Like most marriages we had Sue chores and Lane chores. I did the cooking, grocery shopping and managed our social calendar. Lane was responsible for maintenance of the house, the cars and the office. He also cleaned up after meals loading the dishwasher with great precision. We overlapped on laundry duty, yard work and unloading the dishwasher. I don't know if our unspoken arrangement was a 50/50 proposition but it worked for us.
When he died I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of doing my chores and his. But light bulbs burn out, snow needs to be shoveled and keeping the computer updated is a must. After a few mishaps I realized that many of his chores were within my realm of competence as long as I had a ladder, a screw driver and enough courage to give it a try. My first triumph was assembling a floor to ceiling shower caddy. I discovered that replacing furnace filters, pumping air into bike tires and painting trim wasn't quite as challenging as anticipated.
After I got busy with the power sander one day I came to the realization that I can do a lot of Lane's chores. I just don't want to. I don't want to put windshield wiper fluid in the car. I don't want to spackle. And I definitely don't want to load the dishwasher.
You see my resistance had nothing to do with ability and everything to do with sharing. I liked sharing these mundane tasks with Lane. It kept us close. It made us a family.
How do you deal with having to do it all?
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We shared all the household chores too. It's tough to take on every task day in and day out. I hate the lawn mower, I couldn't even get it started 2 week ago. Today I need to tear the vacuum apart because it's clogged. Yep, the airfilters need to be changed too. Dogs need to be bathed and fed, carpets need to be cleaned, truck needs to be washed and etc... The list is endless... But, I keep motoring along accomplishing each task. I put the Christmas stuff away yesterday, I feel a sense of normalisy again in the home. That chore I didn't mind doing, couldn't wait to shove the tree back in its box. ha! I get tired of doing all the bills, making decisions, keeping the kids focused and most of all I'm tired of doing all the driving. I want someone to cart me around again. I truelly appreciate everything my husband did. He is my "hero." Missing my honey, but looking forward to saying goodbye to 2011. Keeping my chin up... Trish...
ReplyDeleteIt was good to read your Division of Labor blog, Sue as it brings up many of my issues. I was left with a little farm, acerage, three big buildings that all require maintenance. I am in my 70s but fortunately still strong. My husband was the property care-taker and also helped with housework; he did most of the driving as well as the grocery shopping. I am having to hire more help than I can afford, but do as much as I can, challenging myself with projects I never thought I'd be able to manage. I congratulate myself on my accompolishments, my strength. I was well cared for and loved and how I miss our life together, however this is it now -- alone and challenged but hopefully growing.
ReplyDeleteSince I was 15, we've been together... for 35 years until he died suddenly during the Christmas holidays 4 years ago. Things that used to be so simple, now seem to be an emotional chore. There's so much all the time, if it's not the sprinkler system, it's the roof. I am trying to sell my house and just rent. I can't keep up with everything. If I had the heart & soul I used to have, maybe I could keep up, but I don't. Things just don't matter like they used to. Every year, November and December just about push me over the edge with all the jolly extras to keep up with. I can't seem to get past the deep sadness and trying to fake that I still love the holidays. If I open up to someone about how I am really feeling, they try to "fix" me. Really... I just want to be left alone. I am trying to figure out where to live now, I just want a simple life. I'm tired of keeping up with expectations. I miss my busy former life and am trying to find a "place" where I fit now. A place that I might feel a little peace and contentment and make some new friends who are not always trying to give me answers and solutions and things I should look into. I think I just need to be somewhere new, where no one knew my husband. I am tired of the pitiful sad comments and stares. I just want people to see me, not what I USED to be. He is gone now and I miss him everyday, my four kids are all grown and have their own lives. They are a great support, but they can't fill this hole. I am alone, I don't like it, but this is reality. I am trying to keep my chin up too and find a small piece of peace.... and a little bit of true laughter again. I think it MUST be out there somewhere. 2012, another new year. Love this blog site... Anne
ReplyDeleteTo Anne, isn't that the truth, the fix part especially. I also made it thru Christmas with my head held high. I have a amazing family, good children, with no reason to be sad. But come midnight Christmas Eve, I took my Kulua and walked out by my horses and cried. Not from the Kulua but because my horses accept me as I am for that time. I hope I am able to maintain my property for another 10 or 12 years because my best friends are equine. But also I have a very good friend (of course she has horses as well) just down the road. We can spill our guts about what ever topic and theirs no trying to fix, just understanding. Maybe where I'm going with this is the quality of friends and the quanity. I don't feel it's important to be surrounded with people that really don't give a damn. So I keep close around those situations. I also pray when the time comes for them to walk in our boots, they will remember and understand, But we having been their will be there for them.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year to all,
Yesterday I was at the store and I looked over and the whole shelf was full of Valentine's stuff. Eeeeek! The last normal day for me was Februrary 14, 2011. All hell broke loose the next day, my husband died on the 18th of Feb. I'm sooooo looking forward to the new year! It's so weird the things that can trigger memories or thoughts. I'm wishing all my fellow widows/friends a Happy New Year! May this be our year to shine again... Trish...
ReplyDeleteTrish, Kat and Ann--you've expressed what I've been feeling for 8 years--can hardly believe that much time has gone by. I finally don't dread doing everything alone so much, but the contentment and times of quiet happiness are gone. Yes, there are some good times here and there with family and friends, but I miss being "centered" with my husband and having that special sense of security. He died much too young at 71, and is missing out on so much with our grandchildren as they grow up. He'd have loved watching that. I found that after the first few months, friends gradually went back to their own busy lives, as they should, and I felt I became more and more invisible in this couples' world. It's hard, but I've become resigned to it too. I don't want to have any one else in my life--not that it would happen at this age--but I just don't want it. I want my husband back and that's not happening. My new hope is to just get over it and get on with it.
ReplyDeleteWe shared the jobs Ok. But how do I get along without him in my bed, in my arms, at our dinner table,at the Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, anniversay days?
ReplyDeleteWow I am amazed to hear that so many of you still miss your husbands after so many years. My husband has been lost to me for almost three years now. I thought that something was wrong with me to still miss him so. All my friends from my grief group have found new partners and I just can't. I thought something was wrong with me to be so different from them. I also am able to get by now. I can get through the holidays and go places alone. However the calmness and inner joy in me is no longer there. I think of him and I see me. He was me, such a big part of me he took with him.I have to find a way to be happy with the me that is left and maybe rebuild the missing piece. Unfortunately at the time of my husbands passing my 91yr old mother moved in with me because of the beginning stages of Dementia. After caring for my husband the two years before and now her I'm wondering how I'll ever start the process of a new life. Life is full of surprises and that thought keeps up the hope in tomorrow. After 44yrs being with him its hard to see life through only my eyes. So many dreams lost. It's like a town demolished and needing to be rebuilt. Can I ever get the energy and desire to rebuild it on my own? Sometimes I wonder who has it harder the one who passed on or the one left behind?
ReplyDeleteI don't like doing my husbands chores. I am having difficulty keeping up with all of them and he has things scattered all over the garage and I have no idea where anything is! I just do what I can to get by. After 22 months I thought I would feel better but I actually feel worse because I am only 54 and can't believe this is really my life now. Empty, lonely, depressing. I used to be such a happy person and struggled to make a good 30 year marriage when everybody else was getting divorced and acting crazy. And now all that work was for nothing. And he is gone and I am alone like most of the crazy people who got divorced. Ironic. I am now what I never wanted to be. And I had no choice. And that makes me angry.
ReplyDeleteJust recently, I needed to add windshield wiper fluid in my car and had to look in the manual to find out where to put it! I had to purchase another car after my husband died . And that was huge. Scared someone would take advantage, I had a family member help with that decision.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I still get overwhelmed with some chores and for that first year, I just paid someone to do it. I now cheer myself on when I manage to accomplish a chore my husband was so good at. I still don't like doing it, but at least I feel more independent.
Mary, I too, am at the three year mark and feel/felt the same as you thinking I should be further along until I found this website. It has been a constant support for me in my resolve to move forward with grace. When I have an occasional bad day, I don't berate myself. All of you, in your different stages of grief, are a source of encouragement that I can relate to and depend on. I am in Texas visiting our adult daughters and enjoying being around family. However, when I return home next week, I will be just fine being alone again. It's my new reality and I am adjusting.
Mary-
ReplyDeleteI would have to say that we have it harder- being left here to contend with the sadness, pain, fear, aniexty of losing our partner, and having to fill in for both "roles" we shared or filled. He did all maintenance and was highly skilled at so many things that way (building, painting, yard, equipment, vehichles etc). I did all the house stuff as well as ran the finances and any legal issues (my strengths) and we both appreciated that we fit in ways like a "hand in glove". A well oiled machine in so many ways.
My husband's brief (4 month) battle with cancer caused him great suffering, fears and frustration. He has now moved beyond that hell. I am in a type of hell missing him so badly and trying to cope with it all at 55 (54 when he died last Feb.). So now I have the hard part of looming future and dealing with so many ifs and what ifs. And like Anonymous said "how do I get along without him in my bed, my arms, at the dinner table, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries..." or any day at all????? It is a very painful one breath at a time.
He asked me to marry him 28 years ago tonight, early in New Year, after 10 months together. I knew he was the one from the first hours of meeting him. Married 11 months after that New Year. Where did the time go so quickly?? Fast as a heartbeat once it is over. Alone with my memories tonight, a fire, candles and a glass of sparkling to toast him, my dead parents and family and many friends from the years...now gone. Missing all that I had but a prayer to heaven that I once was the luckiest girl in the world......
New Year hugs and thoughts going out to Sue and everyone at this sight.
Today would be my 11 year wedding anniversary. My husband died five years ago next month. I still have NO desire to date anyone else. The thought makes me sick. I am thinking of everyone here tonight - whether your memories are good ones or bad. It is still a tough time of year. Thank you for saying "Missing all that I had but a prayer to heaven that I once was the luckiest girl in the world...." SO TRUE. I was blessed. New Year hugs to all. Mary R.
ReplyDeleteMy first New Years alone in 32 years. Was married most of my life. I feel so lost I still cry every day. It has been almost 9 months. Don't know how to cope. I was the one with cancer. I should have gone first. I wish I had. Just scared all the time. Even simple decisions are hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little surprised how hard this is to write. It's been 5 1/2 years since he died unexpectedly from a heart attack at 45, on our 20 wedding anniversary to boot. I've shaken my fist at the heavens above many times, in frustration, that he 'bailed out' when we needed him. It is the most frustrating feeling to not have the other parent around to bounce things off when one of the kids is making huge life changing mistakes, and is creating levels of stress that needs to be shouldered by 2. Even when things are going relatively smoothly, I feel I am just a shell. I still find myself waking up many mornings, wishing I didn't, because it's so hard to 'get THAT new life' when the old one, though not perfect, WAS me, us, our family. Our good family friends tried to include me into all the normal family activities which were just a disaster, because they kept being couples, as they should, and the pity when they realized Im not in that group anymore is just too painful. Yeah, invite the spare wheel to the newest dancing lessons that are so much fun, then practice all the dance moves when we have get togethers... Lets go on couple vacations, when my finances can't compete with the dual income households they maintain. I'm really tired of pretending that my lonely, boring, frustrating life is really okay and I'm coping. I do hope 2012 is better. I'm just really tired of being tired - taking the load of 2 is exhausting.
ReplyDeleteLast night, New Years Eve, I accompanied my son & his fiancee to dinner with her parents, and returned to the house about 11:30. After the kids left to go to a party with their friends, I put my pajamas on, and grabbed my journal and spent the last remaining minutes of 2011 writing to my husband, who died 32 weeks ago. I remember how we celebrated Christmas and New Years Day together. I remember how I appreciated being with him. I am also painfully aware that there may not be many more new years left for me to celebrate. 2011 for me was a year of losses. I have no idea what to expect during 2012.
ReplyDeleteWell my 2011 ended with finding out that someone has been stealing my husband tools in the back yard. That was his area, and I have s very hard time going back there. His son usually checks things out weekly or bi-weekly and yesterday is when he found out that some one had been back there. I guess I will have to get stronger and start going back there myself. It really makes me mad that people steal from one of the most giving man I have ever know, he would go without to help some one out. Now his back yard is going to have to be an area I have to clean up that was all his job. That is what ended my year, then this morning I am going to church and I see my cat dead on the side of the road. Has anyone ever tried to dig a hole for a family pet with post hole diggers and crying while you are doing it? Again
ReplyDeletethat would have been my husband job. Today the sermon in church was not to live in the past but in the present, well all I want is my past I loved my life with Robbie and I don't care for this new one. I am so thankful for this blog it does help to read and write on here. My prayer for all my widow sisters for 2012 is strength and happiness where we can get it.
Hi There;
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband, Brian, almost a year ago now(1/19/11). He was 40. He fell from a roof on 12/22/10 and died of his injuries in the hospital. It only took me a couple of weeks to realize how much he did that I had no idea about. I now have a greater appreciation for sure. He was a carpenter and a handyman around the house. What I also realized was that in between my cleanings of the house he was definately doing little things(I must admit I never was the greatest "housewife")to help me. I noticed how much more I have to cleanup. And on Monday's...ugh...the trash night..that has been the worst. For our whole time together, dating and then married for 15yrs, he was in charge of all things kitty litter. I have a better system then he had for it because a found a great product but that is my fist shaker moment each week.
For lots of things I count on my Dad who lives close by. I am getting more self sufficient though. And my son is 8 and I am trying to get him to help out more around the house. My three yr old daughter wants to help but well...that ends up making a mess but I have found little things like taking her clean clothes upstairs etc. for her to help with. Our house is a little too big for the kids and me I think and once I can do it I want to get something smaller. Selling this will be a problem though. The market here stinks and I am in school for 18 mos to get a better job so no shot at a loan. Plus we biult this house together and I don;t know if I could handle leaving those kind of memories behind.
Anyway little by little I am taking on more of Brian's jobs. I hate it and I feel angry that I have to do this now for no good reason. I like what you said about the chores "making you a family" So true. If more people understood that maybe they wouldn't bale on each other because stuff gets mundane. I would kill for some mundane married life right now!
-Kathy
Oh Kathy, you are so right! That mundane, boring, secure, comfortable life is worth killing for. Why don't we appreciate what we have before we lose it?
ReplyDeleteI think we fail to appreciate it because we know it would be horrible to lose our husbands; but we don't think its going to happen to us. We have never had that kind of pain before. I don't think those who haven't lost the spouse can't understand the grief and pain.
ReplyDeleteMy husband Keith died 10 months ago from cancer. Since then the world has become a scary place to me. I never felt like that when he was alive. I felt so secure, so comfortable and loved. We were so "in sync" with each other that I have a hard time dealing with people now that I am not in-sync with. It just feels so weird. I feel so out of place in the world. He was like my other half. We always joked about that. What one couldn't do the other could - so we would joke that between us we were just ONE fantastic person.
ReplyDelete