Monday, July 12, 2010

Widowers

Do you think it is easier to be a widower than a widow?  I think I do.  Men don't have the need to form a posse to go to a movie or out to dinner.  A spare man at a dinner party is welcomed as opposed to an extra woman who is oftentimes considered a fifth wheel.  Men seem more likely to vacation alone or have dinner in a restaurant by themselves.  

Many widowers begin dating and seeking companionship much sooner than their female counterparts.   I wonder what men have that so many of women don't.  Is it self confidence? Is it that men are more self reliant?  Are they less emotional?  Is it that men have a larger dating pool than women of a certain age?  Or are men needier than women so finding someone to be with is a tool of survival?

I am not saying that men who lose their wives do not mourn or do not miss them.  I just wonder how so many bounce back so quickly.  What is their motivation and thought process?

Why do you think that widowers move forward with their lives sooner and with less effort than widows?

32 comments:

  1. I have been looking for over a month for some release. This looks like it could be something I will enjoy. Life has been tough since my husband died of cancer 9-26-10 at 54 years old. Help

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  2. Thank you for starting this blog. I read through all your entries and you have voiced many of the same thoughts and emotions I am going through. For the first 6 months I was just so numb with grief and loneliness and disbelief - How could he be alive one minute and then gone the next - And why were people older and more sick still living and not my husband. I missed so much that when I cried it hurt. This must be what songs when they sing about a broken heart.

    It is only recently that I began looking for a support group. I need to share my pain with others in the same position and learn from them. The young social worker who organised the Bereavement Support Group in St. Paul's Hospital warned me that the support group meetings were held in the lounge of the Palliative Ward where my husband died. I felt that was so totally insensitive as St. Paul's has a Chapel and a Meditation Room. I cannot understand why the meetings could not be held there. So I declined.

    I am now looking actively for a support group. I live in Vancouver. I would appreciate any suggestions.

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  3. I am not even at the 2 month mark of losing my husband........I have a new term DGI (anyone who just doesn't get it) for now this is helping me be sane... most days I just meander thru & wonder how I am suppose to live without the love of my life after 34 years together....at 53 years young I keep telling myself that he wanted me to be happy, but I am far from that point

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  4. I lost my husband June 7, 2010. I dont know what to do anymore, nothings the same. I miss him so much and its so lonely.

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  5. I lost my husband on June 20th, 2010 - Father's Day. He was only 55 years old and we were only married for two years. We were so much in love and so excited about finding each other. I can't believe he is gone. All the hopes and dreams we had about our future together are gone and I don't know what to do with my life now. It just doesn't seem to matter anymore.

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  6. I was looking for widower support and notice this blog. Just for the record my wife died of pancreatic cancer on 6/11/10 and she would have been 54 on August 17th. It is not any easier for widower but we have been condition to move on and suck it up. All the pain everyone has posted on this blog is shared by your male counterparts. I wish all you the best in your healing process.

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  7. i lost my husband of 18 years on april 21, 2009 to a massive heart attack. we loved each other very much and even tho it looks to other people that i am strong and trying to move on in life ..I'm am truly dying inside. I find no joy in life and everything reminds me of my husband. I try to stay very busy, but when I'm alone all the memories come flooding back. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to face. time does not heal a broken heart..you just endure and I look forward to the day i will be with him again.

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  8. I lost my husband of 20 years 9-9-10. He just turned 51. A stroke took my best friend from me. We have a 14 yr old daughter who lost her daddy and it breaks my heart every single day that he is not here with us. My insides feel like they are sitting next to me. The pain I feel every day is so intense. I have to be strong for our daughter, and I am trying very hard. Tears come every day also. I talk to him and waite for him to answer........What did I do so wrong that he was taken from me??

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  9. I lost my wife of 31 years on 10-9-10 and I still miss her more than I can explain to anyone who hasn't been thru this. She was so much more than my wife; best friend, cheerleader, adviser, the list goes on and on. I think the guys that move into a relationship so quickly are either incapable of being alone or they're Type A personality who will not give in to the depression that comes with the loss.

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  10. I lost my wife of 53 years on 4,26/1/ from leukemia. The loss is more than I can bear. She was my best friend and companion. OVer the last 17 months of her life I was her chief caregiver, and was pleased to be able to be there for her, in return for all she gave me and our kids. I hate living alone, but have few options. It is very fortunate that I have family to share life with, e.g. going to grandchildren's sporting events, meals with our sons etc. Yes, I am moderately depressed, but hate antidepressants, and will wait patiently for the depression to lift, with time, while I try to construct a new life for the few years that remain.

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  11. I am a widower of 6 months & I have to agree with the gentleman who said that men have been conditioned to "suck it up" thus they are able to move on faster than widows are. As egotisitc and sexist as it sounds I am afraid that this is true..men are taught to be independent and self-reliant much more than gals are from childhood. I think also however that the male brain is less in tune with their emotions than the female brain is and thus are less aware of the mental/emotional issues of widowerhood than widows are and thus many men jump way too quickly into new relationships with women than widows do while they are still suffering grief/depression. I see this in my own reactions to women and my own subsequent emotional pain/confusion/turmoil as I am healing from my own loss while at the same time dealing with my own attraction to these women. I think this emotional conflict is much more pronounced in widowers than widows because of men being less self-aware than women are. Just the humble opinion of a suffering widower.

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  12. my wife died from a rare autoimmune disease feb20/2011.as i enter the 8th month of widowhood the cold hard reality is setting in.my mind knows my love is not going to come through the front door but my heart aches to be able to see and hold her.there have been some tiny steps forward in my grief journey but there is a long way to go on this new journey of finding oneself.my beliefs and seeing her again healthy one day are what i am holding onto

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  13. Just want to thank every widow and widower for writing on this blog....it has been very helpful to see that i am not crazy for feeling so stuck and so flooded with emotions. It has helped normalize how I feel. I wish nothing but comfort to all of you.

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  14. I DON,T KNOW HOW TO DEAL FROM THE DEATH OF MY HUSBAND ON JULY 7TH 2O11.THE PAIN AND THE LONELINESS IS NOTHING I COULD HAVE IMAGINED.WE HAD BEEN MARRIED 55 YEARS AND I GO THROUGH WAVES OF DESPAIR WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT. I WILL BE JOINING A BEAREVEMENT GROUP IN NOVEMBER IN THE HOPE OF BEING HELPED.THIS BLOG THOUGH HAS BEEN A BLESSING AS IT HAS MADE ME AWARE THAT I A NOT GOING CRAZY AND UNFORTUNATELY MANY SHARE THE SAME FEELINGS

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  15. I lost my husband July 10,2011 he kissed me goodnight told me he loved me and so my husband of almost 43 years the first boy I dated an the only boy never wokeup!We both are in church and saved an I know he's in God:s arms and I will see him again! But the devil tries yo put fears and doubts that I'm not good enough for heaven! I have creid everyday since he past! I began to think I'm not normal! Even my mom said quit dwelling on his death and move on! But like everyone I consider suicide but knew I would go to hell so that's out! My chest swells an the tears roll an I feel like I'm going to exploded! We have 2 sons a daughter 12 grandkids an. 6 great grand kids an 2 more on the way! But I think of him every mintue of everyday! I don't tell anyone in my family how bad I hurt! And I'm told God don't put on you no more than you can stand! But nothing seems to matter without him! We didn't have money but I was truly loved and so was he an we both knew! People look at me an say it will get better? I really don't see how when you give 1/2 of yourself up! Lost without answers! I'm I crazy! Starting a counseling class as so as I can find one

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  16. The day my husband passed away my life changed forever.Never will it be the same.I am lost.My days are still filled with confusion after one a half year since his death.I keep asking myself,"When will this horror show end?"I cry at the drop of a hat.I don't want to go to the grocery stores because,I think and remember our trips there.I see him in every older man with a little grey in his hair and a bald spot.I see him everytime I go clothes shopping.I can hardly get past the mens department without tears welling up in my heart and eyes.I have decided to stop going to any of our places.I went to places we had frequented together, hoping to have some comfort but people/accquaintences that we both knew together looked at me like I was doing something wrong, so I stopped going to those places.I am in a place now that I have thought.."this not anyway for a person to live..I have thought, "he would've already had another woman in his life".So, I'm going to look for another man.But then I think, there is no man that could ever take his place.I loved him more than life.I have thought about suicide also..but, no, then I'd never see him or my other loved ones again.And couldn't do that to my children.
    Being in the widows club is not one that I ever thought I'd be forced to join.I hate it and besides,,the dues are just too expensive.Like many of you,I just stumbled upon this site/blog and I will come back from time to time..it does help..a little..

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  17. I stumbled onto your blog, as I was looking for information about grieving after a year. I am a widower and have been for about a year and a half with two young children. You are correct in that widowers move onto new relationships much faster than widows. I may be able to shed some light on that as I started dating someone about 7 months after my wife passed. For me, it was simply the realization that we only have one life to live and it should not be wasted. Yes, easier said than done. I think men are built that if there is a problem, we work to fix it. When a wife tells a husband about a problem, he goes about finding a solution, but the wife may just want someone to talk to about it rather than finding a solution. Beginning a new relationship was not easy, I had to really work at it and not fall back into wallowing which is so easy to do, it's almost comfortable to stay in that stage. I loved being married to my wife and I want something like that again in my life. Men are better, I think, at compartmentalizing things that women. When I'm with this person, my thoughts are on my current relationship and my grief is not on the forefront of my thoughts. I think about Kari everyday, mostly when I am on my own. I'm still grieving, but I'm also moving forward as well. The two can be mutually exclusive. Hope that gives a little insight into the male perspective.

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  18. I lost my wife 12-16 2011 and i don't think it is any easier for men then women. even though my love has been gone about 8 months i have yet to move on Her things are still right where there were when she passed away.Her winter coat and light jacket are still on the same hook that she hung them on.even the last bra that she hung on the hook in the bed room still hangs there.I even take it and smell it to get a slight smell of her. I miss her very much and i don't think i weill ever move on to someone else.

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  19. Anonymous: I am so sorry for your loss. My beloved passed on 12/18/11. His clothes are also still hanging where he left them. For some reason, I still feel that is where they belong right now. His smell on the pillowcase has dwindled some as I waited a little too long before putting it into a ziplock. I too can never see myself moving on to another after more than forty years together. Always wondered if it was any easier for a widower, but you seem to have the same painful emotions as we widows. Be kind to yourself. We are all here for you.
    Jan

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  20. I lost my beloved wife of nearly 25 years on September 10, 2012. She was only 49. She fought breast cancer for nearly 5 years. I was in Iraq at the time she was diagnosed. Ironically I think widows do better than us men. They normally make the house a home...they manage the social calendar and most things around the home. I find myself in a complete daze at times...just trying to make it to the next day...hoping somehow things will get better. Nothing has come close yet. Everything I read or hear on how to handle this somehow leads to the person finding someone else. I just can't accept that idea.... I miss my lady so...she was the love of my life. God bless you all.

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  21. Long after the rest of these posts...the internet remembers everything. I am new to this. My wife died 7 weeks ago. We have2 kids, boy and girl, 5 and 3. Each day is a battle. It was just right before. Now it is not. She was great at everything i am bad at. To hell with dating...how the hell do you do everything!? I am not stupid--there are just so many things I have to learn. Shit.

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    1. to Anon.Mar29,8:36: Yes. Shit.
      Life pulls us along through this mud,even when we are feeling so inadequate to the jobs we are faced with. Good luck with the strengthening of your SELF for the kids, and with trying to ask for practical help to keep the lid on the daily chaos. There will be something in that process for you too, I will bet. There are a lot of people to consult with here. They have skills. And you will too.

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  22. My husband, David was my best friend. We were married 27 years. He graduated to Heaven Dec. 19, 2012 from cancer. He died at home. I was holding his hand when he took his last breath. I thank God we had 2 years to say goodby. He's only been gone 5 months. I get lonely and miss him so much. We did everything together, we even had the same hobbies. The evenings and nights are the hardest for me. Our king bed is so big without him there. He made being married fun. He loved me more than anyone has ever loved me. I miss his loving arms, his gentle hands and his love for Jesus. I loved being married to him and I think I would do it again if it's God's will for me. Right now though I am trying to stay busy by reaching out to others that are having difficult times. I would say to all who read this...in your distress cry out to God.

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  23. THE JOURNEY: PART ONE
    When we met, she was a 21 year old, wide eyed student, a little more liberal than I was used to.
    When we parted, she was a 46 year old special ed teacher, a little more liberal than I.
    When we met, her long brown hair was shiny & luxurious.
    When we parted, she was bald and beautiful.
    When we met, she was energetic and ready to go. When we parted she was weary, & ready to go.
    When we met, she was looking forward at what she might do.
    When we parted, she was looking back at all she had done.

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    1. That is truly beautiful

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  24. THE JOURNEY: Part Two
    When we married, many were there; When we parted, many many more were there.
    When we met, she was the most beautiful girl in the world:When we parted, she was the most beautiful girl in the world.
    When we met, she was untouched by cancer:When we parted, she was unbowed by cancer.

    To Paulette, my Pauley,age 46
    From your Danny

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    1. Danny:

      The poignant picture you paint with The Journey is such a magnificent tribute to both your deep love and deep sorrow for your darling Pauley! Big Hug and God Bless.
      Jan

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    2. Thank you both. Have been writing down memories for a book or blog, if I knew how to start one.

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  25. Danny, thanks for letting us see this. You have been nourished by the Journey too. We can learn from that.

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  26. Danny, beautiful and touching!

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