and a person has to go back that far to fix it. Just be careful not to take the first thing that comes along and put it there.
      These are just things I try and some I keep and some I throw away, but I TRY more each day to leave it at Jesus feet. I apologize to you if your belief system does not include him, it is not meant in disrespect, it's just where my head is at.
      I am sending a box full of hope, calm and peace to each lady here. My day is just beginning here, so I guess I'm still transitioning from a person attempting to start the day as a positive person then attempt to push myself out into an anxiety riddled world and hope that wherever I end up today is better than the place I was at yesterday.
      HUGS

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  28. I lost my husband a little over 2 years ago.We were together for 16 years and married for 11 years. He was my best friend and soul mate and the love of my life. I had not had any dreams of him until just recently. The dreams are random and always different scenarios, but the only thing that stays the same is that I am watching him from a distance. He sees me and we make eye contact a few times, but we never talk. And it always seems like I am trying to reach him, but I never do. These dreams are quite confusing. I always end up missing him and feeling depressed. He past so sudden. We were the same age. I am 37 now. I wish I could understand these dreams of him. My son dreams of him. He dreams about conversations with his father. I never get those dreams. I must admit. I am a little jealous of my son having more vivid dreams of his father. I am trying to move on with my life. I find it hard when I dream of my late. I take 2 steps forward. And after a dream of him. I am pushed 20 steps back.

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  29. Today in Atlanta is exactly like my mood, dark, grey and totally depressing. I know I will never be the same since I lost my best friend and soul mate of 15 years. I have a strange feeling like a lump in my heart and I know it is because my heart is broken and I feel so alone. I rarely have a visitor anymore after 5 months of my loss and people justgo on with their lives like I am probably "over it" by now. No, I am not over it and will never be. It is so hard to make every decision and choice on my own without an opion from the one who loved me and cared about me the most. I find I am resentful of people, including two of my kids, who go on and never worry about me or me being alone of the week-ends. I always said, "Life isn't easy" and now I believe it more than ever. I do have a close relationship with God and that helps. Thank you God, for helping me find this site so now I know I am not alone in these feelings. May we all find peace and happiness one day.

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    1. My husband passed in February. I know how you feel. Weather on the southern east coast has been horrible this year. So many grey days. Even the summer hasn't been great here. It really affects my mood. People do disappear (if they ever appeared to begin with) because they do believe we should be moving past it. I am like you, I will NEVER be over it.

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  30. Lonely in GeorgiaMay 21, 2013 at 1:04 PM

    Hi Everyone,

    I have dreams of my husband but in them he is not dead we are talking and laughing and then somehow he goes home or somewhere and I call his cellphone and he doesn't answer. Then I'm looking for him in the dream but something always happen in the dream before it ends that reminds me he is dead. It's like in the dreams I forgot he is gone. I awake with panic attacks and missing my hubby.

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  31. My husband passed away in 1998. I was 31 and he was 36. I have since re married and had another child with my new husband. I often have a dream my deceased husband has been living a secret life without me in hiding. I dream that I don't know what to do about my new husband...like I have to choose

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    1. I hope you are able to choose your present husband without hesitation or regret. I hope I will eventually look at my dead husband with the same insignificance of a high school or college boyfriend. However, that is probably unrealistic. I was involved in our family business, which was taken away after his death. I hope I can build a new life of accomplishment without him. At age 59, I am probably facing 20 years on earth, and the thought of not being useful, is horribly depressing.

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    2. Hi, like you, my husband has been gone now for 26 years leaving me with 2 girls. I remarried and have been married now for 21 years and we have had a son together, but I have had years of dreams, never thinking to get on the computer to see if other widows also have dreams. My dream seems to be he hasn't died at all and that he has had amnesia and all of a sudden I am faced with choosing between the two of them. I had a dream last night and woke to thinking that it was my 1st husband that I was sleeping with. It too seemed so real. I guess the only consolation is that they both have the same name ... so if I did call his name it would have seemed out of place. The dreams nonetheless still make me feel so sad.

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    3. I had a dream just like yours last night.. I lost my husband 12 years ago to cancer.. Our youngest was only 2 months old.. My son was 4 and my oldest was 6.. I just recently started seeing someone.. And in my dream my new boyfriend and i are living together when my husband shows up.. He had no clue 12 years has past.. He is so confused and so am i.. Im faced to choose between them i love them both.. My kids are so excited to have there dad back.. I woke up so confused it seemed so real

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  32. Like. All of you I lost my husbaXnd. 5 months ago we were together for 28. Years I dream. Of him. And he tells me he isn't. Dead. I'm screaming. Out his. Name and tell him you are we had your funeral. I miss and love him for ever and the only comfort I have is knowing one day I will die. And be with him I hope there really is a heaven. I will always love and miss him. Forever. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life face the future with out him

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    1. I had the same dream almost, I dreamed Ron came back. He told me he was so sick, they, the doctors I guess, took him somewhere to "fix" him. I kept asking him "who did I cremate?" over and over and he would just smile at me and say "it wasn't me" It's after I wake up that I scream and cry.

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  33. i lost the love of my life a month ago and i just started having dreams of him but i can never get to him it seems like im looking all night for him i no he is there but i cant reach him i just wish i new what this meant i know he loved me more than life itself so i no he would want to be with me i would love to no why i cant get to him in my dreams i miss him so very much we were togethor for 14 yrs and im only 38 it feels like this hurt is never going to go away we have a 10 yr old and he doesnt talk about him to much he says he dont want to cry just so frustrated

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  34. I found this site through looking for a dream meaning. My husband passed 5 and a half years ago and I rarely dream about him. But I've had numerous dreams where I've mislaid my handbag, left it somewhere etc. I always find it. Last night was another one but this time he was in the dream. Sites I've looked at suggest lost purses mean lost identity, transitions etc all of which make sense to a widow. I just wish I knew what I'm supposed to do with the knowledge.

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  35. This is one I can identify with, have had numberous dreams about lost purse,keys cannot find way home, etc.

    HAPPY JULY 4TH TO ALL OF YOU!!!!

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  36. Dear Anonymous July 3rd,
    There are so many different ways to interpret dreams. The one you suggested obviously makes sense to you, it makes sense to me. As a widow you know how you feel, it is probably be the interpretation I would consider, just don't jump the gun as to what the transition is if you can help it. I know that sometimes circumstances can make one thing look like just the right fit, but not always what is best. I hope this makes some sort of sense to you.
    HUGS

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  37. Thanks for the replies and Cec, yes I agree. I'd been married nearly 40 years (4o years of first dates as a friend put it). I'm glad to be on this site where "transitions" aren't interpreted as 6 months, 12 months or whenever we're supposed to be "over it." We may never be. As a support group I belonged to said, "You don't get over it, you get through it." My best to all on this difficult journey.

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    1. My husband died almost four years ago. We were married 33 years and had two children. We worked together in a family business, which was taken away from me, six months after his death. It was a bitterly cruel happenstance. I think that if I can accomplish a successful work life, without him, that I can move on. With a life expectancy of 20 years left, I feel like I have to prove to myself that I am worth something. The thought of sitting around using resources and space is horrifying.

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  38. Thank you, Sue, for creating this forum...Widows are such a misunderstood lot. Everyone just expects us to 'move on'... Put on a brave face when it would be so much easier to don a black veil and long dress, and just scream and pull your hair out as you walk the village streets. Other cultures get mourning...America does not. It has been three years since my husband died of cancer, and I am still not sure why I am still here, try as I do to carry on...Time has helped heal the hole in my heart, but it is still so hard. I have also pleaded with God to let my husband visit me, and tell me he is ok. The first year I had one dream, which even I can't understand but it was so vivid, like a movie and I still can recall it clearly...weird as it is: I was walking along the docks in Beirut (Never been there!) wearing only a black bathing suit and carrying a bag of Doritos. (Totally not me - and not wise in an Arab country to say the least...) I was trying desperately to get a cab to meet my husband at our hotel, but had no money, only this bag of Doritos. It turned out we were registered at three hotels, and when I finally found him, he became lost in a crowd, and kept waving, but disappearing from my sight. So I only faintly saw him, but always at a distance, and not making any attempt to come to me. Jump ahead three years to last month. I had been very ill and needed to lie down. So I lay in the place where he always took his naps in the afternoon, and fell immediately into a deep sleep. I woke up suddenly to the sound that he always made when he took off his belt - a clanking of the belt buckle in a distinctive way I haven't heard in years. I remember saying aloud, He's here! But when I looked around, he wasn't...I feel back to sleep and he was lying next to me, and I could see only his arm and shoulder, but I felt him hold me. It was simply the most peaceful feeling I have had since his passing. I felt a great calm for many days after that...This happened on the eve of the third anniversary of his death. I think dreams are many things. Sometimes they are just brain overload: a scramble of all the odd unfinished thoughts and happenings we have taken in from our own life, and the world around us, that all come bubbling up together in sleep. They release all our sorrows and fears of not being loved, or being abandoned, or whatever guilt we carry inside...But I also think they can be a portal for our loved ones to find a way to let us know they are still with us...I believe we should always ask our loved onew to visit us in our dreams, or give us a sign, but that it is hard for them to come through. Bad dreams, or those where we feel rejected are unresolved anger and loss coming through. Grief from loss is like PTSD. It is real, it can kill you just as easily as cancer, and you must fight every day to reclaim your life...To honor those you loved, and yourself. It takes work to fight this terrible disease of grief. Find comfort in all that brought you joy...Carry on, my sisters in sorrow, you are amazing. ♥ Magnolia

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    1. To Magnolia,

      I am a widow of 4yrs.I understand, as my husband died of cancer also. He did chemo for 4 long yrs., suffering all the while from no quality of life.

      We are able to function and survive, but I, too wonder why I am here and for what further purpose?

      So, right people do want us to just magically adjust, not mourn.

      This country has the instant everything attitude and that applies to us losing our beloved. Other countries, to some degree do better with grieving widows?

      In fact, I have observed that no one wants to talk about death, way before it happens. It is as if death is not part of life? This is a Pollyanna attitude here.

      If we had a plan and an honest talk about what all to expect, many of us would not feel so lost with a bit of information, ahead as what to expect.


      Naturally one cannot totally prepare for a death. I tried to knowing he only had 4yrs. but still was shocked when it happened.

      My finding this site was like a lifeline, as I felt I was going crazy before hearing from others further on this horrible journey, at the time.

      Yes, so right it is work overcoming this sorrow and I feel I will never be over my beloved, but learn to live with it. The hole in my heart will be with me forever.

      Sending you a hug, prayer and strength,right now!

      You, sister widow are AMAZING with your insight!

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  39. Anon July 12, with your attitude, I doubt you'll be sitting still "using space". Sorry for the loss of your business, especially coming so soon after your husband died. Good for you looking ahead and seeing a life ahead for yourself. I hope you find your dream. Chris.

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  40. I have found comfort from this forum. I keep having the dreams of my late husband and he won't talk to me, won't make eye contact and is angry with me. This is so out of character from the husband that I knew. I feel better knowing that there are others that share this same odd dream.

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  41. It's nice to read just how normal these dreams are! I buried my husband on my 27th bithday and am nearly 33 today. He had substance abuse issues and after years of sobriety he relapsed and overdosed leaving behind myself and our 2 daughters who where 2 and 4. I used to have nice dreams of him. We would have adventures, intimate conversations or just make out like teens. When I would wake I would just wish I could dream some more. However, over the last year my dreams of him have become very angry and when I wake I feel emotionally raw for hours. In mine he comes home like nothing happened. He won't give me any explanation as to where he's been. I always yell at him for not calling or seeing the girls in all these years but the emotion that I feel is really anger that he didn't call ME. I feel a great sence of abandonmet I want him to tell me why he disappeared and where he was but he never does. He always seems unimpressed when I question him about who we buried and then I usually demand that he call his mother and brother. He never offers any excuses or apologies. My anger and frustration exculate till I wake up (usually teary eyed). I'm usually confused when I wake up and have to remind myself that it was a dream and he's dead and he's never coming home. So then I wake from anger into melancholy. I really felt like the hole where my heart was had finally scarred but then I have these dreams and it tears the gash open again.

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  42. My husband died four and a half years ago. I haven't had many dreams about him. Last night I dreamed he was angry at me and my daughter and wouldn't talk to us. I woke up really sad---argh.

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  43. My husband and I were in a car accident 11 years ago. He died at the hospital. He was my best friend, my confidant and my sweetheart. We had a strong marriage of 20 years. He always made me laugh. I miss him very much. He was 45 years old when he died. After 7 years i began having recurring dreams all of the same nature.
    One thing unusual, he is in his late 20's. He tells me he faked his death and wanted a divorce because he is in love with another woman. At first I was hurt, then I became so angry that he would do such a thing to all of our family and friends. He also wants our house and tells me I have to repay the life insurance back. I ask him why didn't just ask for a divorce. He doesn't answer that.
    This is not the man i was married to. They don't upset me any more, I would just like to know why I am having dreams like this after 11 years.
    I don't think we ever get over a persons death, rather we get use to the loss.


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  44. My husband and I were also in an accident and he died either in the ambulance or in the hospitable, 11 months ago. I dream about the accident all the time. I have also dreamt a few times that he was having an affair and was leaving me. The last time I woke up sobbing and so hurt and very angry with him. He was very cruel in the dream and laughed at me when I was crying and begging him to stay. The dream really up set me. Strangely enough I had had the same dream just before he died and I was so angry with him all day and he just laughed and hugged me and said he would never leave me. Leading up to his death I was very fearful of losing him but he just shrugged my fears off saying he had no intention of dying that everthing would be okay. I haven't dreamt of him for awhile now

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  45. A letter to heaven, I'm trying Hon. I miss you every minute of every day.
    We had at least 50 people in our life...there are just a few now.
    I sold the house. And I'm moving into one that needs a bit of work...but I can do that.
    My heart breaks that I have been so much alone for the past 15 months, you always thought that I would be better off...and we fought so much about the friends that we were jealous off. Oh, Babe...if I could go back 15 years, they would not have them come. That was our time, that was our minute in life. I will never stop loving you.

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  46. OMG, I am so glad I found all of you!! My husband has been gone 7 years n February, and I have been having dreams that he's back, and he wants nothing to do with me. I awake heartbroken and crying. The last few years of his life were hellish--he was dying of cancer, he had developed a pretty wild case of dementia, and he changed completely. At one point I was giving him chocolate pudding and he accused me of poisoning him!!

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    1. Anonymous,
      Thinking of you sending Prayers and Hugs, I am so glad you found us too. This site has helped me so much, I am coming up on my sad 2 yr. anniversary, we were married 52 yrs. and I am lost now. Our loved ones as you know do not realize what they are saying when they are in pain. I met a nice lady when my husband was in the hospital, her husband was next door to us. She sat by his side day and night, I could hear him scream at her, I hate you! she would step out in the hall and I would go talk to her and she would say He always told me he loved me so much and I told her He still does, we would hug and cry together. He passed before my husband and I just wish I knew where she is now but I was in such pain myself I never found out where she was from. Just know we feel your pain, our new sister!
      Edy

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  47. Welcome Anonymous,
    My husband as well as many others died of cancer as well. I was his caregiver and it was so hard the last few years as you said. I asked my younger daughter when she noticed that he began to get to be hurtful, she said about about the last two years. I just said that was about right. he was in alot of pain all that time. He kept it to himself for the most part, but his keeping it to himself, I felt isolated and didn't know why.
    I digress a bit, welcome.

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  48. I lost my husband in May 2012 in an accident with motorbike. Am only 30yrs and he was 29. One year married, seven together. We didnt have any children. Almost every week I dream him: I see him happy and alive and when I run to hug him he tries to leave. I feel like he doesn't want me at all but when I say it to him, he denies it. The only thing I do is to hug him so tight.
    Oh my God, how much I miss him... :( 18 months later, still crying all day. I have no reason to continue. I love him so much.

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    1. Anonymous @ 4:00 AM

      I am so sorry for your loss of your husband. All of us on here understand your heartache and pain and missing. Its so hard and the tear never seem to stop no matter how much time passes. I am at 26 months and there has not been a day that tears have not ran down my cheeks, some days and nights more than others. This pass weekend was one where they just wouldnt stop.
      I know I dream but cant often remember them I know he has been in a lot of them but never seems to speak or be part of the dream just there. I wish I would hug him in a dream just to feel that wonderful feeling once again. How I miss those hugs :(
      You feel like you have no reason to continue ....we all get that....we all feel that....but we have to find a way to continue our life somehow...this blog of sue's helps so much to be able to vent and bleed and to lean on other women who care and understand and are dealing with the same loss and pain....no one here will ever judge you, we are all grieving and trying to survive the best we can without the love of our lives. You will find support and comfort here from very caring women who while even in their deepest pain will reach out and try and comfort you with words of understanding...because only we know what this heartache is and understand all the overwhelming emotions and thoughts that go with it. i hope you come here often and read and post and and release your pain...
      Sending you a (((hug)))
      forever loved forever missed

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    2. To anonymous, Nov. 25 at 4

      You are so young to have lost your beloved, my heart goes out to you.

      Just want you to know we all get how you feel, as we have been where you are now irregardless of what age we became
      widows.

      Just take it one hr., day,week, month at a time.

      We, are all good listeners, here and we will help if we can.

      YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

      Sending you a big ((((HUG))), RIGHT NOW!

      Veteran widow of almost 5yrs.

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  49. My husband died in July.. I had a dream he left me at the alter and was with another woman.. and she love him more than me... and he moved out and refused to talk to me .. it freaked me out.. I wish I knew what it means

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  50. Dianne December 28, 2013 at 9:15 AM

    My husband died 35 years ago.at the age of 28 in a motorcycle accident....I find him alive in my dreams and I keep saying over and over..."I told everyone you were still alive but they don't believe me." I was surprised to find other wives saying how their husband found someone else and didn't want to be with them. Several days ago I asked my mother if she thought my husband really love me and she replied, oh yes. Last night I dreamed my husband hugged me and we had sex. That was the first dream in the past 35 years that I felt loved. So, everyone might feel more connected to their deceased husband if they received affirmations from others about how much their husband loved and cared for them.

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  51. My husband of two years committed suicide one week after our anniversary. He suffered a bad concussion at work and shot himself in the head in front of me 24 hours later. He had not been himself for the hour of which I saw him prior to his death.

    This is just the most recent of many dreams of which my husband is always leaving me...

    Last night I dreamed I took the kids and moved to Canada. My husbands mother came to visit me and speak on his behalf. She brought important documents and a very large amount of money for me. I was upset telling her that she should of sent my husband to do this. I kept asking where he was and wanted to return to see him. I demanded she go home and send him. I was furious with him for allowing me to think he was dead and now not wanting me. Woke heartbroken.

    My friend also dreamed of him last night. She went to visit his grave, but he was there. She told him he was dead. He cried he was sorry (suicide) and they cried together.

    Other friends/family see him in dreams too. They tell him he's dead and he knows but came for a last visit.

    His sister dreamed the same theme. He responded he knew he was dead but came to comfort her. They laid together, laughed and cried. He then told her he had to go because I was coming.

    So, apparently I'm not the only one dreaming he's avoiding me.

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    1. To Cece Curtis,

      My heart goes out to you, especially the way he went and in front of you.

      I can only imagine the horror of it all and the memory it left to you to deal with from it.

      If he had concussion, he was maybe feeling pressure in his head?

      Basically, he may have been trying to just stop pain , taking the drastic way he dealt with it?

      Sending you a (((hug))), right now!

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  52. I too have had the bad dreams, but think I understand them.

    The dreams most of you are experiencing are reflections of your own fears. These bad dreams are not coming from your husbands, but are being created by your own subconscious, showing you your greatest fears. If you sit back quietly and think about this, you may see I am on to something here.

    I have dreams where my husband is upset with me. We are together but he snaps, is angry. I wake up hurt, crying, thinking he just hates me and wants nothing to do with me any more.

    The last two weeks of his life, the hospital accidently overdosed him, causing all kinds of complications that in the end hastened his death. It was a nightmare to me. I saw horrors I hope I never see again in my life.

    The hospital told me he had 2-4 months left to live. The day after coming home from the hospital, Valentines day my husband told me to call the funeral home. I was angry with him. This was are last Valentines Day together, I had planned a special day. I thought he was just giving up. He didn't want to eat, I made him eat. He didn't want to take his medication, I made him. I was angry with him, I saw him as giving up, and I have watched other people give up. (my grandmother did just that, she gave up, and her death was not a pleasant one, because she refused to eat or take meds, she made her death so much worse) I did want to go through that again, I didn't want to watch that happen to my husband. I didn't want to lose him, especially when the hospital doctor said we had 2-4 months left. Hospice had told me, give him 72 hours he will rally, they see it all the time. To my way of thinking if he didn't eat or take his meds he wouldn't rally in 72 hours. My husband knew he was dying soon. the nurses and doctors didn't know, and I was listening to them not him, they were saying 2-4 months, and that was what I wanted to hear. My husband had to snap at me in order for me to get it, he said to me, "The only one you care about is yourself" It was like a bucket of cold water and hurt so badly I cried and cried. I had been his 24/7 care giver for a year, I slept in hospitals and had just slept 6 nights in a row in a hospital chair when he said this to me. He was angry with me for trying to force him to eat and take his meds. He was nice to other people who came to visit, but not to me, the one who took care of him, and it hurt so bad. He didn't want to be left alone with me, for fear I would make him eat and take his meds. He even asked his cousin to stay over. He died the following day. He died on the 17th. just 4 days after the hospital told me he had 2-4 months. He died with me still believing he was angry at me. Even though he told his cousin that he loved me more than anything in this world seconds after snapping at me, and causing me to leave the room in tears.

    We were together 21 years, in my heart I know how much my husband loved me. I have books of love letters he wrote me, all of which make my guilt for not seeing that he was not giving up, but indeed dying even worse. The hospital doctors said 2-4 months, he died 4 days later!!!!
    My dreams of my husband still being angry with me are nothing more than my own fears and quilt, that I have over the way he died. Until today, I didn't see that. I didn't understand the dreams, and only felt that he was still angry at me. Which is my biggest fear.

    The lady whose husband has amnesia are you afraid you husband won't remember you? will forget you?

    Woman who can't find their husbands, do you feel in waking life, like you have lost your husband don't know where they are now? Take some time to think about your believes about after death and where we go views.

    I hope I provided some food for thought. Our husbands are still with us, they are not angry, they haven't forgotten us, and yes they still love us and want us to be happy. I deeply believe the dreams are just our own fears. Love Peace and Blessings to each one of you.

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  53. I am now 15 months from my husband's death, November 26, 2012...it seems to be getting even harder to be without him..We were married for 45 years and he was just 68 when he died of a brain tumor after only being diagnosed a short three weeks earlier....I thought it would get easier...I have several dreams about him each week, and, with the exception of two of them, they are revolve around the same scenario: he is not actually in the dream, but in it we have been engaged to marry and I have broken up with him...and in the dream I am sooo very sorry I did and am wondering just how I could possible get in touch with him to find out if he is sorry we broke up and wants to get back together as I so desparately want...sometimes I talk to his mother or sister, begging them to tell me where he is and how I can reach him, but they never do...the two dream exceptions both happened fairly recently...in the one, we have still broken up, but I am on my way to find him and tell him we can have sex before we get married if he will come back to me...then a few days after this one, I dreamed that I was at a skating rink and turned around and he was there! I ran to him and he opened his arms and I fell into them and wanted to stay there forever...I even started to wake up but didn't want to, so I was able to stay asleep in that dream and just rest in his arms...but now I am again back to the dream where I have broken up with him and want to find him and see if we can get back together...I miss him so terribly much and, although I have grown children who love me, I don't know how I am going to be able to do anything but ache for my husband. I do feel grateful for this website I found and just being able to tell you all what I am feeling, as you will be able to relate and understand, having gone through it too...

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    1. To Feb. 25 at 1:01 p.m.
      I feel such a connection with you. My husband died November 26, 2012..same day as yours.
      He had been battling cancer for 20 years. The last 2 years were filled with hospital stays, home health, therapy, doctor's visits, & finally in home hospice. He was 82 so I knew the end was near but it was so heartbreaking to lose him.I miss him & love him so much I don't think I will ever get over it. When I read your post about it getting harder I thought oh, my, the same amount of time & I feel the same.
      I have had a couple of dreams in which I knew it was him but didn't actually see him. I have had many signs...so I know he is watching over me.
      I am trying to help out more at my church...for me that is my way of feeling closer to him & close to God.
      I hope you find a way to ease your suffering on this sad journey.
      Praying for comfort & peace for us all.

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  54. My husband died very suddenly and in a most cruel and horrific way due to medical negligence. I never received a dime for a Strong Wrongful Death Suit because of the Good Samaritan Law, and how it is written within the state of Ct. All other states are written differently. Connecticut is good for rewriting the laws in their favor, always. He died 10 years ago, just a month after his birthday at the age of 43. I understand what ALL of you are going through regarding these odd "husband" dreams. I have the same, recurring shortly after his death about 3-4 times a week. He suddenly shows up out of nowhere, and when I ask him where he has been, it's usually jail. He is extremely hateful and violent towards me, my family members and friends. One time I dreamt that he physically dragged my father from the cellar and started to beat him and then finally try to kill him by strangulation. In that dream, I had to stop him by actually killing him with a sword in the end. He wasn't at all violent or hateful in real life...just so the opposite. These dreams were truly starting to bother me and I wanted to know why and what they were stemming from. I finally realized through much thought and the contents of these dreams that I was suffering from severe guilt regarding the matter of his death, he died at home. I realized that I felt guilt over his death, that I could and should have stopped it from ever happening. That I should have taken control of the situation and taken him to the hospital myself instead of relying on inept EMTs who in the end I found out the day after were not even EMTs at all with any emergency medical training but only volunteer firemen who only took the 911 call, an ambulance was never disbursed until an hour and 45 minutes later. He was already in shock from loss of blood and needed a blood transfusion to survive. He became unconscious when the ambulance finally arrived. They put him in the ambulance and instead of turning his head to the left or right, as should be done as anyone well knows what can happen to an unconscious person whose head is straight up, he vomited which went straight down into his lungs and he aspirated. That is what took his life, not the blood loss. I felt an enormous amount of guilt within my truly believing that he was still so extremely angry at me, even in the Afterlife, for not saving his life, that I could have prevented it, that I SHOULD have prevented it and now he absolutely hates me for all of the severe and meaningless suffering he went through in the wee hours of that fateful night. When I came to the conclusion of what my subconscious thoughts of guilt and fear were stemming from, took a very close look into it, the dreams stopped completely. I still dream of him but he's back to being My Old Billy, not the vicious one anymore. Very loving and supportive, no harm to anyone...as he was in life. Some dreams I believe are just that, dreams. Other times I feel as though he is definitely communicating with me, he has reached me through my dreams and I always feel good when I wake up from those. I hope and wish you ALL peace in your journey of healing and trying to understand these horrific dreams that I know all too well of. The death of someone that you love so much, your Kindred Spirit is devastating at any age, it simply doesn't matter. We all feel different kinds of emotions running like wildfire throughout our minds. Be kind to yourself and just accept the dream as nothing more than fear and the extreme loneliness that you feel. Also, I do believe in grievance counseling to help the mourning process, no matter how many years it has been and to also figure out why all of you are truly suffering from these dreams. A grievance counselor can definitely help you. Bless you All and know, you are not alone...

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    1. Glad to finally know that other's experience the same thing! My husband died 6 1/2 years ago and I wanted to dream of him every night. We were married for almost 17 years. In the last couple of weeks I have finally been dreaming of him.
      I had not put it together yet, until I read all these comments. In my dreams we were not actually together or even talked. Weird that I hadn't realized that part of the dream. Guess I was just happy that I could see him again.

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