Most of the comments on this blog are from recently widowed women who are in a great deal of pain. They always want an answer to the "does it get better" question.
The short answer is yes it gets better. For me personally, it took a long time. But eventually I stopped crying every day. It became easier to go to social events alone or with a friend. And I learned to enjoy my own company so being by myself became acceptable. The veil of despair does lift in time. It is a slow unveiling but it will happen.
I wish I could provide a timetable or tell you what you can do to make yourself feel better. But I can't. And I refuse to pass on the cliches and generalities that we often hear. One thing I know for sure is that there is no magic cure to widowhood. It is a terminal condition that we all have to find a way to cope with.
Some women find a new direction in life, a new man or surround themselves with family. Others continue to try and feel better on a daily basis.
I'm an other. Just trying to feel a little better each day. What are you?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I think I'm one of those who is trying to get by day by day with a healthy dose of surrounding myself with family. I also try staying busy,(I started working out again) but I still find time to be alone with my thoughts and to allow myself to cry and/or scream about the lot I've been dealt. Finances are getting to be a problem and am thinking about taking on a part-time job (already working 40hrs a wk) Haven't been able to get myself out there to look for that job though. Maybe one will drop in my lap. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Sue,
ReplyDeleteI am so lonesome for the human touch. I feel like crying because of that. Is that just grief too showing up a different way?
Wish there was a site like this for widowers. 8 1/2 years alone. Still miss her. Miss our life together. Hate loneliness. Don't know how or where to date. Online seems too much like a job interview. No spontaneity (sp?).
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean by being hungry for a hug. My husband died this past February. He was the only man I ever dated, he was my best friend, and we did not have children. He was 60 and I am 56.
ReplyDeleteA few things have happened over the past months that I attribute to him trying to let me know me he IS okay and I WILL be okay.
I went to visit with family (cousins), in another state, for the 4th of July, which would have been our 35th wedding anniversary. I made it through the week in better spirits than I anticipated. It felt good having activities to look forward to sharing in. I think MOST of the happiness was due to being with family.
I am back home now and at times feeling lost and alone again, though not as much as just after his death. I still talk to him about day to day things and situations I encounter, especially the ones that remind me of the times we had together.
Almost all of the people in my life that would "have my back" should anything go wrong, are ones that I came to know through my husband. I do not have blood kin here or what I would call a bossom buddy, so it's up to me now to make the effort to make any new social contacts, as it was my husband who was the more outgoing of the two of us.
I having been asking God to show me the direction He wants me to take with the rest of my life. I can only pray that I recognize the opportunity when it presents itself and not be afraid to follow the path He has laid out for me.
Something tells me that it is not going to be a straight line journey, so it should be interesting and I pray, fulfilling.
I have come to the conclusion that we are not only grieving for the loss of our loved ones, but also the loss of the life we imagined sharing with them that will now not come to pass.
ReplyDeleteThank you to all of you who have shared on this site.It's so good to know that other people understand the way I feel. My husband died on Thanksgiving Day 2009 after a long illness. I pray contantly and know that God holds me in His hands and has my life planned out for me. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends. But I still feel very alone. I am now realizing that I need to get out there and do things either on my own or by finding a friend who wants to do things. It's really hard without my husband here to do things with. I'm learning patience and confidence, though. I know I need to sit back, allow myself time to grieve in my own way and to give God time to work in me. Again, thanks to all who have shared on this site. Your comments really do help.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the post of July 14th. My husband has been gone since Aug 19 of 2007. My life is so different. I do not know who I am anymore, as I am no longer a wife, my kids are grown with families of their own, laid off from my job. It is like I do not have an identity anymore. I do not want anyone to feel like they need to take care of me, but I can't seem to find the drive to do anything. I don't know why I still cry everyday it is just so lonely. I feel like I for someone who was so together I really am a mess.
ReplyDeleteHow does one start again???? T
Glenda, I feel the same way as yourself. THere are many ways that I miss David but mostly I miss not having someone to hold me or just kiss me on the cheek or to give me that special look. I believe God is there for me, too but God can't hug me the way David could.
ReplyDeleteMy husband passed away 3 yrs.ago..We were together 45 yrs. .Kids are grown & live too far to just hop over...It's been complete & pure hell..I used to be outgoing, now I feel like I cower in a corner & try not to be seen..I hide my feelings from family & friends..Just can't get past this terrible existance..So overwhelmed I just don't know what to do to move on..I prayed so hard for strength when it first happened & found none..My faith used to be very strong..Now I've stopped believing in god..He did nothing to help me get through this, as much as I prayed for help & comfort..He just doesn't listen even though I've been so good all my life..I didn't do anything to deserve this & neither did my husband..We were good people & worked hard all our lives..Now what? A big fat nothing..That's enough now, as I've said more than I planned, but needed to get it off my chest..Blessings to you all.
ReplyDeleteGod has not left you my friend. I hope you can find strength to look up and find that God has been carrying you all along. Read Psalms 23. That has comforted me. My husband had a sudden heart attack while driving on April 24, just a few short months ago. I miss him more than I can tell you. We had 25 great years and were so happy. 4 short weeks later, our son got married. That was a hard wedding...but....he would have wanted us to go on. The only thing that keeps me going is that God has a plan and a purpose for my life, and God does not take us before it is our time. He has our days planned before we are born and he knows what day he is going to take us. We all have to face Him someday...we need to realize that and live for Him. Blessings to you, hope things will get better for you.
ReplyDeleteI too lost my husband and most of all my friend about 8 weeks ago. I know it is early in my grief, but I am so lost, cry almost every day, am scared and so so lonely. I have started to volunteer at the local library summer program, but hate coming home to emptiness. It seems that who I thought was my best friend is not understanding my feelings, as if she is reluctant to have a friend who is a widow. It is not a catchy disease and it is hard to explain what I am feeling. I am impatient, and a year or two of feeling like this makes me feel like falling into a hole and waking later. Kids want me to move closer to them, I am giving myself a year to a year and a half before I sell my home....but how will I know where to go????
ReplyDeleteAnonymous...yeah, everyone tells me too, wait a year before selling the house, before making any major decisions, etc. but that is hard to do when you loose your husbands income and you only make a 10th of what he was making. People have great advice, but you are right, they don't understand until they have been in your shoes. I too, HATE to come home. I will do anything to not have to come home to my empty house. He built this house, from top to bottom, so he is everywhere, yet no where. So strange. My children are in their early 20's and newly married, and they are taking things out on me because I am closest to them and they don't know how to deal with their grief. My daughter especially was close to her Dad and was building a horse barn with him. She is so angry and won't cry with me or even hardly talk about him. I am worried about her. Have suggested counseling, but she won't go. I work at a church, so I have pastors and guidance, but she is not doing well.
ReplyDeleteI miss him every day, whenever I see a tractor trailer rolling down the road, or see a red Dodge Ram pickup, or a man that is graying and about his height, or a smell, or
whatever. I just miss him so. He was my whole world. He was so good to me. If we had a bad marriage, it might be easier to let go, but he spoiled me in every way. I can't hardly stand the pain. Just before I woke this morning, I had a dream he was kissing me. It was great, but then woke to the reality. I know God is in control and won't fail me, it is just a hard time, and now I found out my Mom has breast cancer. Lord, how much more can I take?
We all are in the same boat - what to do? Nothing or just keep missing them and pretending that they are with us - it is so hard - I know I must adjust as you all do too --- and we will in time - they say!!! Until then, let's stay busy, remembering all the good times and thank God we were together as long as we were (48 years for us - my husband died 15 months ago ) God bless you all and take care of yourselves as I will also!
ReplyDeleteI find it difficutlt to express what is happening to me,after I lost my beloved husband of 48 yrs.We were so much a part of each other that I find i am trying to become myself again.I am so grateful to have had had him for so long. His heart was gold. I know he is with Jesus and our only son,that died at 21
ReplyDeleteMy faith in Christ sustains me. I feel like a fish out of water!!
Ten months ago my sweet husband passed away. For months, it felt like an ocean of grief, now it is only a lake,then the ocean reappears - I have a quota of wretched crying that must happen every week for the inconsolable child in me. And my memory is glitchy much more often. I am still raw and just a partial person, feel quite amputated, but find glimmers of joy with friends and family. I focus on taking my antidepressants daily, being productive, being grateful, and believing that I must build a new life to honor my courageous husband and others whose love and vitality lives on in us.
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband of 35 1/2 years on April 30, 2010. We married when I was 19 and he was 24. He was my first love and my only love. He died of Melanoma cancer caused by the sun. I trusted God with all my being to heal him. I feel so let down that God didn't answer our prayers and give us the miracle we ask for. I feel like part of me died with him. I became very ill after he died because I wasn't able to eat. I literally watched my husband starve to death in front of me. The cancer had spread to his lung, throat, brain,lymphnodes in chest and his spleen. I felt so helpless watching his health decline before my eyes daily. He lost 65 pounds in 6 weeks. He died at home in our bed. Our home flooded 2 days after he passed away. Our son, his friend and I were getting ready to go to the funeral home for visitation when the flood waters started coming into our house. The lost of our home can't compare to losing my husband, but it was very stressful that I wasn't able to get things out of the house that he had made for me. He was very skilled at making things out of wood and had made me some beautiful things thru the years. I feel completely lost without him. He was my best friend and there wasn't anything we enjoyed more than spending time together. I feel cheated that he was taken at only 59 and won't have the golden years together that we had so looked forward to. I am grateful we had a son together. He is a great comfort to me. He and I both are having a very hard time going on with our lives without my wonderful husband and his wonderful father. The only thing that I can even think about right now is getting thru one day at a time. I have to be here for our son. I pray that someday the pain will ease and I can remember all the wonderful memories my husband and I shared without them breaking my heart. He was the love of my life and I will love him forever.
ReplyDeleteMy husband died a week ago today. My heart aches, I know I'm numb, dealing with the details and necessary arrangements but I dread the long period of grief I'm sure to go thru, the loneliness in our home,the loss of our dreams together.Feels like I've been thrown into a foreign land and don't know the language or my route. I pray for guidance and ease.
ReplyDeleteIt's been 20 days since I last spoke to my husband. The day before he died was our daughter's 21st birthday and the same week on Saturday our son turned 18. I'm blessed that they are not little. We met when I was 18 & he was 20. 24 years! I'm still numb with shock. Feeling very anxious and nervous. I'm very scared of the coming weeks/months/years without him.
ReplyDeleteThe weekend is coming up and I can't believe I have another weekend to get through already. Days are going faster and sleep is the only peace I have now. It's just so hard to wake up every day and be slapped by the knowledge that you are alone with out the person you were going to grow old with and dote on your future Grandchildren. We all beat the odds of divorce, which are so high, only to be destroyed by sudden death. no time to say the things I wanted to say, no time to tell him how much I loved him and appreciated the 34 years we had together...just no more time!sm
ReplyDeleteIt is hard coming back to an "empty" house. Some days I find myself making up things to do to delay coming home. But one thing I have been doing is leaving the tv on, with the sound turned low, when I go out. That way there the house is not quite as lonely when I return.
ReplyDeleteI also have a thought for Phyllis. She said that she was let down when God did not heal her husband. I also remember praying for my husband to be made well. In fact one day when I was praying for Fred to be returned to good health, I swear I heard a voice in my head clearly say that he was going to be made better.
As my husband continued to decline, a cousin made an observation that instead of healing his body to remain in this world, maybe God was healing his spirit in preperation to enter the next.
Occassionally I still ask God why He did not heal my husband so he could stay with me. I hope one day to understand when I get to be with him again. I will just have to learn to trust that God will watch over both of us until then.
Even though He doesn't give us any more than we can handle, I sometimes wish God did not have so much confidence in me.
It has been just three weeks for me, and I just don't know what to do. I am fortunate to have a home and good job (when I go back), I have a daughter that lives in another state and three step kids ( all very grown up) BUT my husband and I spent 31 years together, all the kids were gone 21 years ago and my Mother lived with us for between 2001 and her demise in Nov. 2007, As a threesome we were great, and then my Mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2006 and my husband's cancer was diagnosed as metastatic three months after Mom's diagnosis. We fought both together and then it was just the two of us to fight his last demons. He fought so hard and tried to stay with me and watch the grandkids get bigger. He was so strong, never complained and only wanted to take care of me. It is hard to imagine that he isn't going to be here to welcome me home, kiss me goodnight, and "count our kisses" every day. I know that I am lucky to have had him the extra time and I know that I didn't want him to suffer and that we were both tired of the fight, and wanted our life back, but not this way. I don't know how to move forward and yet I know that is what he expects.
ReplyDeleteThere really are no answers to "When will it get better" but it does get easier.
ReplyDeleteMy hubby died 2 years ago yesterday, and yesterday wasn't so bad. I was able to get through the day without any tears until I went to bed.
I found going back to work right away really did help, it gave me something to focus on. They told me to take as much time as I needed, but I was so lonely at home, I went back right away. I made it very clear to everyone at work that they were not to pussy foot around me, say your condolences and get back to work, and leave me to do my job.
You need to force yourself to get out of bed, get dressed and do something. Make yourself some breakfast and force it down your throat. Go out in the garden and enjoy the flowers, take your coffee or tea with you and concentrate on the solitude of being alone, but don't think about your loss, think about the beauty of the day and the garden around you. Try not to think about how much he loved the garden, think about how much you love the garden he gave you.
Go out, go for a walk, try really really hard not to think about what was, try to focus on what will be. If you had a hobby before your hubby passed away you need to force yourself to do it again, it's hard but you can do it.
You need to speak to people, say "Hi" to a stranger, smile and say goodmorning to people you meet on the street, bus or grocery store.
At night when you're having a really tough time, make yourself a tea and take it outside to the patio or balcony and enjoy the night, it's amazing what a bit of fresh air, bright stars and a glowing moon will do.
Oh I know, you're thinking wow, she's got it all together, but I still have my melt downs, nights when I can't stop crying, nights when I miss Fred so bad I feel like someone ripped me in half, and nothing in the world helps it go away, but these nights are coming less and less often, and I think it's because I try to stay focused on what lies ahead not what I lost.
It's very very hard, but you need to make a conscious effort not to be sad, you need to force yourself to face every day, only you can do it, nobody can do it for you, you're on your own.
When someone asks how you're doing, tell them you're fine and start believing it yourself, before you know it, you will feel fine.
Most of all take it one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, each day will get better and every step will get easier.
It's almost be a year Sept,30 that I lost my husband to prostate cancer. Sometimes I wonder when the pain will disappear and the tears will cease. We were together for 40 yrs. He left me in a good place but I still feel so lonely. Its hard but I can say that it gets easier slowly but surely to exit day by day. I loved him sooooo much. I can't imagine being with someone else in the future.
ReplyDeleteFrom Cheryl
2 months and it's hard to watch other couples together...I feel like an anomaly, a single, half of a pair...want to tell people to let go of their resentments towards each other, enjoy their time together and cherish what they have. I can be busy all day but the loneliness hits at night..no one to share the days story with.
ReplyDeleteit has been 2 months since my husband died suddenly. I read the comments on the blog and I feel all those feelings. I am so scared and lonely. I don't know how to move forward and don't know how not to resent the world moving on without him. How can everyone and everything seem so normal when he is not here. I too have a hard time watching couples, seeing their vacation pictures or talking about going to dinner. I barley can eat. My daughter was so close to her dad that she is in denial and since she lives in another state she can pretend, but it means she cannot call me and I feel I have lost everything. I don't know how to keep going sometimes.
ReplyDeleteMy husband passed away in February of 2005. We were together for over 30 years, so it was like losing half of me. He was dagnosed with cancer in 2001 and was given 6 months to live. I believe with our faith in God and the chemo and my husband's will to live to make sure I would be alright helped him to live almost 4 years longer than the doctor's said he would.
ReplyDeleteAfter he passed, it was real hard on me as it seemed like every month there was something that was happeing. Another death in the family, a friend having surgery and needed me to help her, my car getting hit and the lady not having any insurance, and another death in the family, and that is only a few things that happened.
But best of all, with my husband living longer, we were able to talk about things and feelings. Things he wanted me to do, by not moping around and crying for him, was one of them.
The pain and the sorrow and sadness will always be there, but in time the pain sorrow and sadness will get softer and you will be able to talk about your spouse and laugh, and then my friend, you will know you are healing.
There are stages of grief you must go thru before you are better and can accept the death. One of them is getting angry with him/her for leaving you. Another is thinking you or your kids can't laugh about things...after all there father/mother just died. But, let me tell you, you need to laugh, laughter is healing and healing is what you need to do.
My husband has been gone 4 months and I live with my daughter and grandaughter.All I have ever really done is homemaking and raising kids.I have helped raise grandchildren and took care of my husband through every illness.Now I am 50,have no job experience that is'nt 25 yrs.old and I feel so lost.I was very happy as a wife and mother and there is'nt anything like being grandma.If it was'nt for my little grandaughter I would have died with my husband.Is there any help for people like me?I need a job but doubt anyone will hire me.To do what? I like helping people but have no training.Does anyone know where to get help?I live in Ohio if it is different for each state.
ReplyDeleteMy husband died suddenly, he did not wake up the day after Thanksgiving 2009. My college kids were home thank goodness. My daughter had just left for college in Sept so I was a new empty nester then 3 months later a widow. I thought by now I would be better. I have spent the last two days crying again, wrenching. I had been a housewife for 18 years and now do not know what to do without my family. He and I had just began the second part of our life together and it was over. I am painfully lonely. I don't know how people live through this pain.
ReplyDeleteNicki
ReplyDeleteMy husband 0f 45 years passed away 1 1/2 years ago I am still trying to recover from the loss it feels like half of me is missing. We had a great life and 4 great kids and our oncologist helped him to streach his time with us for seven years but I guess there is never enough time,you always want more. I have many dreams about him and feel his presence every day but really miss his touch his great sence of humor his stability his all around love and reassurance.
I am 61yrs old and my husband of 41yrs passed away from cancer 2 1/2 yrs ago. Friends and family surrounded me with love and support for about 6 months and then it was like they all thought it was time to move on. They did, but it has not been that easy for me. I moped around, cried, screamed, and even got in my car and drove aimlessly, just trying to hold on to my sanity. I have grown sons, their wives and grandchildren, but they are all busy living their own lives. I am a Christian and without God I would probably overdosed on something by now. My phone sits quietly for days at a time. I call family and friends to find that they are busy and just don't have time to go to town or come by. I go to visit them and feel like I am interupting something or keeping them from doing what ever it is they want to do. I feel so lonely for human touch, but I feel I am to old and ugly for anyone to want to be a friend to spend time with, As I said before, it's been 2 1/2 yrs. But I have found that the bad days are getting farther and farther apart. But when there bad there bad. I have been on a cruise and enjoyed it, but when I come back home its the same. I have tried lots of things and they work for awhile and then boom, down again. Will my feelings and emotions ever get leveled out so that I can have peace and happiness that dosen't go up and down?
ReplyDelete